That was very easy for Chelsea. An upset was never on the cards, even with a number of first-choice players missing and they're into the fourth round of the Capital One Cup thanks to goals in the first half from Fernando Torres and Ramires. The only worry are injuries to Ramires and Marco van Ginkel. Thanks for reading. Night.
Full-time: Swindon Town 0-2 Chelsea
A result so predictable that even The Fiver predicted it earlier today.
90 min:Torres goes so close to scoring a wonderful solo goal but forgets to shoot at the crucial moment. With time ticking away, he suddenly livened things up with a brilliant, wriggly run from the right, past a few defenders and into the area. Once into the area, he dropped the shoulder one more time but then dithered over the shot, allowing Foderingham to push the ball away. It came to Willian, whose effort was cleared off the line. Three minutes of added time.
87 min: Demba Ba almost scores a stunner. He cuts inside Hall from the left and whips a vicious shot this far wide of the far post from the edge of the area.
86 min: With nothing else to do, Swindon have decided to start throwing themselves about a bit.
83 min: Luiz sends Willian racing through. He tries to curl it into the far corner from the left of the area but his effort slithers wide. Torres was waiting for a tap-in, if only he'd been less selfish.
82 min: Bertrand tees up Mata on the edge of the area and he sends his effort into the night sky. Sell him.
80 min: Pritchard ends a mazy dribble with a tame shot. Swindon have given it a good go in the second half but the gulf in class is too wide.
78 min: Demba Ba replaces Kevin de Bruyne. Once that's dealt with, Luiz rattles a free-kick through the wall but not Foderingham.
76 min: Luiz tumbles under a heavy challenge just outside the Swindon area but Michael Oliver doesn't like him so doesn't bother awarding a free-kick.
73 min: Mohammed El Gabas replaces Nicky Ajose.
70 min: Here was Willian's moment and he fluffed it. De Bruyne strode through the middle and found Torres, who had peeled away from his marker on the right. Foderingham saved with his feet but the rebound fell to Willian, who should have shot straight away. Instead he took a poor touch and sliced high and wide.
67 min: Bertrand has got into a couple of promising positions on the left in the last couple of minutes but his delivery has been disappointing on both occasions.
65 min: Mata's free-kick from the right is headed away but only as far as De Bruyne, who skelps a swerving volley goalwards. It's straight at Foderingham but too hot for him too hold. He spills it into the six-yard box but the ball is hacked clear.
64 min: Your Swindon lot are little slugs.
63 min: "I recently (last week) moved to LA where face tattoos are all the rage," says Ian Copestake. "In fact if you stare at a person with one of them they often share that rage with you."
If you will spend all your time on muscle beach..
62 min: Chelsea have been sloppy and complacent since the break, allowing Swindon some encouragement. Another corner. But another clearance.
59 min: Things Franz Cahill shouldn't be allowed to do: backheels. He tries to knock one, ill-advisedly, to Azpilicueta but gets it horribly wrong. The ball goes to Pritchard and eventually finds Luongo, whose shot is deflected wide. The corner comes to nothing.
58 min: Willian hasn't done much. You win this round, Tottenham.
57 min: What this game needs is the final whistle - but I'm only saying that because my painkillers are in the other room.
55 min: Correction: Pritchard will hit it. But he won't score.
54 min: Essien stumbles over the ball in his own half and Pritchard nips in. Essien decides to make amends by clipping Pritchard's heels and he's booked. McEveley will hit this.
GOAL! NO! WAIT!
52 min: Swindon think they're back in the game, but the linesman's flag is up to deny Dany N'Guessan. Jay McEveley swung a free-kick to the far post from the right and N'Guessan headed past Schwarzer, but only because he was offside.
50 min: "I like the name Nile Ranger and was surprised he needs to tattoo his face to gain a sense of identity when he has a massive river as a first name," says Ian Copestake. Maybe it's so his kit doesn't lose him.
49 min: What a chance for De Bruyne. Luiz chips a quick free-kick over a dozing Swindon defence but De Bruyne, unmarked in the area, decides to hit the volley first time and swipes at thin air. He had time to bring it down.
