And that's your lot

Thanks for joining me. Be safe kids and enjoy the rest of your weekend, and indeed if we don't meet again, your lives.

FULL TIME: Arsenal 2-0 Southampton

Artur Boruc dons his big shoes, clown car and bucket that might be full of water but actually contains glitter, and hands Olivier Giroud a goal with some grade-A slapstick.

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Other football

Anne Williams asks: "Just wondering ... will there be an MBM for Bayern Munich vs Borussia Dortmund? 
I'm not getting bored or anything - I mean, I've got the crossword."

Alas not, but can we interest you in one for West Ham v Chelsea? We can? Great! Join Scott Murray for the fun here.

GOAL! Arsenal 2-0 Southampton (Giroud pen)

Giroud sticks the spot kick away, and wraps up the points for the Gooners. A couple of gifts for the handsome Frenchman.

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Slow coaches

The only Premier League game still to finish at Arsenal, and OH WAIT THERE'S A PENALTY FOR ARSENAL.

FULL TIME: Newcastle 2-1 Norwich

Despite a second half comeback from Norwich, Newcastle hold on to secure the 2-1 win. The pineapple juices are on Alan Pardew tonight.

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FULL TIME: Hull 0-1 Crystal Palace

A win! A win! A win for Crystal Palace! What scenes as Palace claim their second win of the season by beating Hull through a Barry Bannan goal. Tony Pulis silently pulling the strings, no doubt.

FULL TIME: Stoke 2-0 Sunderland

All over at the Britannia, as goals from Nzonzi and Adam hand Stoke a home win over Sunderland. Gus picks up the pool of clothes that gathered around him as the game progressed.

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FULL TIME: Fulham 1-2 Swansea

And that's that at Craven Cottage. Fulham lose again - that's their fourth defeat in a row, and their eighth in the league. They'll stay in the relegation zone.

CHANCE!

Shelvey muffs one for Swansea at Fulham, according to Charlie Nicholas because he was trying to be 'too clever.'

Erm....actually, we're going to leave that.

Tacticz

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GOA...oh no it's been disallowed

Papiss Cisse has the ball in the net for Newcastle, but his celebrations are cut short after being flagged offside. Chris Kamara tells us it was finished "with a plum." Crikey.

Saviour returns!

Theo Walcott's on at Arsenal, which surely means the World Cup is in the bag for England.

Missing the point?

Seamus Devling writes:

"To pick out Harald Brattbakk's tackling seems to rather miss the point when he more famously couldn't score in a well never mind. He's a pilot now. Mile high club? Prolly not"

GOAL! Hull 0-1 Crystal Palace (Bannan)

Holy hell. What witchcraft is this? Ten-man Crystal Palace are ahead at Hull, Barry Bannan tapping in to put the worst team in the league ahead.

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GOAL! Stoke 2-0 Sunderland (Nzonzi)

Gus meekly puts his socks back on as Steven Nzonzi doubles Stoke's lead at the Britannia.

RED CARD!

Another debatable one, by the sounds of things. Yannick Bolasie has been sent off, and according to Paul Merson "it weren't even a yellow."

GOAL! Newcastle 2-1 (Fer)

Ah, things getting spicy at St James's. Leroy Fer gives Norwich hope.

GOAL! Fulham 1-2 Swansea (Shelvey)

Oh Martin. Jonjo Shelvey pushes big Martin towards the great managerial scrapheap in the sky.

Oh, yeah, football

"Times really have changed, haven't they?" writes Michael Britten.

"No Lovren, Shaw off, Lallana off, a Boruc howler (the adorable mentalist, shucks) and I still want us to get back in this. It's a strange time to be a Southampton fan."

Musical tackles

Ola Munkvold's been back on:

"A Slayer tackle: No need to elaborate.The Milli Vanilli tackle: The "pretend" tackle which became the trademark of Harald Brattbakk of Rosenborg and Celtic; although gifted as a goalscorer the man never did a tackle like he meant it during his whole career on the pitch."

