It's all over. Plenty of excitement, plus quizes, misses and animals of the family Giraffidae. Thanks for your emails and your company, enjoy the rest of your weekend. Bye!
Palace storm out of the bottom three courtesy of their win against Stoke – they're now 16th.
And nobody spotted that the third quiz picture was taken earlier today at Elland Road.
Final whistles sound across the land. If you'd like to follow Liverpool v Aston Villa, Scott Murray will be doing the honours here.
GOAL! West Ham 1-3 Newcastle
That's a tasty free-kick, curled by Cabaye into the near post. A flying Adrian gets a hand to it, but can't keep it out.
GOAL! Man City 4-2 Cardiff (Campbell 90)
A corner from the left is missed by everyone at the near post, and Campbell taps in, six yards out and unmarked, in the middle. Ludicrously poor defending, not that it matters.
Hull finish with 10 men at Norwich, after Tom Huddlestone is shown a second yellow card.
Terrible miss at Arsenal!
Szczesny comes to claim a long through-ball, but Darren Bent nips in, runs after the ball, reaches it beyond the far post, spears his shot wide and is then taken out by Mertesacker. Bent's miss was understandable, if a bit ugly; Lee Probert's was pretty dismal.
GOAL! Norwich 1-0 Hull (Ryan Bennett, 87)
A big goal, mainly because it means that at least one memorable thing has happened in the match.
The comeback starts here!
Reading 7-1 Bolton (David Ngog, 88). Come on lads, chins up – there's still two minutes left!
The latest on Norwich v Hull courtesy of Phil Thompson on Sky: "It's been absolutely dreadful … the referee should send them all off."
Aston Villa, meanwhile, will line up thus:
The late match today is between Liverpool and Aston Villa, and the teams are trickling in:
Can we stop now please dept
The latest from the Madejski: Reading 7 (Nick Blackman 78) Bolton 0
GOAL! Man City 4-1 Cardiff (Agüero, 79)
Touré has the assist this time, finding Agüero with a pass from inside his own half. The Argentinian controls the ball five yards outside the penalty area, carries it forward, turns some hapless defender this way and that and then slaps it into the net.
"Perhaps I can resolve the Marc Willis/Matt Dony affair," writes David Hilmy. "The okapi, native to the Ituri Rainforest in the Democratic Republic of the Congo, has "hooped" legs and is indeed, other than giraffes, the only other species still extant in the family Giraffidae!"
GOAL! Man City 3-1 Cardiff (Yaya Touré, 77)
A Cardiff attack breaks down and Touré steals the ball, 15 yards inside his own half, runs about 50 yards without being challenged, plays a quick one-two with Agüero and then shoots low, left-footed and successfully from the edge of the area.
"Please tell Mark Willis that giraffes don't have stripey legs," tell-us-something-we-don't-knows Tony Sutton. "Maybe he's thinking of an okapi..."
Chance for Arsenal!
Podolski, just on for Gnabry, is set up by Wilshere but his shot is deflected wide by a desperate diving defender.
This just in from the statistics-you-could-probably-have-lived-without department:
Anderson has told Fiorentina's website this: "The team look after me, everyone is trying to help me adapt to Italian football. I appreciate what everyone is doing for me, it's very nice."
Cardiff nearly score again!
It's Noone again, and it would have been an absolute beauty – he twirls past one challenge, skips over another, runs about 70 yards, cuts inside and hits a low, hard shot from 25 yards that is tipped wide of the near post.
"Is Marc Willis under the impression that giraffes are striped? And, anyway, aren't those hoops? And, is it this kind of pedantry that causes people to hate me?" asks Matt Dony. All good questions. Meanwhile at Upton Park, Andy Carroll is not just not injured, he is now on the pitch as a subsitute.
GOAL! Arsenal 2-0 Fulham (Cazorla, 62)
A cross from the left is headed unconvincingly clear and Cazorla, 23 yards out, takes a touch to control and then shoots low into the bottom right corner.
Inexplicable delayed goalflash: West Ham 1 (Mike Williamson og 45) Newcastle 2
I don't know why I didn't notice when this happened, presumably because of all the excitement that is half-time. But Carlton Cole just missed an excellent chance to equalise, heading wide from Taylor's cross.
GOAL! Arsenal 1-0 Fulham (Cazorla, 57)
Fulham had been doing a fine job of frustrating their league-leading opponents, but the breakthrough has been made: Cazorla cuts in from the left flank, plays the ball to Giroud, who taps it first-time to Wilshere, who lays it back to Cazorla, who had kept on running and stretches to bash the ball in from 10 yards.
I've just seen Andy Carroll warming up on the Upton Park touchline, so talk of his comedy injury was apparently premature (it wasn't me, it was Charlie Nicholas on Sky).
