Good evening y'all and wlecome to our coverage of tonight's Group E match between Cameroon and Holland. It's fairly straightforward. This match is to all intents and purposes a dead rubber, as Holland have already qualified for the next round and Cameroon can't. That said, the Dutch need a point to guarantee they top the group, earning a second round match against Slovakia. Finishing second would mean they'll have to play Paraguay - much of a muchness really. Tonight's other Group E match, between Denmark and Japan, is a straight shoot-out to see who'll join Holland in the last 16. Denmark must win, while a draw will suffice for Japan.
Previously in Group E: Holland got their campaign off to a good start with a routine, but unimpressive win over Denmark in Johannesburg, while Japan saw off Cameroon in Bloemfontain. In the next round of matches, Holland won ugly (always a possibility with Dirk Kuyt in the team, types minute-by-minute reporter flinging rocks from his glasshouse) against Japan in Durban, while Cameroon went down 2-1 to Denmark in a thrilling match in Pretoria.
Some match pointers with which to bore your friends and colleagues
• The only two previous matches between these two teams produced just one goal (0-0 in 1998 and a 1-0 win for Holland in 2006)
• Holland are unbeaten in their three World Cup matches against African opposition; however, they have failed to keep a clean sheet in any of these meetings.
• Cameroon were the first side to be knocked out of the 2010 World Cup. The "Indomitable Lions" have won just one of their last 12 World Cup games
• Holland have conceded only two goals in their last six World Cup matches, keeping four clean sheets in the process
• Holland have won all 10 of their competitive matches since the end of Euro 2008
Team news from the wires: Winger Arjen Robben is on the bench again for Netherlands as coach Bert van Marwijk makes only one change - bringing in Khalid Boulahrouz for Gregory van der Wiel.
Robben missed the opening wins over Denmark and Japan with a hamstring strain and though he trained on Thursday, Van Marwijk has opted against risking his most creative player from the start.
Right-back Van der Wiel is one of three Dutch players on a yellow card, who if cautioned again, would miss the next match.
Having made several changes for the second game after complaints from players, Paul Le Guen switches four for Thursday's clash as Landry Nguemo, Jean Makoun, Gaetan Bong and Eric Choupo-Moting are all drafted in.
Cameroon: 16-Hamidou Souleymanou; 19-Stephane Mbia, 7-Landry Nguemo, 3-Nicolas Nkoulou, 2-Benoit Assou-Ekotto, 8-Geremi, 11-Jean Makoun, 6-Alexandre Song, 9-Samuel Eto'o, 13-Eric Choupo-Moting, 12-Gaetan Bong.Subs: Kameni, Rigobert Song, Bassong, Emana, Chedjou, Webo, Idrissou, Matip, Aboubakar, Ndy Assembe.
Netherlands: 1-Maarten Stekelenburg; 12-Khalid Boulahrouz, 3-John Heitinga, 4-Joris Mathijsen, 5-Giovanni van Bronckhorst; 7-Dirk Kuyt, 6-Mark van Bommel, 10-Wesley Sneijder, 8-Nigel de Jong, 23-Rafael van der Vaart; 9-Robin van Persie.Subs: Vorm, Van Der Wiel, Robben, Ooijer, De Zeeuw, Braafheid, Elia, Schaars, Babel, Afellay, Huntelaar, Boschker.
Referee: Pablo Pozo (Chile)
Players on yellow cards who risk a suspension in the Last 16: Holland: De Jong, Van Persie, Van Der Wiel. Camero ... oh.
Players likely to pose problems for those who type minute-by-minute match reports: Holland: Maarten Stekekenburg, Joris Mathijsen, Wesley Sneijder, Rafael van der Vaart. Cameroon: Hamidou Souleymanou, Stphane Mbia, Lanry Nguemo, Nicolas Nkoulou, Eric Choupo Moting. Come back Poland, all is forgiven.
Players likely to cause titters of amusement whenever typed by minute-by-minute reporter: Gaeten Bong.
Not long now: The players are out and the national anthems have been sung. Cameroon wear their usual strip, while l'Oranje are kitted out in white shirts, blus shorts and white socks. Samuel Eto'o and Gio van Bronckhorst exchange pennants and pleasantries, then the ref tosses the coin.
1 min: Eric Choupo-Moting and Samuel Eto'o do the needful, getting proceedings underway. This is my second minute-by-minute report of the day and I didn't get any goals in the first one. Here's hoping this one delivers a few.
1 min: Geremi slides a pass down the right wing for Choupo-Moting to chase and the Cameroon keeps the ball in play, only to see his attempted cross blocked by Van Bronckhorst.
