And I'm going to blow my own final whistle there. It's been, well, busy. I had seven live matches going tonight, which is a new pb. It's also been an unusually bad night for British and Irish sides: England and the Republic of Ireland both led and drew, while Northern Ireland, Wales and Scotland lost.
Who will make it to the World Cup? Well, not Wales or Scotland. Beyond that, I can't say. One question I do know the answer to, though, is this: What's No1 in Ecuador?
Final score in La Paz, where Bolivia and Argentina have drawn 1-1. Which is also the half-time score in Quito.
Bolivia-Argentina aside, the only other qualifier currently ongoing is Ecuador v Paraguay, where it's half-time and the only things on the pitch are three enormous inflatable beer bottles.
Final score in Paris, where Spain have won 1-0. Crisis averted, then.
Final whistle in Podgorica, where it ends Montenegro 1-1 England!
Oooooh! A decent shot from Gerrard, turned round the post!
England have been on top again since the equaliser. One minute of stoppage time to play, and it's the visitors now with a dangerous free-kick opportunity.
Meanwhile there are four minutes to go in Bolivia, where it's still 1-1. Lionel Messi has just massively overhit a useless corner.
Into the last minute in Podgorica, where Steven Gerrard's shot from the edge of the area goes straight at the keeper. Good chance, that.
Update: Robin van Persie is nowhere near becoming Holland's all-time top goalscorer, though he has indeed drawn level with Johan Cruyff with tonight's brace. Here's the full run-down, courtesy of Michael Day.
It says something about how the England game is going that Gerrard's clearance, slammed into a defender's leg 30 yards from goal, darn nearly dipped into goal – Hart tipped it over the bar, depriving the world of an all-time classic fluke goal.
"Are you sure that photo of Hanley reflects the pitch and not the Scottish defense's reaction to the Serbian attacks?" asks @johnjbarry on Twitter of that Scotland photo. I suppose there must be some doubt.
Still eight minutes plus stoppage time to play in Podgorica, where England are showing little sign of ending their second-half misery. Michael Carrick has just given away a free-kick in a dangerous area.
Full-time in Swansea, where it's finished Wales 1-2 Croatia. The Welsh, too, are officially out of the World Cup.
Full-time for the Republic of and Northern Irish. Not a great night for either: Israel have won in Belfast, and Austria have drawn in Dublin.
Bad couple of minutes that for the British and Irish sides, I'd say.
GOAL! Montenegro have deservedly equalised against England, after a comedy post-corner outbreak of penalty-area ping-pong. Montenegro 1-1 England
GOAL! In the third minute of stoppage time Austria have equalised against the Replic or Ireland, courtesy of a 20-odd-yard shot from David Alaba that was deflected into a helpful arc into the back of the net. Republic of Ireland 2-2 Austria
GOAL! With three minutes and eight seconds to play Eduardo has controlled a cross from the left and volleyed the ball low down the middle, through Myhill's legs and into the net. Wales 1-2 Croatia
The Republic of Ireland are 30 seconds and stoppage time away from victory over Austria, but are hanging on a bit. Not long to go.
Oooh! Mirko Vucinic has a great chance for Montenegro, but curls the ball just wide from the edge of the penalty area. England are skating on thin ice here.
GOAL! Israel have surely won it now! The ball is played down the right, where Shechter looks like he's determined to take the ball to the corner flag when all of a sudden he sprints into the middle and pulls back to the edge of the penalty area, where Eden Ben Basat arrives and thumps it into the roof of the net. Northern Ireland 0-2 Israel
Apparently Robin van Persie's two goals for Holland tonight brought him level with Johan Cruyff on the nation's all-time goalscoring charts, which are still headed by Patrick Kluivert (thanks Jorrit Kors for the factual update).
And Croatia have scored! The attack seemed to have come to an end when a cross comes to nought and the ball is touched back to Dejan Lovren. He, with no run-up, smacks it low and hard from 30 yards, and Myhill must have been unsighted, or confused, or distracted, because it flew straight through him and into the back of the net. To be fair, replays show a lot of late movement. Wales 1-1 Croatia.
