In the same way that any Shane Meadows film is hard to enjoy because you know that a horrific piece of tawdry violence will take place at some point ? probably on a grubby sofa in a council house ? you can never really enjoy a flick through the tabloids because you know at some point Fernando Torres will be linked with a move to Chelsea.
Today's Paddy Considine is the Daily Star which reckons City are after Torres, Karim Benzema and Edin Dzeko. All because Roberto Mancini said his team are "two or three" players short. It turns out he enjoys a spot of Juventus winger Milos Krasic too. "He's a player I have always followed," said Mancini. "I tried to sign him when I was Inter coach and I tried again when I arrived at City."
It turns out Juventus have a wandering eye too. At the moment it's detached itself from its base at the Stadio Olimpico and sludged all the way to Liverpool, where it spent last night crawling over Steven Pienaar's face - he could be off to Italy come January.
Aston Villa are facing player departures according to the Mirror. Nigel Reo-Coker, Steve Sidwell and John Carew are all out of contract next summer which is good enough for the Mirror to tell us that Villa will let them leave in January in order to cut down their £70m annual wage bill.
You might have heard rumours that rugby star and poor man's David Beckham, Danny Cipriani will be playing for MK Dons next season. Well you can forget them because MK Dons deny the whole thing.
Now that the whole Arsenal goalkeeper thing has been solved by Lukasz Fabianski having one good game - although that penalty save was excellent - Arsène Wenger can concentrate on getting a few more defenders in. Of course, it won't be anyone established, it'll be somebody young and unproven. For that reason he'll give a trial to Mamelodi Sundowns' 18-year-old centre-back Siyanda Xulu. Sundowns mouthpiece Alex Shakoane said: "It is satisfying for us that the young man is being acknowledged and pursued by such an esteemed team. If Arsenal are happy with him talks will open between the parties involved."
And Jermain Defoe says he wants to end his career at Spurs (feel free to insert a gag about Jason Dozzell ending his career at Spurs if you want, we're still traumatised by This Is England 86 and aren't really doing jokes today). "I want to stay for the rest of my career because I believe Tottenham will go on to establish themselves in the top four under Harry," chirped Defoe, while just out of sight an eye slouched its way towards White Hart Lane.
This is not a news report and may contain views expressed by the author which are not supported by GNM.