Full-time: Real Madrid 3-1 Schalke (7-2 on aggregate)
And that’s it, Schalke falling just short! Night!
90 min+1: There will be two more minutes of this.
90 min: Hoogland shoots from the edge of the area but doesn’t get a deflection and drags it well wide.
88 min: This could have been much worse for Schalke. They’re 9-2 down on aggregate.
87 min: Isco is so good at football. He’s found on the left by Morata and then brilliantly goes past two Schalke defenders, only to blaze high and wide from eight yards out. Great skill, great miss.
83 min: This is quite funny. Ronaldo still hasn’t got his hat-trick. He burst clear on the left, steadied himself and shoots low against the left post. And he’s dejected. He looks like he’s just been told his childhood pet has died.
81 min: Schalke replace Kaan Ahyan with Anthony Annan. And now Morata is trying to set up Bale. He whips a low cross to the near post, where Bale surprisingly slashes wide of the far post with his left foot.
80 min: Bale’s free-kick doesn’t beat the wall.
79 min: Draxler tries to hit back for Schalke. He drops inside and shoots, Casillas saving with his feet. From there, Real break. Bale is far too quick and strong for Papadopoulous on the right and the Greek desperately drags him back just outside the area, earning a booking.
GOAL! Real Madrid 3-1 Schalke (Morata, 75 min; agg 9-2)
Real score for the second time in a minute and it’s another assist for Gareth Bale. Although Alvaro Morata did his very best not to score. He was sent clear by Bale, but shot too close to Fahrmann, who blocked. The rebound came to Ronaldo on the left and he crashed the ball against the bar from an angle. The ball fell to Bale and instead of shooting he unselfishly rolled it back to Morata. Six yards out, this time he had to score. And he did. That’s Bale’s 16th assist for Real.
GOAL! Real Madrid 2-1 Schalke (Ronaldo, 74 min; agg 8-2)
What a goal. Cristiano Ronaldo scores for the 13th time in the Champions League this season. He is ridiculous. Just when the game seemed to be drifting, he strikes. Real broke, Bale winning possession on the halfway line. He was blocked but the ball broke to Ronaldo, who was suddenly running at full pace. He withstood an attempt to bring him down, shifted the ball right and then belted it past Fahrmann as Matip backtracked furiously.
73 min: “Does any footballer wear “old fashioned” black boots anymore?” says Michael Meagher. “Are they even made anymore?” Roberto Soldado was the only player on the pitch wearing black boots when Tottenham played Aston Villa in October.
71 min: Ronaldo, then. On the right of the area, he draws back his right foot to shoot but just as he’s about to pull the trigger, his left foot gets in the way, the ball skitters off behind for a goal-kick and he falls over in a red-faced heap. Happens to the best of us. Some solace for Sunday League footballers everywhere.
70 min: Carvajal replaces Sergio Ramos.
66 min: A Ronaldo free-kick that’s deflected wide by the wall, that’s what’s coming.
65 min: Brilliant skill from Coentrao, who lifts the ball over a Schalke defender and then feeds Morata. He shimmies past another defender but his cross is clawed away by Fahrmann. Real keep attacking, though, and Ramos is fouled 25 yards out from a central position. You know what’s coming.
64 min: Schalke are running out of time.
61 min: Isco’s corner from the right is headed away as far as Illarramendi, whose heatseeking volley from 25 yards is met by a Schalke volley. That might have been going on.
58 min: Illarramendi receives the first booking for holding Draxler. He was close to pulling down the German’s shorts, so tightly was he gripping him.
57 min: The injured Howedes goes off to be replaced by Kyriakos Papadopoulos.
55 min: It’s Real Madrid v Fahrmann now. Ronaldo charges down the left flank, away from Matip, who just about manages to hold him up. Ronaldo then plays the ball across to Isco, who leaves a defender on the floor and attempts to sit Fahrmann down and lift the ball over him. Fahrmann isn’t having it, though, and blocks. The rebound falls to Bale but he curls well over from the edge of the area.
54 min: Real have a decent shout for a penalty, Howedes catching Morata’s heel in the area. The Russian referee wasn’t interested, though. On the one hand, Morata’s touch was quite loose and the ball was running away from him after a cross from Nacho; on the other, there was contact.
51 min: Morata slides a pass to Isco on the left of the Schalke area. He reaches it before Matip and shows off some dainty footwork, winning a corner. Real take it short and Isco hangs a high cross to the far post. Ramos heads it back across goal and Ronaldo heads it downwards, towards goal, only for Fahrmann to somehow divert it over. Another fine save.
49 min: A free-kick to Schalke on the right, Coentrao fouling Morata. Draxler clips it in and Morata heads behind for a corner. Draxler swings that in too, leading to a spot of flapping from Casillas. A spot of pinball ensues but Real get it clear.
