And that's yer lot

Cheers for joining me and ignoring the evil BBC. You'll get none of that liberal bias the BBC are sods for at the Guardian.

What?

(Ta ra. Be good to each other.)

FULL-TIME

Crystal Palace 0-3 Newcastle, Fulham 2-4 Manchester City, Manchester United 3-1 West Ham, Stoke 2-1 Aston Villa, Sunderland 0-0 Norwich, West Brom 1-1 Hull.

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Full-times whistles going all around the country. The football is finishing now.

RED CARD

Wes Brown has been sent off for the second time in a few weeks, but it doesn't sound like this one will be rescinded - he went over the ball and sliced Ricky van Wolfswinkel down.

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"They're certainly going for it now," says Chris Kamara of Hull. "They've brought Matty Fryatt on."

Erm....

Apparently the BBC clockwatch is working again, but you're here now, so you might as well stick around.

GOAL - West Brom 1-1 Hull (Vydra)

Matej Vydra's time at the Hawthorns hasn't generally gone that well, but he has a goal now, and it's all level and stuff between the Baggies and the Tigers. Which when written like that, doesn't sound like a terribly fair fight.

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Crystal Palace 0-3 Newcastle (Ben Arfa penalty)

Remember when Newcastle never won in London? Well, they're going to win this one, as sub Hatem Ben Arfa banjaxes one into the top corner from the penalty spot.

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GOAL - Fulham 2-4 Manchester City (Milner)

And continuing the theme of unlikely goalscorers, James Milner has not so much put Fulham to bed, but tucked them in, made them a cup of warm milk and read them a whimsical story.

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GOAL - Manchester United 3-1 (C.Cole)

A consolation for West Ham. Or the start of the GREATEST COMEBACK FOOTBALL HAS EVER SEEN. Well, probably not, but Carlton Cole has a goal at Old Trafford, something that simply does not look right.

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Correction from Neil Goodwin:

It's not 'Ginger', it's Viking Sunset, okay?

At least he didn't say 'strawberry blonde.'

GOAL - Fulham 2-3 Manchester City (Navas)

Topsy-turvey! End-to-end! Goal-fest! Sounds like a belter down at the Cottage, and Jesus Navas has put Manchester City back into the lead, popping the ball through Martin Stekelenberg's legs as they countered. Will they hold on? Well, we don't know yet. Jesus, give us chance to find out...

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Ginger solidarity

GOAL - Manchester United 3-0 West Ham (Young)

'Ashley Young is answering his critics' says Jeff Stelling. Well, I reckon he'd have to turn into a mixture of Puskas and John Charles to fully answer those critics who say he's 'rubbish' and a 'diver'. Still, he's scored for the second game in a row, following up his strike against Stoke in the League Cup by belting home United's third to deliver the final smack onto West Ham's collective bot-bot.

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GOAL - Fulham 2-2 Manchester City (Kompany OG)

Well hot diggedy dawg, it's all-square by the banks of the Thames, and there's more base comedy as Vincent Kompany steadies himself to deal with a cross, swings a lusty foot at the ball and slices it right over Joe Hart.

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GOAL - Stoke 2-1 Villa (Crouch)

Well, that didn't last long. Peter Crouch takes advantage of a huge balls-up by the Villa defence to regain the lead for the Potters.

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That Crystal Palace slapstick I was talking about earlier - Cameron Jerome chips in after wazzooing the ball miles over the bar when under little-to-no pressure.

GOAL - Stoke 1-1 Aston Villa (Kozak)

Villa level things up at the Midlands' premiere wind tunnel as Libor Kozak latches onto an error by Erik Pieters and slots home.

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We'll do our best, Clive Darwell:

Of course the problem with the BBC system going down is that I now have to turn to the random number generator that is the lives scores from the Graun.
Let's see if you can raise the bar on last years effort of trying to tell me Southampton were playing two separate games at the same time.

Fabian Delph sounds like a lucky puppy - he goes into the book for chopping Peter Crouch down, then nearly gives away a penalty for a foul on Charlie Adam. He goes play for Aston Villa though, so he isn't that lucky.

Eat that, Auntie

David writes:

Well, Nick, if you're wondering who the sorry crew turning up at the door might be, it's the fugitives from the BBC live update service which was stunned into silence by the Danny Gabbidon own goal at 15:39.
Don't waste your opportunity to win over a new set of followers, now!

Another injury - Danny Welbeck has some form of knack, and is replaced by Javier Hernandez.

Problems for Sunderland - John O'Shea is prone, holding his collarbone, and it doesn't look too good, by all accounts.

GOAL - Fulham 1-2 Manchester City (Richardson)

Well stone me - Kieran Richardson, about whose existence you would have been forgiven for forgetting unless you were a Fulham season ticket holder, that cousin of his that was in Big Brother or, well, him, has pulled one back for the Cottagers. The start of a storming comeback? Well, probably not, but they've got to keep their spirits up somehow.

