Vicious boos sound around White Hart Lane. Oh dear. Mutiny in the camp! But Tottenham will argue they were unlucky, denied a point at least by Tim Krul's extraordinary heroics. That said, they didn't play especially well and though they should have scored, they do not look to have much of a clue in attack at the moment. As for Newcastle, they move up to ninth, Loic Remy's early goal enough for the win. They defended well, Krul was outstanding and they've just gone and won successive games against Chelsea and Tottenham, keeping two clean sheets in the process. Huh.
Full-time: Tottenham 0-1 Newcastle
That's your lot!
90 min+4: Michael Dawson is playing up front, Andre Villas-Boas's Robert Huth moment.
90 min+2: Vertonghen crosses; Paulinho heads; Krul saves.
90 min: There will be five minutes of stoppage time.
89 min: Eriksen's free-kick is punched clear by Krul and Newcastle counter, Dawson booting Sissoko up into the air on the left. He's booked.
88 min: It's defence v attack now. Vertonghen's piledriver is blocked by Tiote. Then Debuchy brings down Soldado on the left.
87 min: That Vertonghen header looked like it was saved by Krul, but replays seemed to show it hit the bar.
85 min: Gabriel Obertan replaces Yoann Gouffran.
84 min: Sandro's looping volley is deflected wide for a corner on the left. Eriksen sends it to the far post. Vertonghen heads powerfully - and against the bar! Paulinho's follow-up volley is deflected to safety. This isn't Tottenham's day, is it.
81 min: Tim Krul will not be beaten today. Townsend dashes down the right and his cross comes to Defoe, who has his back to goal. He does well to lay it off to Eriksen, who in turn finds Paulinho, whose instinctive stabbed shot from 12 yards out is saved by Krul. Then Vertonghen has a pop from the edge of the area. It's, yes, saved.
78 min: Oof. Cabaye pings a ball from left to right, towards Cisse, who had peeled away from his marker. He let the ball drop over his body before crashing a volley not miles off target.
77 min: You know, as good as Krul has been, Tottenham have only really created one proper chance, Eriksen's early in the second half. The rest have been from set-pieces, long range or opportunistic half-chances.
75 min: Newcastle make their second change, their goalscorer, Loic Remy, replaced by Papiss Cisse. A like-for-like change, in that they're both strikers - but Cisse hasn't scored a league goal in 15 matches.
74 min: It's gone a bit scrappy in the last 15 minutes, Tottenham unable to find any fluency. Passes are going astray and nerves are becoming frayed.
73 min: "The Townsend backlash has already started," says John Punter. "Read any Spurs blog and you'll read reams and reams of it. Best line yet has been we should play him in an England shirt..."
71 min: But this is a better effort from Townsend. He drifts infield and finds some space just outside the area, pinging a low left-footer towards the bottom-left corner, only for Krul to push it to safety. There wasn't quite enough pace on the shot.
70 min: Townsend shoots miles wide from 25 yards and gets an earful from the Tottenham fans as a result.
69 min: Jermain Defoe replaces Gylfi Sigurdsson. He gets a handshake from Alan Pardew before he walks on. Mind games. Tottenham have used up their subs today, so we'll not be seeing Erik Lamela.
67 min: When can we start the Townsend backlash? He's had his 15 minutes.
65 min: It's coming. Vertonghen crosses from the flight and Debuchy slashes clumsily over his own bar. That could have gone anywhere (albeit within the confines of the stadium). The corner is a waste of time.
64 min: Some indecision in the Newcastle defence and midfield leads to Sigurdsson pouncing on a loose clearance from Williamson, but blazing well over from the edge of the area. Tottenham attack again, though, and when your luck's in, it's in. Townsend breaks clear and shoots from the right. Krul makes a three-course meal out of it, parrying the ball up into the air, but Soldado plonks his header straight at the Newcastle keeper.