Musical tackles

Says Christopher Hooper:

"A Belle and Sebastian sounds like a career-ending tackle you see in slow motion, ie. That Keane Tackle. Hello darkness, my old friend."

The idea of Royston dancing feyly to 'If You're Feeling Sinister' is enormously entertaining.

More clothes-shedding ahoy

Sunderland aren't happy with Kevin Friend, after Asmir Begovic plants his studs somewhere into the top half of Steven Fletcher, but not even a free-kick is given. Gus will be down to his smalls before too long.

In lieu of goals...

...Hull v Palace is 'opening up', apparently. Curtis Davies has just had a decent chance, but the highlight still sounds like it's Pulis' coat.

Music

Suggestion from Gordon Burns, California:

"Maybe it is time to introduce some new genres of tackle descriptions. Music, for example. A Rammstein tackle vs. a Barry Manilow tackle."

What would a Skrillex tackle be? A Belle and Sebastian tackle would be interesting, too.

Well...

Correction

"Re the Hull banner being taken down. As this game is being played at Hull, it must be Hull officials that had the banner taken down, which makes the reasons for doing so even more weird."

Ah, yes, well, you might have a point there, Dave Parsons.

GOAL! Fulham 1-1 Swansea (Parker)

And they're level at the Cottage, as Scott 'Scotty 'Scott' Parker' Parker has levelled things, although he appeared not to mean it, a cross floating over Michel Vorm in the Swansea nets.

"Steve Sidwell and Scott Parker..."

"...are the real energy of this Fulham side," says Charlie Nicholas on Sky.

We might have stumbled upon Fulham's problem there.

Debate

"Industrial and agricultural are not opposites," says Anne Williams. "What a curious notion. They are different, but both require a degree of hardiness.

"I do like 'secretarial', though, for the less ... ummm ... macho variety. The really soft ones could be nursery nurse ..."

GOAL! Fulham 0-1 Swansea (og Hughes)

Oh boy. Martin Jol is currently asking where his stapler is. A low cross by De Guzman is turned into his own net by Aaron Hughes. Meulensteen pats Jol on the shoulder and makes sympathetic noises, while flicking through an 'office decoration' catalogue.

Language

Debate

Stuart Goodacre wades in: "Tell Tim Osgood that Agricultural Challenge is similar to Industrial challenge in the same way that 'We are Hull City' means the same as 'kill everyone' to Crystal Palace officials.
I hope they're not practising for next season when they try to remove the 'We are Leeds' banners."

Jose?

'Nicholas', which sounds suspiciously like a pseudonym that a stylishly-coated man in west London might use, asks:

"The big story is: will Sunderland receive an apology?"

And as they finish...

...the rest of the country are starting up again, as the second 45 minutes begin across the land.

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Half time...

...at the Emirates, and Arsenal are 1-0 up over Southampton thanks to Artur Boruc's unsuccessful attempt to dribble round Olivier Giroud.

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Debate

Tim Osgood has a question:

"I'm writing from Chicago where it's a dispiriting 20 degrees F/ negative 6 C.
"However, what I've been thinking about since I woke up this morning, is why do writers refer to a rough tackle as either an "industrial challenge" or an "agricultural challenge"? They're opposites, so I don't see how they can mean the same thing.
"Or is it more of a bell-curve type thing, and somewhere in the middle is for weak tackles? A secretarial challenge, maybe?"

Southampton seem to be...

...coming back into their game at the Emirates, it seems. Wojciech Szczesny has just made a cracking save from a Jay Rodriguez volley.

Dear lord...

...that Wes Brown red card genuinely wasn't a foul. Of course we can't direct you to anything that would violate any sort of copyright stuff, but you're all industrious types, so...

He's got some way to go before he beats Woan

Half time whistles...

...going all around the country. Newcastle are 2-0 up over Norwich at the break, Stoke are 1-0 up against ten-man Sunderland, it's Fulham 0-0 Swansea and Hull 0-0 Crystal Palace. Arsenal v Southampton is of course still going on, thanks to that public transport issue, but the Gunners lead 1-0.

