FULL TIME: West Ham United 0-3 Chelsea

Schurrle forces Jaaskelainen into scrambling at the left-hand post with a shot from the edge of the area. Ba puts the ball in the net a minute later, but he's offside. And that's it. A successful evening for Chelsea; not so hot for West Ham, who were the architects of their own downfall, and pitiful to boot. Chelsea are up to third in the table, just behind Liverpool on goals scored. West Ham meanwhile are still just above the relegation places. Finally, hats off to the GUARDIAN GOAL GUARANTEE, although Simon McMahon's not totally impressed: "BBC Alba had more goals."

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90 min: There will be three added minutes of this.

88 min: Ba looks to release Schurrle down the middle, but overcooks the pass. The away support are giving it plenty. A fair chunk of the home support has buggered off home. And who can blame them?

85 min: Morrison hands the ball to Schurrle in a very sloppy manner. Schurrle is deep inside his own half, but makes it all the way to the right-hand side of the West Ham box. He hesitates, so can't shoot, but pulls one back for Essien. This really should have ended in a goal, but the ball's just behind Essien, who has to perform a Muhammad Ali Before He's About To Clatter Someone's Jaw double shuffle. What's good in the world of boxing doesn't necessarily work on the football field, however, and West Ham have time to charge the shot down. Schurrle wants to take a good look at himself there, not that it really matters.

84 min: And a final change by Chelsea, Essien coming on for Hazard.

83 min: Now we see Schurrle. Bye, Oscar!

WE PROMISED GOALS, YOU GOT GOALS. West Ham United 0-3 Chelsea (Lampard 82)

Chelsea were thinking about taking Oscar off a minute ago, when Ba replaced Eto'o, but left him on while Schurrle received some additional tactical advice. Good thing too for Chelsea, for he attempts to convert a low Ivanovic cross from the right with a backflick. It doesn't come off, but the ball breaks to Lampard on the edge of the box, and the former Hammer welts a low one into the bottom left. Game over, but despite a couple of close shaves down the other end, we've known that for quite a while now.

80 min: Downing finally decides to go for it, and nearly reaps the reward. He puts his head down and races into space down the right, then sends a fantastic cross to the far post, where Jarvis is waiting to head home from close range. But no! Ivanovic nips in at the last second to nut the thing away. Nothing comes from the corner.

79 min: And now a change for Chelsea. Eto'o is replaced by Ba.

76 min: Maiga lays off cleverly for Nolan, who is sent zipping down the right. Maiga peels off into the box, and he's in acres, but Nolan hesitates and then finds he can't get the cross in. For a second, West Ham looked like getting back into this game. It's Nolan's last act of the afternoon, as seconds later he's hooked, and Jarvis comes on to replace him.

74 min: It's all fairly subdued at Upton Park right now.

72 min: Maiga twists and turns down the inside-right channel, confusing Lampard even further. He clips a ball into the area in the hope of finding the head of Nolan, but Cahill dives in to Keith Houchen it away for a corner. Nowt comes of the set piece.

70 min: Lampard's free kick is staggeringly witless.

69 min: Azpilicueta is forced to head a deep Noble cross from the left behind for a corner on the right. But it's easily cleared by Chelsea, who stream upfield. Oscar, eating up the yards, should release Eto'o down the inside right, but his pass is poor. However, he's been clipped from behind by Morrison, and Lampard will take a free kick from 30 yards.

67 min: Ramires exchanges passes with Oscar down the right. The latter eventually slips the ball inside for the former, who has a lash from the edge of the area. His effort is blocked. 

64 min: Demel nearly repays West Ham for his mistake ahead of Chelsea's penalty. He dances past three challenges, tight near the corner flag down the right, then fizzes a glorious low ball through the Chelsea six-yard box. Maiga meets it, level with the left-hand post, but somehow squirts the ball wide! What a miss, what a terrible miss. For all Chelsea's dominance, West Ham were an inch or so from getting back into this!

62 min: Eto'o, 25 yards out and fairly central, opens his body and sets a curler outside the right-hand post with a view to nipping it back into the top corner. It's inches away from coming back in. Jaaskelainen was beaten, but he wasn't badly positioned, it was simply a stunning effort. 

61 min: Diame cuts inside from the left and sends a looping ball through the box. Maiga attempts a bicycle kick, but only succeeds in landing on his back. It's not quite Clive Allen at Highbury in the 1987 Littlewoods Cup semi finals, but that'll take the wind out for a minute or two, all the same.