62 min: "Tottenham enjoying some Krul luck (bet you've not heard that one before) in front of goal today, but you've got to make your own luck sometimes, no?" says Simon McMahon. "Take last night at my house for instance. I ran out of beer just after midnight but did I sit there feeling sorry for myself? No, I got off my backside and opened a bottle of Baileys. I made things happen. Spurs take note."
You think that's bad? I fell asleep at 10pm and missed Match of the Day.
61 min: Vertonghen is brought down by Sissoko, cynically enough to earn a booking. He makes a show of annoyance - ON TODAY OF ALL DAYS AS WELL.
60 min: Newcastle make their first change, Vurnon Anita replacing Shola Ameobi. A midfielder for a striker and a nod to Tottenham's dominance since half-time.
58 min: Just taking a moment to think about that save from Tim Krul again. My word!
57 min: Newcastle look to stem the Tottenham tide with an attack of their own, Sissoko hustling and bustling down the right flank with a powerful run that takes him past one defender, before he engages in a race and battle of strength with Vertonghen. He wins it, Vertonghen electing not to pull down his shorts, and then cracks a low drive towards goal from a tight angle on the right. Friedel parries it behind.
55 min: Newcastle are coming under the severest of coshes now and it's all because Tottenham are attacking them at pace. Townsend darts down the right and cuts it back to Soldado, whose shot is deflected wide.
53 min: Incredible! Incredible! Just incredible! I cannot believe Tottenham have not scored! Incredible! Sigurdsson took the free-kick. It wasn't great, intended for the left corner. Instead it hit the wall and took a massive change of direction towards the middle of the goal. Krul had already committed to his dive but somehow - somehow - he managed to spring back the other way to push the ball back into the six-yard box, before getting up to block Kaboul's rebound from close range, Yanga-Mbiwa completing the clearance by hooking it behind. Wow.
52 min: Paulinho diddles his way through the yellow shirts and he's brought just outside the D by Debuchy, who will miss Newcastle's next match against Norwich after being booked.
50 min: Tim Krul spares Davide Santon's blushes with a magnificent save! The left-back took a chance in his own half, dawdling on the ball with Townsend closing in. Sure enough, he lost it and Townsend charged off down the right before cutting the ball into the middle of the area, where Eriksen was totally in the clear, around 12 yards out. He might have shot first time, I was already shouting GOAL!, but instead he took a touch and tried to stroke the ball into the bottom-right corner, only for Krul to stick out a foot and save, the ball eventually booted behind for a corner. That's cleared but Tottenham come back for more, Sandro drilling wide from 20 yards.
48 min: Sigurdsson breaks down the left and his deflected cross falls nicely to Eriksen, but Debuchy recovers to concede a corner, which Krul claims. White Hart Lane is really quiet. Not sure if you can blame the Spurs fans. Spurs have been fairly dire.
47 min: Loic Remy's first offside of the second half. Just to get it out of the way.
46 min: Tottenham have made two half-time changes. Vlad Chiriches is off after having his facial features rearranged and Younes Kaboul is on, while Sandro replaces Mousa Dembele, who spent much of the first half having a nice snooze.
Half-time: Tottenham 0-1 Newcastle
Chris Foy trills his whistle and Newcastle have a deserved 1-0 lead thanks to Loic Remy's early goal. They just need Tim Krul not to throw one in to avoid going the way of West Ham at Norwich yesterday.
45 min+3: Chiriches walks off with a bloody nose. Been there. He's gone off down the tunnel so Tottenham will play the remainder of this half with 10 men.
45 min+2: Sleepy.
45 min+1: Chiriches heads the corner well wide and gets a bang on the face too for good measure.
45 min: Paulinho's burst down the right results in a corner for Tottenham. We'll have three minutes of the added stuff.
44 min: "Can somebody please let me know when AVB discards using inverted wingers so I can start watching Spurs again?" says Alex Ritchie. Indeed. Tottenham have no real width, even though Townsend is playing. Lennon's ability to attack down the outside might make more sense.
