What a setting, what a scoreline, and what a way to celebrate the 125th birthday of Rod Stewart! More than a club? The Queen's Celtic are that, thanks partially to triumphs such as the one masterminded by Neil Lennon last night and executed by a band of players who will probably never grace the cover of a market-leading console game but showed Barcelona that if you can't do the basics then you've no business calling yourself the best team in history. The Catalan Art Project conceded one goal from a corner, another from a mighty punt upfield, could have had two players sent off for fundamental incompetence and failed to find any flaw in Lennon's ploy of allowing them to have the ball in wide areas as often as they liked. Therefore Tito Vilanova's glitterati deservedly lost to a side glued together for a cumulative cost of £3.50 and a crate of Tizer.
It was a Queen's Celtic display that prompted an intoxicating mass outpouring of emotion from their fans, an intoxicating mass intake of lager by their fans and numerous intriguing questions, such as: aren't Celtic's scouts canny? Why did Newcastle let Fraser Forster go? How long before Barcelona try to sucker them into swapping Alex Song for Victor Wanyama? Did Kenny Dalglish think he was signing Georgios Samaras when he forked out £35m for Andy Carroll? And are you watching, the Pope's O'Rangers?
"Good defensive tactics, an amazing performance by Fraser Forster in goal, a partisan crowd and a pinch of good luck," summed up Angel LD Maza in Marca after a match that proved that even 99.9% possession is only nine-tenths of the law. "With these ingredients, [the Queen's] Celtic cooked up a night on which Barcelona were unable to offer their best," continued the scribe before praising the atmosphere conjured by the locals. "There is perhaps no greater home pitch advantage in all of football than a match at Parkhead."
"It was an enthralling fight between two different schools of football, similar to what has happened in the last few Clasicos," added AS's Alfredo Matilla, continuing: "Neither team's style of football is necessarily more dignified than the other's: one is direct, the other more elaborate, but both can lead you to victory." Vilanova and his players were similarly fair-minded in defeat, diluting their disappointment with tributes to the Queen's Celtic's valour and their fans' fervour. It was left to the club's official report to blurt Arsene Wenger-esque utterances suggesting the loss exposed defects in the sport rather than his team, drooling: "The three points were a far bigger return than the Hoops deserved from a bizarre game in which they scored with their only two serious attempts on goal."
QUOTE OF THE DAY
"We had a lot of the ball but we weren't really getting anywhere. So yes, [the power cut] really helped us" – Chris Smalling explains that you don't really need fancy stuff like tactics or false No8.3s to win a Big Cup match. Just turn out the lights and you're sorted.
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"The Queen's Celtic won. You must be feeling really bad about yourself" – trent9002.
"Since we are all comparing Fiver letter stories, Wayne Ziants (yesterday's Fiver letters) should think himself lucky. Back in the heady days of 2007 when riffing on toilet puns were considered the height of Fiver sophisticated wit, I managed to win letter of the day. I am now the proud owner of a Noel Edmonds CD, having previously never realised that he'd released anything. If anyone wants to make an offer it is still as new in the cellophane. And just to rub it in, the prize for the next day's letter of the day was two tickets to Brazil v Portugal at the Emirates" – Simon Barron.
"Following on from the link from Wayne Ziants to a 2005 Fiver, it appears that you guys used to give tips on what football was on the radio. Remarkable. Seven years later there are no longer tips as to what's on the radio, merely parsimonious attempts to bolster contribution by requesting correspondence, with the allure of winning an interactive computer football management game. You do more to Stop Football than you give yourselves credit for" – Chris Harrison.
"Reading the Fiver's own link to one of its 2005 versions, it struck me just how much the world has changed since 2005. Who'd have thought that in 2005 we were talking of Jose Mourinho, Joe Cole and SWP of Chelsea, Ashley Cole of Arsenal, of Michael Ballack joining Man Utd, Sam Allardyce of Bolton, Robbie Keane and Freddie Kanoute of Tottenham, and Dvd O Lry (Dvd O Lry!)? Perhaps the Fiver should request some space in the National Archives, so that in future years students might consider a degree in Fiver Studies. Just imagine how much leverage that could provide at a job interview? Just imagine. Perhaps a fine induction to my own Fiver Degree attempts can begin with the generous donation of one Football Manager 2013? Perhaps" – Marc Meldrum.