GOAL! Israel have taken the lead in Northern Ireland, and are doing some good mass celebrations. The ball is worked from the left, a nice flick sends the ball into the path of Islam Slimani, who slams the ball inside the near-post with his left peg. A very fine goal indeed. Northern Ireland 0-1 Israel
It's all over in Serbia, where Scotland have lost 2-0. "Scotland now officially OUT of the World Cup," writes Simon McMahon. "I'm laughing through my tears as I type this. I think I'd feel much worse if I wasn't so heavily sedated."
"I was in Amman, Jordan, today before the game," writes Michael Townsend. "Apparently locals were charged 5JD to get into the game whereas the Japanese tourists were charged 10 times that. Interesting some Jordanians still decided to sit on the fence."
Ooooh! Serbia shoot just wide of the far post as the game against Scotland slips into stoppage time. Still Serbia 2-0 Scotland.
Montenegro were by all accounts abysmal in the first half against England, but they seem to have had the upper hand since half-time. 57 minutes played.
GOAL! Spain have taken the lead against France in Paris, Pedro with the strike. France 0-1 Spain
Assault of the night? Ukraine won tonight, but they didn't finish with 11 men, thanks to this ludicrous head-high smash.
The pitch in Serbia isn't great. I can't find a photograph that illustrates this as well as the TV pictures, but I think Grant Handley's arse does the job pretty well.
Sky are telling me that Montenegro have had a goal disallowed against England, though it looks to me like it went wide. Anyway, it's still 0-1.
An hour played in Swansea, where a super reflex save from Myhill from a deflected, possibly twice-deflected low shot preserves Wales' lead.
Free tickets of the day: this was taken earlier at the big match of the day in Asia, where Japan lost in Jordan.
Seamus Devlin is watching the Scots. "It says something about the talent in our squad when Alan Hutton might not be our worst player," he sighs.
It's all over in Odessa, where Ukraine have beaten Moldova 2-1 in England's Group H.
Israel are on the front foot at the moment against Northern Ireland, but their latest effort was straight at the keeper and saved.
Holland have a penalty at home to Romania – Mark Clattenburg blowing the whistle – and Van Persie slots it into the corner! Holland 3-0 Romania.
GOAL! Serbia 2-0 Scotland! And that's a disaster for Gary Caldwell, who had all the time in the world to measure up his clearance and still fluffs it – the ball is cut out, run into the penalty area and, after a little penalty-area quagmire pinball, turned in by Filip Djuricic. 25 minutes to play.
Could they do a Sweden? Unlikely, but Heinrich Schmidtgal has scored for Kazakhstan against Germany, where it's now 3-1.
Nice header that from Banega, guiding the ball in from somewhere near the penalty spot. And it's now half-time in that one, and the England game.
GOAL! Argentina have equalised against Bolivia, Ever Banega with the goal.
GOAL! The ball is played down the left, and is pulled back to bloke in penalty area. He's closed down well, and his shot is blocked, but the defender on the ground pokes the ball away from him … and straight to his chum, Filip Duricic,who tucks the ball home. Serbia 1-0 Scotland
GOAL! And Van Persie can still score! Robben skips past a couple of defenders and crosses for Van Persie who steered the ball across goal and in at the far post. The ball came to him really quickly from no great distance, and that was either a total fluke or totally brilliant. Holland 2-0 Romania.
Welbeck's looked a more likely penalty than Ledley's, mind.
Looking back at that Wales penalty incident, I'm far from convinced that it wasn't a cynical dive from Ledley. In latest cynical diving news, Welbeck has been booked for simulation after England had a penalty claim turned down.
Naismith sticks the ball in the Serbian net, but he was offside, and there was a foul in the build-up. Just watching brief highlights of Malta v Italy, where the home side also thudded a crossbar.
Half-time in Malta, and Italy lead 2-0, Balotelli scoring a second on the stroke of the interval. It's not been entirely straightforward, though – Buffon had to save a penalty. Half-time also in the Wales and Northern/Republic of Ireland games.
Also, at some point while I was looking elsewhere, Bolivia took the lead against Argentina. It's still 1-0 there, with precisely half an hour gone.
GOAL! A second from Jonathan Walters, a few seconds into first-half stoppage time. It's a far-post header from McLean's corner, much like England's goal, only Walters was more marked than Rooney was. Anyway, it's Republic of Ireland 2-1 Austria!