60 min: Downing gets a yard on Ivanovic down the left, forcing the full back to extend a leg and concede a corner. The ball's sent sailing into the six-yard box, but Tomkins gives Cech a little nudge, and you know what modern referees are like.

58 min: Demel flicks a tasty pass down the right touchline to release Diame into space, but the resulting cross doesn't even beat the first man. Real frustration spilling down from the stands; even when West Ham get a move going, the end result is wholly unsatisfactory.

57 min: After some pretty triangulation all the way up the pitch, Azpilicueta reaches the byline to the left of goal and loops the ball across to the right-hand side of the box. Oscar is rushing in, and really should volley home from ten yards, but his effort flashes wide right. That's a poor miss from a player who otherwise has looked right on top of his game this evening.

56 min: Oscar and Eto'o shuttle the ball inside from the left wing. Lampard has a batter from the edge of the area. Jaaskelainen gathers. West Ham are in a right old state.

55 min: Chelsea have enjoyed 73% of the possession since the restart.

54 min: West Ham can't get the ball.

53min: Ramires sends Oscar into the box down the right. He twists this way then that, before slipping Eto'o further down the channel. Eto'o smacks a low shot at a tight angle. Corner. From which Cahill clanks a header goalwards. The ball's heading into the bottom left corner, but Noble is on the post and bangs clear.

50 min: Diame cuts in from the right wing and tugs a low shot wide right. Not ideal, but better than a lot of what's gone before.

48 min: Downing, on the left, curls a cross through the Chelsea area. The ball bounds out of play to the right of goal. That was a decent, inviting ball. Nobody bothered to attack it.

47 min: Hazard rolls a ball down the inside right for Oscar, whose attempt to cut inside for the area doesn't come off. Chelsea have flown out of the blocks here. By way of comparison, Demel dithers over a throw, causing the West Ham faithful to self-combust. There are a few lids rattling in the stands.

And we're off again! Chelsea get the ball rolling. West Ham surely can't play any worse than they did in the first half. Problem is, Chelsea probably still have a couple of gears to shift up. Eto'o jigs around on the edge of the West Ham D, but can't quite make himself enough space to get a shot away.

Half-time snack:

Eels, pie and liquor. If it's good enough for local lad David Beckham (not pictured), it's good enough for you.

HALF TIME: West Ham United 0-2 Chelsea

We promised goals, there have been goals. You've mainly got the West Ham defence to thank for that, mind, we can take no credit. The half-time whistle is met with a boo that nearly whips the roof off the Boleyn Ground. Big Sam has a big half-time team-talk ahead of him.

45 min: Oscar dances and diddles down the right, then fires a low ball straight through the six-yard box. It's a magnificent cross, just begging to be turned in, but Eto'o can't quite extend himself to meet the ball. West Ham are fortunate the gap between the teams is only two goals. Chelsea have been as good going forward as West Ham have been collectively appalling.

43 min: A loose ball on the left-hand edge of the West Ham box. Eto'o rushes in to meet it first time, and sends a curler towards the top right-hand corner. Jaaskelainen tips round the post brilliantly. The corner is something of a non-event. West Ham break through Morrison, who spurts adroitly through two challenges in the middle of the park, and then looks to recreate Michael Owen's goal against Argentina at the 1998 World Cup. Cahill is having none of it, though, and steps across to barge him out of the way. The crowd enjoyed that little cameo, though. The young man's a showman.

40 min: Sam Allardyce, steam coming out of his lugs, makes a double substitution. Joe Cole and Collison are the men sacrificed, with Diame and Maiga coming on to replace him. Cole doesn't look particularly happy, whipping his top off, but does shake his manager's hand too. Mixed messages? Certainly no mixed messages from a section of the home support, who boo in the strident manner.

39 min: Chelsea should be three up. Hazard is sent clear down the middle by Eto'o, but he can't trap an easy ball, letting it roll off to the left wing. The ball's recycled after a Demel error, allowing Lampard to rasp a shot over the bar from 20 yards.

37 min: Downing whips a cross in from the left. The ball's cleared. But a bit more pressure applied by the home side, as O'Brien is bowled over down the same wing. Noble's free kick is sent to the far post, forcing Chelsea to concede a corner. Tomkins wins a header from it, but can't get any purchase on the ball and Chelsea clear easily.