Down in League One

Leyton Orient have turned things around. Moses Odubajo with the goal to make it 2-1 over Swindon.

'Appy 'Arry

Charlie Austin has given QPR a top top top lead against Charlton down in the Champo.

Beat this...

The snow gauntlet is laid down, by Ola Munkvold:

"In a year's time our cabin south of Trondheim in Norway will be finished, and I will get to shovel snow for hours every Sunday. I would need to - if we are to get our car out from it."

Anyone do better than that?

Goal in Scotchland

Kris Commons has given Celtic the lead against Aberdeen. Do you reckon they'll win the league this year?

GOAL! Newcastle 2-0 Norwich (Gouffran)

Newcastle double their lead, with Yoan Gouffran knocking in the rebound from a Shola Ameobi header.

GOAL! Arsenal 1-0 Southampton (Giroud)

Oh dear. A rick by Artur Boruc has handed Arsenal the lead, politely presenting Giroud, who seemingly has managed to run that knock off, with the opening goal.

RED CARD! Sunderland down to ten men

More bad times for Sunderland - Wes Brown has been sent off, and it sounds like a harsh one, with some debate about whether it was even a foul. Gus Poyet is not a happy man, ripping off his jacket and chucking it on the floor. Perhaps he'll remove his trousers too.

Pedant

"At 3.30 I'm fairly certain you mean "eighth premier league goal of the day", or did that who-needs-defense goal glut nearby the Mersey slip your mind?"

OK, Michael Brown. OK.

Norwich getting back into it at St James's by all accounts. Anthony Pilkington has gone close for the vistors with a far-post header.

Surprise goal in the Champ...

...or is it? Watford are in pretty ropey form at the moment and have slipped out of the play-off spots, and have now gone 1-0 down to Bolton, Jermaine Beckford scoring the goal. Meanwhile, Burnley have taken the lead through a Sam Vokes penalty at Nottingham Forest.

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GOAL! Stoke 1-0 Sunderland (Adam)

The second Premier League goal of the day floods in - Charlie Adam sweeps home from just inside the area to give Stoke the lead over Sunderland.

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This Orient

Rollercoaster of emotions for Leyton Orient - they go 1-0 down to Swindon through Nicky Ajose, but immediately level things with a David Mooney lob.

Oooooh, close

Jack Wilshere chips a cross-shot over Artur Boruc, but it hits the post and goes straight back into the arms of the Southampton keeper.

Oh for f...

So that's censoring what the fans of other clubs say, now. Lovely stuff.

The Arsenal Twitter account, presumably breathing into a paper bag and saying a Hail Mary or two (not at the same time, obviously, unless there's a tiny priest in said paper bag), reckons Giroud will run that one off.

Uh oh...

News from Smugsville

Barry Bryan writes:

"All this talk about snow, I feel the need to chime in from San Francisco. We had our first rain for six months or so and it was front page news. Do have to get up at 4.45am to watch the early kickoff, so swings and roundabouts."

We can confirm that, despite sitting in a shivering corner of London, we are not bitter.

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Meanwhile, in League Two...

...leaders Oxford have taken the lead over Morecambe. James Constable, since you ask.

They're off...

...at the Emirates, tube problems presumably solved by that extra 15 minutes.

Down in League One, Coventry have contrived to be 4-0 down at home to Tranmere. That game is in the second-half though, to be fair.

Rather dashing coat, Tony

More snow news

"Here in Oslo we seldom get enough snow that would require a whole day to clear it," muses Chris Neal. "So if I ever feel the urge to do a bit extra, a quick four-hour drive to my ex-wife's cabin to clear snow off the roof normally does the job."

Can't help thinking we're getting a bit side-tracked here.