Northern Ireland are knocking sharply on Israel's door, and they just sent the ball zipping across the face of goal, but nobody turned it in.
Stanislav Manolev has put Bulgaria a goal up in Denmark, in the 52nd minute. What's No1 in Bulgaria, I hear you ask? Why, it's Кауза Пердута by Графаm featuring Jahmmi. I can't find it on youtube.
EDIT: It's here if you want to see/hear it. Insider tip: you don't.
The Republic's Shane Long has backheeled against the post against Austria, and Northern Ireland's Jonny Evans has been booked. And Bale has just blasted a good chance wide after a quick counter-attack.
Scotland have made it to half-time without conceding. Or, indeed, scoring.
Belgium have just had a goal disallowed, Vermaelen being given offside. And Northern Ireland have had a shot cleared off the line, or near enough, by an Israeli defender.
Ukraine have taken an entire hour to score against Moldova at home, but they have indeed scored, Andriy Yarmolenko making it 1-0.
IIkay Gundogan has put Germany 3-0 up against Kazakhstan in the 31st minute. At this point I would link to the current German No1, but it's Rihanna, and that's no fun.
Ooooh! No sooner to I switch over to see how Belgium are getting on at home to Macedonia than Benteke is played in by a neat ball over the top, only to shoot wide of the near post. Just as well – he was a couple of yards offside. That would have been a disastrous goal to allow.
Point of information from @lindbosa on Twitter: Sweden haven't got the night off completely – they're playing a friendly against Slovakia. The second half has just got under way, with the score still 0-0.
Elsewhere in England's group, Poland have gone 2-0 up against San Marino, Lukasz Piszczek with the second in the 28th minute.
Marco Reus has given Germany a 1-0 lead at home to Kazakhstan. They should have a foot in Brazil by the end of the night.
Jonathan Walters slams his penalty low and hard and into the bottom left corner. Republic of Ireland 1-1 Austria!
Another penalty! And this one's given to the Republic of Ireland, Long being caught on the byline by Pogatetz. Bad place to concede a penalty, that is.
Gareth Bale slams the ball low and hard and down the middle: Wales 1-0 Croatia!
Wales have a penalty, a clear trip on Joe Ledley!
GOAL! England have hit the woodwork twice and now they've only gone and scored, in the sixth minute, Rooney heading in Gerrard's corner at the back post.
The most interesting thing about Serbia v Scotland so far is the pitch, but for an optimistic handball-based penalty shout from the Scots, is a pitch which in places is rougher and balder than, um, Uluru?
"Any chance of mentioning a result from earlier?" asks Robin Hazlehurst. "Estonia beat Andorra 2-0 to go not-bottom of their group. As a game it was … well it was a game and it looked like football but a win is a win, so it'll do." Excellent match report, Robin.
Croatia have just missed a decent chance against Wales, spearing a shot wide from 16 yards.
Hungary have equalised against Turkey – another defensive error there – while Mario Balotelli has scored yet another penalty, to put Italy a goal up in Malta.
GOAL! Austria have taken an 11th-minute lead against the Republic of Ireland, where Zlatko Junuzovic steals possession off a Ciarán Clark, sprints into the penalty area and squares for Martin Harnik to score.
Seven minutes played in Swansea, about half of them spent by Gareth Bale eyeing up the free kick he just sent over the bar.
Burak Yilmaz has put Turkey ahead against Hungary, where there are a little over 20 minutes to play. If they can hold on to that they'd rejoin the fight for second place in Group D.
Itay Schechter has just come close for Israel against Northern Ireland, at the end of a good spell of pressure for the visitors.
Serbia are well on top against Scotland, but their best goalscoring chance so far ended in a very weak shot.
Meanwhile … Hyde 1 (Matthew Blinkhorn 3) Cambridge Utd 0
GOAL! Holland have taken the lead against Romania in the 12th minute, Rafael van der Vaart with it, taking Robin van Persie's touch and scoring with a smart low shot from 22 yards.
And here's Wales v Croatia:
Wales: Myhill, Gunter, Ashley Williams, Collins, Davies, Ledley, Jonathan Williams, King, Bellamy, Robson-Kanu, Bale. Subs: Price, Lynch, Nyatanga, Ricketts, Richards, Church, Tudur Jones, Vokes, Easter, Fon Williams.
