THE CENTRAL DEFENDER LINE
Being a London-centric type of tea-time email, the Fiver knows all about the complicated etiquette involved in catching the Tube. Namely: never make eye contact with anyone, never smile at anyone, never give up your seat for anyone under the age of 108, never give up your seat to someone who's pregnant unless you can see some actual afterbirth, huff loudly if a child dares to do anything cute and childish, never engage with a drunk Australian and really, really, really never ever never ever talk to someone you don't know.
It's a lesson Mr Roy would do well to learn. Because after holding an impromptu press conference in front of an audience of complete strangers last night, he was shocked when the news was leaked that Rio Ferdinand won't return to the England squad despite Plain Old JT's international retirement. Which we kind of knew anyway, but we digress. "I didn't say it last night – it was Wednesday afternoon if we want to be 100% correct," Mr Roy spluttered, with the kind of pedantry that suggests a career in writing Fiver letters beckons. "All I remember was that I was talking to quite a lot of people on the Tube and one guy said 'is Rio in the next squad?'" he added, with the touching naivety of a man living in a world before the invention of Twitter, mobile phones, TV, radio, newspapers or language.
Mr Roy was also asked – by journalists, rather than an accountant on the Central Line – if he would pick Plain Old JT if he was still available. "I don't answer hypothetical questions," he answered, answering a hypothetical question. "Would I pick Bobby Charlton if he hadn't stopped playing for England?" The Fiver can answer that one Mr Roy! Yes, because at 74, he's still more agile than Andy Carroll.
For the record, Mr Roy has replaced ball-playing centre-back Rio Ferdinand with shin-playing centre-back Ryan Shawcross. If you've got a problem with that, Mr Roy will be conducting a 30-minute Q&A on the Hammersmith & City line from 7pm. Or 7.10pm if there's signal failure at King's Cross.
QUOTE OF THE DAY
"I want to remind him that I am the only one to decide who will be picked and how long those who are picked will play. There is only one to decide and it's me" – sounds like France grand fromage Didier Deschamps took kindly to Arsene Wenger's criticism of his handling of Abou Diaby, then.
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"I guess it is too much to suppose that the Fiver would know by now that teenagers today do not need to find Weird Uncle Fiver's bongo stash in order soil clean sheets (yesterday's Fiver), it's all free on the internet. At least, that's what I'm told" – Chris W.
"What does the FA do with the fines that they levy, such as the £10,000 from Roberto Martinez's pocket (yesterday's Bits and Bobs)? Could it be using the money to promote the success of English footba … oh" – Robert W. Zoellner.
JOIN GUARDIAN SOULMATES
We keep trying to point out the utter futility of advertising an online dating service "for interesting people" in the Fiver to the naive folk who run Guardian Soulmates, but they still aren't having any of it. So here you go – sign up here to view profiles of the kind of erudite, sociable and friendly romantics who would never dream of going out with you.
BITS AND BOBS
Ipswich Town striker Michael Chopra is one of three professional footballers accused of betting-related corruption by the British Horseracing Authority. James Coppinger of Nottingham Forest and Mark Wilson, formerly of Manchester United but presently without a club since being released by Oxford, are the others.
After doing a disappearing act at the Etihad last night, Samir Nasri has not reappeared in today's France squad despite having served a three-match ban imposed by the French FA for his Euro 2012 hissyfit.
A study of Premier League referees' decisions by clever people who perhaps have a little too much time on their hands claims that bookings can be influenced by a players' ethnicity.
Chris Waddle has risked feeling the the wrath of 140 badly arranged characters by questioning Marseille's decision to sign Joey Barton on loan. "Unless someone's built him up into being Zinedine Zidane, I don't know how he got that move. I wouldn't bet against him upsetting the supporters," warbled Waddle.
And Gary Lineker has apologised after describing a prayer celebration by two Muslim Montpellier players as "eating grass" on Al Jazeera TV. "I'm sorry but I'm not aware of every player's religion," said Lineker who was described as "ignorant" by a London imam.
STILL WANT MORE?
Everyone hearts Joe Hart, Arsenal are getting over their break up with Robin van Persie just fine and Cristiano Ronaldo is smiling again. These are just three of the 10 things we learned from Big Cup this week. Read the rest here.
If you are the type of person who likes to know what Jonathan Wilson can calculate within a millisecond, who Pedro Pinto has got the man-hots for and what Gregg Bakowski used to own as a kid, then you will love this week's Football Weekly Extra, now with added AC Jimbo.
When Luka Modric sings in the shower, he yodels Tony Bennett's jazzy number, Rags to Riches, because that's the type of life he had led, reckons Aleksandar Holiga.
And Amy Lawrence had to shield her eyes with her right hand once she discovered that Bate Borisov are the brightest light so far in this year's Champions League.