10.01pm:And on this bombshell ...
9.58pm:Tonight's results ...
Premier League
Chelsea 0-0 Fulham
Everton 1-1 Arsenal
Southampton 1-1 Norwich
Stoke 2-1 Newcastle
Swansea 3-1 West Brom
Tottenham 2-1 Liverpool
Manchester United 1-0 West Ham
Wigan Athletic 0-2 Manchester City
Championship
Blackburn Rover 1-2 Bolton Wanderers
Scottish Premier League
Hearts 0-4 Celtic
St Johnstone 0-1 Hibernian
9.54pm:Result: Manchester United 1-0 West Ham
Team managed by Sam Allardyce gets beaten at Old Trafford. Who saw that coming, eh?
9.53pm:Result: Wigan Athletic 0-2 Manchester City
Goals from Mario Balotelli and James Milner win all three points for Manchester City, who remain second in the Premier League table, one point behind Manchester United and six clear of Chelsea and West Brom.
9.51pm:Fitbaw correspondent Ewan Murray doesn't hang about ...
Click on the link to read his report on Hearts 0-4 Celtic at Tynecastle.
9.48pm:9.46pm:Correction - not a result at Old Trafford
Gah! Apologies, I forgot that Manchester United v West Ham was an 8pm kick-off. Manchester United 1-0 West Ham is still a latest score. West Ham have two minutes left in which to make me look even more stupid than usual.
9.44pm:Result: Swansea 3-1 West Brom
"I think Michael Laudrup's tenure at Swansea City will be a complete car-crash," said one Guardian Football Weekly podcast regular at the start of this season. "Why?" asked James Richardson. "I just do," said the Guardian Football Weekly podcast regular.
9.42pm:Result: Manchester United 1-0 West Ham
Team managed by Sam Allardyce gets beaten at Old Trafford. Who saw that coming, eh?
9.41pm:Result: Tottenham 2-1 Liverpool
Liverpool seem to have squandered enough chances to win five or six matches and were unable to capitalise on Gareth Bale's comedy own goal to rescue a point at White Hart Lane.
9.40pm:Result: Stoke 2-1 Newcastle
Stoke City came from behind to take all three points in a match they looked likely to lose with 10 minutes to go. Could out-of-sorts Newcastle do it on a cold Wednesday night at the Britannia? In a word: no.
9.38pm:Result: Everton 1-1 Arsenal
Six draws in their last eight matches for Everton, with Marouane Fellaini cancelling out Theo Walcott's first minute opener for Arsenal.
9.37pm:Result: Southampton 1-1 Norwich City
Rickie Lambert put the Saints ahead, but Robert Snodgrass stole a share of the points for the visitors with his equaliser just before half-time.
9.36pm:Result: Chelsea 0-0 Fulham
Back-to-back scoreless draws for Rafael Benitez in his first two games in charge of Chelsea, which is bound to delight his employer Roman Abramovich, who is probably scribbling 'Benitez out!' on a sheet of A4 with magic marker as I type.
9.34pm:9.32pm:9.31pm:Another goal at the DW Stadium!
Manchester City go 2-1 up against Wigan Athletic, thanks to a long-range screamer into the top left-hand corner from James Milner.
9.30pm:Stoke are now beating Newcastle!
The Potters equalised just a couple of minutes ago through Jonathan Walters and have not gone ahead through the substitute Cameron Jerome. Newcastle's terrible run looks set to continue.
9.28pm:A goal at the DW Stadium ...
Mario Balotelli scores with his second attempt after pouncing on some spillage from Wigan goalkeeper Ali Al Habsi, who couldn't hold on to a long-range effort from - I think - Kolarov that was hit straight at him.
9.27pm:Luis Suarez misses a sitter!
The Uruguayan blasts over the bar from about six yards out with the goal at his mercy. It's still Tottenham 2-1 Liverpool.
9.26pm:In the Championship ...
Blackburn have pulled a goal back against Bolton, Jordan Rhodes giving the home side a chance with his 82nd minute strike.
9.25pm:9.24pm:In praise of Dimitar ...