47 min: David Luiz, of course, is in midfield, which some consider to be his rightful place. Either there or in a cannon.
46 min: The second half beginneth. But Chelsea start it without Ramires, who was a substitute himself, has not emerged from the dressing room after picking up an injury. John Terry is on instead. What a treat for the people of Swindon. Meanwhile Louis Thompson is on for the injured Nile Ranger, who is too embarrassed to continue on live television with a tattoo on his face.
Half-time: Swindon Town 0-2 Chelsea
Move along, nothing to see here. Chelsea have a healthy lead thanks to goals from Fernando Torres and Ramires.
45 min:There will be three added minutes. Damn you, Van Ginkel!
44 min: Schwarzer punches Pritchard's free-kick away and then does a few cartwheels.
43 min: Azpilicueta is booked after clumsily bringing down McEveley on the left.
42 min: Mata fouls Thompson. What a hardman.
41 min: Pritchard runs at the Chelsea defence but he's all on his own and shoots straight at Schwarzer.
40 min: Cahill nearly gets himself in a spot of bother, dawdling with the ball near his own area, trying to inject a bit of excitement into his evening, but he recovers to toepoke the ball away before N'Guessan can pounce.
38 min: And now he's touched it twice. Kasim turns away from Mata - MINUS FIVE POINTS, JUAN - far too easily and sends a low skimmer towards the bottom left corner from 20 yards. Schwarzer pushes it wide for a corner, which he catches.
37 min: That really was rather good. But then Chelsea are and Swindon aren't. I think Mark Schwarzer has touched the ball once.
GOAL! Swindon Town 0-2 Chelsea (Ramires, 35 min)
This is an outstandingly crafted goal. Taking quite the kicking with his back to goal and in the middle of Swindon's half, Torres suddenly shows a touch of class, pirouetting past two Swindon defenders, leaving their faces as red as their shirts. He then slides a pass through to Ramires. It seems too have too much pace on it but Foderingham is so slow off his line he might as well have started from the back of the stand. Ramires, running like a rugby league player, gets there just in time and although he's on the left, decides to make use his right foot to good effect, slamming the ball into the top-right corner with the outside of his right boot.
34 min: De Bruyne's playing. Oh.
33 min: The commentators are wondering whether Ranger's knock is restricting him from troubling Chelsea. It might just be that he's not very good.
32 min: "I thought the link between Mourinho not getting that job and taking it out on Mata was a classic replay of the bother Henry II had with that turbulent priest of his," says Ian Copestake. "In this version Mourinho actually said "It doesn't matter" but this got mistranslated."
31 min: Game over.
GOAL! Swindon Town 0-1 Chelsea (Torres, 29 min)
Are you watching, Jose? Yes, you probably are. Ramires locates more space on the edge of the area and Swindon are totally exposed. He shuffles the ball through to the unmarked Mata on the right of the area. He slightly scuffs a low right-footer towards the far corner, which Foderingham gets a hand to, only for an alert and speedy Torres to prod the ball into the empty net before the ball rolls behind for a corner.
27 min: Here's the first real chance for Chelsea and the first proper contribution from Mata. He finds space between the lines and slips a fine pass through to Torres, who might have been offside. But the flag stays down and Torres draws Foderingham, before trying to dink the ball over him. No luck, though - the ball clanks against Foderingham's face and to safety.
26 min: Swindon need to be careful when they attack. Once Chelsea win the ball back, which isn't taking too long, their speed on the counter is potentially devastating. However their passing hasn't quite been right. Willian sweeps one through to Torres on the left but it's massively overhit, forcing Torres inside. He finds Ramires on the edge of the area. He sidesteps one player but then bends an atrocious shot miles wide.
24 min: On the left, Willian turns a sharp pass down the line to Mata, whose swift cross would have been a good idea if there was anyone in the area. It goes out for a throw. "That's why you're on the bench," chant the Swindon fans, twisting the knife.
