Word reaches the Mill today that Sir Chips Keswick and Lord Harris of Peckham have recently held high-level talks with their colleagues and concluded that yes, Arsenal do indeed have the poshest-sounding board in the country. And since they were already conferring, the board also, according to Talksport, decided to bring up the subject of Arsène Wenger's successor and all agreed that the ideal heir is that likable rapid-talking Scottish Irishman who is pioneering a likable rapid-passing style of play at Bolton Wanderers.
And when Owen Coyle arrives at the Emirates, Wenger will not be shunted out but instead "moved upstairs", presumably into some sort of granny flat, where the heating will be on full blast all day and the TV will be permanently tuned in to Countdown. Occasionally Wenger will be invited back into the main arena, sometimes for Sunday dinner and sometimes to keep an eye on the kids and give Theo Walcott a new pair of hand-knitted mittens or coo about how big Jack Wilshere is getting.
Talksport have no information as to when all this may occur, but chances are Coyle would like it to be before January if he wants to continue working with Gary Cahill ? otherwise Bolton may have already sold the centre-back to Liverpool, who reckon he could be the long-term replacement for Jamie Carragher. Though Roy Hodgson is also said to be keeping his owlish eye on the Lille and France defender Adil Rami and, inevitably, Fulham's Brede Hangeland.
Hodgson has previously been linked with Carlton Cole but has rather gone off the West Ham striker despite his two goals against Manchester United last night, so there is little prospect of Liverpool matching Birmingham City's imminent bid for the mercurial galoot. Liverpool will, however, make an offer of around £6m for Trabzonspor's Colombian striker Teófilo Gutiérrez.
In what attests either to the strength of Benfica's defence or the laziness of British journalists, one day after being linked with the Portuguese team's left-back, David Luiz, Manchester City are being linked with their right-back, Maxi Pereira. The Uruguayan is valued at £12m so (mandatory City gag ahoy!) City are preparing to offer £43m.
Ah, here's a rum one: New York Red Bulls, who already have Thierry Henry on their books, want to sign William Gallas and Robbie Keane, presumably to inflict fresh hell on the Irishman by forcing him to watch the French fiends perform their trademark hand-pass manoeuvres over and over and over and over and over again.
Meanwhile, in school language class news, it has emerged that the Belgian teenager Romelu Lukaku has enrolled for Spanish lessons, leading scribes to deduce that the Anderlecht scoring sensation plans to join Real Madrid next season, not Chelsea.
Also on his way to Spain could be Manchester United's Park Ji-sung, to whom Sevilla have taken a strong fancy.
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