"Berbatov does seem to evoke memories of the beat generation," writes Daniel Schulwolf. "An erudite and reserved man with incredible talent, yet somebody who does not take things too seriously. A man of the finest tastes, such as jazz, fine liquor, cultured first touches, and dainty flicks. A man who has lived his professional life 'on the road', taking his wonderful talents across the continent to no fewer than three countries. In other words, a once in a lifetime figure."
9.22pm:This from our fitbaw correspondent Ewan Murray
9.21pm:Here's that Bale comedy own goal ...
Watch it quick, before the squares at Premier League HQ have it taken down. And yes, I did use the word squares, daddio ...
9.20pm:9.18pm:Matt Doney writes ...
"In your 9:03pm entry, you're letting us see behind the curtain with your explanations of deadlinery and frantic journos," he writes. "Surely there's some kind of Union ruling forbidding that sort of thing. You'll be a marked man."
9.16pm:Gareth Bale scores again!!!
But it's into the wrong net as an Aaron Lennon clearance off the line hits the Welshman in the face and bounces over the line to throw Liverpool a lifeline. They trail 2-1 at White Hart Lane.
9.15pm:9.14pm:In the Championship ...
Chung Yong Lee has made if 2-0 for Bolton against a Blackburn side that are being completely dominated, according to my moles at Ewood Park.
9.12pm:Hearts 0-4 Celtic
Celtic were leading Hearts 3-0 at Tynecastle, but have scored another goal, courtesy of which means they're now leading Hearts 4-0 at Tynecastle. Gary Hooper with the goal there, adding to the three scored by Lassad Nouioui, Mikael Lustig and own goal merchant Ryan Stevenson in the first half.
9.10pm:On the subject of Berba's choice of literature ...
"Surely Berbatov would be reading something a little deeper than that beatnik trash," writes Luke Crane. "Maybe some Cocteau or Nabokov? N'est-ce pas?"
9.08pm:Jordi Gomez update ...
"Just so's you know, Gomez was not booked for diving," writes JR in Illinois. "There was some contact in the box but there was no call.He did fling himself down rather theatrically. I can only assume that he was fuming due to the non-call and very soon after took out his anger on Gareth Barry's shin."
9.05pm:9.03pm:If you're wondering ...
... why the tweets from assorted football writers have dried up, it's because they're all too busy writing their match reports to post their observations on Twitter. With deadlines looming very soon after the final whistle, they'll all be hoping things stay as they are, because late comebacks and goal-swings might cause them to swear loudly and throw their laptops around the press box.
8.59pm:Oh Riise ...
According to Phil Thompson, John Arne Riise has just blown a splendid chance to put Fulham ahead against Chelsea at Stamford Bridge, incurring the wrath of Dimitar Berbatov in the process. It seems the Norwegian shot - and hit a big instep full of fresh air - when he should have squared the ball for the Bulgarian striker, who was sitting unmarked on the edge of the six-yard box, reading Kerouac's On The Road, smoking a Gauloises and drinking a shot of bourbon.
8.55pm:Newcastle capitalised on a goalkeeping error
It seems that Asmir Begovic failed to keep hold of a long-range effort from Demba Ba and spilled the ball into the path of the prowling Papiss Cisse, who followed up to fire home.
8.53pm:Stoke concede a goal at home!
Stoke City's hopes of keeping a fifth clean sheet in a row at home have been dashed - Papiss Cisse has put Newcastle ahead at the Britannia, in a state of affairs that's likely to prompt no end of Geordie wags to talk about how their team can do it on a cold Wednesday night at the Britannia.
8.52pm:Zonal Marking speaks ...
8.51pm:The 7:45pm kick-offs are into their second halves ...
Meanwhile it's Wigan 0-0 Manchester City and Manchester United 1-0 West Ham at half-time in the matches that kicked off at 8pm.
8.50pm:More turgid fare at Stamford Bridge
Sky's Phil Thompson critiques the first half of Chelsea 0-0 Fulham: "It's been dreadful," he says. "There's been one attempt by both sides ... it's been that bad."
8.48pm:Scenes at the DW Stadium ...