22 min: Mata's free-kick is headed weakly at Foderingham by Cahill. There is very little of note happening at the moment. What a game to televise.
21 min: Bertrand robs Thompson and the ball breaks to Essien, who charges forward. He pokes the ball past Luongo and then nutmegs Kasim, who decides the only thing to do is pull the midfielder down. Surprisingly he escapes without a booking. That was cynical in the extreme.
20 min: Mata has done very little, by the by. He's barely been on the ball, presumably as some form of social protest. He'll be grappling with Iain Dale in no time.
19 min: Ranger jogs back on. Willian knocks a pass up to Torres but it takes a nick off a Swindon player and goes out for a throw-in to ... Swindon.
17 min: Now Ranger is getting treatment for a thigh injury. While they're at it, he could have laser surgery to remove that tattoo. "If you look (very) closely, the picture of Mata is really that of a more handsome Rooney," says Simon McMahon. "Freud would have a field day with this."
14 min: Moments after a sloppy pass from Ramires, Schwarzer shanks a clearance out for a goal-kick. But it's not long before Chelsea retrieve the ball.It's a good day. "Any news of Mourinho suffering makes me very happy," says JR in Illinois. "Also, but unrelated, I'd keep an eye on Luiz today. I still remember what he did to poor Reeves on Brentford in last year's FA Cup game right near the end of a 4-0 drubbing. He is one of the dirtiest players around. I don't care that he apologised to Reeves. He can stuff his "sorrys" in a sack. Another unrelated, that looked real bad for Van Ginkel. That's ligament damage, that is. And could be quite serious."
13 min: This is a decidedly low-key game so far. There's been little sign of the magic of the Capital One Cup so far. Chelsea will be putting the ball in the net sooner or later, probably from a scruffy set-piece or something. And so it was decreed.
11 min: A foul throw from Azpilicueta.
10 min: Ramires replaces the injured Van Ginkel, who can't continue. Ramires comes on just before a Chelsea free-kick, conceded 30 yards from goal after a foul on Torres. Luiz steps up and unleashes a wobblicious effort that swerves through the air and forces an uncomfortable save from Foderingham, who does well to push the ball away from the danger area. Have that, Paolo.
8 min: Well, writes Dr Steinberg, Van Ginkel is back on.
7 min: This looks worrying for Van Ginkel, who's limping off with the Chelsea physios alongside him. It wasn't a foul by Pritchard but his challenge did seem to cause Van Ginkel's knee to buckle awkwardly.
6 min: Van Ginkel is down in the centre circle after being dispossesed by Pritchard. He appears to have hurt his right knee.
5 min: Swindon have a neat style about them but most of their passing has been restricted to the halfway line.
4 min: Azpilicueta goes on an adventure up the right flank. He survives being tugged back and makes his way to the byline, in the Swindon area, but his cutback is cut out.
3 min: Chelsea are busy introducing themselves to the ball. They're treating it all proper.
2 min: Mourinho already has his Mata voodoo doll out. Probably.
1 min: We have football. Chelsea get the game underway, kicking from right to left in the first half. They're in blue and Swindon are in red. Chelsea attack immediately, a slip almost letting Torres in but the ball is eventually prodded back to Paolo Di Canio's mate, Wes Foderingham.
Here come the teams. Hello teams.
Dennis Wise is a pundit on Sky. He signed Nile Ranger when he was at Newcastle. "I love Nile," he says. What a glowing character reference.
"Mourinho crying encapsulates why he didn't get Utd job," says Hugh Collins. "The job description clearly states "grumpy Scot", not "weeping Portuguese." Based on early Moyes results, that may actually have been the only criterion."
Moyes is so out of his depth at the moment, isn't he. Has he done anything right?
"So, Oscar being good out of possession meaning he makes good movements off the ball or that he tracks back and defends," says Gokul Kannan. "If you mean the latter then your reply is so sarcastic that I am feeling trolled big time. If he is good at tracking back then doesn't it make sense to play him out wide to help the full backs ?"
