You could be forgiven for thinking the revelation that beat music purveyor Snoop Dogg (or Snoop Lion, as he's been calling himself since visiting Jamaica and discovering he is Bob Marley incarnated) has expressed an interest in becoming a major shareholder in the Queen's Celtic would be grist to the Fiver's mill. It is a phrase we use with apologies to George Orwell, of course, the two-bit hack who in his 1946 essay Politics and the English Language, famously dismissed it as "a dying metaphor", with the over-confidence of a man who clearly hadn't factored in the Fiver's capacity for rubbing its literary defibrillator paddles together and electro-shocking even the most hackneyed sayings back to life on a regular basis. But we digress.
The news that Snoop is considering a foray into the world of hip-hoop as well as hip-hop has prompted no end of sniggering in certain quarters, as if the purchase of British football clubs by crass party-organising multi-millionaire chart-toppers is without precedent. But as any Watford fan will tell you, perhaps their happiest memories can be traced back to the time their club was owned by Elton John. And now, inspired by Celtic's recent win over Barcelona, Snoop has said he'd be happy to buy shares in the Queen's Celtic, should any of the board wish to sell up.
"I don't need to run a soccer club but [I would want] enough of a percentage to get me on the board so I can be heard," said the man behind such winning platters as Doggystyle, R&G (Rhythm & Gangsta): The Masterpiece and Tha Last Meal, who would cut quite a dash in the Queen's Celtic boardroom, alongside fellow multi-millionaires Ian Bankier, Peter Lawwell and Dermot Desmond, fellow businessmen who have done quite well for themselves, despite not enjoying the benefit of patronage from Dr Dre.
Despite being the qualified coach of his young son's football team, Snoop has said he would be unlikely to step on Neil Lennon's toes if he got involved with the Queen's Celtic, but has already outlined his plan to ask David Beckham to sign for the Scottish champions, once the former England captain feels he no longer has the legs for the American Soccerball League and needs to live out his dotage somewhere a little less competitive. "We have lunch when we can, so next time, you know, I am going to speak to him about it," said Snoop. "LA is home for him and his family now – but I would have to at least make that offer to my boy … Never say never."
Of course, given his form in the field of being banned from entering numerous countries around Europe as a result of random acts of bad behaviour perpetrated while travelling abroad, it could be argued that Snoop would feel more at home at a different, equally famous Glasgow football club.
"He was dropping like a hot potato. I didn't want to give him a welcome. There is no individual vendetta or targeting a person because that's nonsense" – Barnet player-manager Edgar Davids blames the red card he received against Accrington Stanley on the speed with which James Beattie hit the turf in Saturday's League Two match. A speed that the Fiver can only assume was about as fast as the ex-England striker's career-nosedive.
"It's getting soft now the game, you want to see some proper sendings-off" – Dirty Leeds manager Neil Warnock reacts to Luke Varney's red card as only a Dirty Leeds manager called Neil Warnock can.
"Is Matt Leuw (Friday's Fiver letters) suggesting that Sweden's mid-week friendly against Mr Roy's reserves is a game set on the 'biggest stage'? Really?" – Graham Haslam (and 1,056 others).
"Ron Vlaar, when you talk about runes (Friday's Quote of the Day), I presume you mean runestones (or more commonly bones) as a rune itself is actually intangible. On the subject of needless mistakes, the perceived optionality of candles and virgin's blood is a schoolboy error in amateur Satanism, and the Dark Lord clearly demonstrated his anger to Ron via a pentacle of his own on Saturday afternoon" – Neil Stern (and no others).
"Stewart Downing has made the false winger role his own, so no wonder he's got a cob on with Brendan Rodgers. He had the idea first and has been demonstrating it for years. Now he has to put up with young foreign lads coming over here and taking all our false winger roles, it can't be right" – Tony Lynch.
We keep trying to point out the utter futility of advertising an online dating service "for interesting people" in the Fiver to the naive folk who run Guardian Soulmates, but they weren't having any of it. So here you go – sign up here to view profiles of the kind of erudite, sociable and friendly romantics who would never dream of going out with you.
QPR's owners will meet this week to discuss whether to keep faith with under-fire manager Ailsa from Home and Away.
Gael Clichy is a doubt for Manchester City's 2-2 draw with Real Madrid in Big Cup on Wednesday due to ankle knack.
Police are investigating death threats made to Sunderland winger James McClean after the Republic O'Ireland international chose not to wear a poppy to mark Remembrance Sunday.
Edwin van der Sar has shunned the excitement of a post-football career on the golf course for the excitement of a post-football career in Ajax's marketing department. "Van der Sar had a fantastic career and also has natural leadership and therefore the potential to be our managing director in the future," snored a club suit.
And Arsenal's Emmanuel Frimpong has joined Charlton Athletic on loan where he will continue his recovery from cruciate knee-knack.
Stewart Downing and Fernando Torres are both pants. For another eight Premier League talking points, click here.
Paolo Bandini may be 4036.3 nautical miles from Genoa but he can still shine a light on the darkness of the 'Derby della Lanterna' for anyone who holds a flame for those sort of things.
Quarter Pound (of) Rubbish, Quite Possibly Relegated, Quality Players (soon) Redundant, whatever acronym you make from their name, it doesn't look good for the west London side, as Michael Hann knows all too well.
Jose, 29, GSOH, likes football, fast cars and painting the Sevilla crest on the bottom of his pool. Dislikes London, cold weather and leaving Sevilla. Call Dr Sid for more info.
Have you spent the weekend wondering how Schalke slumped to defeat in Bayer Leverkusen? Well wonder no more as German heartthrob Raphael Honigstein has all the answers.
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