Few books over the years have had their own press conference to mark the launch. Tolstoy, Chaucer, Dickens, Flaubert – none got the opportunity to explain their work. Which is something of a shame. Imagine the fuss that could have been avoided if the authors behind the world's great religious texts had had the chance to tell the press that it was all in fact a biting satire on the pervasive dangers of cultism, or that they were planning a sequel in which a machine-gun toting Beelzebub is the head of a South American drugs cartel and one of the apostles is just two days from retirement.
Today, though, Lord Ferg, a man who over the years has made a habit of boycotting certain media outlets and banning others, welcomed the world's press to a room in central London to talk about his magnificent octopus – My Autobiography (the much-awaited sequel to Ferguson's 1999 book entitled, um, (Managing My Life) My Autobiography). It was all covered: Roy Keane, David Beckham, Arsène Wenger, Roberto Mancini, David Moyes. And because the embargo on the contents of the book ended at 2pm this afternoon, the internet has been awash with the choicest nuggets: the fallouts, the tantrums, the rivalries, the friendships.
All of which seems to be somewhat self-defeating. The Fiver had been looking forward to nuzzling down under the duvet with My Autobiography and a half a dozen Purple Tin, but today's hoopla means that throughout the afternoon the world's sporting media has been doing the literary equivalent of standing outside a cinema and shouting "He's his father! It's a sled! He's a ghost! The boat sinks! It's really earth! His mother's a skeleton! She's really a man! He's really a woman! Dumbledore dies! Dumbledore dies! DUMBLEDORE DIES!" at anyone walking in.
And, given the breadth of the topics covered, it's a shame the book, like the nation's high streets, contains more than the odd gap. There's little or nothing on why he did not recommend José Mourinho as his successor, little or nothing on Wayne Rooney's desire to leave the club last summer, just one page on his seven-year boycott of the Beeb, and, most glaring of all, the Old-Trafford-foundation-shaking Rock of Gibraltar affair gets the sort of glossing-over only usually seen in Dulux adverts.
So, ironically, all the hype means you probably don't have to part with your hard-earned and actually buy the thing. But the day's Ferg-related intrigue isn't over yet. Keane comes in for the most searing criticism ("The hardest part of Roy's body is his tongue," which is rather a disturbing image and must make chewing quite difficult) and the former United midfielder will be sitting on the ITV sofa for Arsenal's Big Cup tie against Borussia Dortmund this evening. Given that his standard pundit demeanour is that of a short-tempered bear who has just been handed a large tax bill and told his end of the woods is about to be demolished to make way for a bypass – all the while sat in a small room next to Adrian Chiles for longer than is humanly reasonable – his reaction when the aforementioned presenter opens the programme with "So, Roy …" could well make better viewing than anything Özil, Reus and co can muster.
"We're happy because Chico wouldn't help resolve the problem and tried to gain an advantage in the situation" – Independiente Santa Fe spokesman Pablo Garcia reacts after his team were forced to buy knock-off replica shirts to wear against Colombian rivals Boyaca Chico. Santa Fe's kitman packed their home kit and their hosts weren't for swapping to their away one, prompting him to hotfoot it to a local market, where he picked up 10 for around £4 each. Santa Fe, fake gear and all, won 2-0.
"I feel I must spring to the defence of David Ginola for his gesture (yesterday's Fiver letters). I took it at the time to be a bit of a subliminal message and immediately went off to make a coffee" – Ian Ruddock.
"I'm fully behind the Fiver's STOP FOOTBALL campaign, but skirt-twirling, flower-in-the-hair-wearing, animal-hugging vegetarian Uncle Fiver has overstepped the mark with this one" – Paul Crate.
"How are Southampton supposed to be taken seriously as potential top-four finishers and gain access to Big Cup when they drop silly points to mid-table teams?" – Gavin Simmonds.
"If the pot of non-seeded teams contained the names 'France, Sweden, Romania and France' as you suggest in yesterday's Fiver, did this mean they had done some deal with Fifa to get to choose between Ukraine and Croatia? And why did Team USA! USA!! USA!!! not raise the alarm, given all the phone calls in France that the US listens to? Bravo the Fiver you have uncovered a huge bribery and corruption scandal here. You should get the Big Paper and proper journalists on to it straight awa … oh" – John Stainton (and 1,056 others).
We keep trying to point out the utter futility of advertising an online dating service "for interesting people" in the Fiver to the naive folk who run Guardian Soulmates, but they still aren't having any of it. So here you go – sign up here to view profiles of the kind of erudite, sociable and friendly romantics who would never dream of going out with you.
Goals, goals and more goals. Take a gander around some of the very best scored over the past weekend.
Bayer Leverkusen striker Stefan Kiessling has defended his actions after being criticised for not owning up to his "phantom goal" going in through the side-netting against Hoffenheim. "I would be the last one not to say that the ball flew through a stupid hole," sobbed Kiessling. "For me it is important that 30,000 people in the stadium did not see it and I was one of them."
Former Blackeye Rovers boss Steve Kean-out is set to take over at Brunei DPMM in the Singapore S.League next season. "We want to change our style of play," parped club manager Waslimin Momin. This pup was unavailable for comment.
CSKA Moscow coach Leonid Slutsky admits the pitch for his side's Big Cup clash with Manchester City is in a poor state. "I suppose the quality of the pitch is, absolutely, equal to the quality of our latest results," sniffed Slutsky, whose side have lost five of their last seven.
Under-pressure Crystal Palace boss Ian Holloway is meeting the club's co-chairman Steve Parish in the wake of the 4-1 home defeat to Fullham. "It was totally and utterly as flat as a pancake in [the dressing room] and it is so unrelenting as we now have Arsenal," he wibbled.
Armenia's national players have sent an open letter to Vardan Minasyan, pleading with him to reconsider his resignation as coach. "I have received a number of offers, mainly from abroad, and I plan to consider them," shot down Minasyan.
And Man Utd are kicking off their singing section experiment against Real Sociedad in Big Cup on Wednesday night. A song for Europe, then.
If you missed it yesterday, here's the latest edition of the Football Weekly podcast.
Greg Dyke's FA commission breaches the goodwill surrounding his recent arrival in the job, writes Owen Gibson.
And John Crace reckons the efforts to extinguish flares at stadiums is no more than smoke and mirrors.
Want your very own copy of our free tea-timely(ish) email sent direct to your inbox? Has your regular copy stopped arriving? Click here to sign up.