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GOAL - Stoke 1-0 Aston Villa (Adam)

Old habits die hard at Stoke - they take the lead through Charlie Adam, who latches onto a knock-down from Peter Crouch from a long ball, and slots it past Brad Guzan.

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A few changes across the country - Saido Berahino replaces Scott Sinclair for West Brom, while Jonathan Parr and Yannick Bolasie are West Brom's subs, coming on for Dean Moxey and Barry Bannan.

And we're back...

The football is starting again. For the second-half. The second-half of the football is starting.

Paul Morris is back:

I don't really have much to say on your laddishness (lad-itude? Did I just make that up?), but the dinner did 'work' inasmuch as she wasn't ill and agreed to see me again. And seeing her tonight also means I passed up the chance to go to Selhurst this afternoon, which is looking like a lucky break, too.

We're all rooting for you, Paul.

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Quiz time

As you contemplate a bleak 15 minutes without any football, why not have a stab at the Guardian football quiz - who are the Santas? Tip: not all of them are Cuddly Ken Bates.

Half-time scores

Crystal Palace 0-2 Newcastle, Fulham 0-2 Manchester City, Manchester United 2-0 West Ham, Stoke 0-0 Aston Villa, Sunderland 0-0 Norwich, West Brom 0-1 Hull.

GOAL - Fulham 0-2 Manchester City (Kompany)

Looks like Manchester City are doing their utmost to dismiss fears of problems away from home - they're 2-0 up after Vincent Kompany converts a Martin Demichelis knock-back. Could be an ugly afternoon for Rene Meulensteen's side.

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Antonio Valencia goes close for Manchester United, missing a decent chance after being set up by Rafael. Meanwhile, Januzaj is booked for diving a few minutes after scoring that goal.

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GOAL - Crystal Palace 0-2 Newcastle (Gabbidon OG)

Well, it looked like Tony Pulis had at least prevented Crystal Palace being a laughing stock, if not exactly guaranteeing their survival, but Danny Gabbidon shows admirable commitment to the slapstick cause by shovelling the ball into his own net and doubling Newcastle's lead. Meanwhile, the rain falls hard on a humdrum corner of south London.

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Ladz

Billy Preston (presumably not the keyboardist and sometime Beatles collaborator, given that he's dead) asks:

Assuming that calling the Newcastle players "massive ladz" for perving on the Palace Crystals wasn't meant as a compliment, would you asking somebody five minutes earlier if his meal 'worked' on his date qualify you as a 'massive lad', too?

Well?

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GOAL - Manchester United 2-0 West Ham (Januzaj)

Woof. Adnan Januzaj doubles United's lead at Old Trafford, cutting inside with a wee shimmy and jazzing the ball into the back of the net.

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Newcastle very nearly let in a comical equaliser, as Tim Krul misses a cross, it comes off Mike Williamson and Vernon Anita clears off the line.

Word from our man at Selhurst

GOAL - West Brom 0-1 Hull (Livermore)

  1. They're flying in now. A counter-attack from Hull gives them the lead over West Brom, as Danny Graham sets Jake Livermore up and the on-loan Spurs midfielder drilled it home.

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GOAL - Manchester United 1-0 West Ham (Welbeck)

And Manchester United take the lead, with Danny Welbeck sticking one past Adrian in the West Ham goal. That's his third goal in United's last two games, although given they were against Aston Villa and West Ham, we're only awarding him 1.5.

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GOAL - Crystal Palace 0-1 Newcastle (Cabaye)

All that perving clearly has done Newcastle some good, as Moussa Sissoko cuts one back to Yohan Cabaye, who popped it into the back of the net via a slight deflection.

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GOAL - Fulham 0-1 Manchester City (Toure)

Yaya, Yaya Yaya, Yaya Yaya, Yaya Yaya Toure puts City ahead at Craven Cottage with a delicious-sounding free-kick that wazzed into the net after thwacking the bar. That sort of thing could only be bettered if it bounced back up and hit the bar again, but you can't have everything.

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BOSH

Mathieu Debuchy hits the post for Newcastle at Crystal Palace. The Newcastle players were apparently perving on the Palace Crystals as they entered the pitch earlier, the massive ladz.

Ravel Morrison's return to Old Trafford was never going to be a quiet, uneventful affair, and the errant youngster has been booked for wiping out Tom Cleverley. Lucky to get away without being sent off, say many observers.

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Long-term readers (OK, those that read last Saturday's clockwatch) might recall a young gent who was asking for advice about what to cook a young lady on a second date.

Well, Paul Morris is back:

I wrote in to last week's clockwatch asking about what to make for dinner on a second date. The mushroom risotto was a success (I think the key was not to be shy with the mushrooms or the gorgonzola…or the woman for whom I was cooking). Just wanted to let you know how it turned out, as I am sure not knowing was bugging you all week.

