Not much to be gleaned from that; Rosicky played well in the first half, Giroud finished well, and of the younger players who came on for the second, Zelalem looked the most likely.

Otherwise, thanks about us - thanks for you company and contributions. Bye.

FULL-TIME: VIETNAM 1-7 ARSENAL

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90+2 min Often, a team will be reduced to ten men and suddenly grow into the game. well, Vietnam have done just that, fashioning a shooting opportunity from just outside the box, a swerving effort whistling just over the top.

Red card! Vietnam keeper Ngoc sent off!

Wilshere was sent dashing in behind the defence, and the keeper charged out to charge into his path, the ball nicking his hand as Wilshere lifted it over him. Disgraceful.

89 min Vietnam conjure some space just outside the box and have an overload on the right, but the pass for them is scooped, and by the time it comes down, Arsenal have men in place to clutter and clear.

86 min Hung replaces Vinh, which I think makes it 54,094 changes. Luckily, we've all been watching Marty McFly for them.

85 min Walcott misses again. Found in bare space by Eisfeld, on the right of the box, he outswings one hard and high. There's now thunder.

84 min This is some pretty rain, we're told, whatever rain is.

83 min It's started raining, so those in the crowd not under cover are seeking it. You just can't rely on those Vietnamese summers.

81 min "8-7, we're gonna win 8-7" is no doubt being sung in the stands, as everyone corpses with painful mirth, and Martinez is forced to plunge low to his left to beat out a cross-shot.

Vietnam break down the right, and suddenly, Arsenal are undermanned inside their box. The winger looks up and instead of drilling a cross, cuts back for Dung, who falls into a shot that takes his foot under the ball and accidentally sweeps it over the head of Martinez. He celebrates with due ecstasy, and is booked for taking off his shirt.

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GOAL! Vietnam 1-7 Arsenal (Dung)

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78 min It's taken a while, but Stewart Robson has inserted a dig at Arsene Wenger.

Eisfeld is set free inside the box on the left, and racing around the back, he delays a cross until Miquel arrives. And when the ball is cut back into his stride, he drives a low shot across goal, Akpom letting it through his legs, and it finds the far corner. A special moment.

GOAL! Vietnam 0-7 Arsenal (Miquel, 75)

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73 min Walcott again zips into space behind the defence, and when he's found, the keeper leaves him a space at the near post, so he zetzes a shot in that direction. But perhaps it was a hustle, because who should fling himself into the shot? None other than the aforementioned keeper, pranging the ball to safety.

71 min Szczesny goes off, and Martinez comes on. Szczesny, obviously, doesn't go quietly, patting various behinds. Also off are Sagna and Jenkinson, and Aneke and Olsson coming on. Oh, and Miyaichi, who must be injured. Isfield comes on.

69 min A Mexican wave is underway as the camera speeds around alongside - which induces grater nausea is hard to say. A cross then forces Metersacker to head clear - it appears he also came on at half-time. Perhaps he did so very slowly, thus avoiding detection.

68 min Possession football from Vietnam. The crowd go wild.

66 min Oxlade-Chamberlain departs, replaced by Jack Wilshere.

65 min "Don't forget Jeremy Goss," implores Alex Kouzarides, "born in Oekolia, Cyprus. Naturally."

Likewise, Richard Gough, born Stockholm, and Pat van den Hauwe, born Dendermonde.

63 min Jenkinson wriggles away down the right and is aggravated when there's no one there to meet his cross. But Vietnam can't clear the ball, which eventually finds its way to Akpom, on the left of the box. He again opens his body, removes some organs, and tries to curl a finish in at the far post, but a defender deflects clear.

62 min Arsenal again find space in behind Vietnam, this time for Walcott. But the keeper is out sharply and smothers his effort to nip the ball over his dive.

Zelalem, who, apparently, might be good, plays a lovely reverse ball from central to right, inside the full-back, and Oxlade-Chamberlain races onto it. He squares as Akpom arrives, to stab the ball into the net with the outside of his right boot.

GOAL! Vietnam 0-6 Arsenal (Akpom, 59)

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59 min "Similar to England playing San Marino, how does Arsenal clobbering Vietnam help them grow the game?" wonders Daniel Karell. I don't think Arsenal have the remotest interest in growing anything but the club's bank balance.

Ramsey darts forward, left side, and as defenders converge, prods a ball in behind them for Akom. He looks exceptionally offside, but there's no flag, and as a defender lurches at him, he checks back, the ball now on his right foot, and this time he does manage an Henry into the far corner.

GOAL! Vietnam 0-5 Arsenal (Akpom, 56)

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56 min The game has reverted to its first half pattern of not doing anything much. This gives us the opportunity to introspect.

54 min Vietnam make their ninth change, which ought to change the flow of the game.

