Aesthetes! Aesthetes! Gather round! Yes, it's time for a bit of Swansea City swashbuckle! No need for the hard sell.
But let's not underplay Everton's ability to ping it about either. Their game might not be based on the rococo patterns of the South Walians, but they've been one of the Premier League's more entertaining sides so far this season, the high points being a deserved opening-day win over Manchester United, a comprehensive victory at Aston Villa, a wholly unfortunate draw against Mike Jones (Chester)'s Newcastle United.
Both teams have stuttered slightly after a win-win start, with a draw and a defeat. But a third victory of the season for either team would send them joint top on points with Chelsea, at least for a couple of hours. So we could have a decent game on our hands here this afternoon. Especially as Swansea have never beaten Everton - ever - and thus have something of a statement to make.
Kick off: 12.45pm BST. Summer's gone, though. Summer's gone.
While away the time until kick off with: This interview with Lee Mavers lookalike Michu. Stuart James has had a chat with Swansea's Spanish midfielder, and it's worth reading if only for the anecdote about Rayo Vallecano taking the scenic route to a game at Real Sociedad because they couldn't afford to pay for the toll roads.
Swansea City hand a full debut to Pablo Hernandez while Ki Sung-yueng also makes his first Premier League start: Vorm, Rangel, Tate, Williams, Davies, Ki, de Guzman, Michu, Hernandez, Routledge, Graham.
Subs: Tremmel, Britton, Dyer, Monk, Shechter, Moore, Tiendalli.
Everton are without Tony Hibbert, Darron Gibson and Nikica Jelavic: Howard, Neville, Heitinga, Jagielka, Baines, Osman, Pienaar, Coleman, Fellaini, Mirallas, Anichebe.
Subs: Mucha, Oviedo, Naismith, Distin, Gueye, Vellios, Duffy.
Referee: Anthony Taylor (Cheshire)
The teams are out! And there's quite an atmosphere at the Liberty Stadium on a crisp but sunny day. The crowd are giving it plenty, but then there's pause for a moment to reflect on the lives of the 96 who died at Hillsborough, and the former Swans chairman Malcolm Struel, who died this week. Struel took John Toshack to the club in the late 1970s and oversaw the greatest period in the club's history. The round of applause to mark his passing is warm and long.
And we're off! Everton almost immediately win a free kick down the left. Baines swings in a dangerous free kick to the near post. Anichebe powers a header goalwards, outjumping Tate. Vorm gathers low, but only at the second attempt, with Mirallas lurking to poke home. What a bright start by the visitors!
3 min: Swansea are all over the show here. Anichebe bombs down the inside-left channel. He reaches the byline and pulls the ball back for Mirallas, who hits a first-time shot low and hard straight at Vorm. The ball rebounds to the edge of the area, where Everton replicate the move, the pass inside coming at head height this time. Mirallas nuts goalwards, but Vorm plucks the ball from the air. Everton really do have their tails up here. That period of pressure, incidentally, began when Rangel needlessly kept a ball from going out of play in the middle of the park with a mid-air backheel. Gotta love Swansea.
4 min: Swansea play it long, for once, down the inside-right channel, and nearly release Graham into the area. But not quite.
6 min: From the right, a long diagonal pass into the Swansea area towards the far post, where Fellaini attempts to volley a spectacular shot home. The effort is blocked. If the teams keep going at this rate, there will be goals.
8 min: No scrambles in either area for over 120 seconds now. Come on, lads, you've got paying customers in.
10 min: Both teams are playing a very hectic pressing game. This is clanking along at 100mph, but it's not the tattiest match you'll ever see. The rat-a-tat tackles are flying in, but progressive moves keep threatening to break out.
12 min: Swansea's back line is in tatters thanks to the simplest of balls rolled straight down the middle. Anichebe looks to break clear, but as he taps the ball forward by the D, Williams slides in to upend him. Tate was covering - but only just - and it's only a yellow. David Moyes, needless to say, doesn't agree, and throws some Begbie shapes on the touchline. It'll be a free kick in a dangerous position for Everton. "Everton's first half against Newcastle was like watching Arsenal," suggests Duncan Smith. "Lovely passing and very little final product."
14 min: Everton post the ball into the Swansea area, where Fellaini makes a nuisance of himself, but achieves nothing more. At the moment, 42% of this game is being played in Swansea's final third. Everton are totally dominant.
15 min: Rangel rakes a long diagonal ball towards the Everton D from tight on the right-hand touchline. Graham chases after it. Howard comes right to the edge of the area to claim. Did he overrun it, and handle outside the area? The Swansea faithful certainly think so, but the referee gets the decision exactly right, the keeper gathering the ball right on the line.