Bugger

Oooof. Crystal Palace are continuing a one-club bid to be the footballing version of Unlucky Alf from the Fast Show. After the crushing Tony Pulis news, Marouane Chamakh has bust his head open after clashing with Paul McShane. They've bandaged him up though, apparently.

GOAL! Newcastle 1-0 Norwich (Remy)

Well, well, well. Loic Remy, presumably still off his chops on fine French wine after celebrating World Cup qualification, has fought-off his intoxication by giving Newcastle the lead over Norwich.

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Revolution at the Palace

Tony Pulis is watching his new charges at Selhurst Park, although not actually in charge today. Alas, he doesn't seem to be wearing his cap, but at least he isn't nude head-butting someone.

The raw numbers

If you prefer your score updates a little more basic, here are all the live scores from across the country, and indeed Europe.

Snow update

Writes Joe McGrath: "Now snow here in Helsinki yet, but within a few weeks it'll be like this."

First e-mail of the day

"Just out of curiosity, how do you know what it feels like to spend a day shovelling snow?" writes Jan Wetzel. "Have you spent enough time outside of the whole of England to actually be given that chore? In all of 6 years living here I haven't seen enough snow in total that would keep one busy for a day."

Alright, shovelling mild drizzle, then.

That Merseyside derby result means Southampton can go top of the table if they beat Arsenal by two goals or more. What a time to be alive.

Communication

Feel free to e-mail your thoughts, complaints and grievances, by the way. I promise not to keep your e-mail address and sign you up to Christian Mingle.

Peeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeep

The final whistle has gone at Goodison Park and an absolutely belting Merseyside derby has ended 3-3, with both teams coming close to winning the thing in the closing minutes. See how all that went down with Scott Murray's minute-by-minute report.

Delays! Delays! Delays!

In news that will surprise precisely nobody familiar with London's public transport system, the Arsenal v Southampton game has been delayed by 15 minutes thanks to some tube snafu.

In news from Not The Premier League, Huddersfield won 2-1 at Sheffield Wednesday earlier.

Word from our man at the Emirates

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Everton are quite excited about Romelu Lukaku's goal, then

It is of course the 50th anniversary of John F. Kennedy's assassination, but perhaps of more world and cultural significance is the 60th anniversary of Hungary's 6-3 win over England at Wembley, the first of many times they had their bottom smacked by technically superior forrin types. In news that comes, oooh, about 60 years too late for Walter Winterbottom and the lads, the tactical notebook of Hungary coach Gusztáv Sebes has been found and released into the wide world.

Pre-match reading

The good news for you is there's still time to read our Ten Things To Look Out For This Weekend, by Jacob Steinberg, Toby Moses and Paul Doyle. Well, of course there's time, given it's a technically infinite concept, but you should probably take a look before 3pm because after that most of it will be out of date.

Team news

Arsenal v Southampton

Arsenal: Szczesny, Sagna, Koscielny, Mertesacker, Gibbs, Arteta, Ramsey, Wilshere, Ozil, Cazorla, Giroud. Subs: Fabianski, Vermaelen, Monreal, Rosicky, Walcott, Gnabry, Bendtner.

Southampton: Boruc, Clyne, Fonte, Hooiveld, Shaw, Wanyama, Schneiderlin, Ward-Prowse, Lallana, Rodriguez, Lambert. Subs: Gazzaniga, Yoshida, S. Davis, Osvaldo, Chambers, Reed, Gallagher.

Fulham v Swansea

Fulham: Stekelenburg; Zverotic, Hughes, Amorebieta, Ricahrdson; Parker, Kasami, Boateng, Ruiz; Berbatov, Bent. Subs: Stockdale, Senderos, Sidwell, Taarabt, Dejagah, Kačaniklić, Dembele.

Swansea: Vorm, Rangel, Chico, Williams, Davies, Canas, de Guzman, Dyer, Lamah, Pozuelo, Bony. Subs: Tremmel, Tiendalli, Amat, Taylor, Britton, Shelvey, Vazquez.