46 min: Real are making a change at half-time, Casemiro replacing Xabi Alonso. Schalke have taken off Huntelaar and brought on Adam Szalai, once of Real Madrid B. “They’ll never get those five goals if they don’t BELIEVE!!!” says Ian Bauer. “Come on, Schalke. Choose to BELIEVE. Choose life. Choose to ignore all evidence of how crap you might be on the pitch. Choose to disregard the woeful tactical decisions. The substitutions that come 15 minutes too late. Learn to enjoy the official club noodles, the taste of which are reminiscent of past glory. Choose to adore Comedy Bonce, the gargantuan midfielder that your manager insisted on buying who looked better at bleeding all over himself on the sidelines on Sunday than he has all season on the pitch. Indulge in the fantasy that things will get better. Wait. What are we talking about again?”
Half-time: Real Madrid 1-1 Schalke (7-2 on aggregate)
Schalke have done half the job. Just five more goals!
45 min+2: Real could do with waking up. Meyer volleys a cracking ball through to Draxler on left of the Real area. He’s through on goal but takes a milli-second too long, allowing Nacho to recover. Draxler cuts back inside and tees up Huntelaar, who leans back and blazes miles over.
45 min: Now Draxler sends a 30-yard effort into orbit.
44 min: Real are playing at about 60%. Obasi batters a drive well over. Schalke could probably score another goal.
43 min: There are suggestions that Jese has suffered cruciate ligament damage. He’s off for a scan.
42 min: Huntelaar rattles one over from 25 yards. He’s not giving up the fight. He should probably give up the fight. All that effort and for what?
40 min: In the grand scheme of things, this probably isn’t a particularly significant miss from Huntelaar, but it is still a poor miss. Real lost possession in their own half sloppily and Meyer slipped a pass through to Huntelaar. With Real not alive to the danger, he ran through but sent a slithering shot past the advancing Casillas and the left post.
39 min: Coentrao scampers down the left flank and sends a low cross into the area. Matip manages to get a foot on the ball, forcing Morata to check and find Nacho on the right. Faced by Kolasinac, he shoots straight at Fahrmann.
36 min: A corner to Real on the left. Isco sends it in, Ronaldo heads on and Ramos heads tamely at the overworked Fahrmann.
35 min: Now Fahrmann denies Morata. But he should have scored. Isco fired a pass into Ronaldo on the edge of the area and he sent Morata through with a gorgeous flick. Fahrmann came out quickly but also went down eagerly, meaning that the opportunity was there for Morata to dink it over him with his left foot. Instead he tried to poke it past him with his right and Fahrmann saved. That’s the second time that Morata has been unwilling to use his left foot. “If results go their way United could actually have the league sewn up with a game to spare, leaving them free to rest players for the Champions League Final,” says Simon McMahon. I’ve been saying it all season: Liverpool will finish fourth, United will finish 11th and win the Champions League.
33 min: Real immediately attempt to regain their lead. Isco drops a shoulder on the left of the area, cuts inside and bends one towards the far corner. It’s a decent effort and forces Fahrmann to punch over. The corner leads to nothing.
GOOOOOOAALLLLLL!!!!!!! GOOOOALLLLLLLLL!!!!!! Real Madrid 1-1 Schalke (Hoogland, 31 min; 7-2 agg)
This. Is. On. Tim Hoogland strides through the middle and hits a tame right-footer from 25 yards out. It’s surely not going to trouble Casillas but Ramos sticks out a foot and ends up diverting the ball into the bottom-right corner. Casillas didn’t have a chance. Schalke need five more goals to take this to extra-time. It’s on!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
30 min: Now Ronaldo is staring daggers at Morata. The striker should set up Ronaldo but instead hangs on to the ball too long and shooting instead. It’s blocked.
29 min: “All of the exhortations to Schalke fans to just “believe” (24th/25thminutes), it’s almost as if you’re talking to all of the despondent United supporters out there who foolishly hold on to hope that Moyesiah will come good (yours truly included), when we all know he won’t,” says Ian Bauer. “ Sad face.”
I still think United will win the league. It’s a mathematic possibility, isn’t it?
28 min: And it should be 15 assists for Bale! He’s released on the right flank, speeds effortlessly past Matip and pokes the ball into the middle with the outside of his left foot. Morata is steaming in but has none of Ronaldo’s earlier composure, horribly shanking wide with his right foot. That’s a bad miss from the young striker.
27 min: Gareth Bale, by the by, has 14 goals and 14 assists for Real.
26 min: The Schalke fans are still making a racket though. They’re going to enjoy their big night out no matter what. I’m guessing they’ve been making the most of the Madrid’s various public taverns all day.
25 min: Schalke just need to believe. This isn’t over. It’s not over. They can do this.
24 min: Believe.
