Full time: Tottenham 1-0 Swansea
Swansea's players crowd around Mike Dean, complaining about not being given enough added time to find the equaliser. They might want to have a look at themselves instead for not managing a single shot on target in the 90 minutes. Tottenham weren't overly impressive but Jan Vertonghen's goal was enough to settle a tight match. They're up to fourth. Thanks for reading. Bye.
90 min+8: Michu is thankfully up again and desperate to get back on the pitch. Swansea are still raging with Mike Dean and Spurs.
90 min+6: It's not an all-out brawl, Flores furious with Spurs for not stopping. Jake Livermore, who's not even playing, is booked.
90 min+5: And Lloris punches it out of the fahkin' mixah. But the ball is lobbed back in, Walker plays Michu onside and Lloris has to rush out of his area to punch the ball clear, taking out Michu in the process. Ouchu. Michu is out cold. But Spurs aren't to know that and they break upfield with Swansea all over the shop and Tremmel has to make another save.
90 min+4: Indecision in the Tottenham area gives Swansea a late corner. It's coming, isn't it? Well, not yet. The corner is dreadful. But Defoe fouls Davies on the left, picking up a booking in the process. Swansea will stick it in the fahkin' mixah.
90 min+3: Scott "Scotty" Parker replaces Mousa "Moussa" Dembele.
90 min: There will be five minutes of stoppage time. Cue groans around White Hart Lane, the Tottenham fans still scarred by the memory of last week's last-gasp defeat to Everton.
89 min: Swansea haven't had a shot on target.
87 min: Swansea are leaving themselves open now. Sigurdsson plays Defoe in behind Flores, but Tremmel does well to block his effort. He should have scored.
86 min: Danny Graham is on for Nathan Dyer.
85 min: Chico Flores is being booed after a ridiculous little incident a few minutes ago, which saw him rolling around as if he'd lost his leg, yelping and crying in pain, before making a full and miraculous recovery in no time. It's a Christmas miracle!
82 min: The free-kick is tapped to Vertonghen, whose effort is deflected just over by Britton.
81 min: Townsend embarks on a lovely, winding run with all the elegance of, say, Andy Townsend doing analysis in the tactics truck and is ruthlessly chopped down in full flight by Flores 30 yards from goal. And that's a yellow card.
80 min: "Yes, there must be a better chant, seeing as he's Belgian and was born in Sint-Niklaas," says Joe Harden.
78 min: "He comes from Amsterdam, he plays for Totten-HAM." There has to be a better chant for Vertonghen than that.
GOAL! Tottenham 1-0 Swansea (Vertonghen, 75 min)
Well they say you should never make a substitution before defending a set-piece. It turns out "they" were right. Walker curls a free-kick into the area from the right and it's glanced to Vertonghen, who slashes a cracking first-time finish into the bottom-right corner on the half-volley. And with his weaker right foot too. What a guy. Tottenham are going fourth and the home fans have woken up, funnily enough.
75 min: Ki is put out of his misery. On comes Luke Moore.
74 min: Andy Townsend is available for after-dinner speeches.
72 min: Andros Townsend, whose parents were obviously having a laugh, replaces the stricken Adebayor. "Maybe he was conceived in the tactics truck," suggests Daniel Harris.
71 min: Emmanuel Adebayor has gone down clutching his hamstring.
70 min: Gylfi Sigurdsson replaces Clint Dempsey. I'd forgotten he was playing.
66 min: Defoe takes a touch with his right and then clips a low left-footer wide of the post from 25 yards out. Spurs are looking rather short on inspiration/Bale at the moment.
65 min: Ki has been absolutely rubbish. He's not rubbish, of course, but everything he's done today has led to Spurs having the ball.
64 min: There has been some really good tackling in this game though, which in a way makes it like the 2003 Champions League final, which I never really thought was that bad for that reason.
63 min: Alternatively Spurs will do their usual, scoring a late goal before conceding a late equaliser.
62 min: A correction to the entry in the 46th minute: the second half is actually stooped over and limping. There's not a great deal going on. It feels like it will be just one goal that settles this.
60 min: Swansea replace Jonathan De Guzman with Kemy Agustien.
59 min: Oh Kyle! Defoe draws a load of defenders towards and for once decides not to shoot, instead rolling it across to Walker who is completely unmarked with a clear sight of goal. He should score - but slips as he shoots, slicing it comically wide.
58 min: "Do you think Wayne Routledge looks at Aaron Lennons career at Spurs ever and thinks "that should have been me?" Both signed for Spurs in the same summer, Routledge after lengthy haggling with Palace about the fee Lennon almost as an afterthought as a promising youngster from Leeds," says John Tunbridge. "Routledge got injured in his first match away at Portsmouth, Lennon took his place and was playing for England almost immediately Routledge spent several seasons injured or out on loan. Only ever played about 5 games for Spurs. I can't see much difference between them in terms of ability."