Hull v Crystal Palace

Hull: McGregor, Figueroa, Elmohamady, Davies, McShane, Huddlestone, Livermore, Boyd, Brady, Koren, Sagbo. Subs: Harper, Rosenior, Faye, Bruce, Meyler, Graham, Gedo,

Crystal Palace: Speroni, Ward, Bolasie, Dikgacoi, Jedinak, Gayle, Gabbidon, Moxey, Delaney, Chamakh, Bannan, A Tangible Sense Of Ennui & Doom. Subs: Alexander, Mariappa, Phillips, O’Keefe, Puncheon, Williams, Jerome.

Newcastle v Norwich

Newcastle: Krul; Yanga-Mbiwa, Coloccini, Williamson, Santon; Sissoko, Cabaye, Tiote, Gouffran, Shola Ameobi, Remy. Subs: Elliot, Haidara, Anita, Obertan, Sammy Ameobi, Ben Arfa, Cisse.

Norwich: Ruddy; Martin, Turner, R Bennett, Olsson; Johnson, Fer, Howson; Redmond, Pilkington, Hooper. Subs: Nash, Whittaker, Bassong, Hoolahan, Elmander, Becchio, Josh Murphy.

Stoke v Sunderland

Stoke: Begovic; Cameron, Shawcross, Huth, Pieters; Walters, Nzonzi, Whelan, Adam, Arnautovic; Crouch. Subs: Sorensen, Muniesa, Palacios, Shea, Assaidi, Etherington, Wilkinson.

Sunderland: Mannone, Celustka, Bardsley, O'Shea, Brown, Ki, Colback, Larsson, Johnson, Giaccherini, Fletcher. Subs: Cabral, Gardner, Altidore, Roberge, Borini, Mavrias, Pickford.

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Actual football ahoy

Join Scott Murray over here for the closing stages of Everton v Liverpool. I won't tell you the score now, but I will say that Kevin Mirallas should be on his fourth yellow card by now.

For those of you unfamiliar with Milton from Office Space...

Crystal Palace's own revolution begins today, with the appointment of Tony Pulis. Out of respect for their fans, we will now observe a moment of silence.

Fulham's brave new world of Rene Meulensteen begins today, which is bad news for Martin Jol who will surely end up like Milton from Office Space soon, gently whimpering as he is pushed further and further down the food chain until his desk is eventually placed in the basement. We hope he doesn't end up burning Craven Cottage down, mind. Of course Meulensteen's arrival is good news for Bryan Ruiz, who will surely now earn an £80million move to Real Madrid, take his country single-handedly to the World Cup and launch a range of underwear.

Arsenal's tough run of fixtures resumes as the Premier League does, today facing perhaps the most colossal of all, the unstoppable juggernaut that is Southampton, who of course invented the pressing game this season so there's no wonder they're getting so much credit for it. The bad news for Gooners everywhere is that Arsene Wenger doesn't seem to think that they need a striker in January because they have Theo Walcott. Hmmm Arsene, hmmmm.

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Greetings

Like a warm bath after a day shovelling snow, like that first shower after returning from a festival, like reaching a welcoming toilet after driving for an hour down an inexplicably service station-free motorway after drinking two bottles of Mountain Dew, the blessed relief of the Premier League returns.

After all, it's not as if there was any football to speak of in the barren, dry, featureless desert of the last fortnight since Robin van Persie shouldered Arsenal aside. Nope. Nada. Nowt. We've all been forced to read books or watch cricket or talk to our families and so forth in the interim. How ghastly it's been.

Still, the international break can be a bit of a bore, particularly when it is accompanied by everyone pissing and whining about England, as if they matter in the least for the next seven months, so we do welcome the grind of regular football, at least so there's something to do on a Saturday afternoon as the world idles past the window.

Some good games on today too. Here they are:

Arsenal v Southampton

Fulham v Swansea

Hull v Crystal Palace

Newcastle v Norwich

Stoke v Sunderland

Nick will be here at around 2pm GMT.

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