36 min: A smattering of boos from the home support. You can hardly blame them, the self-destruct button has been pushed by West Ham with extreme prejudice.

GUARDIAN-GUARANTEED GOAL!!! West Ham United 0-2 Chelsea (Oscar 34)

Chelsea ping it around the back for some time. Then they eventually spring forward through Oscar, who is accompanied on his trot by Collins. There's no challenge as he meanders down the inside-left channel. Oscar approaches Tomkins, who is also asleep. Once he reaches the edge of the D, he carefully rolls a shot into the bottom left. That's a brilliant goal from Oscar, though West Ham were backing off and not exactly pressing hard. That's pretty poor from the home side's point of view.

32 min: West Ham win a corner down the right through Demel, but what's the point. Chelsea skate upfield. Hazard finds Ivanovic in acres down the right. The full back sends an outswinger curling through the six-yard area. Jaaskelainen claims well with a safe pair of hands. That was a stunning cross.

30 min: Hazard zips into plenty of space down the right. He whips a ball to the far post, where Lampard guides a header inches wide left of the target. So close to a second. The home fans sound pretty down.

29 min: Jaaskelainen - who wasn't totally blameless for the penalty incident, spreading himself rashly in front of Oscar, who didn't need asking twice to clatter into him and go down - slashes a simple clearance out of play down the right. Nothing comes of it, but the West Ham keeper looks unnerved by what's happened. 

26 min: Morrison turns on the jets down the right, then pulls a ball inside for Demel. He's got space in the area, but his first touch is heavy and flies out of play. Slightly better by West Ham, but only slightly.

23 min: A low ball into the West Ham area from the right. Lampard tries to guide a shot into the bottom left from 12 yards out. He doesn't make a great connection: think someone swinging a string of sausages at a golf ball. Jaaskelainen goes down in slow motion to claim the slow-motion shot.

GUARDIAN GOAL GUARANTEE!!! West Ham United 0-1 Chelsea (Lampard 21 pen)

Lampard smacks the penalty straight down the middle. The entire frame of the goal nearly flies out of the ground. On the touchline, all Jose Mourinho is worried about is the fact Jaaskelainen wasn't sent off. He was the last man, but Demel was close enough. A red card would have been pretty harsh.

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20 min: PENALTY! PREPOSTEROUS PENALTY! Some head tennis in the West Ham area. A lame ball hovers down the inside left. Demel should cushion a header back to Jaaskelainen, but traps it with his thigh instead. There's not enough power in that! It forces Jaaskelainen to race off his line, as Oscar is nipping in to nick the loose ball away. The keeper upends the Brazilian as he attempts to round him on the left, and that's a penalty every day of the week. What utter haplessness by Demel.

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19 min: A deep cross into the Chelsea area from the West Ham left. Cole takes a pelt from ten yards, but the shot is well blocked, and Nolan can't latch onto the loose ball. 

17 min: Of course a goal will come! That's the GUARDIAN GOAL GUARANTEE! Nolan's just put the ball in the Chelsea net! Ah, but this won't count, because in going up to contest a high ball from the right wing with Cech, he's crumped his elbow into the keeper's ribs, a foul so obvious nobody even bothers cheering ironically.

16 min: Morrison loses the ball deep inside his own half, allowing Oscar to scamper in from the left and arc a shot just over the bar from 20 yards. This game could do with a goal, and that's the nearest we've come.

14 min: There's a fine atmosphere in Upton Park, a response this game doesn't quite deserve so far. Chelsea will be happy enough with their start, mind, especially given their slightly rocky away form this season so far.

11 min: A free kick for West Ham, out on the right by the halfway line. It's lumped into the area, Collins fighting an aerial duel with Terry, but the ball doesn't break for the home side. Ramires looks to break upfield along the right wing, but Morrison comes across to cover and wins a foul. That's fine tracking back. "Wow! That didn't take long. The Guardian Goals Guarantee really must work!" chirps Simon McMahon. "A goal inside 90 seconds. Oh, hang on, I'm watching Dundee United v. Partick Thistle on BBC Alba. Thought Alan Parry sounded a bit funny." So if there are no goals here tonight, at least this report will have been good for something: we've unearthed BBC Alba's viewer!

