Schalke 04

The Mill is clearly beginning to feel the strain. It's not easy for a jobbing purveyor of tittle-tattle on the outside of the window and the cracks are beginning to show. This morning the Mill awoke convinced that an unnamed Premier League footballer had been involved in a car crash with Dom DeLuise. It was only after googling his name that we realised a) who Dom DeLuise was and b) that he had died in May. Like a freestyle jazz musician performing an electro-samba-punk-fusion version of Three Blind Mice, the Mill likes to push the boundaries. But, as the old saying goes, imaginary car accidents with deceased actors can never a rumour be.

It's just as well then that Manchester United can provide some transfer grist. Sir Alex Ferguson is packing his sleeping bag and Thermos and is prepared to spend New Year's Eve bivouacking outside the shop doors in order to get first pick of the January sales. First shoved into his reusable hand-stitched hemp satchel will be Valencia's David Silva. A mere £25m will seal the deal.

At the back of the store, past bath linen, lingerie and mod-revivalist Britpop no-marks menswear is Sevilla's Luís Fabiano, resplendent with a SPECIAL OFFER sticker slapped to his forehead and his £40m price tag scribbled out and £28m scrawled in blue marker underneath. He's going in Fergie's sack too, along with a new wallet, a pair of cufflinks and a bumper bargain pack of six pairs of socks. Because you can never have enough socks.

Over in the gently lit goalkeeping department, however, Ferguson's decisiveness seems to have eluded him, with the United manager unable to choose between Schalke's £15m Manuel Neuer and Lazio's £12m Fernando Muslera. If you look carefully you may be able to spot Ben Foster picking up a coat hanger, attaching a security tag and trudging resignedly towards the discount rail.

United aren't the only club preparing to splash the cash in the sales. Celtic, for example, are ready to spend £7m on Tottenham's Robbie Keane. It would be, according to the Mirror, "a sensational raid", "one of the moves of the season", "a massive coup" and/or "one of the biggest coups of Celtic's illustrious history". Which seems to be overselling it somewhat. Celtic's interest in Keane could allow Tottenham to revive their interest in the Hoops' midfielder Scott Brown, using the "Republic of Ireland hero" as a makeweight in any deal.

Chelsea have taken the 17-year-old Croatian goalkeeper Matej Delac up to the checkout, but their card won't work. Seems it's passed the expiry date and the bank won't be sending them a new one until January 2011.

Everton seem certain to miss out on the Bolivian Ronald Raldes after Maccabi Tel Aviv found him in the right size, Marlon King's moral-boosting presence is wanted by Sheffield United, and Sean St Ledger is set to join Middlesbrough on loan ahead of a £3m January move.

This is not a news report and may contain views expressed by the author which are not supported by GNM.