42 min: This is better from Tottenham. The ball is rolled from the right to Paulinho, waiting in the D. From a standing start, he curls a magnificent first-time shot towards the top-left corner, Krul again leaping to Newcastle's rescue. Tottenham haven't really created anything of note but Krul has still had to make two very good saves to preserve their lead.
39 min: Newcastle have the ball in the Tottenham net for a second time, but the flag is up for offside against Shola Ameobi. He was a yard too far after running on to Cabaye's dainty pass through and rounding Friedel in the Remy style. But it's another encouraging moment for Newcastle, who are making sure to have plenty of encouraging moments when they get forward.
38 min: A loose ball breaks to Eriksen, around 25 yards, and though his shot was straight at Krul, it was too hot to catch. He pats it down but reacts quickly to pounce on the rebound before Soldado.
36 min: The Tottenham fans are getting edgy. Villas-Boas is already preparing his telling off.
35 min: Tottenham could do with injecting a bit of pace into their passing. It' so very S-L-O-W and that's no good.
32 min: A little gingerly, Remy jogs back on.
31 min: Now Remy is down injured after a subsequent challenge. What a half-hour he's had.
30 min: What a save from Tim Krul. Roberto Soldado hardly could have done more to equalise for Tottenham. Eriksen curled a free-kick into the Newcastle area from the left and Soldado rose highest to glance a header towards the top-right corner, only for Krul to acrobatically push it wide. It was so close to looping over him. From the corner, he pushes the ball up in the air and Remy bundles Soldado over, the Tottenham fans appealing in vain for a penalty.
29 min: "That photo that's leading the MBM - Sol Campbell, Darren Anderton and...Tim Sherwood?" says Michael Nelson. "Sol's gone God knows where, Darren's...well, probably injured...and Sherwood's still coaching at QPR? But Shola's still ploughing a lone furrow up front for Newcastle...who said loyalty in football was dead..." Are you forgetting his heinous loan spell at Stoke City?
28 min: After lengthy discussions about how best to score, Tottenham unveil their plan: Eriksen taps the ball to Vertonghen and he shoots just wide of the left post with his left foot. Tottenham don't seem to have much of a clue as to how to get behind the Newcastle defence. The Tottenham fans might feel like they've seen this match already this season.
27 min: Newcastle give away another free-kick, this time a bit closer in, but still pretty far away. But Tottenham will shoot anyway.
25 min: Dembele uses his strength to bustle away with the ball in midfield, before finding Vertonghen on the left. He cuts back on to his right foot and has a go from the left side of the area, but it's no bother for Krul.
23 min: Sigurdsson tries to score a free-kick from 35 yards out but does not score.
22 min: Loic Remy's pace is causing problems. He's targeting the lumbering Michael Dawson whenever he can, but this time the flag is up for offside. Villas-Boas might want to think about dropping his defence back five yards or so.
20 min: Newcastle's fans are asking the Tottenham fans whether they might like to do their singing for them. What polite guests they are. It is early on a Sunday, after all.
19 min: "That the combined age of Shola Ameobi and Shaun Wright-Philips is 64 makes me think," says my co-commentator Ian Copestake.
18 min: Tottenham are struggling to defend set-pieces. Cabaye curls the ball into the six-yard box, where Gouffran almost gets his head on the ball, only for Friedel to punch clear. Tottenham counter and Eriksen whips a delightful cross right across the face of goal from the right, not one of his team-mates bothering to dart into the six-yard box for what would have been a simple tap-in.
17 min: White Hart Lane is suddenly rather quiet, save for the giddy Newcastle fans packed into a corner. Their team is playing well. Debuchy romps up the right flank and Dembele concedes a needless free-kick. Cabaye will take it.
15 min: Phew!
GOAL! Tottenham 0-1 Newcastle (Remy, 13 min)
So much for the stingiest defence in the league. Newcastle had sat back in the first 10 minutes but they've sprung into life out of nowhere, attacking intelligently and taking advantage of some sloppiness from Tottenham. They were complacent with the ball in their own half and Gouffran took possession off Paulinho, whose challenge was half-hearted, before sliding it through to Remy. He went round Friedel, to the left, before tapping into the empty net.