"Please don't send me Football Manager 2013. I was so obsessed with Championship Manager 97/98 at uni, that I became convinced that my teams did better when I was willing them to win. My wife won't put up with that sort of nonsense" – Steve Hill.
"Can I be among the first of 1,057 pedantic, Buckfast-swilling, haggis-chomping, kilted Scotsmen to point out that no, it's not called 'Sauciehall Street' (yesterday's Fiver). It's 'Sauchiehall'. Although that 'ch' sound is lost on you Sassanachs anyway" – Kenny Beaton (and 1,056 other pedantic, Buckfast-swilling, haggis-chomping, kilted Scotsmen).
• Competition: For a limited time only (basically until we run out of the copies stashed under the desk) we're giving away a copy of Football Manager 2013 (given a five-star rating by no less a source than Big Paper) for the letter of the day. So get scribbling. Today's winner: Chris Harrison.
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We keep trying to point out the utter futility of advertising an online dating service "for interesting people" in the Fiver to the naive folk who run Guardian Soulmates, but they still aren't having any of it. So here you go – sign up here to view profiles of the kind of erudite, sociable and friendly romantics who would never dream of going out with you.
BITS AND BOBS
Roy Hodgson has broken with more than a century of tradition and named someone who can pass in an England squad: Jack Wilshere is among the names for the 1-1 draw against Sweden next Wednesday. Full squad: Forster (Queen's Celtic), Hart (Manchester City), Ruddy (Norwich City); Baines (Everton), Bertrand (Chelsea), Cahill (Chelsea), Caulker (Tottenham), Jagielka (Everton), Johnson (Liverpool), Shawcross (Stoke City), Walker (Tottenham); Cleverley (Manchester United), Mbe (Liverpool), Lennon (Tottenham Hotspur), Osman (Everton), Shelvey (Liverpool), Sterling (Liverpool), Walcott (Arsenal), $exually Repressed Morris Dancing Fiver (Fiver Towers), Wilshere (Arsenal), Young (Manchester United); Rooney (Manchester United), Sturridge (Chelsea), Welbeck (Manchester United).
Nigel Adkins has promised to turn things around at Southampton despite speculation he's headed for the sack. "The relationship between me and the chairman is very good, which is an important one at any football club," Adkins said*. "I would imagine there would be loads of speculation about different things, but it is strong and it is good."
*Interesting stat: Southampton conceded 438 goals in the time it took Adkins to say the above sentence.
And Southampton goalkeeper Artur Boruc is available for selection after the club decided to take no action against him following allegations he threw a water bottle into the crowd. "We've had a thorough investigation into the situation against Tottenham," said Adkins in his second appearance in Bits and Bobs, equalling a record previously held by Ian Olney. "The investigation has now been concluded to the satisfaction of the football club," he added as a crack team of forensic experts put the bottle in question through 98 different tests before determining it is quite good at holding water.
STILL WANT MORE?
Ewan Murray adjust his woggle, sews on his Blog Writing badge and explains how Celtic's win over Barcelona came via an outstanding scouting network.
Richard Williams reckons Chelsea survived resting Plain Old JT against Shakhtar Donetsk. Just.
Morph attempting to do a Messi and the Football League giving the rest of the world a pasting feature in this week's YouTube round-up.
AC Jimbo and chums discuss Big Cup shocks, the Premier League weekend and Sid Lowe's dog in the latest edition of Football Weekly (Extra).
And after his return from a "heart-breaking" injury lay-off, Jack Wilshere is peppier than Pep Guardiola drinking Pepsi while covered in pepper, says David Hytner.