16 min: Swansea finally create something, and it's out of nothing. Graham wins a header on the edge of the area. The ball doesn't really go anywhere. Heitinga heads lamely out. Hernandez attempts to loop a lazy first-time shot over the gaggle of players in the box, aiming for the right-hand corner, but sending the effort high and wide. Decent enough, and something's better than nothing for the home side.
18 min: Anichebe is causing all sorts of havoc down the inside-left channel. First he gets to the byline and stands one up in the middle for Mirallas, but he runs the ball out of play. Then he holds up a pass down the same flank, tapping the ball back for the onrushing Pienaar, who snatches his shot wide left. Surely it's only a matter of time before Everton score. They've been superb so far.
20 min: The magnificent Anichebe turns and shoots from the left-hand corner of the Swansea area. Vorm is behind the effort, which was flying towards the top-left corner. So far, Anichebe's performance is as good as you'll see from a striker without a goal.
22 min: GOAL!!! Swansea City 0-1 Everton. And here's Anichebe's goal. A long diagonal ball from the left towards Fellaini, level with the far post, eight yards out. He chests down, and guides the ball - with a header, or maybe a cheeky arm - inside to Anichebe, who welts a firm shot into the bottom-right corner from six yards out. If ever a goal had been coming in the entire history of professional football, that was it.
24 min: Replays suggest Fellaini's ball inside to Anichebe was indeed guided through by a combination of head and arm, but after the decisions that went against Everton in the Newcastle match on Monday, they probably deserve one. Not that Swansea should be forced to cash Newcastle's cheques, of course.
27 min: This is still all Everton, Swansea not responding at all. The away side are first to absolutely everything.
30 min: Anichebe and Coleman take turns to fall under challenges from Tate in the Swansea area. Both tackles are legal, though, and the referee waves play on. The Swansea support are still giving it plenty, which is to their credit given that their players haven't bothered to turn up yet. Some eejit is making a holy racket with a big bass drum. He's really got to stop that.
31 min: Ki becomes the second Swan to see yellow, for a late lunge on Pienaar.
33 min: A scramble in the Swansea area. Pienaar picks up the ball to the left of the melee, then swings it in to Fellaini, level with the right-hand post on the edge of the six-yard area. He attempts to guide a header into the bottom left, but there's no power in the effort. Maybe he should have used his arm.
34 min: Finally some serious action down the other end. With Howard way off his line having challenged Graham for a high ball, Michu looks to loop a shot into the unguarded net from the right-hand edge of the D. Jagielka is on the line to head clear. The ball's soon coming back at Everton. Davies goes down under a nudge from Mirallas as he challenges for a header at the left-hand post. It's a free kick anywhere else on the pitch, but you know what referees are like.
36 min: "Laudrup's rope-a-dope plan doesn't seem to be working," opines Niall Mullen. "Swansea should try some of those new tangled tactics I've heard so much about. You know tackling, closing down, passing, running." They're hearing you, Niall. They've stepped it up a notch. Routledge cuts inside from the left and clatters a shot towards the far corner. The ball's deflected out for a corner. The ball's swung in from the right. Michu meets it with a powerful header, right in the middle of the box. He should get the header on target, and probably should score, truth be told, but his effort flies over the bar. This is better from the home side, who in fairness might have been told that the game kicked off at 1.19pm.
39 min: A wonderful attempt by Ki, who curls a shot from the left of the Everton D towards the top-right corner. He's got Howard beaten all ends up, but puts just too much juice in his shot, and the ball flies wide.
43 min: GOAL!!! Swansea City 0-2 Everton. Fellaini shatters Swansea's back line into a million pieces with an exquisite slide-rule pass down the right wing, releasing Neville into acres. The Everton captain curls in a Beckhamesque cross for Mirallas, clear in the middle. He powers a shot past Vorm, onto the underside of the bar. The ball bounces out and down. Mirallas chases up his own effort, beating the desperate Vorm to the ball with a diving header, guiding the ball into the empty net. Everton deserve this two-goal lead, even if the first should have been disallowed for Fellaini's handball.
HALF TIME: Swansea City 0-2 Everton. An end-to-end denouement to the half. Graham lunges at a fizzer through the Everton area from the left. Mirallas nearly diddles his way into the box down the other end. Back up the pitch, Rangel then springs clear into the Everton area from the right, and really should score, but Howard deflects the shot over the bar. Then Rangel misses another gilt-edged chance, getting onto the end of a deep Routledge cross at the right-hand post, but somehow screwing his shot back away from goal instead of hammering home from a couple of yards. And that's that for the half. What a half. It could have been 5-0 to Everton, it could have ended 2-2. As it is, the visitors are heading for the three points. It's been one hell of a half; the second promises to be none too shabby.