12 min: From the resulting corner on the left, Sissoko heads over at the near post. Tottenham are all over the place here!
11 min: Another chance! But this time it's for Newcastle's main man, Loic Remy. What a goal this would have been. From a position that didn't look too threatening on the halfway line on the left, Cabaye curved an absurd pass down the line with the outside of his right boot - think Eric Cantona's pass for Ole Gunnar Solskjaer at West Ham in 1996 - and Remy is in the clear. But he doesn't take an especially good first touch, allowing a combination of Friedel and Chiriches, who was across to cover, to shovel it behind for a corner. Remy should have scored. From the resulting corner, it's cleared and volleyed back in by UNIDENTIFIED NEWCASTLE PLAYER. Friedel is slow to parry and the rebound falls to Cabaye on the left. Friedel turns his rebound behind.
9 min: Chance. Tottenham win a corner on the right and they should score from it. Sigurdsson whips it in and though it flies over Dawson's head, it reaches Soldado, in the clear around 12 yards from goal. He's got a hefty sight of goal, in a central position, but he nuts his free header over the bar.
8 min: Here's Chiriches again, this time popping up in a position high on the left. He's kind of like a Romanian David Luiz, but without the hair and clown shoes. He's being given freedom to roam forward by Newcastle but his cross from the left, having escaped Debuchy, is poor, straight into the gloves of Krul. Once again, though, Soldado was the only Tottenham player in the box.
7 min: Shola Ameobi, up front for Newcastle today, is 32. Does that really make you think? "I'm with Instant Gratification's Ian Copestake, but the last quarter of an NBA basketball game is the worst thing in all of sport," says Mac Millings. "The last two minutes of a close game take about an hour, as they purposely just keep fouling each other - which in basketball looks like a great big hug. It's like a bunch of near-7-foot men playing a game of kiss-cha...Oh. Scratch the above. Best sport ever."
5 min: Tottenham are on the front foot again. Chiriches, who looks so elegant, glides forward and prods a pass through to Vertonghen on the left. Centre-back to left-back, there, but Vertonghen's cross is cleared, Tottenham not getting enough bodies into the box.
4 min: Much like they did against Everton last week, Tottenham are seeing a lot of the ball in these early stages. They're very confident on the ball at the back. Less so in the final third, mind you, and that's where it counts.
2 min: This is a promising start from Tottenham. After some scrappiness in midfield, they click into gear, neat triangles getting them out of the mess on the left. They work the ball around Newcastle, before Paulinho sprays it out to Townsend on the right. He cuts inside, on to his left, and then moves it to Eriksen, who turns a pass behind Santon and through to Walker, whose low cross only finds Krul in the six-yard box. A better cross and that would have been a superb goal.
Peep! Tottenham enjoy an intimidating huddle, thus ensuring Newcastle's defeat, and then they get the game going, kicking from right to left in this first half. They're in white shirts and navy shorts. Newcastle are in yellow shirts and blue shorts. They look like the Arsenal side of 2003-04.
But first, a minute's silence for Remembrance Sunday. Impeccably observed.
And here come the teams. "Come on you Spurs!" bellow the Spurs fans, making sure to get behind their side. It's a bright and sunny day at White Hart Lane, in case you were wondering, which you weren't. "Le Cirque de Nouveau Chateau?" says Gary Naylor. "Well the Geordies do think that this season has been merder to watch. And there's been plenty of pain to go with the cirques."
"I'm actually a bit bored at the prospect of having to wait until May (or this afternoon) to find out who wins the league, so can't we just skip to the end?" says Ian Copestake. "I have the same feeling watching basketball and wonder if a game of one quarter wouldn't be enough."