Croatia: Pletikosa, Strinic, Corluka, Lovren, Srna, Rakitic, Modric, Sammir, Badelj, Mandzukic, Eduardo. Subs: Kresic, Pavlovic, Kovacic, Vukojevic, Jelavic, Schildenfeld, Kalinic, Olic, Petric, Vida, Subasic.
Referee: Luca Banti (Italy).
Here's Republic of Ireland v Austria:
Rep of Ireland: Forde, Coleman, O'Shea, Clark, Wilson, Walters, Whelan, McCarthy, McClean, Sammon, Long. Subs: Westwood, O'Dea, St. Ledger, Hoolahan, Doyle, Kelly, Keogh, Brady, Cox, Green, Hendrick, Randolph.
Austria: Lindner, Garics, Pogatetz, Dragovic, Fuchs, Arnautovic, Junuzovic, Kavlak, Alaba, Hosiner, Harnik. Subs: Ozcan, Ivanschitz, Weimann, Suttner, Baumgartlinger, Prodl, Jantscher, Klein, Leitgeb, Janko, Ortlechner, Konigshofer.
Referee: Marijo Strahonja (Croatia).
About time we had some team news, I think. Here are the Serbia v Scotland teams:
Serbia: Stojkovic, Ivanovic, Nastasic, Subotic, Tomovic, Basta, Fejsa, Milivojevic, Tosic, Tadic, Djuricic. Subs: Aleksic, Rukavina, Stevanovic, Bisevac, Petrovic, Krsticic, Radovanovic, Rajkovic, Djordjevic, Djurdjic, Brkic.
Scotland: Marshall, Hutton, Caldwell, Hanley, Whittaker, Boyd, McArthur, Bridcutt, Maloney, Naismith, Rhodes. Subs: McGregor, Dorrans, Burke, Webster, Adam, Berra, Miller, Bannan, Caddis, Gilks.
Referee: Istvan Vad (Hungary.
Goals not exactly flooding in yet, with most of the big games yet to get under way. So in the meantime, enjoy this Eurotastic effort, currently No1 in Denmark.
Given that we've got an international outlook this evening, and the Croats are in Wales, here's some music to match: this is No1 in Croatia. Pleasingly, it sounds exactly like the kind of song you'd expect to be No1 in Croatia.
It's going to be a wonderful evening. I can feel it. Here are the headlines:
It's between Belgium and Croatia in this one. Croatia head to Swansea to play Wales, while Belgium are at home to Macedonia. Scotland are in Serbia.
Italy led by a point with a game in hand and a fixture in Malta to come tonight. Second-placed Bulgaria play Denmark in Copenhagen; third-placed Czech Republic have already beaten Armenia 3-0 in Yerevan, with two goals by Watford/Udinese's Matej Vydra.
Germany are running away with it, and play useless Kazakhstan in Nuremberg. Sweden, Austria and the Republic of Ireland are scrapping for second, and the latter two play each other in Dublin while Sweden have the night off.
Holland are sprinting clear, and will be even clearer if they beat third-placed Romania at home. Second-placed Hungary are in Istanbul.
For some reason Group E has the night off.
It looks like Portugal will beat 10-man Azerbaijan to go second, England's own Andre Marriner having harshly sent off Rauf Aliyev with 35 minutes remaining and the scores at 0-0. Russia lead the group with a 100% record after four games but don't play; third-place Israel head to Northern Ireland.
Group G also have the night off.
This is all about Montenegro v England. Barry Glendenning is helming a minute-by-minute report on that one, but I'll be updating whenever something really good happens. In other news, Ukraine host Moldova and Poland welcome San Marino to Warsaw.
France play Spain! Spain play France! In France! "We will take the battle to them!" roared Didier Deschamps. Sean Ingle is minute-by-minuting this one, but again the big stuff will go on here.
The entire rest of the world
Due to insistence of inconsiderate foreign folk on having their own time zones, there are complications here. I'll try to keep up with Bolivia v Argentina, whose encounter in La Paz is due to kick off at 8pm UK time. Already today Japan, needing only a draw to become the first team to qualify for the World Cup, have already gone and lost 2-1 in Jordan, missing a penalty along the way. Manchester United's Shinji Kagawa got Japan's goal.