I'm trying to watch several screens at once here, but as far as I can tell, Wigan's Jordi Gomez has just been booked for diving after being brought down in the Manchester City penalty area. It looked a penalty to me; in fact it looked like he should have got two or three penalties to me.
8.44pm:A misanthropic Irish Gooner tweets ...
8.42pm:At the DW Stadium
Wigan Athletic's Jordi Gomez has just sent a peach of a free-kick fizzing inches wide of Joe Hart's goal. That was very, very close.
8.41pm:Half-time in the 7:45pm kick-offs
Chelsea 0-0 Fulham
Everton 1-1 Arsenal
Southampton 1-1 Norwich
Stoke 0-0 Newcastle
Swansea 3-1 West Brom
Tottenham 2-0 Liverpool
Latest scores in the 8pm kick-offs
Manchester United 1-0 West Ham
Wigan Athletic 0-0 Manchester City
And in the Championship ...
Blackburn 0-1 Bolton
Scottish Premier League latest
Hearts 0-3 Celtic
St Johnstone 0-0 Hibernian
8.37pm:8.36pm:Romelu Lukaku gets one for West Brom ...
With the last kick of the first half, Romalu Lukaku scores for West Brom to reduce their deficit at the Liberty Stadium to "just" two goals. The Baggies trail 3-1 against the Swans.
8.33pm:Norwich are level with Southampton ...
Robert Snodgrass takes advantage of a goalkeeping error from Paulo Gazzaniga to help his side draw level on the stroke of half-time at St Mary's. In far more important news, I've just checked my Fantasy Football team to see if I'd included two-goal hero Wayne Routledge in this week's starting eleven, only to discover that I left him on the bench as first substitute and those I did pick are all playing. Apologies for that, if you don't play FF and have no idea what I'm talking about.
8.29pm:8.26pm:8.26pm:The Sunday Independent's DIon Fanning Tweets ...
8.25pm:Swansea 3-0 West Brom
The Swans have gone goal-crazy - Wayne Routledge has scored his second of the night and his fourth this year.
8.24pm:8.22pm:An email from Mark Gillies ...
"It appears from that photo that Liverpool are wearing their away kit at White Hart Lane," he writes. "I can only imagine it hasn't sold as well as they'd hoped and they're wearing it for marketing purposes. Modern effing football, eh?"
8.20pm:Goal! Goal! Goal! Goal!
Southampton 1-0 Norwich City - Rickie Lee Lambert prods home from close range after the ball had been pin-balling around the Norwich penalty area in the wake of a free-kick being whipped in.
8.18pm:Here's a good idea ...
Paul Ewart has thought of an excellent way Chelsea suits could make the lives of their paying customers easier. "Why don't they leave 'Rafa out!' plastic flags on the seats?" he asks, before adding a Barton-esque: "Mot juste."
8.16pm:Reader Feargus writes ...
"Is that every single fan of Wimbledon in that video?" he asks. "There must be almost 300 in it."
8.15pm:8.13pm:Another goal at Goodison Park ...
Big-haired Belgian Marouane Fellaini side-foots into the bottom corner from outside the penalty area to make it all square between Everton and Arsenal. That's his seventh of the season.
8.12pm:An injury at the DW Stadium
Manchester City full-back Maicon is flat on his back and surrounded by medical staff after a collision with somebody or other. He's helped to his feet and walks gingerly to the sideline, before returning to the field.
8.10pm:The BBC's Conor McNamara writes ...
8.09pm:And here's Jamie Jackson's report on RvP's goal
Thanks for all that detail, Jamie.
8.07pm:Paul Doyle is at White Hart Lane for the Guardian
8.06pm:8.06pm:Latest Premier League scores ...
Chelsea 0-0 Fulham (7:45pm)
Everton 0-1 Arsenal (7:45pm)
Southampton 0-0 Norwich City (7:45pm)
Stoke City 0-0 Newcastle United (7:45pm)
Swansea City 2-0 West Bromwich Albion (7:45pm)
Tottenham Hotspur 2-0 Liverpool (7:45pm)
Manchester United 1-0 West Ham (8pm)
Wigan Athletic 0-0 Manchester City (8pm)
8.04pm:There are goals raining in everywhere ...