52 min Miyaichi is also on, and is almost sent through on goal by Walcott, overlapping outside him, to his left. But the pass is slightly behind him, and he's crowded out.

50 min Stewart Robson, born Billericay. Which other Panini players were known for their place of birth? Kevin Sheedy - Builth Wells, Bryan Robson-Chester-le-Street, Mark Hughes-Wrexham, Alan Hansen - Alloa.

49 min Arsenal, it turns out, have also made a raft of changes. Akpom is on for Giroud and so is Mikel. And Akpom misses a good chance to score, a ball played into space behind a defence that has maintained a very high line, and opening his body to curl into the far corner, he instead rolls into the keeper's diving body.

This is another very nice finish. Walcott , drifting into space on the right, rolled into his path and he arrived at the edge of the box, and he turned it high into the net, towards the far corner. There was a hint of ankle, but still, very well controlled.

GOAL! Vietnam 0-4 Arsenal (Oxlade-Chamberlain, 46)

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46 min And here we go. Walcott, Ramsey and Zelalem are on for Arsenal...

Substitutions. Vietnam have made eight of them, but luckily for us, since we had not the remotest notion of their team from the start, it makes no difference whatsoever. Us!

Half-time email. And it's another worried Arsenal fan - Timothy Gibbs, to be precise. "With the French Alan Smith getting 3 against this mighty Vietnam side, we definitely aren’t getting another striker are we? Where are the Christopher Wrehs, Luis Boa Mortes and Sylvain Wiltords when you need them?"

Absurd to think that there was once a time when Alan Smith was the league's leading scorer. Here's a hat-trick of his to pass the time until our next portion of thrill.

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Half-time: Vietnam 0-3 Arsenal

Well, Arsenal haven't played well at all, but Olivier Giroud's finishing has been very good, especially for his second and third goals. We'll all remember where we were.

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Oxlade-Chamberlain, who's been quiet, suddenly injects some pace, and moves away from his man inside the Vietnam half and advances. He then slips a pass down the side of the centre-back, to meet the run of Giroud, and the keeper dashes out and down, inviting Giroud to stub his toe into a chipped finish that completes his hat-trick. Who needs Rooney, Suarez or Higuain?

GOAL! Vietnam 0-3 Arsenal (Giroud 45+1)

...

A cross from the left is headed cleare ineffectively, dropping at the edge of the box, almost dead centre. Retreating to make room for the shot, Giroud wraps his left foot around the ball and spanks a light curler into the top left corner.

GOAL! Vietnam 0-2 Arsenal (Giroud, 44)

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41 min Arsenal almost score again. Rosicky, moving right to left, scoops a lovely ball over the top for Podolski, who steadies himself before slamming a low shot across the keeper, which canons the post. It rebounds to Oxlade-Chamberlain, arriving at the edge of the box, who has time and space, so shoots first-time, straight at the keeper.

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40 min The Arsenal players are squabbling amongst themselves, as you'd expect. Think long, boring car journeys as a child.

38 min Arsenal win a free-kick perhaps 25 yards from goal and almost dead centre. Mikel Arteta, who I reckon has the Premier League's dinkiest feet, curls sufficiently over the bar for the keeper not to mither about moving.

36 min Vietnam suddenly inject some pace, moving off the right and sliding a ball into space behind the Arsenal back four. For a moment, the centre-forward steals a yard and gets ahead of Sagna, who comes back well to tackle and clear.

35 min Lukas Podolski, then: I'm not sure I get it. Not rubbish, but no more than a useful replacement in a team hoping to challenge for titles and stuff.

33 min Arsenal are the first British team to play in Vietnam, apparently. Do they award a trophy for that?

31 min Gnabry, who is big Beano fan, drives a low cross in from the right, and it's cleared. Football, you do spoil us.

28 min Oooh, classic Arsenal. Podolski takes possession inside the Vietnam box, left side, and fiddles himself some space with nifty footwork. In front of goal, and with no defender in the same gravitational field, he obviously rolled a square ball to Sylvan Wiltord, who tapped in a patch of grass.

27 min Just coming home from watching NSW lose their 8th State of Origin series in a row," laments Jeremy Spinks. "Ryan Giggs was there and received a resounding jeer from the crowd. Not sure why, but as an Arsenal fan I thoroughly approved. The only other thing of note was a streaker running the entire length of the ground before falling over in the middle of play as Queensland were attacking. What's the furthest you've seen a streaker make it?"

I couldn't possibly comment. Thing with streakers is that they're never trying to get anywhere - success is measure more in terms of time (and metres).

25 min Rosicky feeds Giroud, who hovers forward looking dead in control, and stabs a pass wide to Gibbs. He cuts infield and chips a cross to a loitering defender and another scintillation is prematurely extinguished. Life, why do you laugh at us so?