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8 min: Downing goes on one of his carefully-does-it runs down the left. He looks to have a yard on Ivanovic for a second, but he's too ponderous and the chance is gone. A bit better from the same player a few seconds later, as O'Brien sliderules a pass down the wing. Downing's in space, cuts back, but is closed down quickly and can't get a cross in. He regularly gets himself into fine positions, does Downing, but so rarely trusts himself to simply go for it.

7 min: Azpilicueta makes good down the left, and rolls a ball into the box for Eto'o, who takes a touch with a view to opening up his body and hammering a shot goalwards. He's blocked out of it. Chelsea are beginning to find their rhythm now.

5 min: Corner for Chelsea down the left, after Oscar was sent scampering into space. The ball's cleared, but Chelsea are soon coming back at the hosts through Hazard, who diddles his way to the byline down the left before clipping a ball into the area. Collins eyebrows it away to the other wing as it sails through the danger zone, with Eto'o lurking. That's decent defending.

3 min: Eto'o flicks the ball between his feet to extricate himself from a tight spot out on the left. Lovely tight skills. He takes a couple of steps inside and blooters a low shot goalwards, but his effort is charged down the second it flies off his boot.

2 min: Chelsea knock it around the back awhile. Terry receives pelters in the 'Boo' style from the home crowd. West Ham finally get a kick, the ball hoicked down the right for Morrison, forcing Cahill to belt a clearance into the stand. The throw's instantly turned over. It's all a bit scrappy so far, but let's give it time.

And we're off! West Ham get the ball rolling, kicking towards the tube. The ball's launched forward, and possession is lost within six seconds. The only way is up!

The teams are out! West Ham United sport their famous claret and blue, while Chelsea are in some sort of negative version of France's shirt at Euro 84, white with a blue-and-red band dot-to-dotting the old nips. Clean lines, clean looks.

Dramatis personæ

West Ham United welcome back Joey O'Brien, who takes the place of the injured Razvan Rat: Jaaskelainen, Demel, Collins, Tomkins, O'Brien, Collison, Noble, Downing, Morrison, Joe Cole, Nolan.
Subs: McCartney, Jarvis, Maiga, Adrian, Taylor, Diame, Carlton Cole. 

Chelsea still prefer Cesar Azpilicueta to Ashley Cole: Cech, Ivanovic, Cahill, Terry, Azpilicueta, Mikel, Lampard, Ramires, Oscar, Hazard, Eto'o.
Subs: Cole, Essien, Mata, Schurrle, Ba, Willian, Schwarzer. 

Referee: Chris Foy (Merseyside) 

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For the first time ever, your MBM report comes complete with a GUARDIAN GOAL GUARANTEE - or your money back!!! [Actual cash value: 0p] "But why are we making this ballsy promise?" is what we hear you ask. Because this hotly contested fixture has only ended 0-0 twice in the entire history of All Football, in 1969 and 2000, that's for why! Plus the fact, just look at some of the recent scorelines: 3-1 to West Ham last season, 3-1 to Chelsea the time before that, 4-0 to Chelsea back in 2008, 4-1 to Chelsea in 2007. Goals, we tells ya, goals! They're all around!

For the record, the most goalingest goalfest in this fixture's history came back in October 1986, when a West Ham side which had come close to the title the season before triumphed 5-3. "If you could ignore the police helicopters whirring overhead and several hundred constables employed outside Upton Park," began our man Robert Armstrong, "it was easy to believe that this astonishing derby belonged to a distant era when football seemed a product of unfettered instinct rather than systematic coaching. Eight goals, brilliant sunshine, a supercharged atmosphere, and defenders who appeared to be rehearsing for a Keystone Cops caper, combined to offer a hypnotic scenario." Chelsea went 3-2 up just after the hour mark, goals from Keith Jones, Kerry Dixon and John Bumstead obliterating early Ray Stewart and Frank McAvennie strikes. But three goals in the last ten minutes did for them: Stewart with his second penalty of the match, followed by a quick Tony Cottee one-two.

A similar affair this evening  eight goals, a supercharged atmosphere, defenders who appear to be rehearsing for a Keystone Cops caper, and a hypnotic scenario; we'll obviously have to do without the brilliant sunshine  will suit us just fine. It's on!

We're tempting fate into providing us with a 0-0 borefest, aren't we. Sorry about that.

Kick off: 5.30pm.

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