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Football transfer rumours: Luis Suárez to Manchester City?
Barney Ronay - 7 years ago

According to Tuttosport ? via ? Manchester City are currently loitering quite close to the Ajax striker, Luis Suárez, casting a series of coquettish sideways glances, fiddling with their hair and attempting to appear simulatenously nonchalant and mysterious, as well as pantingly available. Juventus are also interested. Suárez will cost around £25m.

In the Daily Mirror, City are also in the process of signing the Israeli teenager, Gai Assulin, previously known as "the new Messi". Assulin cancelled his own contract at Barcelona and is currently a free agent, allowing him to faff about having trials with people and having his agent place stories about him being the New Messi rather than actually getting on and playing real actual proper football. The new old unemployed Messi is currently only eligible to play in the reserves.

Also in the Mirror: "The campaign against Liverpool's owners is about to reach for the stars ? with a cast of Hollywood A-listers READY to highlight the protest." Really? Angelina Jolie, George Clooney and Tom Cruise? Will Smith? Jackie Chan? Jessica Alba in a Hitachi-era shirt waving around a bedsheet daubed with the words "GO HOME YANKEE ASSET STRIPPERS"? Not quite. "Film industry big-hitters Mike Jefferies and Dan Hubbard, who are passionate Reds disgusted at what is happening to their beloved club, are on Merseyside this weekend." Yes: Mike Jefferies and Dan Hubbard. The Mill loves this town.

Preston are asking £5million for midfielder Adam Barton, who is "on the radar" of Bolton and Stoke. The Mill imagines Tony Pulis's radar to be a clunky, beige, wind-up second world war vintage affair which he sits in front of brooding and muttering beneath his baseball cap looking for Stukas and Messerschmitts. Jelle Van Damme could be kung fu kicking his way back to Anderlecht after "failing to settle" in Wolverhampton. "My adjustment is difficult, not sporting but social. I miss the life I had in Belgium," Van Damme has said, drifting into a private reverie of waxed cheeses, mayonnaise, efficient motorway interchanges and an unsurpassed local network of dapper, mustachioed private detectives.

The Sun alleges Avram Grant has been spotted shouting inside a small car while reversing very quickly down the central shopping street in Minsk before leaping out and beating 14 traffic wardens into unconsciousness. Although on closer reading "Avram's Bourne ultimatum" may in fact be something about signing the Bournemouth midfielder Marc Pugh. Everton are giving trials to somebody called "American prodigy Omar Salgado." And Newcastle have somehow signed the France Under-18 player, Yven Moyo, from Sochaux despite the entire principle of the transfer window being that you're not supposed to spend September stockpiling random midfielders.

The Daily Mail says Aston Villa and Everton are both "keeping tabs on" Racing Genk's £5m-rated Belgian international striker Jelle Vossen. This is also where The Mill, if it had any, would keep its tabs. The Mail, by the way, is also still trying to get Germany's Under-21 captain Lewis Holtby to play for England, even though he is clearly German and once he'd started to play for England he could comfortably become the subject of a series of swingeing why oh why is this German coming over here taking our jobs style Mail editorials. "The talented playmaker exploded into the spotlight last week after Sportsmail revealed he was still eligible for an England senior call-up through parentage," the Mail claims. Exploded is probably a bit of an exaggeration.

Back on the former Liverpool disappointment Alberto Aquilani says Internazionale wanted to sign him in the summer. "Inter wanted me this summer, they tried to get me. There was something, but nothing more," he says, tiptoeing politely around the fact that, possibly, they may have realised at some stage during their inquiries that he appears to be constructed entirely out of gingerbread and chewing gum.

Popular pre-dinner cocktail the Mamelodi Sundowns are ready to sell their 18-year-old defender Siyanda Xulu to Arsenal. Xulu is currently on trial. "It is satisfying for us that the young man is being acknowledged and pursued by such esteemed teams," the communications manager Alex Shakoane told The Sowetan, putting on a posh-sounding voice and adjusting his horn-rimmed monocle.

And something called Radio RMC has claimed Bayern Munich want to sign the tyro Chelsea jinker Gaël Kakuta, who surprisingly could be stolen "on a Bosman" next year even though The Mill assumed Chelsea had only just stolen him from somewhere else themselves.

This is not a news report and may contain views expressed by the author which are not supported by GNM.

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Only ManC would hire a prick like Suarez lolz, though he would be better off with the dumbwits at ManU
ohhh the very same dumbwits that thrash Anderlecht over and over again? sorry bro, no offence. but Anderlecht are the Dimwits.
Suarez is not a prick or a cheat. He is a great team player.
too soft for the EPL imo
Suarez is a cheat. Diving all over the place at the world cup, getting the South African keeper sent off, not to mention robbing Ghana with that hand ball on the line. And yes I know some of that is part of the game, but if you need to do these things in every game, it shows you have no confidence in your own skills or your team.
getting the south african keeper sent off? well he had no choice he got fouled its not like he could stand right after that... and its not his fault the south african player sent off. suarez got his punishment for the handball so its not cheating, omg im so sick and tired of hearing that, IT IS NOT CHEATING HE SAVED HIS TEAM!
i agree completely with silvacity. every player would have done that. he saved his team, no question about that.
but it is true that he is a diver. decent striker, but dives way too much. if he decides to come to the EPL, they will kill him ;-)
Suarez is a great, great player. Yes he dives a lot, but I never heard you guys complaining about that when C. Ronaldo was in England. What matters is how he performs on the whole, and if he dives and gets flak for that, he and City will take it in their stride.
who the hell are Andrelecht?? Suarez is sick, and if Man U gets gim then its gonna be OVER
Do you really think Suarez is going to a big club? Im sorry to dissapoint you but Luis Suarez is gonna stay till 2013 ,then you can have him
exactly what man city need another attacking player....
The rumor is that he might be going to ManCITY not ManU...

But anyways...I hope he doesn't go. He's doing great at Ajax and a move to a big club would only result in diminished playing time...not good for anyone's career.
If Suarez does go to Man U then he'll form a formidable partnership with Chico, great spotting from Alex as I had those two down as my favorit two strikers and was convinced of how good they would get on by playing on the same team, their style of play and the way they move about on the field suits them to the teeth. Mark my words because if this transfer does go through, Manchester could be in for a treat as in the days of Andy Cole & Dwight Yorke. Because let's face it Rooney and Berbatov aren't exactly hitting on every note, not that I'm saying that those two aren't better than Chico and Suarez on a individual level but combined I'd prefer the latter.
The rumour is that he might go to ManCITY, not ManU. For fucks sake...
suarez is a beast, I have a lot of respect for him. He is definitely a goal scoring machine.
some haters say that suarez is a cheat, well hes not, every other player would've done the same, he got his red card, and ghana had their chance to win but they failed unfortunately.
i would have preferred him to go to a bundesliga squad rather man city. he would have more of a chance to develop in a better league (than eredivisie) and plus, the goals are flowing this season!
constructed out of gingerbread and chewing gum. haha. great article, regardless of how foolish the idea of getting suarez is for man city.

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