"See, señor?" SEE, SENOR? That is why we need Gareth Bale." And that is what José Mourinho told his employers last night after the most humiliating night of his career. "Sorry, I'm a sham" might have been a more appropriate declaration but no, the Portuguese, as ever, tried to turn the situation to his advantage and used the 5-0 rollicking by Barcelona to step up his lobbying for the curious Welsh phenomenon who plays like the Alpha-winger even though he speaks like his voice is breaking.
That is why we need Pep Guardiola is what Roman Abramovich may or may not have bellowed as he beheld Mourinho's debagging, but the Daily Mirror has some bad news for the Russian today. For it claims that Guardiola is not interested in ever managing Chelsea ? because he's holding out for the Manchester United gig, which should become available any season now. What's certain, apparently, is that when Guardiola leaves Camp Nou, it will be to come to England because, according to the Mirror, he has "told friends that he's not keen on Italy", which isn't quite up there with Prince Andrew in terms of diplomatic buffoonery (and, indeed, may not even be true).
Then again, as Andrew himself might tell you, and not, of course, on the proviso that you pay his ex-wife to secure an audience, Britain has the best buffoonish diplomats in the world. Benfica have the best left-back in the world. At least that's what you might assume when you hear that David Luiz has had a £25m price tag "slapped" on him like a slab of frizzy-haired meat. Word is Chelsea and Manchester City are going to try to procure him for less than that.
Manchester United and Liverpool, meanwhile, are preparing to joust for the signature of pint-sized Ghanaian midfield dynamo Anthony Annan, who is dead keen on leaving Rosenborg in January; £6m should get the deal done, but Roy Hodgson is contemplating risking the deal falling through by throwing in Christian Poulsen too.
Sir Alex Ferguson may soon gets his mitts on Manuel Neuer, the Schalke keeper who was presumed to be on his way to Bayern Munich only for "political in-fighting" at the German giants to sabotage the move, according to the Daily Mail. Germany has lots of ornate buildings and that might just be enough to entice Jonathan Spector to Cologne, bearing in mind that the American is still ridiculed by his West Ham team-mates for admitting in an interview that he's an admirer of architecture (or is it maybe for playing like a disorientated lummox? No, for who at West Ham can mock a man for that without feeling the hot sting of hypocrisy on their conscience?).
Rangers want silky West Brom midfielder Graham Dorrans. And Harry Redknapp wants to test the strength of his side's impressive spirit by signing Emmanuel Adebayor in January. At least William Gallas will have someone to share the boos with at the next North London derby.
This is not a news report and may contain views expressed by the author which are not supported by GNM.