GOAL! Crystal Palace 1-0 Stoke City (Puncheon, 50)
Last week's humiliating penalty-missing villain has come good for Palace.
Andy Carroll injury latest: Carroll hasn't made it back out after the interval, having apparently reinjured himself while sitting on the bench in the first half.
Transfer latest: While we've been on air, Fiorentina have announced the loan signing of Manchester United midfielder Anderson.
West Ham have brought on Ravel Morrison at half-time, in place of Jack Collison.
"Good Lord, who put those striped socks on Peter Crouch?" wonders Marc Willis. "Makes him look like the world's first footballing giraffe." Here's a picture of them to help you judge for yourself.
Disappointingly the BBC are reeling off reports from around the grounds, and showing absolutely no studio-based fisticuffs. No matter, here's a photograph for you.
So, it's half-time, and you may want to entertain yourself by checking out our gallery of today's very finest footballish photographs.
"Glenville Adam James Le Fondre, the most romantic and exotic name in t̶h̶e̶ ̶u̶n̶i̶v̶e̶r̶s̶e̶ British football?" asks Michael Cosgrove. It's a stylish name, no doubt about it. Any rivals?
Unsurprising scoreflash: Real Betis 0-3 Real Madrid (Benzema). That might be enough Real Madrid goalflashes now.
As half-time whistles start to sound, I'm hearing reports (thanks, Eoin Price) that the BBC's interactive goalflash service is being enlivened by a Garth Crooks-Robbie Savage hate-in. Obviously, I've turned over.
Unsurprising goalflash: Celtic 2-0 Motherwell (Kris Commons penalty)
Reading are now 4-0 up, thanks to a Pogrebnyak penalty. Meanwhile, this just in from the unlikely statistical coincidence dept:
Fastest hat-trick of the day
Adam Le Fondre has scored his third goal against Bolton with just 33 minutes on the clock. It's 3-0 at the Madejski.
"I’ve got to sympathise with any Morecambe fans making the 300 mile journey to Exeter only for the match to be postponed just an hour before kick-off!" notes Pete. I've seen some pictures of the pitch, and it was very emphatically waterlogged. But it must have been quite the downpour: Exeter City's Twitter feed went from "quite soggy" and "there's a chance we'll need a pitch inspection" to "rain really coming down" to "really saturated" and "game off" with surprising speed.
GOAL! Manchester City 2-1 Cardiff (Jesús Navas, 34 mins)
Manchester City's 101st goal of the season comes after Yaya Touré releases Dzeko with a 50-yard outside-of-the-boot pass, and the striker selfishly chooses to shoot even though there are a couple of players in front of him and a couple of unmarked teammates to his right. The ball deflects off the legs of one of those defenders, straight to one of those teammates, who thrashes it in from 18 yards.
GOAL! West Ham 0-2 Newcastle (Rémy, 33mins)
Another decent goal, that one. A right-wing cross, and Rémy is gloriously, ludicrously unmarked to chest down and poke in.
GOAL! Man City 1-1 Cardiff (Noone, 29mins)
That was very fine indeed. Noone is played in on the right, bursts into the penalty area, dummies inside Kompany with glorious ease and slips the ball in at the near post.
"In response to Colin Flint (3.19pm), I really, really, really hope he isn't there to watch Downing," writes Owen Parsons. Oh dear lord, no.
Unsurprising goalflash: Real Betis 0-2 Real Madrid (Gareth Bale)
Ooooh! Sidwell's 20-yarder very nearly dips under the Arsenal crossbar. Szczesny tips the ball over.
Ramirez and Lovren, the two Southampton players simultaneously stretchered off in the early kick-off, have both been hospitalised, apparently.
Radio 5 Live are reporting "a pocket of disorder" among the Cardiff fans in Manchester. I don't really know what he's referring to, but they say "stewards and police are trying to separate the troublemakers". "I see Roy Hodgson us at the West Ham v Newcastle game," writes Colin Flint. "Who on earth could he be watching? Is he hoping for 30 minutes of Andy Carroll? Surely he knows that Nolan is suspended and that Cabaye is French?" Um, Carlton Cole?
GOAL! West Ham 0-1 Newcastle United (Cabaye, 17min)
Gouffran runs into West Ham's half from the left and once he reaches the edge of the penalty area passes inside to Cabaye, who takes a touch and then hits the ball, not particularly clearly, into the bottom right corner.
GOAL! Man City 1-0 Cardiff (Dzeko, 14min)
Cardiff's players are narked, claiming a handball in the build-up, I think, rather than that the ball didn't cross the line. It was a horribly mishit shot from Dzeko, but the goalkeeper had been drawn to his near post by Silva's run to the byline, and there was nobody to clear his spinning effort, at least not until it was too late.