Andre Villas-Boas on Hugo Lloris's absence: "The medical department advised he still needed a couple of days. We expect him to be back for the play-offs for France."
Alan Pardew on quietening the home crowd: "Well that might be a tactic we use. We might use another tactic."
Ooo! Clever Alan!
"Are there any Geordie saviours left?" says Ian Copestake. "If Ashley had not been a southerner even he might have had some followers among the faithful. But other than putting Seven Bellies in charge I'm not sure there are alot of figures Newcastle fans can rally around." Someone off Geordie Shore?
"I see you've already made your mind up on this game then," cries Richard Slassor. "Have you written your report and skipped away for a nice roast lunch?"
YEAH MATE WROTE IT ALREADY IT FINISHED 0-0 #LOL #EPIC #BANTZ
One red card or one injury to Brad Friedel and we get to see Heurelho Gomes in action. Sunday is starting to look very promising all of a sudden.
The performing artists
Tottenham, minus a certain Hugo Lloris: Friedel; Walker, Chiriches, Dawson, Vertonghen; Paulinho, Dembele; Townsend, Eriksen, Sigurdsson; Soldado. Subs: Gomes, Kaboul, Lennon, Lamela, Holtby, Defoe, Sandro.
Newcastle, unchanged from the win over Chelsea: Krul; Debuchy, Williamson, Yanga-Mbiwa, Santon; Sissoko, Tiote, Cabaye, Gouffran; Shola Ameobi, Remy. Subs: Elliot, Coloccini, Anita, Obertan, Sammy Ameobi, Ben Arfa, Cisse.
Referee: Tottenham favourite Chris
Boring, boring Tottenham Hotspur! The Spurs are a full 10 matches into their league season and even though they're sitting pretty in sixth, with victory today likely to send them third, so far they've treated their grumbling fans to a paltry nine goals, a positively West Hamian state of affairs. Luckily they've also got the stingiest defence in the league, along with those soaring Saints, with only five goals conceded, but it's not been especially thrilling down the Lane this season. What is this, we're left to wonder, a pithy take on George Graham's Arsenal?
Answer: no, it is not a pithy take on George Graham's Arsenal. Instead it's Andre Villas-Boas's Tottenham in all its glory. It's been a strange start to the season, really. Tottenham might have lost Gareth Bale but they've also gained Christian Eriksen, Erik Lamela, Paulinho and Roberto Soldado. That's around £100m worth of talent right there, and we haven't even got round to mentioning Sir Andros Townsend yet, so Tottenham's fans could be forgiven for expecting a bit more. Instead, after sitting through some utter dross served up by their side, they've been told to buck their ideas up by Villas-Boas! A reminder of those binary scores in full at White Hart Lane this season, then: 1-0, 2-0, 1-1, 0-3, 1-0. Yawnarama, eh? And they needed dodgy penalties in two of those games. Of course, it's probably also worth pointing out that's an impressive one defeat in five matches, they've got a load of new talent still finding their way in a new country and they've got the joint stingiest defence in the league, with only five goals conceded. So it might be boring at the moment but it's a bit early in the season to be getting too excited either way.
Still, some excitement today would be nice and luckily Le Cirque de Nouveau Chateau is in town. There's always guaranteed yuks and giggles when they're around, Mapou Yanga-Mbiwa being fired out of a cannon, Cheik Tiote and Steven Taylor trying to take a sheet of glass across a busy road with hilarious consequences and a grand piano being dropped on Yoann Gouffran from a great height. Consequently their fans don't know what to think. They've scored 14, they've let in 16. They're 11th, they could go eighth. They lost to Sunderland, they beat Chelsea. They hate Alan Pardew, they like Alan Pardew. They hate Mike Ashley, they ... hate Mike Ashley. They definitely hate Mike Ashley. We're all agreed on that.
Kick-off in the first of three live matches shown by flailing broadcasters Sky Sports: The away-fan friendy time of 12pm. Poor Rupert Murdoch. Won't somebody please think of Poor Rupes!