You're being far too coy, Paul. Did the meal, y'know, 'work', if you catch my drift get my meaning as it were?

"Little Silva" goes close by hitting the bar for Manchester City at Fulham, according to Charlie Nicholas. One assumes he means David Silva, but frankly it could be anything.

Word from Anfield is that the Cardiff fans still haven't left, and are singing their support for Malky Mackay, who reiterated after the game that he would not resign.

Ooof

Early news is that Manchester United have started well against West Ham, but Jonny Evans has taken a boot to the back. Sounds like it smarted, but he should be fine.

Word on Keith Downing from Alan Davis:

What do you mean, Keith Downing sounds "solid, if unspectacular?" I'll have you know his cousin plays guitar with Judas Priest.
All the best.

Reports he is managing today wearing light blue jeans and a leather studded waistcoat are currently unconfirmed.

And we're off...

Football is happening. The games are kicking off. So...

James Thomas asks about Berbatov: 'Any explanation from the club as to why he’s not named today?'

Picked up an injury in training is the official line, I believe. Never mind, just watch this on loop for 90 minutes.

Pictures, come and get yer pictures

Gallery of the best pictures from the football from today thus far? Why yes, this way sir, this way madam.

Liverpool 3-1 Cardiff

Tis all over at Anfield, and Liverpool are top of the table, until Monday night at least after they beat Cardiff 3-1. It looked like it would be a rather heavier defeat at half-time, but it was convincing enough. Malky Mackay waved ta-ra to the Cardiff fans, with Vincent Tan waiting to boot Big Malk out the door, like Tom off of Tom and Jerry being booted out of the house.

Here's how it all panned out.

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Dan Lucas suggests a different Christmas song. Not sure he's really getting into the Yuletide spirit here, but enjoy some Tom Waits nonetheless...

Travis Giblin writes in with some literary talk:

I appreciate your ideas for good Christmas reads. I have just recently finished the seasonal classic A Christmas Carol as well as a new one, Skipping Christmas by John Grisham. So what's next for me? Hercule Poirot's Christmas? Is it worthwhile?

Small crowd at Craven Cottage

Stupid, appalling, disgusting, disgraceful

David Coleman: 1926-2013

Alas I have to puncture the certain joy that reading the Premier League team news has brought you, with the news that David Coleman has died, aged 87. Here's a Joy of Six from a few years ago by Scott Murray, that features the great man, and here's our story about his passing.

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Team news

Crystal Palace v Newcastle

Crystal Palace: Speroni, Mariappa, Gabbidon, Delaney, Moxey, Ward, Jedinak, Puncheon, Bannan, Chamakh, Jerome. Subs: Price, Parr, Campana, Bolasie, Williams, Phillips, Gayle.

Newcastle: Krul, Debuchy, Coloccini, Williamson, Santon, Cabaye, Tiote, Sissoko, Anita, Gouffran, Remy. Subs: Elliot, Yanga-Mbiwa, Haidara, Ben Arfa, Obertan, Shola Ameobi, Cisse.

Fulham v Manchester City

Fulham: Stekelenburg; Riether, Senderos, Hughes, Riise; Dejagah, Karagounis, Parker, Sidwell, Richardson; Taarabt. Subs: Kasami, Ruiz, Kacaniklic, Stockdale, Duff, Amorebieta, Bent.

Manchester City: Hart, Clichy, Kompany (C), Demichelis, Kolarov, Nasri, Fernandinho, Yaya Toure, Silva, Dzeko, Negredo. Subs: Pantilimon, Garcia, Boyata, Milner, Rodwell, Navas, Guidetti.

Manchester United v West Ham

Manchester United: De Gea, Rafael, Evra, Evans, Smalling, Januzaj, Valencia, Jones, Cleverley, Rooney, Welbeck. Subs: Johnstone, Giggs, Hernandez, Young, Fletcher, Kagawa, Büttner.

West Ham: Adrian, Demel, Tomkins, Collins, McCartney, Noble, Morrison, Taylor, Jarvis, Maiga, Diame. Subs: Jaaskelainen, Rat, Collison, O'Brien, Diarra, J.Cole, C.Cole.

Stoke v Aston Villa

Stoke: Begovic; Cameron, Shawcross (c), Wilson, Pieters; Walters, Nzonzi, Arnautovic, Whelan, Assaidi; Crouch. Subs: Sorensen, Muniesa, Pennant, Palacios, Jones, Adam, Wilkinson.

Aston Villa: Guzan, Lowton, Clark, Baker, Herd, Westwood, Albrighton, Weimann, Delph, Tonev, Kozak. Subs: Steer, Bacuna, El Ahmadi, Helenius, Luna, Bowery, Sylla.