GOAL! Real Madrid 1-0 Schalke (Ronaldo, 21 min; agg 7-1)
Kolasinac probably isn’t feeling too clever now. His foul on Jese meant that Gareth Bale stepped off the bench and the Welsh winger has just created the opener for Cristiano Ronaldo. Smart move from Kolasinac and a smart move from Real. This was a slickly worked goal. Morata had not done too much until now but he opened up the Schalke defence with a surgical pass through to Bale on the right. He slid the ball into the six-yard box and Ronaldo doesn’t miss from there. He now has 12 goals in the Champions League this season. The record in a single season, set by Leo Messi, is 14 goals.
19 min: Ronaldo falls under a challenge from Obasi but the referee awards Schalke a free-kick - Obasi got a toe-end on the ball and Ronaldo, thinking he had been fouled, immediately grabbed it. And that’s handball.
17 min: Alonso sprays a lovely pass out to Nacho on the right. He controls it and immediately has to jump over another hefty challenge from Kolasinac, whose mission tonight is to injure every Real player. Nacho, though, sees him coming and steps round him. His cross leads to nothing.
15 min: Bale gets his first touch and is promptly sent flying by Draxler, who makes an unlikely hatchet man. Schalke’s physical approach is the last thing Real need with Barcelona to come on Sunday. Alonso whips the free-kick to the far post, where they’re queuing up –Ramos takes it off Varane’s head and nods well over.
14 min: “As always, this will no doubt be an interesting and hilarious MBM,” lies Bruce Bailey. “However, why do you always feel the need to point out to readers who cannot see the pitch (I myself can barely read the font on my computer screen) which colours the teams are playing in. Though I would hate to get to the 90th minute and realise I’ve been imagining it wrong all this time.” It makes you feel like you’re there, which is what we’re aiming for. And I assume people like to know.
13 min: Obasi twists left. He turns right. He shoots. Ramos blocks. Schalke aren’t playing badly. Believe.
10 min: “I see there’s been an early goal in tonight’s other MBM,” says Paul Doyle. “Mr Doyle trying to show you who’s boss early doors?”
He’s sitting to my left with a smug grin on his face. So here’s what we do, guys: I want you all to email him complimenting him on his striped shirt. But don’t say I sent you.
8 min: Schalke mean business. They’re here to cause problems. It’s 0-0! It’s 0-0! It’s not 6-1, it’s 0-0, it’s all to play for. On the edge of the area, Huntelaar swivels and sends a hefty drive straight at Casillas. Real then make their change. Kolasinac’s reward for knacking Jese is to spend an evening marking Gareth Bale. He probably hasn’t thought this through.
7 min: The key for Schalke is not to attack too early. As Clive Tyldesley would say, they’ll have half the job done if they can get to 0-0 at half-time. Then Real will be in trouble. Just like Bayern were. That’s maths. Meanwhile Jese has now disappeared down the tunnel but Real haven’t made their change.
5 min: Real are down to 10 men for the time being. Jese is now hobbling around on the side of the pitch, so at least he doesn’t need the stretcher. “Come now Jacob, I’m eagerly awaiting this MBM, and I’m hardly the sort of guy who’d follow/email any old rubbish in the hope of seeing his name in lights!!!” parps Ryan Dunne.
4 min: The stretcher has been called. It was a stupid challenge from Kolasinac, who tried to rough-house the youngster, show him who’s boss, show him who’s the big man.
2 min: An early problem for Jese. He scampers down the right flank and is flattened by a ludicrous barge from Kolasinac, who then lands on the youngster’s knee. The youngster looks to be in considerable pain.
Peep! Real Madrid, all in white and kicking from left to right, get this match going. Schalke are in green shirts and black shorts. Their fans are noisy. They’re making this sound like a home game, which therefore means any goals for Real will be counted as away goals.
Here come the teams. It is on!
“To make the night interesting you need to set a different (non goal scoring) target such as: the amount of throw ins they have or which left back spits the most,” says Danny Marsh. “Then you have a real competition on your hands. And excitement.”
Persons of interest
The Clasico is on Sunday, so Carlo Ancelotti has rested several key players for Real Madrid. But Cristiano Ronaldo will still be scoring a goal or six.
Real Madrid: Casillas; Nacho, Varane, Sergio Ramos, Fabio Coentrao; Alonso, Isco, Illarramendi; Ronaldo, Morata, Jese. Subs: Fernandez, Pepe, Marcelo, Carvajal, Bale, Casemiro, Di Maria.
Schalke 04: Fahrmann; Howedes, Matip, Kolasinac, Hoogland; Meyer, Draxler, Ayhan, Neustadter, Obasi Ogbuke; Huntelaar. Subs: Hildebrand, Goretzka, Boateng, Papadopoulos, Szalai, Max, Annan.
Referee: Sergei Karasev (Russia)
Evening. Some questions for you to ponder.
- Are Schalke going to cause the greatest upset of all time?
- Are they going to overhaul a 6-1 deficit from the first leg?
- Do they deserve to be on the same pitch as Real Madrid?
- Is there any point to this match?
But are we going to have fun anyway?