To the outsider – and during summer that's literally what the Fiver is, enjoying the sun in the park, behind our bush, having woken up from a little impromptu lunchtime street sleep, holding our bottle of drink purchased from the decorating aisle in Wickes, get off, get off, it's our bottle of drink purchased from the decorating aisle in Wickes – those involved with Everton Football Club have been taking a little too much satisfaction from the fact that Manchester United nicked off with their manager. Admittedly, most of this very public show of parental pride at wee Davie Moyes's ascension to a Big Club will have been a performance put on solely to annoy Liverpool fans, which is fair enough, and quite a few folk have been desperately trying to rationalise 11 years of not particularly entertaining football by making justificatory references to net spend, which is also fair enough, nobody likes to waste whole decades watching grass grow after all. But there are limits. After all, Everton are a Big Club too, as anyone with a memory that pre-dates Sky Sports, or those who don't gorge themselves on items bought from do-it-yourself retailers, will attest.
Thankfully Roberto Martínez has finally decided enough is enough, and that it's time for Everton to flex a little Big Club muscle in the direction of Old Trafford. He's come out throwing hands, rather like the Fiver does upon imbibing one of those big tins of creamy emulsion drink you can get from B&Q, after Moyes came back to Goodison with an improved offer of £12,000,000.01 for Leighton Baines. Martínez isn't having it, and has effectively told United to do one, because he's not intending to sell. "This is a big season for him and for us as a club," he thundered today. "He is the best left-back in the country. I can't wait to start working with him." Admirably strong words, though he probably went a bit far by adding that he considers Baines to be "more than a player, he is an icon", a statement which might raise the odd eyebrow among those who have heard tell of Dixie Dean, Tommy Lawton, Dave Hickson, Alex Young, Howard Kendall, Kevin Sheedy and Ray Atteveld.
The gloves having finally come off, tensions between the two clubs could rise further with Everton's Wayne Rooney, currently employed by Manchester United, set for showdown talks, crucial discussions, a face-to-face meeting, and a chat o'crisis with Moyes to decide whether he'll leave for Chelsea, Arsenal, Paris St-Germain or Barcelona, or stay put to see if he can become United's record goalscorer. The Rooney issue was the fourth to-do item on the new manager's agenda since taking control on Monday, after being pictured ostentatiously turning up for work in his car, being pictured disingenuously wedged in behind a big desk, and being pictured having a forced politician-style blue-collar laugh and joke with the tea lady and the bloke who refills the paper in the traps, and it's a hot issue he could have done without.
With Rooney insisting he never asked for a transfer at the end of last season, contrary to the claims of former boss and looming presence Sir Alex Busby – claims now backed up by erstwhile cone-stacker Mike Phelan, who has opined of Rooney's supposed second transfer request in three years that "you can put the first one down to inexperience but the second one is putting yourself right out there" – the talks represent an awkward start for poor Moyes. He'll be forgiven for reflecting that he never had to put up with this sort of carry-on from Leighton Baines, icon or not. It's an observation that may persuade him to finally up his bid to the £15m Everton and Martínez are after, and be done with it.
"We have apologised to Adidas on the phone. We have promised them: such a thing will never happen again" – Bayern spokesman Mark Hörwick reacts after wide-eyed £31.5m scamp Mario Götze pulled off a textbook Modern Football atrocity: turning up for his unveiling at the Adidas-backed club … sporting a giant Nike swoosh.
"Despite the campaign to STOP FOOTBALL seemingly working for the next week or so at least, it never seems to completely go away. In Big Website's preview of the tennis quarter-finals, there's this: 'I like Janowicz. The way he plays is unique because he can play big-man tennis but he's also got a lot of touch.' Excellent use of a footie cliche" – Simon Dunsby.
"Perhaps you could suggest to the marketing bods at Guardian Soulmates that their budget would be better spent advertising in Moscow's Sheremetyevo Airport. There's certainly one person there who comes under the umbrella of 'interesting people' who's run out of mates" – Alistair Drummond.
"Re: yesterday's Joe Kinnear Quote of the Day. The Fiver making fun at someone else for being factually inaccurate? May I be the first of your regular 1,057 pedants to be standing around outside the Fiver's glass house with a pile of stones to sell you?" – Michael Hogan.
"I initially had a pedantic chuckle about the use of present-tense in Kinnear's quote: 'Every top club in the land has [a director of football]. We haven't – that's the difference.' Then I thought, hang on … he's basically still right about the second part, isn't he?" – Phil Ostrowski.
"As a diehard Arsenal fan, I feel the need to clarify the definition of what it means 'to Arsenal' as per Emdre's missive (yesterday's Fiver letters). 'To Arsenal' is to blow a comfortable lead of two or more goals by conceding through a variety of comical errors that would be embarrassing in an elementary school gym class. This happens most often against teams that should hypothetically be 'easy' to beat, including lower-division teams. Red cards and own goals are frequently involved. If there is still some confusion, I believe a certain infamous 4-4 draw against Newcastle quite accurately illustrates the term" – Leila Jutton.
"I would like to correct a suggestion that to finish fourth is 'to Arsenal'. Being a native of Vancouver, I must point out that the art of finishing fourth has probably been copyrighted as 'to Canada' although that is generally applicable to Olympic sports. Being Canadian I am quite willing to let Arsenal franchise the concept for Premier League football, especially as I have high hopes football will soon be stopped" – Wayne Isley.
"A particularly egregious example from the USA is 'to ofer', as when a sportsman scores zero points in any endeavour. This new 'verb' manages to combine three grammatical mistakes: the replacement of the number zero by the letter O, the concatenation of two words, and the use of noun as verb. The translation is an amusing progression, for example: 'they missed all of their penalties' = 'they went O for five' = 'they ofered'. Really. It's true" – Dargal O'Fennell.
"I can only wonder … and shudder to contemplate … at possible definitions of 'to Fiver'" – Mike Fichtner.
We keep trying to point out the utter futility of advertising an online dating service "for interesting people" in the Fiver to the naive folk who run Guardian Soulmates, but they still aren't having any of it. So here you go – sign up here to view profiles of the kind of erudite, sociable and friendly romantics who would never dream of going out with you.
Cristiano Ronaldo is definitely not going back to Old Trafford, unless he does. "United is still in my heart. I really miss it," he pined. "But I'm really, really happy in Spain. Part of my life is there. The future we never know."
New PSG coach Laurent Blanc says a £50m deal for Napoli's Edinson Cavani would make him happy. "He is a player that I love," cooed Blanc. "Should he become part of the Parisian team, I would be very happy."
Sunderland have landed Arsenal icon Vito Mannone for £2m, but will have to up their offer for AZ Alkmaar legend Jozy Altidore. "This first offer was not sufficient," sniffed an AZ voice. "Now it is wait and see."
Joe Kinnear has shown what makes him head and shoulders above all other directors of football: visionary deals like flogging 27-year-old utility man James Perch to Wigan for an undisclosed fee.
And Lyon ace Clément Grenier has issued a come-and-get-me-maybe to Arsenal. "I cannot say [about my future]. I do not know where my future lies. I'm not 100% sure about what to do."
Czech beat combo Petr Cech give some big chat about José Mourinho and their summer festival plans.
The Knowledge archive digs up some of football's booziest bonuses.
And the Rumour Mill brings bad news to fans of Arsenal and Spurs.