Sunderland v Norwich

Sunderland: Mannone, Celustka, Bardsley, Brown, O'Shea, Cattermole, Ki, Larsson, Borini, Giaccherini, Altidore. Subs: Dossena, Gardner, Fletcher, Johnson, Colback, Roberge, Pickford.

Norwich: Ruddy; Whittaker, Turner, Bassong, Olsson; Snodgrass, Fer, Johnson, Redmond; Elmander, Hooper. Subs: Bunn, van Wolfswinkel, Hoolahan, Garrido, Becchio, R Bennett, Josh Murphy.

West Brom v Hull

West Brom: Foster, Jones, McAuley, Olsson, Ridgewell, Morrison, Brunt, Mulumbu, Sessegnon, Long, Sinclair. Subs: Myhill (gk), Yacob, Lugano, Amalfitano, Vydra, Gera, Berahino.

Hull: McGregor, Chester, Bruce, Davies, Elmohamady, Figueroa, Livermore, Huddlestone, Meyler, Sagbo, Graham. Subs: Harper, Rosenior, Koren, Fryatt, McShane, Boyd, Faye.

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Or if reading about football and that isn't what you're after...

...enjoy 'Christmas Day (I Wish I Was Surfing) by Emmy the Great and Tim Wheeler.

While we wait for the team news to come in, have a read of our writers' 10 things to look out for this weekend. Or perhaps David Conn on the owners wreaking havoc with the English game might be more to your tastes. Or maybe Barney Ronay on the joy and wonder of football at Christmas. Take your pick. Or read all of them. It's not like you've got anything better to do.

Good afternoon, and welcome

Manchester United should give West Ham a fearful shoeing. They should recognise that they have a superior collection of players, that they are the Premier League champions, that they are playing at home. They should wipe the floor with a side not so much flirting with the relegation zone, but aggressively backing it into a corner at the office Christmas party, a bottle of Baileys in hand and with a bit of mistletoe suggestively attached to its belt. They should win comfortably. But then again they should have beaten West Brom, Everton and Newcastle, they should be higher in the table than ninth, and they should have appointed a manager who was in any way qualified. Football quite often bites its thumb at 'shoulds', so stay tuned, hopeful Hammers. Hey, maybe Modibo Maiga will continue his rampant goalscoring form, which has seen him find the net in each of his last one games.

Manchester City don't know how to win away from home. Apart from those games they have won away from home. Like against Bayern Munich. However, do Bayern Munich have a player who can do this? Well, yes, probably loads, but they don't have a player who can do that and stand out as so hilariously part of a different class of footballer as Dimitar Berbatov. If Mario Goetze did that, Toni Kroos would shrug and do the same while blindfolded, or something. Anyway, Joe Hart looks like he'll be starting for City, his performance against Leicester in the week clearly impressing Manuel Pellegrini greatly. Or it could be that Costel Pantilimon just isn't that good.

Two of the more unlikely form stories of the last few weeks meet at Selhurst Park, with Crystal Palace – who have won three of the last five – playing Newcastle – five of the last seven – under slate-grey south London skies. Alan Pardew has been preaching patience, while Tony Pulis has been discussing his stable marriage. “I think my wife was hoping I would be having a nice family Christmas,” he said this week. “She was a bit disappointed I took a job that early. But Debs is fine and I’ve been with her since I was 18, so it’s been a long, long relationship.” That's nice.

Big one at the Stadium of Light, with Gus Poyet's Sunderland edging towards Derby's record-low points total, and with fewer than half the games played too! Happy day Mackems, happy day. Depressingly for them they won't be able to haul themselves off the bottom of the table before Christmas, even if they do hand Norwich the beating of their lives. Gus is just thinking of the kids, though. The kids and being able to have a sherry at Christmas.

There will only be one full-time manager on the touchline as West Brom face Hull, but Steve Bruce at least can comfortably fill the pants of two bosses. There is talk of Andre Villas-Boas taking over at the Hawthorns, which would surely be a case of jumping out of the frying pan and into the big vat of vegetable soup bubbling away on the neighbouring hob. Still, he won't be in the dugout today – that particular honour is given to Keith Downing, who I don't know and have never met, but just going on his name, he sounds like a solid, if unspectacular sort.

And finally, Stoke are playing Aston Villa. Sorry, can't think of anything to really say about that.

More other football

Meanwhile, Liverpool are handing out an absolutely frightful battering to Cardiff, with Vincent Tan watching on. At present it's half time, so join Barry Glendenning to find out if Malky Mackay has been sacked during the break and Vicent has taken over.

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Other football

There are games going on right now. QPR v Leicester, for example, which featured the ever-amusing sight of a small animal invading the pitch, in this case a squirrel. Follow the game, and any other adventurous wildlife, here.

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Nick will be here from 2pm.