PEEP! An excellent result for Chelsea. A rather less excellent afternoon for poor Jonathan Walters. As I say, he was actually one of Stoke's better players and Chelsea would have found a way to win without him. Chelsea are third in the table now.
90 min: Three minutes of added time. Walters has actually been one of the better Stoke players today. I'm not just saying that to cheer him up either (I doubt he's reading this, although it would explain a few things).
Oh, Jonathan! After two own goals what did you expect. In Walters's defence he did hit the bar. The very top of the bar. He did very well to win the penalty twisting away from Terry, who looked a little rusty. Am I patronising him enough yet?
PENALTY TO STOKE!
Terry brings down Walters in the area.
86 min: Kightly is on for Etherington.
85 min: Rafa Benítez's Chelsea are never bad for very long, are they? 4-0 at a side unbeaten at home is a very good result. The problem is they're never good for very long either. "At least if I were at the Brit I could console myself by yelling at John Terry, but instead I'll have to listen to the Baltimore Chelsea support go on about this for months," sighs Joshua Reynolds.
82 min: Corner for Chelsea, and Lampard takes. Cole flashes a ball across the six-yard box and Torres almost backheels into the back of the net.
78 min: John Terry has grabbed the Champions League trophy, brushed his hair and is about to spring on to the field roaring. Yup, here he is. Mata trots off. Jerome and Whitehead are on for Jones and Adam.
75 min: The Chelsea fans have had a think and decided not to boo anyone today. A good decision, all things considered, Adam nearly does a decent Hazard impression with a rasping long shot.
GOAL!!! Stoke 0-4 Chelsea (Hazard 72)
Anything Walters can do... Hazard has nowhere in particular to go so lets fly from 30 yards out. It took a slight deflection, unfortunately not from a certain two-goal anti-hero though. I think that unbeaten home record just left the Britannia.
72 min: Torres comes on for Ba. Terry is also warming up. Not like him to come on once Chelsea have won something. "That penalty by Frank just reminded me of Barney Ronay's excellent article on Bowie, football and fans thinking they'd come close to the grade," says Luke Garratt. "That's the kind of wellying a ball Barnet was on about. On a side note, cannot believe Chelsea can't find a role for Frank next season(s)."
69 min: Lampard is denied by Begovic again (penalty notwithstanding). Another excellent save.
68 min: You'll have to take my word for it that Stoke had been the better side in this half until that shocking few minutes. They were disorganised, uncharacteristically so, on both goals. I have to say that Mata had minimal contact from Huth for the penalty though.
GOAL! Stoke 0-3 Chelsea (Lampard pen 64)
Lampard leathers the ball straight down the middle. Begovic falls to his right and watches the ball go past his left hand. Lampard is now Chelsea's second-top scorer of all time (he was joint with Kerry Dixon before that penalty).
PENALTY TO CHELSEA!
Will they let Walters take it?
GOAL! Stoke 0-2 Chelsea (Walters og 62)
Oh. Stoke aren't that good. Walters again! He's on a hat-trick! He was under pressure from Lampard and could only nod past Begovic. I think he may cry. Once he stops swearing.
61 min: Chelsea pass it around as they attempt to calm the pressure. Stoke have been very good in a so far excellent second-half.
58min: Penalty! No! No penalty! No! Offside! Marriner gives the penalty after Etherington goes down under a heavy challenge but the assistant referee had signalled (correctly) for offside already. "You don't know what you're doing," chant the Stoke fans (incorrectly).
55 min: Well, that attack didn't come to much. Stoke had a few lovely chances though. Nzonzi's howitzer was tipped over by Cech, then Huth headed wide. Much better from Stoke this half.
53 min: Whelan's header pops up in the air and Cech closes his eyes and prays as Jones bears down on him. As it happens he was worrying about the wrong man and is clattered by his own player. He's unharmed though. At the other end, Chelsea are mounting an attack. You can learn what happens here, exclusive and (nearly) live in, ooh, a minute or two.
52 min: Walters is just offside as he sneaks forward. Then Cole has his second chance of the game – his thumping shot is saved by Begovic at the near post. It was his right foot again. Well, if it's good enough for Casillas...
49 min: Stoke's first serious attack since falling behind. A good cross into the area but Luiz fights off Jones to head clear.
