2.36pm:

Full time: Both teams go off to roars. It's safe to say those roars are of differing natures. Chelsea were just about the better team in the first-half, West Ham were by far the better side in the second half. "What price the bookies on Rafa's sacking before the end of the season? Get your money on," says Ian McPherson.

2.35pm:

90 min +3: Nando is denied by Jaaskelainen. Taylor played a big part in the third goal: Allardyce's subs have all contributed to the win.

2.33pm:

GOAL!!!!!! West Ham 3-1 Chelsea (Maiga 90+1) Ashley Cole gives the ball away with a ridiculous ball, Taylor's shot is parried by Cech and Maiga tucks into the rebound like it was a three-course meal.

2.31pm:

90 min: Four minutes of added time.

2.31pm:

89 min: Chelsea. Diame couldn't have struck that goal much better, I wouldn't have blamed Cech for ducking in terror as it went past him. West Ham win a corner and it's safe to say they take their time. "Is Alistair basically saying that Torres can't handle the pressure of having moved to a big club? (Insert mischievous smile/wink symbol here)," says Mark Gillies.

2.29pm:

87 min: Carlton Cole goes off for Maiga, with a very big smile on his face.

2.28pm:

GOAL!!!!! West Ham 2-1 Chelsea (Diame 85)

A decent substitution from Allardyce at half-time then. Cole nods the ball down to Diame on the edge of the area, and the ball hits the back of the net around 0.0000000006 seconds after leaving his boot.

2.26pm:

85 min: Oscar's shot deflects off Collins and over for a corner. Martin Atkinson gives a goal kick though. "Hmm, I've been following this dedicated football coverage, but I suddenly have a hankering for some South African/Portuguese chicken," says Matt Dony. "No idea why."

2.24pm:

83 min: Or they could just win the game themselves. Jarvis cuts in from the left and shoots across Cech's body - he pushes the ball past the post. From the resulting corner Reid's header is cleared off the line by Ashley Cole. How many times have we seen him do that in his career?

2.23pm:

82 min: West Ham have turned down the hear to a low simmer rather than the boiling fury they displayed at the start of the half. Chelsea are starting to gain a foothold and the hosts will have to be careful in the closing stages.

2.20pm:

79 min: Moses is off for Marin. "I have a theory about why Torres isn't as effective for Chelsea as he was for Liverpool - he simply doesn't care for the club, every thing he does is half hearted," says Alistair. "I also think that there is something in his head that relishes playing for a club that lives in the shadow of rival clubs, Atletico had Real, Liverpool had Manchester United, who do Chelsea have?" West Ham?

2.17pm:

76 min: Corner for West Ham, Reid is unmarked but his header doesn't have enough power to trouble Cech. Carlton Cole has been excellent today, buzzing around defenders and tracking back to defend too.

2.14pm:

73 min: Jaaskelainen throws it straight to Hazard who attempts a lob but it's off target. Oscar is warming up on the sidlines. Or cooling down as he's taken off his nice warm puffa jacket. He replaces Hazard of wayward chip fame. "Do you think Nando's making meal of his chances? I'll get my coat (and collect my 10% for the advertising)," says Mark Judd. It was a peri-peri poor miss from him a few minutes ago. I'll get my coat and join you once the match is done. Hey! We could grab some chicken.

2.11pm:

70 min: Cries for a penalty as Jarvis goes down in the box but it was a good challenge. "Can we conduct a poll of Chelsea supporters to see how many of them felt a pang of pleasure when West Ham scored?" asks Ian Copestake. There did seem to be a lot of noise coming from the away end when West Ham scored.

2.08pm:

67 min: Wow! That goal has stung Chelsea into life. Mata takes the free-kick from around 25 yards out. It smacks Jaaskelainen's left-hand post with the keeper completely beaten.

2.06pm:

65 min: Chelsea nearly retake the lead. Hazard forces the save and the ball comes out to Torres. His shot is blocked again though. Poor old Nando.

2.05pm:

GOAL!!!!! West Ham 1-1 Chelsea (Carlton Cole 62)

Cole nods in his first of the season. It's a high, looping ball into he box. Cole climbs on Ivanovic and heads into the net. It looked a little like a foul to me but it's no more than West Ham deserve.

2.02pm:

60 min: Chelsea play it about in midfield as they try and quell West Ham's fire - the hosts have had 60% of possession in the second half. "Appreciate your defense of Torres, but, uh, there's a little detail here I just wanted to mention: Chelsea scored? For the first time in three games? I'm no expert, but isn't that kind of THE ideal in this situation," says Kit Baker. "I understand what you're saying, that Torres scoring would silence the doubters. But maybe that just reinforces this unfortunate and frankly idiotic Torres narrative."

1.58pm:

57 min: Ah good. Cahill is able to continue, although his nose may be a more interesting shape for the foreseeable future. West Ham are firmly in the ascendency and the crowd are responding - there's a good noise around the ground now. Ivanovic lunges to deflect a Noble shot.

1.56pm:

54 min: We've barely been outside the Chelsea area since the start of the half. Another good cross from Taylor causes problems. It ends with Cahill's nose getting in the way of Carlton Cole's boot. Not a nice place to be and he's getting treatment as I type.