Robin van Persie puts Manchester United one goal up against West Ham after 33 seconds. And at White Hart Lane, Tottenham have taken a two-goal lead against Liverpool
8.02pm:8.01pm:According to Iain Dowie ...
... who is watching Tottenham Hotspur v Liverpool for Sky Sports, Jordan Henderson has just missed a glorious opportunity to restore parity for Liverpool. Meanwhile at the DW Stadium, it's all kicked off between Wigan Athletic and Manchester City.
7.59pm:7.57pm:Swansea 2-0 West Brom
Michu passes out to Hernandez on the left, he picks out Wayne Routledge, who scores a second for the Swans after nine minutes.
7.56pm:All is quiet, at Stamford Bridge
It's quiet ... too damn quiet, reports The Telegraph's Henry Winter ...
7.55pm:Meanwhile in Scotland ...
There's a clatter of SPL matches on tonight and Celtic lead Hearts 2-0 in the pick of them.
7.54pm:Goal pie all over Boaz Myhill's shirt!
Swansea have scored against West Brom, with Michu doing the honours.
7.53pm:A goal a White Hart Lane ...
Gareth Bale beats Steven Gerrard and Joe Allen, before knocking the ball past Martin Skrtel and crossing the ball to the far post, where Aaron Lennon scores. It's Tottenham Hotspur 1-0 Liverpool.
7.51pm:Chelsea fans don't have a monopoly on A4 banners ...
Oh no - other teams fans can write stuff on paper and hold it up for the cameras too. Here's a nice video made by AFC Wimbledon fans ahead of their FA Cup match against MK Dons this weekend.
7.49pm:Meanwhile in Lancashire ...
Kevin Davies has put Bolton a goal to the good against Blackburn Rovers. Comparatively slow with that one, Kevin - he didn't score until the second minute.
7.48pm:Arsenal one up at Everton already ...
Aaron Ramsey slips Theo Walcott in to score with a deflection off Tony Hibbert to put Arsenal a goal up at Goodison Park after 53 seconds.
7.46pm:Rafa Benitez arrives pitchside at Stamford Bridge ...
And the expected chorus of boos fails to materialise. Perhaps Chelsea's fans have warmed to him since Sunday afternoon, or perhaps they just didn't happen to notice him emerging from the tunnel, as the stadium announcer wisely neglected to announce his arrival.
7.42pm:This from the Indie's Sam Wallace at Stamford Bridge
7.40pm:Manchester United v West Ham line-ups
Man Utd: Lindegaard, Da Silva, Smalling, Evans, Evra, Carrick,
Anderson, Cleverley, Rooney, van Persie, Hernandez.
Subs: De Gea, Jones, Ferdinand, Young, Welbeck, Fletcher, Buttner.
West Ham: Jaaskelainen, Demel, Reid, Collins, O'Brien, Taylor,
Diame, Tomkins, Jarvis, Nolan, Carroll.
Subs: Spiegel, Cole, Maiga, Spence, O'Neil, Moncur, Lletget.
Referee: Mike Jones (Cheshire)
7.39pm:Wigan v Manchester City line-ups ...
Wigan: Al Habsi, Stam, Boyce, Lopez, Figueroa, McCarthy, Jones,
Gomez, Kone, Beausejour, Di Santo.
Subs: Pollitt, McManaman, McArthur, Boselli, Fyvie, Golobart, Redmond.
Man City: Hart, Maicon, Kompany, Nastasic, Zabaleta,
Javi Garcia, Toure, Silva, Barry, Aguero, Balotelli.
Subs: Pantilimon, Toure, Kolarov, Milner, Sinclair, Tevez, Dzeko.
Referee: Mark Halsey (Lancashire)
7.38pm:Here's Jamie Jackson with the weather ...
7.36pm:Banner-watch ...
If you're at Stamford Bridge tonight and see any tragic middle-aged men holding up A4-sized banners they've clearly designed on the work PC, printed off after everyone else has left the office, be sure to let us know. By us, of course, I mean me. There's nobody else here.
7.27pm:Spurs v Liverpool line-ups
Tottenham: Lloris, Walker, Gallas, Dawson, Vertonghen, Lennon,
Sandro, Dembele, Bale, Dempsey, Defoe.