HALF-TIME RECIPE: The weekends are all about cookery programmes these days, aren't they, writes MBM reporter who has only just noticed the sorry state of the Saturday morning TV schedules even though they've been the same for roughly a decade now, so why should we be any different here at Guardian Sport? That's right! No reason why! So here's how to make a seed cake. Mmm, seeds. Salivating already?
If you can't be bothered to watch the clip, just mix up the following ingredients ...
8oz soft margarine
13oz caster sugar
three teaspoons caraway seeds
6oz plain flour
2oz ground almonds
... then chuck the whole kit and caboodle in a baking tin, lined naturally, and cook it up in a "slack oven", which appears to be 1970s middle-class speak for Gas Mark 3. Enjoy, enjoy! TIM LOVEJOY, STAND ASIDE.
All that in the oven, yes? Good. Right, settle down, because we're off again! Dyer is coming on for Pablo Hernandez. Swansea get the ball rolling.
47 min: Rangel accidentally steps on Fellaini's toe. The Everton midfielder stops just short of holding his foot in his hands, hopping about, and screaming YAROOOO! but does accuse the Swansea defender of doing it deliberately via the medium of mime. The referee tells him to stop being such a big gurning baby, and we move on.
49 min: Swansea win a corner down the left. The ball's sent into the area. Howard comes off his line and punches Williams, standing his ground, on the back of his head. That's a free kick in favour of the keeper, obviously. Swansea have the radge on. But they look up for this now. Finally. "Your picture of the Fellaini brothers on Monday's MBM reminded me of an anecdote from days of yore," begins Sean Moore, preparing to trundle out a classic that never gets old. "Mike and Bernie Winters were appearing at the infamous Glasgow Empire and Bernie decided to start proceedings by taking to the stage on his own. After about 20 minutes, he had barely raised a snigger, and the locals were starting to turn ugly. To a deafening silence, brother Mike joined him on the stage to see if the evening could somehow be salvaged. Cue, a voice from the audience: 'Oh f***, there's two of 'em.'"
50 min: Michu gains a yard down the inside left and gets a shot away. He hits it straight at Howard. Corner. Wasted corner. This is better from the home side.
51 min: Coleman slides a pass down the inside right for Mirallas, who is shoved in the back by Ki inside the Swansea area. For the second time in the match - and making it one apiece - that's the sort of foul that'd have been given anywhere else on the pitch. These officials, eh!
53 min: Anichebe powers past Tate in the centre circle, then slips the ball to the right to send Fellaini free. The midfielder takes a wee bit too long to get his shot away, and twists and turns awhile instead. He eventually slides the ball inside to Mirallas, who hammers a shot off the underside of the bar. Anichebe tries to follow the ball in, but can't do it, Vorm saving well. That really should have been the game there for Everton.
54 min: Swansea stream up the other end. So close to going three goals down, they now nearly reduce the deficit, Michu cutting in from the right and unleashing a low shot towards the bottom corner. Howard saves spectacularly, and nothing comes from the resulting corner. This game is on!
55 min: Some admin. Dyer is booked for mouth music. Then Tate is replaced by Britton, with Ki moving back into the Swansea defence. God alone knows how this is going to end up.
57 min: The busy Anichebe robs Ki of the ball in the middle of the Swansea half, then goes off on a ramble down the inside-left channel. Rangel bowls him over, and earns himself a yellow card.
58 min: RED CARD!!! Dyer, having come on at half time, picks up his second yellow card for a ludicrous studs-up challenge on Baines. That could have been a straight red. What a clown. Dyer leaves the pitch hiding his face with his shirt, which is just as well, because on the touchline Michael Laudrup is giving him one of those long, lingering, silent, seething looks. It's positively Moyesian. Some full and frank views will be exchanged after the game, I'll be bound, with the Swansea manager doing most of the talking.
60 min: Mirallas sends the resulting free kick, from 25 yards to the left of goal, over the bar, and wide to boot.
62 min: Swansea really are all over the shop. Anichebe and Pienaar combine to frighten a panicking Rangel off the ball, and look to tear clear, three on two. But the referee ludicrously blows for a Swansea free kick. On the touchline, Moyes is throwing semaphore shapes, spelling out words like EFF and CEE.
65 min: With Graham breaking down the left wing, Michu rather idiotically hauls Neville back with an arm round the neck. He's booked. Swansea have totally lost their heads.
66 min: If Everton don't win this game, it'll be pints of gin all round this evening. Anichebe is sprung clear into the area down the left. He rolls a ball across the front of the six-yard box for Fellaini, who somehow manages to sidefoot over the bar instead of scoring. Dearie me.