1.52pm:

51 min: Taylor's cross wins a corner. Technically it's West Ham who win the corner but Taylor and Diame have improved West Ham already, the latter then wins another corner. Cech is eventually fouled though. It actually looked like Nolan was fouled too.

1.50pm:

49 min: Taylor plays in Jarvis, his cross loops onto Carlton Cole's forehead but he arrives a fraction too late and can't control the header. "Has Torres been doing his pointless backheel of the ball into defenders' shins when he fears holding up the ball will result in some form of physical contact," asks Carl Whinder. "Or perhaps that annoying pirouette thing which he appears to hope will distract us from his wimping out of any sort of physical contact in the box as a cross comes in?" I like the one where he runs to the corner flag with a dead determined look on his face. It makes him look likes he's trying while getting as far away from goal as possible.

1.47pm:

46 min: West Ham get a tad more aggressive: Diame and Taylor are on for O'Neil and Tomkins. "Wow, those crazy cats over at North Korea have confirmed the existence of a unicorn lair," says Mat Dony. "That's right up there with a battalion of flying pigs as an indicator that Torres is going to score a second half hat-trick. You heard it here first!" The thing I like the most about the story is that when they found the lair it had "Unicorn Lair" written on the front.

1.36pm:

Half-time emails "Over here in this part of the New World I don't like these Saturday lunch time kick offs. 7.45 in the AM is not lunch time," says Richard Johnson. "So anyway, now that I'm up, did I miss anything unusual?" A goal from a Rafa Benítez side?

"Carlton Cole makes Andy Carroll look like the spawn of a devil's three-way between Ibrahimovic, Messi and a female ninja," says Matthew Storrow. Who sadly doesn't enclose an artist's impression of said congress.

"When I was at school, students who were rubbish at PE were always absent on the day, had a convenient sickness five minutes before the lesson or had a note from their parents to say they couldn't do PE," says Ciaran McGowan. "I think Torres should look into these strategies to avoid further embarrassment."

1.32pm:

45 min+1: West Ham's best spell of the half came in the final minute or so. Chelsea dominated the rest of the time, and played some attractive football. 

1.31pm:

45 min: Cech is booked. He rushes to the edge of the area to cut out a punt forward from West Ham. Cahill has it covered but the keeper clatters Jarvis anyway (just outside the box). I am guessing he didn't get a red because Cahill was back to help out. Anyway, free-kick on the edge of the area for West Ham. Collins takes, his free-kick deflects up in the air and Jarvis meets it with a powerful header that Cech tips over the bar.

1.26pm:

42 min: More good work from Moses, he turns a couple of defenders leaving Demel on the floor and finds Mata. He has two shots, blocked by Jaaskelainen and Tomkins respectively. Great keeping/defending but Mata should have scored.

1.25pm:

40 min: West Ham corner. Tomkins wins the header, Mikel blocks and Azpilicueta's flying lunge saves the corner. That man really doesn't like conceding corners. He can repel a corner from two miles away with a single glance. His passing isn't quite as good and his through ball to Hazard is cut out by Reid.

1.22pm:

37 min: Nolan may have some residual ill feeling about that disallowed goal. Cech claims a cross and Nolan shoves him to the floor. He gives Cech a wee pat on his scrum helmet though and everyone's friends again. Phew.

1.20pm:

35 min: Jarvis - West Ham's best player so far - twists and turns and plays a ball into the box. Collins nods down and Nolan's overhead kick beats Cech. Martin Atkinson disallows the goal though - Collins gave Ivanovic the slightest of shoves as they went for the ball.

1.18pm:

33 min: Demel decides to head out for a corner under no particular pressure. West Ham do clear ... kind of ... but the ball eventually comes out to Hazard and his rasping, sipping shot only just clears the bar.

1.15pm:

30 min: Moses is enjoying himself. He controls a high ball on the edge of the area and attempts a lovely chip into Mata. It doesn't quite work but shows his team's performance so far has given him enough confidence to experiment. "Rafa should learn from recent history," cries Pete Mendson. "Winning hearts and minds in hostile territory doesn't work. He needs a massive troop surge. Sticking some heavily armed marines - with artillery back-up - in the middle of the Chelsea crowd should stop any dissenting voices."

1.11pm:

27 min: Azpilicueta and Jarvis resume their battle down the left. The West Ham player comes out on top this time and wins a free kick, it's dangerous too and Reid finds himself with the ball a few yards out. He has his back to goal though and can't twist in time to get a shot on target. Chelsea counter and Torres's shot is greeted with ironic cheers before it even leaves his foot. They're accurate ironic cheers too: the ball sails over the bar.

1.08pm:

24 min: Chelsea have been by far the better side since taking the lead. They win a corner and Cole helps out at the back to head clear. Chelsea keep coming though and work it across their midfield. The move breaks down when Cahill steps forward and misplaces his pass.

1.05pm:

21 min:Hazard is bundled over by Noble and Chelsea have a free-kick to the right of the box, about 25 yards out. Mata takes, but it's straight into Jaaskelainen's arms. Chelsea then intercept but Ramires's pass misses Victor Moses as he charges into the box.

