Welcome - and I realise I'm not selling this very well - to an almost completely meaningless mid-table match. Norwich City, in their first season back in the big time, have been safe as houses for some time now. Liverpool too are assured of Premier League football next season, so well done to everyone from Anfield. Good news all round, then, although the fact remains that win, draw or lose, neither of these teams will be shaking up the table very much this evening. Bye, then, everyone!

You still here? OK, let's do this low-key thing. Norwich, needless to say, will be very content with their season. Paul Lambert's side have been steady rather than spectacular - the yin to fellow promotee Swansea's yang - although staying up comfortably after spending 73p in the summer is sensational enough. Their star man? In a squad of heroes, close your eyes and hover a pin over a list, but let's pick striker Grant Holt, who has scored more goals in the league than Luis Suárez and Andy Carroll combined.

Liverpool, by contrast, can pinpoint few heroes this season. Martin Skrtel, maybe. Daniel Agger, perhaps. On the one hand, you can't knock winning the League Cup and getting to the final of the FA Cup. It's not out of the question that Liverpool could end this season with a pot in each hand, one of only two English clubs making any addition to their roll of honour. But it's impossible to ignore the abject nature of their league campaign. On their day, Kenny Dalglish's side play a more aesthetically pleasing style of football than Liverpool ever managed under Mr Roy, and indeed during the eras of Rafa and Ged. And they've dominated many a game this season only to somehow draw or lose. But you can only bemoan your bad luck up to a point; after 34 games, and 340 misdirected shots, Liverpool are pretty much where they deserve to be. A couple more losses before the end of the season - highly likely if their relegation form since the turn of the year is any guide - and they could easily finish in the bottom half. Which hasn't happened since the club were relegated in 1954.

As a result of Liverpool's antics this season, Norwich must fancy their chances of winning today, and drawing level with their opponents on points. This game, then, will go a fair way to deciding how spectacular, or spectacularly bad, each club's league campaign has been.

So, in conclusion, this isn't such a completely meaningless mid-table match after all. Do you think it's too late to get everyone who buggered off back? Does someone want to see if they'd like to come back?

(A reminder, while we're waiting for them all to return, of what happened when the teams met earlier this season: Liverpool 1-1 John Ruddy.)

Kick off: 5.30pm.

Norwich City: Ruddy, Naughton, Ryan Bennett, Ward, Drury, Elliott Bennett, Howson, Fox, Johnson, Pilkington, Morison.
Subs: Steer, Martin, Vaughan, Holt, Surman, Hoolahan, Wilbraham.

Liverpool: Reina, Johnson, Carragher, Agger, Jose Enrique, Downing, Gerrard, Henderson, Shelvey, Bellamy, Suarez.
Subs: Doni, Maxi, Coates, Kuyt, Spearing, Kelly, Skrtel.

Referee: Mark Halsey (Lancashire)

The teams are out! Norwich in their pretty yellow-and-green outfit, Liverpool draped in similarly sassy crimson. Sadly, it's not a particularly nice day in Norfolk, so expect all these delightful clothes, lovingly hand-stitched by orphans, to get as soiled as an alcoholic's bedsheet after a particularly lively night.

And we're off: live, and in low-definition word format! Liverpool get the ball rolling. Their fans aren't expecting much. "I'm not usually an optimist but with Liverpool the past couple of seasons I have become very used to automatically being thrilled about the little things," sighs Linda Howard. "For example the name Mark Halsey doesn't immediately ring any alarm bells for me. So, whoopee for that. That still comes off as pessimism, doesn't it?" Meanwhile here's Sasu Laaksonen: "Why on earth is Carragher playing? Even his comedy value has a low stock these days."

2 min: The reason Andy Carroll hasn't travelled? He's been boiled down for glue ... hold on... being used to prop up the roof of the Kemlyn Road stand ... no, this is it... got a groin strain.

4 min: Pilkington chases after a long pass down the inside-left channel. The ball skids off the greasy turf. Then so does Pilkington, skittering hysterically along on his arse. "Your 'meaningless mid-table match' remark is annoying yet appropriate," begins Karan Ahuja, who is not in a good mood, I'll be bound. "It's disappointing to see the obvious shortcomings being cloaked by talks of silverware that few truly aspire to win. History 1 Present 0. Sorry, I don't have the motivation to stay up all night watching the match. Sayonara." Readers storming off in hot funks already. Four minutes! This has to be some sort of record.