46 min: And we're off. "Re: 34 mins. Excellent clearances is what British football is all about," says Matt Dony. "It reminds me of a great Xavi interview where he talked about what a great atmosphere Anfield has, and how amazed he was that, when Carragher launched the ball into the stands, the crowd cheered. It's the beautiful game..."
Someone needed to step up and save the game from slipping into a coma. And it was Walters. Just at the wrong end. Hopefully, that will pep things up in the second half. Stoke have yet to lose at home this season.
GOAL!! Stoke 0-1 Chelsea (Walters og 45+1)
Confusion from a Chelsea cross. Hazard chips it in and Walters scores an excellent diving header. The whole time Chelsea were making the mistake of getting their own players to score when they should have just left it to Walters. It really was a lovely header.
45min: Two minutes of added time. That'll be quite enough. Chelsea have had the two clearest chances this half but neither team has exactly been what you call sharp. Or any good. Apart from Wilkinson.
44 min: Wilkinson scythes Hazard and Chelsea have a free-kick around 35 yards out. It's aimed at no one in particular and Stoke clear. Wilkinson was close to another booking. If he is sent off I'll at the very least have to change the caption, so let's hope he calms down.
42 min: The ball bounces along the edge of the area, practically screaming "Hit me firmly into Cech's midriff." Whelan takes up the challenge and hits the ball firmly into Cech's midriff.
40 min: ... it's a good free-kick and Stoke react quickly to clear the danger. Cole picks the ball up about 35 yards out and shoots very high and extremely wide.
39 min: There's some general booing round the ground. There's so many booing targets: Terry, Benítez, Torres, Wilkinson's omission from the Fifa team of the year that I'm not sure who it's directed at. Oh. Wilkinson is booked and Chelsea have a free-kick on the right-hand side of the box. Mata takes ...
36 min: Chances! Ba fights off (I think) Shawcross but Begovic makes a smart save at his near post. Ramires wins the ball and Wilkinson makes a great block. I don't want to take credit for the game that will eventually lead to a £45m move to Barcelona but Wilkinson has been very good since I honoured with a picture at the top of the MBM. He's never scored for Stoke, by the way. He will by the end of the match.
34 min: Two attacks in around two minutes which is as close to end to end action as this match has got so far. The ball's cleared by Chelsea and as the ball is floated towards Cole for a no doubt sumptuous volley Walter sticks out a leg and makes a vital, excellent clearance. Oh well, no goals but there have been some excellent clearances.
31 min: Etherington dispossesses Azpilicueta and charges down the wing. His pass picks out Jones in the area but his shot is blocked.
29 min: Ramires returns the compliment and counter-clatters Adam. It's a fine, legal challenge, mind. Luiz strolls forward but the move breaks down when Bertrand fouls Walters.
27 min: Ramires is semi-clattered by Adam but shakes off the knock and is OK to carry on.
26 min: GOA...oh. Lampard has a one-on-one with Begovic and 98% of viewers including me assume it's a goal but the keeper sticks out his right leg and produces a wonderful save.
23 min: "I have a libelous joke about John Terry," says Bill Clarke. "Can I tell it?" Yes, you can. Ha! That's good. But obviously unprintable. You'll never guess what: Stoke have a set-piece. Walters sets himself up for a wonderful volley – which he volleys into his own face.
20 min: Chelsea can't find a way to breaks Stoke's hold on the game, and the hosts win another corner. Everytime Huth and Shawcross rumble up for set pieces, Chelsea shake. Cech gets to the cross though.
17 min: Another chance for Stoke: Nzonzi's back header ends up in the arms of Cech.
16 min: Stoke have had the better chances in this game (and 52% of the possession). A long ball forward from our pictorial hero, Wilkinson, leads to a free-kick for the home team. Stoke can't get their heads to it and Chelsea clear for a corner.
12 min: Corner to Stoke. At this point I am legally obliged to point out their danger at set pieces. Ivanovic was listening to me and clears. "Looking at the photo of gorgeous, pouting Andy Wilkinson I notice two things," says Alec McAulay. "a) a nasty bump on his forehead (administered by Robert Huth, I think) b) with the famous red and white striped strip, the adidas stripes down the sleeves and the stripey, stripey badge we must be the stripiest team in the country. So proud."
10 min: Lampard sprays a lovely ball out wide to Azpilicueta. Stoke close him down in the area though. Luiz is down and clutching his back. No one seems to bothered and he's left on his own until Lampard comes to check he's OK. A bit of love is all he needed and he's up again.