Nah, Lennon, despite his faults, is a much better player.
56 min: Now De Guzman is booked after a tussle with Dembele. From the resulting free-kick, Vertonghen's looping header is pushed over by Tremmel, who couldn't be sure. The corner comes to nothing.
55 min: Dembele hotfoots it between two Swansea midfielders and thwacks one from distance. It deflects off Adebayor and flies wide, much to the stranded Tremmel's relief.
54 min: Dembele is booked for cynically stopping a Swansea counter-attack against an exposed Tottenham defence by bringing down Michu.
52 min: For the second time in the match, a shot from a Spurs player goes out for a throw-in. Oh dear. This time it's Kyle Naughton. "I overslept this morning and missed the Club World Cup," says JR in Illinois. "Maybe this is a sign that I'm not that bad a person but waking up at 4:30 AM just to root against Chelsea apparently wasn't enough motivation to get me out of bed. Or maybe I'm just not committed enough."
50 min: Adebayor romps through the Swansea midfield, ignores Defoe to his left and hits an awkward-looking bobbler that seems to catch Tremmel by surprise, the keeper slow to get down to push it behind for a corner. Which comes to nothing.
48 min: What a chance for Swansea. Routledge makes a fool out of Gallas on the left and stabs a brilliant cross in with his wrong foot, only for the unmarked Dyer to get his header right in front of goal horribly wrong. Dearie me, that was awful and he knows it. Spurs counter and Williams deflects Defoe's shot behind.
47 min: In a race for a long ball down the right, Walker puts his arm around Routledge's neck and yanks him out the way and then acts surprised when the whistle is blown.
46 min: Let's play ball. Tottenham get the second half up and running.
"Hi jacob, i hope you'll be Celebrating festivus like the rest of us this year," says James Galloway. "I have my aluminium pole and list of grievances to air. which manager do you think will have the longest list of grievances at each club's respective Festivus party? its got to be Wenger really hasn't it?"
Hope I get an invite to the Guardian's Festivus party! That would be really ace!
Half time: Tottenham 0-0 Swansea
And that's enough football for the time being. It's been an entertaining match in patches and Spurs have probably had the better of it, but Swansea have defended well while making sure they carry a threat of their own on the break. As they trot off, Michu and Lloris chuckle about the Spaniard's attempt to embarrass the Frenchman. There was enough of that in the Euros.
45 min: Walker taps a free-kick to Vertonghen, who does not score. There will be one minute of added time.
43 min: "Kyle Walker sets a new standard in ftbllr haircuts by having E Honda's stage shaved into the side of head," says Daniel Harris.
42 min: What impudence from Michu, who spots Lloris off his line and hammers an effort not too far over the bar from 45 yards out!
40 min: And now Swansea go close. They break forward at last and Routledge feeds De Guzman, whose rising drive fizzes inches over the angle of post and bar from the edge of the area. That was close.
39 min: What an effort from Kyle Walker and what an equally fine save from Tremmel! A ball was only cleared as far as Walker, 30 yards out. Instead of more passing, he dispensed with the niceties and GBHs the ball goalwards at around 200 miles an hour. It screeches through the bodies but it's straight down the middle - not that it was an easy save. Tremmel simply had to stand there and almost hope, and in the end stood his ground as the ball crashed off his shoulder and to safety. You will not see a ball struck sweeter than that this season. I'm surprised Tremmel wasn't knocked back by the force of it.
35 min: It's lulling. "Given that any footballer worth his salt will be giving at least 110%, I'd be surprised if possession is anything less than 55-55 by the end of the game," honks Stuart Jenkinson.
34 min: As well as they've played, Tottenham do look like a side more comfortable playing away from home, especially as Gareth Bale's not around this afternoon. Swansea are making it very difficult for Spurs to break through, sitting deep and challenging them to pick the lock. This is where losing Modric hurts them.
32 min: De Guzman scampers down the right and whips in a delicious cross that Routledge is so close to heading home. I assume, anyway. He didn't actually head the ball but let's be generous by assuming he would have scored if he had. It's nice to be nice.
31 min: Phil Brown is commentating on this game on Sky Sports News. I completely understand if you want to follow his take on events instead.
29 min: Swansea have done some very good blocking. Adebayor slips a pass inside Davies to release Walker. Dempsey meets his cross but Williams meets his shot.
26 min: Swansea are in the Tottenham for the first time in what feels like a very long time. "Not sure that I'm comfortable with my mbm provider being a posh boy," says Reid Finlayson. I'm off hunting after this.