6 min: It's got a proper end-of-season feel to it, this game. Neither set of fans are bothering to sing much.

7 min: Another long ball down the channels by Norwich. Pilkington again the man chasing, down the inside-right channel this time. He tries to nod it past Agger and get to the byline, but gets too much on the ball. He might have used an arm, too.

9 min: This game really hasn't started yet. Drury pulls up, his groin pinging. He'll not be able to continue, and indeed goes straight down the tunnel. Nobody on in his stead yet, mind. "I know that the lack of 'Kenny out' chants this season is something Liverpool fans are proud of," writes Prateek Chadha, "and even though he will clearly 'never walk alone', surely more fans should be asking where he is leading them on this particular walk."

10 min: Norwich, currently playing with ten men, break down the left. The lively Pilkington reaches the byline and whips a low ball into the six-yard area; Carragher, sliding along the turf, hacks clear.

12 min: Russell Martin comes on to make up the numbers.

14 min: Plenty of time for this to get going, of course. But so far, this has been beyond awful. Nothing happening on the pitch, with an atmosphere to match.

15 min: Elliott Bennett goes to ground very easily down the right under a "challenge" from Henderson. That was all very lightweight. But it's a free kick to Norwich in a very dangerous position, ten yards or so from the byline. Liverpool needn't worry, though: the free kick is clipped straight down Reina's throat, with no Norwich player within five yards of the keeper. Astonishingly poor.

17 min: Agger sprays a ball down the left to release Bellamy, who nudges it further on to Suarez. The ball's crossed into the centre, but there are no red shirts in the danger zone. Norwich clear. That's the first time Liverpool have got anywhere near the home side's box. It's been a very low-key start from the visitors.

19 min: This is a total non-event. The away fans take the opportunity to call for justice for the 96.

21 min: This is like watching a gently oscillating testcard.

24 min: GOAL OUT OF NOTHING!!! Norwich City 0-1 Liverpool. Fox fannies around down the Norwich right. Gerrard storms in and makes off with the ball. He rolls it inside to Suarez, who is bombing down the Liverpool inside-left channel. He enters the box from a tight-ish angle, draws the keeper, and clips the ball into the right-hand side of the goal, billowing the side netting. Wonderful finish. Did this game ever need a goal. Can we have some action now, please?

27 min: Suarez robs the ball off Ward down the inside-right channel. He steams towards the area down the wing. Bellamy is screaming for the ball in the centre, but it's Gerrard, a few steps behind him, who gets the low cross. He hammers a first-time shot goalwards, the ball hitting Ryan Bennett and deflecting out on the right for a corner. Gerrard claims a penalty for hands. He doesn't get it.

29 min: GOAL !!! Norwich City 0-2 Liverpool. Norwich are falling apart here. Another mistake, Ward letting Suarez rip off down the right. Suarez bombs towards the box, and with the outside of his right foot, hammers a peach of a shot across Ruddy and into the bottom-left corner. That was as clinical a finish as you'll see all season. Admittedly there's not much of it left, but that's not the point.

31 min: The away fans are making plenty of noise now. Still not much coming from the other three stands at Carrow Road, but that's fairly understandable now, the way Norwich have suddenly crumpled.

34 min: Norwich can't get the ball at the moment. Liverpool aren't exactly tiki-takaing around them, but Shelvey and Gerrard are looking positive and dynamic in the middle of the park. Quite a few surges forward by the pair of them, quick balls forward in the direction of Suarez and Bellamy. The pair, along with Henderson, are first to almost everything at the moment.

37 min: Howson looks to release Morison into the Liverpool area with a clever pass straight down the inside-left channel, but Agger steps in at the last minute to intercept. The home side really have been knocked sideways by Suarez's quickfire double.

39 min: Suarez goes down in the Norwich area, cutting in from the right while chasing a Johnson throw, his back lightly touched by Ward. The referee is quite rightly not having it. A corner to Liverpool, though. From which, another corner. Which nearly leads to a fluke goal, Johnson sending a wild daisycutter towards the bottom-right corner. It looked like a fizzed pass to Suarez, but the striker misses the ball, and Ruddy is nearly surprised at his left-hand post. But he turns the shot away. The final segment of this corner triptych is totally wasted.