1.03pm:

18 min: Cech is pulling out all the tricks. Minutes after turning Cole, he dummies a free kick. Maybe this is the creativity Chelsea fans want from Rafa. "I think Rafa should play himself up every game," says Craig Downey. "He'll still be an improvement on Nando thus endearing himself to Chelsea fans." In Torres's defence it was a nice pull back for Mata's goal. Although ideally it would have been Mata setting up Torres rather than the other way round.

1.00pm:

15 min: That was Chelsea's first meaningful attack of the match but it was beautifully constructed by Chelsea. Mata's finish was great but it was started with a lovely run and pass by Moses. Rafa just got a little more popular. A little.

12.58pm:

GOAL!!!!! West Ham 0-1 Chelsea (Mata 12)

Moses picks out Torres, who gallops into the box and cuts it back to Mata who side-foots into the net. "Great article by your colleague Jacob Steinberg on West Ham and Antisemitism the other day (I'm glad my team, the Glorious Glasgow Rangers, has no such problems with dodgy chanting)," says Ryan Dunne. "Having a free Saturday, I have a dillemma; would it be cooler and more lady-impressing to haunt the MBM or read my freshly-arrived copy of this? " I'd do a MBM of your reading of said tome.

12.55pm:

10 min:Jarvis has been having a good battle with [copy and paste] Azpilicueta down the left. The defender has tracked him successfully so far. "I think the point Chelsea fans are missing is that neither Roman or Rafa aren't looking to win over fans," says hdburton3rd. "Rafa has only 1 directive from Roman, salvage Fernando Torres in 8 months. That's it. RDM was never Roman's choice and only started the season as manager thanks to some poor penalty taking by Bayern. Chelsea fans are slowly starting to learn that this is the deal they made with the devil when Roman took over. Guaranteed funds, Champions League Appearances, and challenging for the title every year at the price of losing the (plastic) soul of the club."

12.52pm:

8 min: Torres has a good record against West Ham, and has scored six goals in six Premier League appearances against them, more than against any other top-flight opponents. A nice through ball nearly plays in a team-mate but it's cut out by a West Ham boot.

12.51pm:

5 min: Evenly matched at the moment. Demel swings a ball into the box but it swings past everyone and into the stands. Carlton Cole's first contribution is a good once, releasing Jarvis who eventually wins a corner. Cech punches clear.

12.48pm:

3 min: Chelsea win a corner after good work from Torres. It's taken short but the visitors can't get a dangerous ball into the box. Or near the box. Ivanovic nearly gives away the ball in a dangerous position deep inside his own half but manages to recover.

12.45pm:

1 min: The bubbles have been blown and we're off. "I've got a radical plan to win Rafa some friends Tom," start Mark Moses. "He could get his team to mount more than 0.00004 attacks on the opposition goal every match."

"How close are you to your first goal?" Rafa is asked in the Sky pre-match interview. Other managers are asked how close they are to the title/cup/solving the mysteries of time travel. Poor old Rafa is asked how close he is to scoring a solitary goal. Jamie Redknapp is asked what kind of game it will be. "A good game," says Jamie. Hooray! That's the best type of game.

12.36pm:

A problem solved.

“Everyone's worrying about how Rafa can become popular at Chelsea,” says Rich Pullin. Well, not everyone Rich, I think some people are quite happy to keep abusing him but do go on. “Why doesn't he just the fans round to his house to play on his computer. It worked for me at school?” I disagree the only way to take on bullies is confront them. He should find the largest skinhead in the crowd and punch him at the first sign of abuse. They'll leave him alone after that. Once they've stopped kicking him.

12.06pm:

Team news

West Ham United: Jaaskelainen, Reid, Collins, Demel, Tomkins, O'Brien, Noble, Nolan, O'Neil, Jarvis, Cole.

Chelsea: Cech, Ivanovic, Cahill, Azpilicueta, Cole, Mikel, Ramires, Hazard, Mata, Moses, Torres.

11.53am:

Preamble

Finding it hard to relax after a hard week at work? Then worry no longer because along come semi-mobile slumber generators Sam Allardyce and Rafael Benítez to lull us to sleep with their own brand of no-frills (or thrills) football. This one has got draw written all over it: West Ham are tough to beat at home this season, while Chelsea don't really do wins or losses under Benítez.

Not that it's all bad news, part one: there's plenty of bad feeling to feed on in this game. West Ham and Chelsea fans have never been fond of each other, Chelsea fans aren't fond of their own manager and the two men in charge don't get on too well either. Here's Allardyce on Benítez. “You can’t get on with everyone in football but my reasons for that stay private,” he started yesterday before ignoring the privacy stuff and getting stuck in anyway. He has been disrespectful to me but it was a long time ago. It’s one of those things — we can’t all get on, can we?”

Not that it's all bad news, part two: Carlton Cole is back! He's in for the injured Andy Carroll while Mark Noble returns for suspension. For Chelsea, Oscar drops to the bench while Juan Mata and Victor Moses are recalled. Gary Cahill makes his first start for Rafa, replacing David Luiz, who is on a one-match ban.