8 min: Chance for Stoke! Wilkinson's shot deflects off a Chelsea defender and falls at the feet of Jones. His shot is screwed wide. He should have scored. "Funny point by Matt Dony, but didn't Martin Samuel famously get awarded with a cool half-million pound annual salary when he jumped ship from The Times to The Daily Mail?" asks Ryan Dunne (yep, he's alive and well). "Surely that amount of bank would be worth compromising one's journalistic principles for (hell, maybe swan-eating gay asylum seekers ARE damaging property prices!)" I am yet to get a £500k offer so can't discuss any temptation or lack thereof.
5 min: Ba in space on the left. He's booed by the Stoke fans, a bit harsh seeing as it was Stoke that didn't want him. Talking of booing. "The game at Chelsea 50 years ago featured Sir Stanley Matthews who was marked by a very young Chopper Harris," says Ian Burch. "Chopper was booed by the crowd for his, shall we say, over physical approach to facing Sir Stan. He defended his tackling by saying that Matthews spent a lot of the time on the floor as his arthritis was playing at."
3 min: Corner for Chelsea and Stoke clear. More good work from Ramires to win the ball back though. He has definitely been one of the best nine players on the pitch in the first five minutes.
1 min: And we're off. John Terry is shown on the bench, smiling. I have had a few emails about him that can't be printed for legal reasons already. It was dull while he was away. Ramiries charges into the box and Shawcross blocks his shot.
"May I request that you ignore Ryan Dunne's inevitable email attempting to shoehorn a mention of his favourite fourth-rate bunch of chancers into this feature," asks Alec McAulay. Actually I haven't had an email from Ryan today. I'm worried about him. "As a Stoke fan in exile it's enormously vexing to find a rare appearance in an mbm hijacked by a bluenose. Also, let's see if we can find something to talk about other than Rafa.
"It's nearly 50 years since a Stoke team of old geezers went down to Stamford Bridge and beat Tommy Docherty's bright young lads 1-0: we won the 2nd division that year - with 53 points! (from 42 games - a record low...)" Middlesbrough were an exciting team that season though...
"Re: defending one's castle," says Matt Dony. "Is that a subtle message that you'd rather be writing for the Daily Mail than the Guardian? Defending blowing burglars away with a massive shotgun?" No I was defending blowing away brigands not burglars. And you'd do it with a huge crossbow, not a shotgun. They haven't been invented yet.
Gary Cahill, by the way, is absent as he is attending the birth of his son.
"Those 'ace slits' you pour boiling oil on your enemies are called 'Murder holes,'" says Shane in Dubliun. "I know, cool name if you're into , like, murder and stuff." Murder's a bit harsh, if someone broke into your castle in the middle ages trying to steal your pigs and straw they deserved everything they got.
The teams are in. Torres and Terry are both on the bench. Cech's back in goal while David Luiz reverts to defence after his mini-break in midfield.
Stoke City: Begovic; Cameron, Shawcross (c), Huth, Wilkinson; Walters, Whelan, Nzonzi, Etherington; Adam; Jones. Subs: Sorensen, Whitehead, Upson, Kightly, Crouch, Shotton, Jerome.
Chelsea: Cech; Azpilicueta, Ivanovic, Luiz, Cole; Hazard, Lampard (c), Ramires, Bertrand; Mata, Ba. Subs: Turnbull, Torres, Oscar, Ferreira, Marin, Terry, Ake
I'm not sure what disgusts me more. Jermaine Pennant's Fantasy team name or the fact that the penpushers at the White House have pulled out of of an $850 quadrillion plan to build the Death Star. What are we going to do now if Neptune starts getting feisty?
John Terry is likely to play a part at some stage after a two-month absence through injury while Demba Ba returns to the club that rejected him after a failed medical two years ago this week. In retrospect a bit of a mistake.
Hullo! I've been getting into hullo recently. It's something a spirited pupil might say in a 50s boarding school. A pupil up to pranks. Anyway, in a subject no way related to 50s boarding schools, Chelsea travel to Stoke today after - an FA Cup thumping of Southampton apart – a slumpy January.
Stoke isn't the best place to travel either - they're yet to lose at home in the league this season and it's a well known fact that the Britannia Stadium actually has those ace slits down which you pour boiling oil on any enemies.