3 min: "Alex Song is on the pre-match team sheet but not on Fifa's feed to the telly," writes Edward Au. "What's going on?" I'm not sure, Edward, but I don't think he's playing. I'm not sure who's in for him, but I'll find out.
5 min: The match has got off to a promising start, with both teams having early shots on goal. Both are straight at the goalkeeper, though. Cameroon look the better so far.
6 min: Holland play the ball out of the back in an attempt to get something going. They don't get anything going.
7 min: Lille's Aurélian Bayard Chedjou Fongang is the man in for Alex Song. Mystery solved, now I can start concentrating on the match.
9 min: Good read from Cameroon goalkeeper Hamidou Souleymanou, who is quick off his line to be first on to a through-ball from Wesley Sneijder that was meant for Robin van Persie.
10 min: Dirk Kuyt concedes a corner as he blocks an attemped cross by Benoit Assou-Ekotto on the left touchline.
11 min: Holland win a throw-in that couldn't be deeper inside their own half. Van Bronkhorst flings the ball up the pitch.
12 min: "I thought any yellow or red card suspensions were cleared at the next level? All players start with a clean slate, so to speak," writes Michael Grover. You're mistaken, Michael - that used to be the case, but I think this year they're carried through to the quarter-finals, then scrapped. It's an attempt by Fifa to help players to avoid missing the final.
15 min: It's a lively game, but nothing is being created in the way of chances. The mystery over Alex Song's absence continues - apparently he's not injured, so it must be down to a late change of mind by Paul Le Guen. A pre-match hissy-fit or bust-up, perhaps?
16 min: Cameroon win a corner, which Geremi pokes towards the near post from the right quadrant. Holland clear.
17 min: Dirk Kuyt gets booked - I'm sorry to say I have not got the foggiest idea why. Japan have gone one up against Denmark.
18 min: "Since Holland have only to play Slovakia in the next round, shouldn't Van Persie and de Jong go ahead and pick up their 2nd yellows here," writes Apur Patel. "Then they'd be free for the quarterfinals when they might actually be needed. Surely, Holland's Second XI could beat Slovakia. Italy's over-40 team almost did."
19 min: Holland go close. From the left flank, Van Bronkhorst pings the ball into the path of Robin van Persie, who cannons a right-footed shot straight at the onrushing Hamidou Souleymanou. Good save, although Van Persie made it easy for him.
20 min: I wonder if Rigobert Song, who's looking more and more like some sort of shamanic wizard these days, will get brought on at some point to appear/get sent off in his fourth World Cup finals. Is there a man or woman among us who would not like to see Messrs Song and Bong linking up for a late winner?
23 min: Van Persie Gerrards what was supposed to be a raking 50-yard cross-field pass out over the endline.
24 min: Van Bronkhorst picks out Van Der Vaart on the left of the penalty area with his back to goal. He lays off to Sneijder, who tries to scurry past three Cameroon defenders and through on goal. The Dutch No10 is given short shrift and crowded off the ball.
25 min: Stephane Mbia bundles Van Der Vaart cover as he waits for a dropping ball (a football, not a testicle) and Holland win a free-kick just to the right of the D outside the Cameroon penalty area.
26 min: Van Der Vaart whips in the ball, which bounces in front of Hamidou Souleymanou in the Cameroon goal. He holds on well, earning himself a patronising pat on the head from Johnny Heitinga.
27 min: In an email entitled "Irony?", Ianthe Mumford writes, regarding my entry on players that are likely to pose problems for those who type minute-by-minute reports. "Shouldn't this be 'Stekelenburg'?" he/she writes. D'oh!
29 min: Geremi crosses from the right and John Makoun leaps highest to get his head to it before - deep breath - Maarten Stekelenburg, with his ridiculously superfluous 'a' and five-syllable surname, can punch clear. Wide.
33 min: Japan go two-up in Rustenburg, which means Denmark will need at least three goals to qualify for the last 16. Meanwhile back at this particular ball-game, Dirk Kuyt shoots low and diagonally across the face of the Cameroon goal. Wide, but not by much.
34 min: If Japan keep scoring goals and Cameroon win here, Holland could finish second in the group and have to play Paraguay instead of Slovakia. Would they care?
35 min: Cameroon embark on a counter-attack courtesy of left winger Gaeten Bong ... oh, hold on ... HOLLAND HAVE SCORED.
GOAL! Cameroon 0-1 Holland (Van Persie 36) NUTS!! Van Persie gallops down the right flank, plays a lovely one-two with ... I think, Van Der Vaart ... and then shoots low and diagonally through Souleymanou, who was unable to adjust his feet in time to block the shot and gets nutmegged.