68 min: The old Swansea turn up! They triangulate down the right, Graham, Routledge and De Guzman flicking it around in the grand style. De Guzman reaches the byline, then sends a looping cross to the far post. Michu gets his head to the ball, but can't summon up enough power. The chance is gone, but that was so much better from a side who simply haven't clicked from the get-go.
71 min: Everton stroke it around for a bit in the Swansea style. Pienaar eventually lashes a low shot towards the bottom left. The ball's deflected for a corner, which is wasted. Swansea attempt to break upfield, but Osman tumbles Davies to the ground. He's booked, Everton's first caution of the match.
72 min: A couple of changes. For Everton, Mirallas is replaced by Naismith. For Swansea, Shechter comes on for Graham.
73 min: Corner to Everton down the right. Baines curls the ball to the near post. Fellaini batters a header towards the left-hand side of the goal. Vorm is beaten, but Britton is on hand to head clear off the line.
75 min: Anichebe twists and turns down the left, but eventually screws a poor shot wide left of goal. He doesn't look too pained at his failure; unsurprisingly, there's a real sense spreading around a quiet Liberty Stadium that this game is very much over.
77 min: Pienaar races down the left, then checks and releases Baines, who sashays past Pienaar on the inside, all the way to the byline. He whips a low ball into the centre. The excellent Anichebe opens his body, and sidefoots a first-time effort across the face of goal and just wide of the right-hand post. A lovely flowing move by Everton, who really look the part. "Five eggs, Scott?" splutters Julian Le Saux, of the Guardian Sport Half-time Recipe, a feature which it is fair to say hasn't otherwise caught on. "Five? Is that recipe sponsored by the Egg Marketing Board?" That is quite egg-heavy, yes. Southern TV were probably taking kickbacks from them. No wonder they lost their license to TVS.
80 min: A corner for Swansea down the left. Rangel gets his head to the set piece by the near post, but Howard reads his intentions and claims without fuss. Everton stream down the other end. Naismith, Anechebe, Fellaini and then Anichebe take turns to have shots on goal. Fellaini's is the worst attempt, a total fresh-air shot right by the left-hand post, while Anichebe goes closest, hammering the ball into the side netting on the left. Everton could quite easily have scored six or seven this afternoon, Swansea have been a total shower.
82 min: GOAL!!! [Team failed to turn up] 0-3 Everton. A free kick to Everton down the left. Baines curls in a perfect cross, finding Fellaini's nut, level with the near post, ten yards out. He clatters an effort goalwards, towards the top left. The ball takes a wee deflection off Williams, but it was on target anyway, and the midfielder's goal. "We're gonna win the league," sing the travelling support, summoning up memories of 1987 and the likes of Paul Power.
84 min: Swansea, though. Michu prods a ball goalwards from the edge of the Everton area, but there's no power or direction behind the effort, and Howard cleans up. "Don't think you need an excuse for a pint of gin (66 min) on a Saturday night, do you?" asks Simon McMahon. "It is the weekend after all."
86 min: A double change by David Moyes. Pienaar and a grinning Fellaini are replaced by Oviedo and Gueye. "Is it me or does Michu look like Jaws from the Bond films in that picture?" asks Peter Crosby.
87 min: Gueye announces himself with a spectacular fresh-air scissor kick in the Swansea area. You don't have to wait until prime time on Saturday night for top-quality televised light entertainment on Sky Sports.
90 min: The Swansea faithful are trudging off home, while the Evertonians in the ground are hollering about the league title at quite a volume. The players, meanwhile, are just running down the clock. "Eggs?" splutters kimazuikuki. "What is this? Brian Johnston at least talked about cakes." Yes, sorry. You could almost say this MBM has been totally half-baked.
90 min +1: There will be three added minutes, of which this is the first. "It was said the legendary Scottish golfer Brian Barnes liked a pint of gin and tonic," writes Seamus Devlin. "Light on the tonic."
90 min +2: A free kick for Swansea, 25 yards from goal to the left. De Guzman curls a magnificent effort up and over the wall, and off the crossbar. The ball comes out to Shechter, who can't follow up. So unlucky for Swansea, who won't even be going home with a consolation.
FULL TIME: Swansea City 0-3 Everton. And that's that. Swansea were a complete shambles today, but they were totally outplayed by Everton, whose brilliance would surely have undone anyone today. They could have had six or seven goals, easily, and fully deserve to rise to second place in the Premier League table. "Man Utd, Aston Villa, Newcastle (first half), and now Swansea have all been described as teams who have 'failed to turn up' against Everton this season," notes Sean Moore. "Coincidence?"