23 min Some passing, some bad passing, some running.

21 min Gibbs, in the course of being teased and tantalised by his marker, overstretches both legs and appears to have perpetrated a mischief to his back.

Meanwhile, Steven Pye is here. "Why do I get the horrible feeling that Giroud's goals in pre-season against weak opposition will trick Arsene into thinking that we don't need a new striker?" 

If that were to happen, the answer would be almunia*, but I don't think it will. The question is whether he can sign the right one, or rather whether the right one will come to Arsenal, because a formation with one bloke up front only tends to work if he's really good.

*a recent entry in the dictionary, and a synonym for stubbornness

19 min Something happens. Gnabry takes the ball from Jenkinson down the right, pauses and continues, checks back inside, pauses, and digs out a cross for Giroud in the middle. He heads over the top, and will be cursing his profligacy, because that was a good chance. Wenger out.

18 min There is so little happening on the pitch that no metaphor will do it justice.

17 min Why, when building football grounds, tdo they now leave huge gaps between goal and stand? Not that they've got that here - there's a running track instead - but it inspired me to think existentially.

16 min Rosicky is Arsenal's busiest player so far, roaming across the width of the pitch, but their general passing isn't really causing Vietnam any problems.

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14 min Grampus Eight are now called Nagoya Grampus. More news as I get it. On the pitch, Vietnam are doing well until they reach the final third, but are unsure what to do at precisely that point.

13 min The best thing about pre-season friendlies: generally, the players hate them.

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9 min Arsenal find Giroud in space, 25 yards from goal, left of centre, and he takes one quick look before wiping his laces across the face of the ball, sending it speeding only just past the far post. I wonder how much footbal he'll get this season, because if Arsenal do eventually sign a striker, it'll be his position under threat.

8 min Vietnam are right back into their stride, passing and moving well, but this time, Sagna wins his tackle and finds Podolski, who launches an attack that comes to nothing. Ok, I admit it, "launch" and "attack" are both strong.

This is a really nice goal, and comes in Arsenal's first attack of the game. Rosicky, wide on the left but not quite on the touchline, lifted a ball into the inside-left channel for Giroud, ahead of the defender. Waiting for it to come down, he shot across the keeper and into the far corner, via the keeper's elbow. What a team!

4 min Sagna, playing at centre-back, is twisted and turned and the ball lofted to the left, where the cross came to nothing.

3 min Theo Walcott isn't playing, hence the absence of mythical figures - refunds via your local MP. Vietnam break down the right, past Gibbs, and Arsenal do well to be awarded an erroneous free-kick for offside.

2 min Arsene Wenger and Steve Bould are sitting next to one another, almost drowning in subtext.

1 min Hit's hot hand humid hin Hanoi, he hsaid halliteratively.

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1 min And we're off!

Credit where due department. Arsenal's new away jersey is smart. And if you're quick, with every purchase you get a free baseball hat, designed - wait for it - by the Carl Jenkinson. Very modern of Arsenal, that - supplying careers advice.

Teams. Well, team.

Arsenal: Szczesny; Jenkinson, Koscielny, Sagna, Gibbs; Arteta, Gnabry; Oxlade-Chamberlain, Rosicky, Podolski; Giroud.

But what does it all mean? Nothing.

Vietnam team when I have it. For now, they're doing formalities and flowers.

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The camera is panning round and round the stadium. If we weren't dizzy and giddy before, we are now.

"So, Arsene, why on earth would I sign for Arsenal?"

"Well, we got 25,000 coming to watch us train in Vietnam."

We have pictures! We have Stewart Robson¡ I know that's not the opposite of an exclamation mark, but it's all I've got. 

2 min Slowness.

ESPN appear not to have their promised football. Accordingly, let's guess.

1 min Theo Walcott poses, runs around, falls over, then poses.

"Our attempted ‘bids’ this summer remind me of the press conference at which Wenger was asked whether he had offered £4m for the £8m-rated Gary Cahill," reminds Norrie Hernon. ‘No, I have not,’ he replied. ‘Have you offered £2m?’ came the shout from a wag at the back of the room. Plus ca change… and all that."

I was more than a little surprised by the offer for Suarez, I must say. He's good and all, but, well, you know.

The things to which sport can drive us. Watching Vietnam against Arsenal on a beautiful summer's day, for example. In England, a country that quit summers seven seasons years ago. To what has sport driven you?

Team news: when I can find it. Seat of the pants, me.

Poor old Arsenal. Just when they knew that the football world would be all of a tizzy with their audacious bids for players they don't buy, it isn't. D'arsenal! Luckily, they have this game against Vietnam through which to wrest control of the narrative once more, and Theo Walcott's playing, so there should be plenty of dragons and knights and stuff.

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