42 min: Ward is booked for a late lunge on Suarez, who was looking to nip off with the ball towards the box. Norwich the architects of their own downfall yet again, losing the ball to the lively Liverpool forward during another period of needless faffing around. "Is Suarez disappointed with himself?" wonders Niall Mullen. "He's had two shots so far, neither of which has hit the post."

44 min: Eventually a free kick is taken. It's 30 yards out, just to the left of goal. Bellamy takes, and the ball flies 30 yards over the bar. He grins, a cheesy rictus designed to hide his severe embarrassment.

45 min: Gerrard, from his own area on the right, knocks the ball past Howson and tears after it. Howson nudges the Liverpool captain, and picks up a booking for his trouble.

HALF TIME: Norwich City 0-2 Liverpool. I wonder if the home side plan to turn up for the second period?

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And we're off once more! Norwich restart for the third time in this match. A change for the home side: Vaughan for Fox. Now then, we kicked off the first half with rollercoaster rider Linda Howard, so let's get the second going with her again. Here she is, with more half empty AND half full shtick: "(half full) Two up at half time! (half empty) But there it is- QPR flashbacks. (half full) And yet surely Kenny will bring on Skrtel for Carragher soon- (half empty) won't he? Maybe I should take some Xanax and just get rid of the glass all together."

47 min: The home side launch the ball towards the Liverpool box. The away side fanny around, Agger attempting a needless Garrincha-esque dribble in his own area. Corner from the right. Agger concedes another, the ball skimming off his mohican. Then it's Carragher's turn to poke the ball behind. The third corner is hit far too long, and there's been a bit of pushing in the box by Norwich's attack, and this little burst of action is over.

48 min: It is absolutely tipping down in Norwich.

50 min: Norwich hoick the ball down the inside-left channel. Morison is after it. Carragher should clear, but huffs and puffs, eventually managing to win a throw deep in his own territory. Liverpool lose possession from the throw, allowing Elliott Bennett to unleash a rising shot from 25 yards. Reina parries around the left-hand post. A fine shot. And a decent save. Morison gets his head to the resulting corner, but flashes the ball wide. If Carragher is picked for next week's FA Cup final, Chelsea are guaranteed to win.

52 min: I'm not sure this even qualifies as news any more, but Liverpool hit the woodwork. Downing is released in acres down the right. He feeds Suarez in the centre; the striker turns the ball goalwards, only to see his weak-ish effort parried by Ruddy. The ball loops in the air, Shelvey looking to dink a header into the top left. But he hits the bar. Norwich hack clear for a corner, which is wasted.

54 min: After a slow start to the half, Liverpool get back into the swing of things. A ball looped into the Norwich area down the inside left. Suarez is after it, and cushions a header back to Downing, who screws a sidefooted effort over.

55 min: Enrique tears down the left, and reaches the byline. He zips a cross through the six-yard box. Shelvey slides in, and should bundle over from a couple of yards with the goal gaping, but the ball bobbles on the turf, then clanks off his shin and angles off to the right of the target. An open goal missed from a couple of yards out, then, though Shelvey was in truth a bit unlucky there. Is this going to be another of those matches where Liverpool fail to convert all their chances, then pay the price for their profligacy?

57 min: Both teams play a bit of pinball down the Norwich right. Eventually the ball breaks inside for Morison, who tries to guide a first-time shot into the bottom-left corner from the edge of the area. His effort is deflected out for a corner. Nothing comes of the set piece.

59 min: Elliott Bennett, 25 yards out, looks for the top-right corner. His effort flies well wide. This is better from Norwich since the restart, although Reina has only had one save to make.

60 min: STEWART DOWNING ATTEMPTS TO BEAT A MAN!!! Yes, he really does try to do it! Coming down the right, he twists and turns in front of Naughton. The Norwich full back backtracks into the area. Eventually, Downing looks for the bottom-left corner. It's a decent shot, but Ruddy parries, and the ball is cleared. One more twist from Downing, and he may have actually passed Naughton there. Ah well. Maybe next season.

63 min: We're back to that end-of-season feel again. Norwich appear resigned to their fate this evening, while Liverpool aren't exactly going for their opponents at full pelt. Action, please!