37 min: After an impromptu bout of head-tennis in the Dutch penalty area, the ball drops kindly for Gaeten Bong, who tries to stab the ball into the bottom left-hand corner from six or seven yards out. His shot is blocked by a defender and goes out for a corner, from which nothing comes.
39 min: Eto'o tries to beat the Holland offside trap and run on to a through-ball from Geremi, but the flag goes up. Eto'o grins ruefully then gives his provider a McCartney-esque double thumbs aloft.
41 min: Great cross from Geremi out on the right wing. Eto'o gets between Heitinga and Mathijsen but his control lets him down.
43 min: More mayhem in the Dutch penalty area, following another great delivery from the right by Geremi, aged 63. He dipping cross is only half cleared at the near post and drops nicely for Gaeten Bong, whose weak volley is stopped by Maarten Stekelenburg, whose name remains difficult to type.
44 min: Landry Nguemo plays a ball over the Dutch defence for Eto'o to chase. Van Stelek ... Van Stekelb ... the Dutch goalkeeper reads the situation well and rushes to the edge of his penalty area to put a stop to the Cameroon striker's gallop.
45 min: After one minute of injury time, the referee blows for the half-time tea. As the teams file off the pitch, Arsenal team-mates Robin van Persie and Cameroon sub Alex Song exchange handshakes and a chat.
Half-time chat: "Will you be on the pod later, sticking it to AC Jimbo over the Italian's early exit/national humiliation?" asks Steven Duggins. I certainly will, Steven, although I think he might have suffered enough. He's here in the office hoarse and struggling to speak, having lost his voice shouting abuse at Howard Webb for disallowing that goal.
"FYI: the Dutch may be through to the last 16 but they're taking this game very seriously," writes Suresh Nair. "The entire population seems to be in bars or in front of their TVs dressed in blinding orange and some are even playing orange vuvuzelas, I kid you not. No-one's talking about the stuttering Dutch offence in this WC - and as I say that Kuyt shoots one past goal!"
"Although it's been fairly boring to watch Holland in this tournament, it seems as if they've finally learned how to win ugly," writes Pjotr van Rooijen, who should be in their starting XI with a difficult-to-spell name like that. "Even if I'm not quite ready to see my team grind out 1-0 results just to progress, I'd rather have us play like this and win the thing then by playing beautiful football and going out in the quarter finals."
"Can you confirm who go the Dutch assist?" enquires Adam Walker. "Very important for the fantasy football team etc." I can confirm from replays that it was, as I suspected, Rafael van der Vaart.
Meanwhile in Rustenburg: I've just seen that both Japan's goals were sensational free-kicks. I make that just three intentional goals from free-kicks we've had in this tournament (plus one fluke from - I think - a Nigerian), all from oriental players: two Japanese and a South Korean.
Second half: Holland get the second half started. "Dude, I believe the preferred nomenclature is Asian-Asians, not oriental," writes Stephen Skaff. Yeah, you're right, sorry about that. It's been a long day. Brain tired.
47 min: The ball trickles across the edge of the Dutch penalty area and under pressure from Boularouz, Eto'o steps over it so that it rolls into the path of Gaeten Bong. His effort is blocked at the source.
48 min: The camera pans to Rigobert Song on the Cameroon bench. He looks a picture of disgruntlement: chewing gum, arms folded, a look of sneering contempt on his face as he monitors the on-field action.
49 min: In Rustenburg, Japan almost go three up with yet another free-kick, but hit the post. In Cape Town, Cameroon pass the ball around in midfield.
50 min: Van Persie is put through on goal with a defence-splitting pass, but is unable to shake off Nkoulou and Nguemo. He pulls the trigger early, but Hamidou Souleymanou is well able for his low drive.
52 min: Stephen Skaff is back: "For legal cover, please credit the Coen brothers' Big Lebowski," he says. I didn't even get the reference - like I say, it's been a long day.
53 min: More Dutch pressure. Kuyt tries to pick out Van Persie from the right channel after picking up a pass down the flank from Boularouz, but his effort is blocked.
55 min: Holland win a free-kick, 35-40 yards from the Cameroon goal, right of centre. Sneijder tries his luck and is on target, but doesn't trouble Cameroon goalkeeper Souleymanou.
56 min: It is with great sorrow that I have to report he dream of a Song-Bong link-up is dead. Cameroon substitution: Bong off, Vincent Aboubakar, who is just 18 years of age, on. He';s a striker who plays for Ligue 1 side Valenciennes in France, in case you were wondering.
59 min: The number of superfluous Dutch As has just increased by two. Holland substitution: Robin Van Persie on, Klaas Jan Huntelaar on. Bah! Or should I say, baah!
60 min: Cameroon go close, twice in quick succession. Eto'o being denied by a last-ditch lunge from a defender to win a corner for his side. From the corner, Landry Nguemo was teed up for a shot from distance, but his effort was saved.