But Oscar doesn't play wide. He's a good No10, which is where he plays for Brazil, and importantly for Mourinho, he's intelligent when the opposition has the ball.
Apparently Mourinho cried when he learnt he wasn't getting the Manchester United job. He's taking it all out on Mata.
"I may sound dumb, but I still seriously don't get why Mata has been sidelined?" says Gokul Kannan. "I did not get the explanation Mourinho gave in the press conference. Is it only me - Can anyone explain it to me in layman's terms . For eg I understand why Liverpool don't play Henderson at Coutinho's position. That is a piece of cake. He is not good enough and the world knows it. Henderson himself won't allow such a thing to happen. But this Mata thing is driving me crazy."
I got it. Get me. His reasoning is that he wants Oscar, who is good when out of possession, to play behind the striker and that Mata will have to adapt to a role on the right.
"Actually Jacob, you might find that Cahill started against Fulham, so there are only 11 changes," says Stephen Garbett, exposing my ruse.
Further to John Terry not playing, nor are Petr Cech, Ashley Cole, Eden Hazard, Didier Drogba, Andriy Shevchenko, Kerry Dixon, Bruce Buck and Ken Bates, Mourinho having fallen out with the lot of them.
Swindon haven't been in the news as much since a certain someone left earlier this year. They've made an inconsistent start in League One this season, with 11 points from their first eight games, though they're only four points off the play-offs. Most excitingly, though, they've got former Newcastle rogue Nile Ranger up front - a man who got a tattoo of his own name on his face this summer. I'm not sure if that's better or worse than the guy who got Mitt Romney's campaign slogan tattooed on his face.
Here are the teams. Juan Mata is allowed a charity run-out, as is David Luiz. Chelsea have made 11 changes to the side that beat Fulham on the weekend, with Fernando Torres up front and Mark Schwarzer starting in goal for the first time. John Terry is on the bench - has he already fallen out with Mourinho?
Swindon: Foderingham;Thompson N, Hall, Ward, McEveley; Kasim, Luongo, Pritchard, Ajose; Ranger, N’Guessan. Subs: Elgabas, Thompson L, Storey, Barthram, Branco, Wood.
Chelsea: Schwarzer; Azpilicueta, David Luiz, Cahill, Bertrand; Essien, Van Ginkel; De Bruyne, Mata, Willian; Torres. Subs: Blackman, Terry, Ramires, Baker, Schurrle, Ba, Eto’o.
Referee: Michael Oliver.
Hello. Some people in life are winners – this does not apply to anyone writing or reading this, you understand. But it does apply to Jose Mourinho. If Jose Mourinho was on the X Factor, he would win it in the first week. If Jose Mourinho was on Masterchef, he’d turn up with a plate of egg and chips and win. If Jose Mourinho was asked to make Transformers 10: Revenge of the Mega Transformadons, he’d definitely win the Oscar for best director. It’s because he’s a winner. It’s why, when he’s asked to explain exactly why Juan Mata isn’t his most important player even though he was Chelsea’s last season, he can patronise an unsuspecting Jamie Redknapp to within an inch of his life on live television, safe in the knowledge that he’s won two Champions Leagues with different clubs.
It's because Mourinho understands, still. When he arrived at Chelsea in 2004, he took over a talented squad but a club that had no knowledge of what it takes to win - John Terry and Frank Lampard had never won anything - so he made sure that they took the poor, derided, unloved League Cup with the utmost seriousness. Chelsea played a strong side throughout, beat Liverpool in the final and had the league wrapped up by April. The situation is not quite the same this time but it is similar. Because of Mourinho, Chelsea are a club used to winning but the guard is changing and he has spoken extensively about the immaturity of his exciting young squad. He might make 11 changes tonight, reducing Mata and David Luiz to auditions at the County Ground, but Chelsea are unlikely to take Swindon Town lightly. Sometimes Mourinho's teams can feel joyless, missing a spark, a Mata, a trusting of talent. But here's the rub: when it's time to hand out the medals, it's usually Mourinho's teams up on the podium.