64 min: Liverpool triangulate down the inside-right channel. Eventually Suarez springs himself clear, sucking Ryan Bennett towards him before nutmegging the defender and breaking clear into the area. He's only got Ruddy to beat, but attempts a cute dink over the keeper, and overcooks it. Three rugby points!

65 min: Liverpool have suddenly stepped it up. More triangulation. Suarez and Bellamy combine, right to left, and win a corner. Bellamy sends the set piece into the area, Agger winning a header and guiding the ball towards the top right. It's going in, but Martin heads off the line.

66 min: Reina has the ball at his feet, drops a shoulder, and diddles Vaughan - who responds by chasing after the keeper and sliding straight through the back of him. That's as clear a yellow card as you'll see.

68 min: Suarez sets Bellamy scampering down the pitch from deep inside his own half. He's held back by Ryan Bennett, and gesticulates at the referee. Meanwhile Bellamy makes it to the Norwich area. He looks to find Gerrard in the middle, but the move breaks down. The referee eventually catches up with Bennett, and gives him a stern talking to, but no more.

70 min: Suarez is determined to add to Liverpool's total, one way or another. He zips down the right and reaches the byline. The angle's too tight for a shot, so he pulls the ball back into the centre - but behind Bellamy and Shelvey. Norwich nip up the other end, Vaughan hitting a shot on the turn from the edge of the area. It's wide left of goal, and anyway covered by Reina.

71 min: It's Ryan Bennett on Suarez again. This time a clear bodycheck in the middle of the park. He really can't moan about the yellow card that's waved in his phizog.

73 min: Liverpool sweep up the pitch through Bellamy, Gerrard starting the move off with a cute 180-degree turn - a sort of ersatz Cruyff Turn - down the left. Wonderful skill, and Liverpool are four on three. But the ball ends up at the feet of Downing, whose ponderous approach extracts all the momentum from an exciting passage of play. The winger cuts inside from the right, is ushered away from danger by a couple of yellow shirts, and turns back. He eventually passes to Johnson, who can't revive the move. The camera pans away from Downing to follow the ball, but I imagine his finger rises to his bottom lip as he tries to work out what went wrong. Maybe he scratched his head in the style of Stan Laurel. I don't know.

75 min: Ten yards out, Vaughan glances a header wide left of the Liverpool goal. Carragher did well to ensure the Norwich man couldn't get proper purchase on that.

77 min: Morison is replaced by Holt. It is absolutely lashing down.

79 min: Johnson has a dig from the best part of 35 yards. It's not awful by any means, but always sailing wide and high. Reina spectates.

81 min: A cross whipped into the Liverpool area from the right. Vaughan shapes like Zinedine Zidane in the 2002 Champions League final, and arrows a thumping shot towards the top right. However Carragher throws himself in the way to block. What marvellous defending.

82 min: WHAT A WAY TO SEAL A HAT-TRICK! Norwich City 0-3 Luis Suarez. This is a majestic finish. Shades of Xabi Alonso, though not quite at the halfway line. Suarez latches onto a loose ball, 45 yards out, down the inside-right channel. Ruddy is on the edge of his box, so Suarez wedges an effort high into the air, over the keeper, and into the empty net. Perfectly judged from distance. That's a truly excellent hat-trick.

85 min: Suarez, his work here done, departs the scene, replaced by Scotland's Uruguay's Sebastian Coates. Gerrard also makes way, Kuyt coming on in his place. "My cup runneth over," writes Linda Howard, whose Xanax is kicking in.

88 min: Everyone going through the motions.

89 min: Downing is in space down the inside-right channel. Kuyt is clear down the inside-left. The former looks for the latter, but the pass is too strong, and Kuyt takes his eye off the ball anyway.

90 min: There will be two added minutes of a game long since over.

FULL TIME: Norwich City 0-3 Liverpool. Pilkington crosses from the right. With Holt lurking, Reina punches clear. And that's that. Liverpool were solid, while Luis Suarez was spectacular. A better hat-trick you'll do well to see, his third goal simply outstanding. He comes off the bench, and grabs the match ball with a wide grin. How does that affect the middle of the table? As we knew from the outset, not much. Though Liverpool are still on Everton's tails for that seventh spot...