ALL TOGETHER NOW ...

Oh dear, where can Juan Mata be, unwitting victim of tedious punnery, in purgatory, ever since José, and everyone wept he was there.

Now packed off to Swindon for Tin Pot Cup buffoonery, he can't be trusted for playing on Saturday, too darn polite to renounce the cruel tyranny, José just simply hates flair.

Oh dear, where can Juan Mata be, unwitting victim of tedious punnery, in purgatory, ever since José, and everyone wept he was there.

With locks that do curl and wave oh so gracefully, svelte and cute legs that move with dexterity, clearly a model of arch masculinity, José can only despair.

Oh dear, where can Juan Mata be, unwitting victim of tedious punnery, in purgatory, ever since José, and everyone wept he was there.

He writes stylish prose, with insight and empathy, sensitive thoughts, expressed with due clarity, right for your daughter, he loves with sincerity, but he's no good in the air.

Oh dear, where can Juan Mata be, unwitting victim of tedious punnery, in purgatory, ever since José, and everyone wept he was there.

There's no hanging back, like Mikel John Obi, or chugging and charging, like the old man Frankie, he's thoughtful and calm, so plays with a levity, José just simply can't bear.

Oh dear, where can Juan Mata be, unwitting victim of tedious punnery, in purgatory, ever since José, and everyone wept he was there.

Playing the football that's thrilling and heavenly, doesn't compare to winning disgracefully, ridding a talent of all spontaneity, classic Mourinho fare.

Oh dear, where can Juan Mata be, unwitting victim of tedious punnery, in purgatory, ever since José, and everyone wept he was there.

Join Jacob Steinberg for minute-by-minute coverage of Swindon 0-2 Chelsea from 7.45pm.

QUOTE OF THE DAY

"Bale has come cheaply" – Florentino Pérez loves an £85.3m bargain.

FIVER LETTERS

"Regarding the clever interplay between the headline, lead photograph and caption in yesterday's Fiver: am I correct in assuming that, when it works, it is [Fiver Ed] who comes up with this stuff?" – Zack Bingen.

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• Send your letters to the.boss@guardian.co.uk. And if you've nothing better to do you can also tweet the Fiver. Today's winner of our letter o' the day prize – just to prove a point – is Chris Harrison, who gets a copy of the newly updated paperback edition of I Am The Secret Footballer.

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BITS AND BOBS

Bookies' favourite Gus Poyet is searching for a sturdy broom in anticipation of sweeping up the mess left by Paolo Di Canio at Sunderland.

Manchester United will not appeal against the listing of Old Trafford as an Asset of Community Value. "We do not believe the decision to name Old Trafford an Asset of Community Value has any meaningful impact on the club," wibbled a club suit.

Noel King has been charged with prodding the dying embers of the Republic O'Ireland's doomed World Cup qualifying campaign after being appointed as interim manager.

And the FA can buy 560,000 M&S blazers should they wish after Club Wembley, the ring of seats that posh people don't sit in because they're too busy ploughing through the fizz and vol-au-vents inside the national stadium, made £56m. Kerching!

STILL WANT MORE?

Before bitegate and being banned for raci@l abuse, Luis Suárez had a difficult time growing up. Ana Laura Lissardy appeals for your sympathies in this exclusive extract.

Imagine Dennis Bergkamp's reaction if he found out he made it into the Fiver, if he got this hysterical about making it on Ceefax pages 301 and 302. Read the second exclusive extract from his book.

A great goal is still a great goal. Get more Paul Campbell truisms and 10 excellent consolation goals here, that might not have meant anything to the result but could yet mean something to your flagging afternoon.

And Samuel Eto'o stars as ET, a wrecking ball and a cut-price supermarket in this week's Gallery.

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A BIG WELCOME TO LITTLE SEAN