Subs: Friedel, Huddlestone, Naughton, Sigurdsson, Livermore, Townsend, Carroll.
Liverpool: Reina, Johnson, Agger, Skrtel, Downing, Allen,
Henderson, Gerrard, Jose Enrique, Sterling, Suarez.
Subs: Jones, Sahin, Assaidi, Carragher, Fernandez Saez, Shelvey, Wisdom.
Referee: Phil Dowd (Staffordshire)
7.25pm:Southampton v Norwich City line-ups
Southampton: Gazzaniga, Clyne, Yoshida, Fonte, Shaw, Puncheon,
Schneiderlin, Cork, Lallana, Lambert, Ramirez.
Subs: Kelvin Davis, Hooiveld, Steven Davis, Rodriguez, Do Prado,
Mayuka, Reeves.
Norwich: Bunn, Whittaker, Ryan Bennett, Bassong, Garrido,
Snodgrass, Johnson, Tettey, Pilkington, Hoolahan, Holt.
Subs: Rudd, Martin, Howson, Jackson, Morison, Elliott Bennett,
Barnett.
Referee who's certain to command no shortage of column inches in reports on this match tomorrow, what with this being his first time officiating with a whistle in his mouth since all that unpleasantness involving Chelsea was put to bed: Mark Clattenburg (Tyne & Wear)
7.20pm:Swansea v West Brom line-ups
Swansea: Tremmel, Rangel, Williams, Chico, Davies, Britton,
Hernandez, Ki, Dyer, Routledge, Michu.
Subs: Cornell, Monk, Shechter, Moore, de Guzman, Tiendalli, Agustien.
West Brom: Myhill, McAuley, Olsson, Ridgewell, Jones, Yacob,
Morrison, Mulumbu, Brunt, Odemwingie, Lukaku.
Subs: Daniels, Popov, Rosenberg, Long, Dorrans, Tamas, Fortune.
Referee: Lee Mason (Lancashire)
7.19pm:Chelsea v Fulham line-ups
Chelsea: Cech, Azpilicueta, Ivanovic, Luiz, Cole, Romeu,
Ramires, Hazard, Oscar, Bertrand, Torres.
Subs: Turnbull, Mata, Mikel, Moses, Ferreira, Marin, Cahill.
Fulham: Schwarzer, Riether, Senderos, Hughes, Riise, Duff,
Diarra, Sidwell, Karagounis, Rodallega, Berbatov.
Subs: Etheridge, Kelly, Baird, Kasami, Petric, Frei, Dejagah.
Referee: Anthony Taylor (Cheshire)
7.17pm:Team news from Old Trafford
Anderson gets his second Premier League start of the season for tonight's encounter with West Ham. The Brazilian is one of five changes in personnel from the team that beat QPR on Saturday, with Javier Hernandez, Michael Carrick, Chris Smalling and Tom Cleverley also included. West Ham boss Sam Allardyce makes four changes to the side beaten by Tottenham on Sunday, with Guy Demel, Matt Jarvis, Matt Taylor and James Collins all selected for tonight's defeat.
7.15pm:Team news from White Hart Lane
Mousa Dembele starts his first game in six weeks tonight, as Tottenham look to end Liverpool's eight-match unbeaten run at White Hart Lane tonight. Steven Caulker is out for Spurs, so William Gallas returns to the starting line-up to partner Michael Dawson in defence. Liverpool name the same starting eleven that drew 0-0 against Swansea, while Andre Wisdom gets to sit on the bench chewing gum while huddled in a comfy anorak after recovering from a knee injury.
7.09pm:Everton v Arsenal line-ups
Everton: Howard, Hibbert, Jagielka, Distin, Baines, Naismith,
Gibson, Osman, Pienaar, Fellaini, Jelavic.
Subs: Mucha, Heitinga, Oviedo, Hitzlsperger, Gueye, Barkley, Vellios.
Arsenal: Szczesny, Sagna, Mertesacker, Koscielny, Vermaelen,
Walcott, Ramsey, Arteta, Wilshere, Cazorla, Giroud.