Not entirely surprising goalflashes: Real Betis 0-1 Real Madrid (Cristiano Ronaldo); Celtic 1-0 Motherwell (Kris Commons).
Arsenal have a shot cleared off the line by the returning Hangeland, having made a very strong start.
Manchester City could have had a first-minute penalty, as Silva slid the ball across the area and Dzeko collapsed under McNaughton's challenge. Matt Le Tissier on Sky is incandescent, convinced that it was a penalty. I'm not convinced, personally.
It's 3pm, and across the land action is under way. West Ham have already had a shot, but Noble's effort slides wide.
The second picture quiz was easier than I hoped. Apparently the stilt-wearing band are sporting the livery of a popular local department store, and Nick Parker, Philip Goff and Thomas Swann all got the answer right in no time at all – it was Norwich's own Carrow Road. So we'll do one more, probably the last…
Angus Chisholm, Ben Jackson and, probably, Kevin Josling have all correctly identified the club with the £3 programmes as Millwall. So, where are we now?
"I dreamed about the Clockwatch last night," says Patrick Michael Hull, with whom a decent psychologist could, I fear, have a field day. "Having scored a hat-trick for Southampton in a 7-1 demolition of West Ham, the first thing I did after leaving the pitch was to look up the MBM to see how the goals had been reported. As mundane football dreams go it wasn't quite as bad as the one where I had a ten minute substitute appearance for Fulham and was so hopelessly out of my depth that Scott Parker was giving me heartbreakingly pitying looks toward the end. Which probably reclassifies that as a nightmare." Crikey. And by the way, Patrick, no, it's not Portsmouth.
Just for fun, unless I find something genuinely exciting and unwanted lying around the office. This is a live photo rolling in from one of today's English league fixtures. Name the game:
Oh when the teams come marching in…
The Premier League team sheets are in, and this is what they tell us:
Arsenal v Fulham
Arsenal: Szczesny, Sagna, Mertesacker, Koscielny, Monreal, Flamini, Wilshere, Gnabry, Ozil, Cazorla, Giroud. Subs: Rosicky, Podolski, Oxlade-Chamberlain, Fabianski, Jenkinson, Gibbs, Park.
Fulham: Stekelenburg, Riether, Burn, Hangeland, Richardson, Dejagah, Sidwell, Parker, Kacaniklic, Dempsey, Berbatov. Subs: Riise, Kasami, Stockdale, Karagounis, Duff, Hughes, Bent.
Referee: Lee Probert.
Arsenal make no changes to the side that beat Aston Villa on Monday night, though Rosicky will wear a protective facemask after breaking his nose at Villa Park. Fulham make a few changes from their FA Cup win over Norwich, with Brede Hangeland making his first league start since October.
Crystal palace v Stoke City
Crystal Palace: Speroni, Mariappa, Gabbidon, Delaney, Parr, Bolasie, Ward, Jedinak, Puncheon, Guedioura, Chamakh. Subs: O'Keefe, Gayle, Wilbraham, Williams, Moxey, Price, Bannan.
Stoke: Butland, Cameron, Shawcross, Wilson, Pieters, Whelan, Nzonzi, Walters, Adam, Assaidi, Crouch. Subs: Guidetti, Muniesa, Palacios, Arnautovic, Sorensen, Shotton, Ireland.
Referee: Mark Clattenburg.
Manchester City v Cardiff City
Man City: Hart, Zabaleta, Kompany, Demichelis, Kolarov, Jesus Navas, Toure, Javi Garcia, Silva, Negredo, Dzeko. Subs: Lescott, Milner, Aguero, Clichy, Fernandinho, Pantilimon, Nastasic.
Cardiff: Marshall, Theophile-Catherine, Caulker, Turner, McNaughton, Medel, Noone, Gunnarsson, Mutch, Whittingham, Campbell. Subs: Hudson, Odemwingie, Kim, Eikrem, Lewis, Bellamy, John.
Referee: Neil Swarbrick.
City make seven changes to the side that thrashed Blackburn 5-0 in their midweek FA Cup replay, with Sergio Agüero again on the bench. Cardiff welcome Jordon Mutch back from injury and have their new signing Magnus Wolff Eikrem on the bench.
Norwich City v Hull City
Norwich: Ruddy, Martin, Bassong, Ryan Bennett, Olsson, Snodgrass, Johnson, Fer, Gutierrez, van Wolfswinkel, Hooper. Subs: Whittaker, Pilkington, Bunn, Hoolahan, Becchio, Redmond, Tettey.
Hull: McGregor, Chester, Bruce, Davies, Elmohamady, Livermore, Huddlestone, Koren, Rosenior, Sagbo, Jelavic. Subs: Figueroa, Meyler, Fryatt, Boyd, Harper, Faye, Quinn.
