VfB Stuttgart

According to the Daily Mail Pepe Reina has "dropped a shock hint" ? perhaps even a shock hint punted gently in his direction during a notably tense Merseyside derby ? that he may be leaving Liverpool in the summer. Asked how long he intended to stay at Anfield, Reina replied "at least until the end of the season", despite the fact he's on a six-year contract. He also said he wouldn't go back to Spain. Arsène Wenger is said to be "on red alert", a condition he presumably conveys by frowning wearily in a long blue padded overcoat and occasionally stroking his chin.

Also in The Mail Blackburn, Liverpool and Tottenham are "monitoring" Stuttgart's Russian international striker Pavel Pogrebnyak, who is 6ft 2in and has scored five goals in seven games, which is apparently good enough these days.

Arsenal are going to give a trial to the 16-year-old Israeli midfielder Omri Altman, described as "the new Yossi Benayoun". Altman plays for Maccabi Tel Aviv and has ambitions to be quite good at West Ham for a year or so, spend five years variously injured or on the bench at assorted bigger clubs and grow a slightly lank floppy fringe. Newcastle and Liverpool are also interested.

Saint-Etienne have told Liverpool that their attacking midfielder Dimitri Payet isn't for sale. Payet, if he were for sale, would cost £7m. And Manchester United have signed the Norway Under-15 international midfielder Mats Moller Daehli, who will now go on to become one of those spiky-haired academy types who turn up in the Carling Cup a few times, go on loan to Burnley, contract a mystery virus, are pictured standing next to Rio Ferdinand in ripped jeans at some godawful city centre Christmas party and then end up occasionally playing for Sunderland.

The Daily Mirror reports the news that Ashley Cole has said he "considered leaving Chelsea" over the summer. "There was a time in my head where I thought I needed to leave England," Cole said yesterday, raising the notion of a separate and entirely localised time zone within his own head, a kind of Ashley Cole-centred universe that The Mill detects ? after extensive gibbering in front of a blackboard in the style employed in American films starring Russell Crowe or some similar great reeking slab of cured ham to denote eccentric genius ? indicates either (a) the existence of parallel universes accessed through the use of a "flux capacitor"; or (b) a case of terminal egomania. The Mill isn't sure which.

Michael Ballack has suggested that Bastian Schweinsteiger should move to Manchester United or Real Madrid in the summer. "He has presence, authority, personality, performance and goals ? he has everything," Ballack sighed, standing alone in the desert on his vast and trunkless legs of stone and watching a 2002 DVD of Michael Ballack: third best player in the world. "Look on my works ye mighty and despair!" he added, inside his head.

Fulham want to sign Luke Young again, perhaps for £2m. Steve Bruce thinks Harry Redknapp will be the next England manager. And Birmingham are still down on their hands and knees clicking their fingers, talking in a high-pitched voice and periodically trying to grab a spitting, clawing Sebastian Larsson roughly round the neck in order to march him inside and make him sign a new contract. Blackburn Rovers are also keen.

Swansea midfielder Mark Gower has signed a new one-year contract. And Edgar Davids has finally taken off his sunglasses and had a really good look at West Norwood and the surrounding areas. "I have decided that my journey as a player at Crystal Palace has come to an end," he announced yesterday.

Joey Barton reckons Fabio Capello must pick "Wildman Andy Carroll". "Hopefully they will stop worrying about the Goody Two Shoes image which the sponsors want for England," baddy two shoes Barton sighed, bundling a whole raft of issues including assault, drunkenness, more assault and other Things That Are Bad (but the mention of which might give the Mill's top legal team heebie-jeebies) together under the banner of things that boring people avoid doing simply to suck up to sponsors ? rather than to avoid breaking the law or ruining other people's lives or due to some basic sense of right and wrong.

Norwegian goal-giant John Carew will be sold in January after calling Aston Villa manager Gerard Houllier "stupid" for not picking Norwegian goal giant John Carew more often. Houllier has described Carew in return as "paranoid", a condition of extreme anxiety that often leaves sufferers with wild, googly, unblinking eyes that constantly rotate in their sockets.

This is not a news report and may contain views expressed by the author which are not supported by GNM.