61 min: Jean Makoun is teed up for a shot on goal by a wonderfully creative defence-splitting slide-rule pass from the young substitute, Aboubakar. His low drive from seven yards is well saved by Maarten Stekelenburg.
63 min: Free-kick for Cameroon, a little outside the Holland penalty area, left of centre. Vincent Aboubakar grabs the ball to take it, but Jean Makoun quite violently grabs the ball from him and hands it to Geremi. He takes the kick and it's blocked by Van Der Vaart in the wall. He used his arm - penalty to Cameroon!!!
GOAL! Cameroon 1-1 Holland (Eto'o 65) Eto'o takes the spot-kick, blasting it chest-high to the goalkeeper's right. Stekelenburg went the right way, but the ball fizzed between his outstretched hand and the upright. Good penalty.
66 min: After scoring, Eto'o jogged into the Holland goal, picked the ball out of the net and rushed back to the centre-circle. He really wants to win this match. Van Der Vaart was booked for the handball that cost his side the penalty and Holland made a substitution: Kuyt off, Hamburg's Eljer Elia on.
68 min: Free-kick for Holland, in line with the right-hand edge of the Cameroon penalty area, about five yards outside it. Huntelaar, or is it Sneijder (my short-term memory is that shot) tries his luck but Souleymanou is wise to his caper and saves comfortably.
68 min: Van Bronckhorst picks up a cheap booking for a clumsy challenge, Holland's third caution of a match that hasn't been dirty. Corner for Cameroon, from which nothing comes.
70 min: Cameroon substitution: Eric Choupo-Moting off, Mohammadou Idrissou on. Arjen Robben and Rigobert Song will be on shortly.
73 min: Holland substitution: Arjen Robben on to test his hamstrings, Rafael van der Vaart off. Cameroon substitution: Nicolas Nkoulou off, Rigobert Song on to appear in his fourth consecutive World Cup. "He looks like Neptune," muses BBC match analyst Mark Lawrenson, making me laugh out loud for the first time ever. All he's missing is a crown made from sea-shells and a trident.
76 min: The BBC commentator reckons Rigobert Song is 33 years old. And the rest, I'd say you could add another 10 years to that.
77 min: Geremi pings the ball to Eto'o, standing with his back to goal just inside the Holland box. He loses the ball and Holland clear their lines. Whatever about playing in four different World Cups, if Rigobert Song can get a red card in the next 13 minutes he'll have been sent off in three. There's a record worth having.
81 min: Holland win a free-kick from a foul that earns Stephane Mbia a yellow card. He'll miss the next ga ... oh. Sneijder whips the ball in from the left and the ball is put out for another corner, which comes to nothing.
GOAL! Cameroon 1-2 Holland (Huntelaar 83) That's a great goal. With a caress from the outside of Sneijder's boot, the ball's played over the top for Robben to chase and he leaves Song, 33, in his dust. His first touch is poor and causes him to take the ball wide, but keeping his head, he cuts inside, takes the ball around Song and unleashes a curling shot that beats Souleymanou and smacks off the upright. The ball bounces back into play and Huntelaar has the relatively easy task of pinging it into the empty net from 12 or 13 yards.
86 min: Denmark have pulled one back against Japan, but need two more. Meawhile, this from reader and Beautiful South bassist Sean Welch, one of two bass players from famous bands I "know" quite well, our own golf correspondent and former (Lloyd Cole And The) Commotion(s) Lawrence Donegan being the other. "You seem to have drawn the duff matches today," thum-thum-thum-thums Sean, who laid down the bass on Perfect Ten. "Over here on centre court Japan are playing like Barcelona with what can only be described as Tripitaka football."
89 min: Having being under the cosh for most of the second half, Holland are well on top. Arjen Robben is wreaking havoc, skinning their defence with his pace time and again.
90+1 min: Elijer, who is no slouch either, skins Mbia down the left but doesn't lift his head before sending a cross into the middle for Song to chest down for Souleymanou to gather. Had Elijer stolen a glance, he'd have pulled the ball back to Robben, who was unmarked just outside the six-yard box.
Peep! Peep! Peep! It's all over. Holland win 2-1, top the group and will play Slovakia in the last 16. Japan have just gone 3-1 up against Denmark and will therefore finish second and take on Paraguay in the first knockout stage. Denamrk will finish third in Group E, while Cameroon will whip them after three defeats.
Post-match comments: "You know we in Cameroon also wonder how old Wayne Rooney really is," writes Kenneth fomenky. "Please do tell." Touché.
This is not a news report and may contain views expressed by the author which are not supported by GNM.