Referee: Howard Webb.
Nikica Jelavic makes his first start for Hull, but Shane Long doesn't make the squad. Liam Rosenior and Robert Koren also come in for the visitors. Norwich make seven changes to the side that lost 3-0 at Fulham in the FA Cup on Tuesday, with Jonas Gutierrez making his debut after joining on loan from Newcastle.
West Ham United v Newcastle
West Ham: Adrian, Rat, Collins, Johnson, Taylor, Collison, Noble, Downing, Diame, Jarvis, Carlton Cole. Subs: Chambers, Carroll, Maiga, Morrison, Diarra, Jaaskelainen, Joe Cole.
Newcastle: Krul, Santon, Williamson, Steven Taylor, Yanga-Mbiwa, Tiote, Anita, Cabaye, Sissoko, Remy, Gouffran. Subs: Cisse, Ben Arfa, Haidara, Elliot, Shola Ameobi, Obertan, Dummett.
Referee: Andre Marriner.
Andy Carroll is on the bench for West Ham, having played the last 18 minutes of last week's win at Cardiff. Newcastle are unchanged after their 2-0 defeat/injustice against Manchester City last weekend.
League Two postponement latest: Exeter won't be playing Morecambe, because it's too wet.
So, what will we be keeping an eye on today, then? There's a quintuplet of Premier League matches, with the division's top two both in action, so we should probably pop those on our list to start with:
- Arsenal v Fulham
- Crystal Palace v Stoke
- Man City v Cardiff
- Norwich v Hull
- West Ham v Newcastle
Championship: The leaders, Leicester, were involved in the lunchtime kick-off at Leeds. The teams in positions two, three, four and five are all at home, with the stand-out fixture the visit of sixth-placed Brighton to fourth-placed Derby.
League One: Leaders Brentford visit sixth-placed Walsall in the match of the day. At the other end of the table, bottom club Stevenage host fourth-bottom Notts County (the referee has given the game the go-ahead after a pitch inspection a couple of hours ago) and would overtake them if they win.
League Two: The bad news first: Newport County v Dagenham and the big battle of the bottom two, Torquay v Northampton, have both been postponed because of waterlogged pitches. That leaves us with third-placed Chesterfield away at fifth-placed Southend as the match of the day, and Phil Brown's boys could vault into the top three if they win (though only if Rochdale don't beat Plymouth at home). The good news for Southend fans, though, particularly if they're prone to chilly fingers:
Scotland: It's first (Celtic) v third (Motherwell) and second (Aberdeen) v fifth (Inverness CT) in the Scottish Premiership.
Foreign: Real Betis play Real Madrid in Spain's token 3pm kick-off. Beyond that … er … it's top v bottom in the Egypt Premier League, with Al Ahly visiting El Raja Marsa Matruh. I say bottom, though actually El Entag El Harby were below El Raja at the start of the day, but as I write the latter are a goal up at fellow strugglers (it's early days in the Egyptian Premier League, mind) El Dakhleya.
All the day's key fixtures in Britain and around Europe (though not the Egyptian Premier League, bizarrely), have been lovingly compiled for you here.
And in further foreign football news, here's former Blackburn Rovers stalwart Brett Emerton, who was afforded a special retirement-style ovation beforee Sydney played Central Coast Mariners overnight. Mrs Emerton was apparently moved to tears by the send-off, and might have blubbed for a second time after watching the Mariners sneak off with a 1-0 win.
Simon will be here from 2pm GMT with all the team news ahead of today's 3pm kick-offs in the Premier League. In the meantime, here's Jacob Steinberg's interview with Mark Noble:
Mark Noble is laughing, even though the conversation has turned to West Ham United's traumatic experience against Manchester City in their Capital One Cup semi-final. Given that the wounds inflicted by City remain raw, it does not feel like a subject that is ripe for comedy at West Ham's training ground, rather one that should be approached with caution.
Yet Noble can see the funny side of losing 6-0 in the first leg of a cup semi-final. There is no point hiding from reality; better teams than West Ham have been thrashed at the Etihad Stadium this season. "It seems to be the phase," Noble says. "You go to City and it's four plus."
He laughs, a little ruefully, shaking his head and shrugging his shoulders. The second leg is at Upton Park on Tuesday and one does not need to read between the lines to know that Noble is not expecting to be part of the greatest comeback of all time. "It makes it horrible for the second leg because you have to give everything," he says. "But you're 6-0 down." Another laugh.
Do not mistake Noble's attitude for defeatism or accuse him of not caring; it is merely an acceptance of reality. Although they might not like admitting it, West Ham know the tie is over and there is not much to be gained from a face-saving exercise. The main focus has always been to avoid a second relegation from the Premier League in the space of four seasons.