Subs: Mannone, Rosicky, Oxlade-Chamberlain, Coquelin, Jenkinson,
Gervinho, Gibbs.
Referee: Michael Oliver (Northumberland)
7.08pm:Mata and Mikel dropped from Chelsea line-up
Neither Juan Mata nor John Obi Mikel will start Rafael Benitez's second game in charge of Chelsea, tonight's west London derby against Fulham.
Oriol Romeu and Ryan Bertrand come in for the pair in a side that is otherwise unchanged from Sunday's goalless draw with Manchester City.
Fulham recall Damien Duff, Hugo Rodallega and Mahamadou Diarra following their weekend defeat at Stoke.
7.05pm:Line-ups for Stoke v Newcastle
Stoke: Begovic, Shotton, Huth, Shawcross, Cameron, Walters,
Nzonzi, Whelan, Etherington, Adam, Crouch.
Subs: Sorensen, Palacios, Jones, Whitehead, Upson, Kightly, Jerome.
Newcastle: Krul, Simpson, Coloccini, Williamson, Santon, Anita,
Perch, Tiote, Gutierrez, Ba, Cisse.
Subs: Elliot, Bigirimana, Marveaux, Sammy Ameobi, Ranger, Ferguson, Tavernier.
Referee: Howard Webb (S Yorkshire)
7.03pm:Ruddy hell!
Bad news for Norwich City supporters, not to mention those of us who have their goalkeeper in our Fantasy Football squads: John Ruddy could miss the next three months with a thigh injury. After being forced off during his side's draw with Everton on Saturday, the goalkeeper faces a substantial length of time on the sidelines. "City can confirm 'keeper @Johnruddy86 has a thigh injury which is being assessed, but he could be out for approximately 3 months," Tweeted somebody at the club.
6.57pm:Prediction time ...
Considering the past four matches I've watched on television have all ended 0-0, I'm hoping to extend that goal drought with the help of tonight's encounter between Wigan Athletic and Manchester City. If you better four scoreless draws in a row, don't hesitate to drop me a line with the grisly details. You've got Aston Villa 0-0 Arsenal, Swansea 0-0 Liverpool, Chelsea 0-0 Manchester City and Sunderland 0-0 QPR. That's six hours of my life, plus injury time, I won't be getting back.
6.52pm:Inter not interested in Balotelli
I know this, because I've just seen a story on the news wires with exactly that headline. Although the fun-loving Italian striker is facing an uncertain future with Manchester City, Massimo Moratti, president of cash-strapped Inter, has said he doubts Mario will be pitching up at the San Siro wearing blue and black stripes any time soon.
"I really don't think that Balotelli will be coming back to Inter," he said. "As far as I'm concerned the team will stay more or less the way it is now. It's a good challenge for the players that we have, who all want to do well and build on what we've achieved early in the season. Inter are a good team, but every now and then we don't do so well."
So now you know.
6.46pm:Tonight's Premier League fixtures
Chelsea v Fulham (7:45pm)
Everton v Arsenal (7:45pm)
Southampton v Norwich City (7:45pm)
Stoke City v Newcastle United (7:45pm)
Swansea City v West Bromwich Albion (7:45pm)
Tottenham Hotspur v Liverpool (7:45pm)
Manchester United v West Ham (8pm)
Wigan Athletic v Manchester City (8pm)
And in the Championship ...
Blackburn Rovers v Bolton Wanderers (7:45pm)
5.11pm:Good evening everybody
Welcome to this evening's Clockwatch, an exercise that largely involves one man (me) watching several other men (the chaps on Gillette Soccer Special) watching loads of other men (assorted Premier League footballers) gadding about, then trying to make sense of it all.
And if that's not enough to lure you in, I'll also be keeping an eye on Wigan Athletic v Manchester City, monitoring the news wires, listening to various people around the office swearing loudly then asking them what just happened and perusing your tweets and emails, in a bid to provide the most thorough, up-to-the-minute football information service since that time an already substituted Niall Quinn galloped down the touchline at Maine Road to tell Steve Lomas to stop nursing the ball down by the corner flag against Liverpool, because Manchester City actually needed to score to stay up.
