No3, No6 ... and almost certainly title No19 for Manchester United

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If Chelsea defender David Luiz had been sporting Sideshow Bob's giant clown shoes rather than his hairstyle on Sunday afternoon, there's a very good chance he'd have intercepted Park Ji-sung's immaculate through-ball to Mexican striker Petit Pois in the 31st second of the Potential Title Decider That Turned Out To Be An Actual Title Decider, Chelsea might have beaten Manchester United and the champions elect would need more than one point from matches against two relegation candidates with the word 'Black' in their names.

But even though David Luiz played like he was wearing Sideshow Bob's giant clown shoes, he wasn't wearing Sideshow Bob's clown shoes, which means he didn't intercept Park Ji-sung's immaculate through-ball to Mexican [That's enough blatant padding – Fiver Ed.] etc, and so on. The upshot? Manchester United players and officials embarked on another of their shameless attempts to plunder the lucrative Asian market by holding a celebratory dinner at a local Chinese restaurant, while England's Brave John Terry was left pondering the futility of it all.

"We felt it was in our hands and we could come here and we could win the game; sometimes, you have to hold your hands up," he told Chelsea in-house propaganda wing Pravda TV, his ability to hold his hands up no doubt made easier by the fact that the 'it' to which he alluded is no longer in them. "We came hoping and praying that we started well and the role was completely reversed," he continued, hopefully having taken note of the ostentatious manner in which Manchester's favourite Mexican had prostrated himself before the Lord in the centre circle for his pre-match prayer, only to see them answered within a minute of kick-off. If only you'd prayed a little harder and more publicly, EBJT. Eh?

Back at Speedy Noodle, Nemanja Vidic stopped stuffing his beaming Serbian face with bird's nest soup, prawn crackers, spring rolls, beef with black bean sauce, chicken chow mein, dumplings, egg fried rice [Ahem! – Fiver Ed.] … sorry, No3, No6, No11, No45, No71, No81 and No114 for long enough to warn that even though the title race is over, the title race is not over. "Mathematically it's not [certain] but I think it's a big advantage," he said, going on to add that bears have been known to defecate in woodland areas and Pope Benedict XVI occasionally wears a silly hat.


"It's about time I got a bit of respect off people for the career I've had. I'm never in the headlines for the wrong reasons" - Robbie Savage calls time on his career with a plea that he be remembered for creating headlines for the right reasons, such as ...

Makes headlines over an incident dubbed 'poogate'

Makes headlines for earning the most yellow cards in Premier League history

Makes headlines for booting Rio Ferdinand "up the bum" in the Old Trafford tunnel

Makes headlines for being thrown out of a hotel by his Wales manager for disrespecting a Paolo Maldini shirt before a 2000 European Championship qualifier against Italy

Makes headlines for going on strike mid-game while attempting to engineer a transfer from Birmingham to Blackburn

Makes headlines after being substituted for his own safety during Leicester's match against Bolton, a game that, according to the Guardian report, descended into a "heady blend of violence, intimidation, chaos and pure farce" after a late challenge from Savage

Provokes headlines after being accused of diving to win a controversial penalty that results in a brawl


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"So after their shellacking at the hands of Stoke, Arsene Wenger noticed 'we have to get some experience (in defence) because I feel we are sometimes a bit naive'. Yet another striking example of Arsene's legendary insight. I thought they needed another four jinking, waif-like seven-year-olds to play off the striker, yet Arsene pulls one out of the bag. I suppose that's why he's the trophy-laden millionaire manager and I'm sat at home eating Wotsits" - Mark Guthrie.

"So everyone at the Fiver's taking the 6th of May off next year? (Friday's Fiver). I wouldn't have expected you to be working that day anyway, as it's a Sunday" - Nick Plain.

"Not having gone to a posh school I didn't get to study the classics, but from what I can remember from the Iliad, Heracles/Hercules wasn't a god, rather the son of a god (which doesn't seem to be the same thing). And isn't he Greek no matter what you call him?" - Simon Dunsby.

"Extraordinary - Sam Thomas writes in with purported pedantry to lambast the Fiver for using the Roman name Hercules, when "the Greek god was Heracles". Hercules/Heracles was not a god but the son of a god - a demigod at best but certainly no god. And you call yourself a pedant. Tsk" - Patrick Viner.

"Mr Thomas is correct in asserting that Hercules was Roman and not Greek. However, Heracles was not a Greek god. Being the son of Jupiter (a god) and Alcmena (a mortal), Heracles was only a demi-god. The Fiver was half-right, as was, I suppose, Mr. Thomas" - Arthur Austin.

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In news that would only be better if he had actually had a gun, relegated Preston North End manager Phil Brown said he wanted to shoot down the plane allegedly sent by Blackpool fans to fly over Deepdale trailing a banner reading "Poor little Preston enjoy League One" and "We are superior love Blackpool FC." The jape is now being investigated by the Civil Aviation Authority.

Manchester United fans have begun a campaign on fans' forums and on Twitter to get the Paul Hardcastle song N-n-n-n-n-n-n-n19 to No1 in the charts for this Sunday.

Mr Em will avoid an official charge for charging official Mike Jones during Aston Villa's draw with Wigan Athletic.

Luke Young has admitted Villa are in need of some direction. "I think we need to know what we are doing, who is going to be taking the club forward, who is going to be making the decision on what players stay and go and who is going to be in charge for next season. Hopefully Gerard [Houllier] is fine and he can carry on but at the minute, let's be honest, no one really knows what is going on."

Provoking lurid 'out for the rest of the season' (ie three games) headlines today: Gareth Bale – who, according to 'Arry, "looks like he has done his ankle ligaments" after being on the end of a robust Charlie Adam tackle.

Bongo baron David Sullivan (estimated fortune £400m) believes relegation could mean he and fellow West Ham co-chairman David Gold (estimated fortune £360m) would have to invest £20m-£40m between them to keep the club afloat. "I don't believe the supporters realise the potential real cost to us," he sobbed.

After Real Madrid signed Borussia Dortmund's Nuri Sahin the club's CEO Hans-Joachim Watzke has attempted to ward off attempts to poach the club's other young star Mario Gotze. "We won't even sell him for several oil fields," sniffed Watzke.

And Morecambe's disappointing 20th-placed League Two finish has led to manager Sammy McIlroy and his assistant Mark Lillis departure by consent that is almost certainly more mutual on the club's side than the coaches'.


Who will Chelsea hire now that Carlo Ancelotti appears to be off, asks Richard Williams.

If Julio Baptista were as long as Sid Lowe's La Liga round-up he would be big, strong and very long. But he's not, fortunately.

Massimo Oddo got tipsy then tried to run the 400m track at the Olimpico Stadium in under a minute after Milan's Scudetto triumph, which is something Paolo Bandini quite rightly cheers in his latest Serie A blog.

Should the Guardian's virtual chalkboards mean your computer is a virtual classroom, then Michael Cox is the virtual teacher at who you can flick virtual ink bombs as he guides you through his immaculate tactical analysis of the weekend's key fixtures.


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