25 min: Ah, choices, choices. Aaron Lennon bursts into the Swansea area from the right. He's got a clear sight of goal and instead tries to find Defoe, only to see the pass cut out. That was a moment for selfishness. Still it's getting increasingly desperate in the Swansea area, because Spurs are playing some very nice stuff here and there.
24 min: "The graphic on Sky just showed possession so far is 50-50," says Simon McMahon. "I wouldn't be entirely surprised, given the style of these two sides, if by the end of the game it was 51-51."
21 min: On the touchline, Villas-Boas and Laudrup are still really really really ridiculously good-looking.
20 min: Dembele and Dempsey combine to find Defoe, who swivels and bends a shot a few yards wide from the edge of the area. He's ominously sharp.
19 min: Now Swansea aren't being allowed a kick. Give them a kick, Tottenham!
18 min: Swansea can't get out at the moment and Adebayor is very close to getting on the end of Walker's corner.
15 min: Now Spurs look like they're in the mood. Aaron Lennon speeds down the right flank and cuts the ball back into the six-yard box. Again, Adebayor looks certain to score. Again, Spurs are denied by a Spaniard - though this time it was Flores, not Michu. The ball's only half-cleared to Naughton, who's chopped down by Dyer. He's booked. Walker's free-kick goes straight into the wall.
13 min: A brilliant challenge from Michu stops Defoe giving Spurs the lead. That's not a typo. He needed to make it, too, because a Spurs goal would have been his fault after he'd sloppily conceded possession to Dembele deep in his own half, thinking he had more time than he actually did. Dembele romped forward and then completely threw Swansea off the scent with a blind backheel into Defoe's path. He looked certain to score, but Michu threw himself in front of the shot.
12 min: Suddenly Swansea find themselves on the backfoot as Adebayor breaks with options left and right. He chooses left, though his pass sends Defoe a tad wide. No matter, one on one against Flores, Defoe jinks past the Spaniard and then shoots tamely at Tremmel from 15 yards out.
11 min: Speaking of Sandro, you probably don't want to mess with the Brazilian.
10 min: Sandro, who skelped one in from range against Fulham the other week, shoots from the edge of the area. Throw-in to Swansea.
9 min: Hugo Lloris contributes to the Swansea passing carousel by sending a clearance straight to Ki - fortunately enough, the South Korean was in the centre circle though. "Morning, lounge or birthday suit?" asks Simon McMahon. Business. I mean business today.
8 min: The first proper threat from Spurs. Adebayor plays a give-and-go on the edge of the area, but Flores steps in to calm things down.
7 min: Tottenham have barely had a kick yet. Give them a kick, Swansea! I suppose it's easy to be sniffy about the Welsh side - let's not pretend they invented passing - but they really are fantastic and fascinating to watch.
5 min: Swansea look very confident. Ki lopes forward in the smooth style - where are the Spurs midfielders? - and Vertonghen has to be alert to stop Michu in his tracks, conceding a corner nonetheless. From which, a scare for Spurs. Routledge whips it low to the far post, Ki flicks it on and it flashes right across the six-yard box. At the far post, Flores, sliding in, can only hammer it high over the bar.
3 min: SOCIAL EXPERIMENT: Get Tony Pulis and Michael Laudrup to swap jobs for a week. Laudrup would be wearing a baseball cap by day three while Pulis would be effortlessly Danish.
2 min: It's early doors, but this already has the feel of a good game about it. Not that anything of note has happened yet. Just a lot of passing.
They're playing football now. Swansea, in their red kits, get the game going. They're passing crisply from left to right. Tottenham are all in white. "Perhaps I am feeling my age or everyone else's but I wonder if those MBM readers who are under 30 understand (I mean really understand) how brilliant a player Laudrup was," says Ian Copestake. "Romario and Stoichkov have so much to thank him for. Just wanted to contribute to the man love."
The teams are on the pitch. They'll be playing football soon!
The teams are in the tunnel. They'll be playing football soon!
Good afternoon and welcome to the handsome-off between Andre Villas-Boas and Michael Laudrup. Look at the pair of them. So handsome. Swoon. If the cameras don't just focus on the dug-out instead of the match for the entire 90 minutes, then something's gone seriously wrong. In honour of the occasion, I'm even wearing a suit. There's your casual.
Tottenham: Lloris; Walker, Gallas, Vertonghen, Naughton; Lennon, Sandro, Dembele, Dempsey; Adebayor, Defoe. Subs: Friedel, Parker Huddlestone, Sigurdsson, Livermore, Townsend, Caulker.
Swansea: Tremmel; Tiendalli, Williams, Flores, Davies; Britton, De Guzman, Ki; Dyer, Michu, Routledge. Subs: Cornell, Monk, Richards, Shechter, Agustien, Moore, Graham.
Referee: Mike Dean.