Full-time: Monaco 5-2 Tottenham

Falcao's last-ditch attempt to get his hat-trick is denied and that's your lot! Bye.

88 min: Kevin Stewart and Nabil Bentaleb come on for Scott Parker and Kyle Walker.

GOAL! Monaco 5-2 Tottenham (Townsend, 85 min)

Brilliant. He zips inside from the right and fires a low left-footer into the bottom-left corner from 25 yards out.

83 min: Falcao goes so close to his hat-trick. Fabinho sends in a delightful cross from the right and Falcao escapes his marker with ease, only to send a diving header straight at Lloris.

81 min: On comes Tom Carroll for Spurs.

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77 min: Remind me again why Spurs sold Caulker.

76 min: Tom Huddlestone is on for Spurs.

75 min: Fabinho dinks a cross into the Spurs area from the right. Falcao cleverly leaves it to the onrushing Moutinho but he overruns the ball and Lloris claims it.

74 min: I'm still struggling to work out why Gareth Bale would want to go to Real Madrid.

73 min: "Was at the Fifa U-20 World Cup and saw England lose to Egypt in their final group game," says Danny Masters. "Not watching today but Kane was atrocious in that match, missed a hatful of sitters, including a near-open net when it was goalless and England had to win. Really isn't good enough if that's his level." Yeah, he's not the standard for Spurs.

GOAL! Monaco 5-1 Tottenham (Obbadi, 71 min)

It's getting a little bit embarrassing now. Monaco have scored from a Tottenham free-kick. They break three on one - poor Kyle Naughton - and Carrasco shuffles the ball to the right for Obbadi, who takes a touch and hammers it past Lloris.

70 min: A booking! In a friendly! Take that, Carrasco!

GOAL! Monaco 4-1 Tottenham (Falcao, 66 min)

Radamel Falcao 2-1 Harry Kane. The excellent Ocampos creates another one for the Colombian. He cut a cross back from the right and Falcao peeled away from his markers to crack a first-time effort past Lloris from 15 yards out. Lloris got his hands to it and it wasn't in the corner but it was too hot for the goalkeeper to push out.

62 min: Andros Townsend is on for Nacer Chadli.

60 min: Carrasco isolates Walker on the left, turns him inside out and then sees his fierce effort beaten away by Lloris.

59 min: It's probably not on.

GOAL! Monaco 3-1 Tottenham (Kane, 58 min)

The Amazing Goalscoring Machine strikes! Now this was better. Dembele burst through the middle but lost the ball on the edge of the area, mainly because he was being fouled. The referee waved play on but luckily the ball squirted to Kane, who was all alone in the area. He took a touch, managed not to hoick it into the car park and then stroked the ball underneath Subasic. It is on!

57 min: "I think I've talked the wife round, she's agreed to come to dinner with me under the proviso that Harry Kane goes out on loan again," honks Steve Waterhouse.

56 min: Oh, Gylfi Sigurdsson's playing. I did not know that. Meanwhile Rose has a dig from 25 yards out. High, wide and not a goal.

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55 min: Gareth Bale.

53 min: I'm still struggling to get over how bad that touch from Kane was. He looked like he'd never set foot on a football pitch before.

51 min: Spurs are in disarray. Now Carrasco finds space on the left but he drags his shot past the far post from a promising position.

GOAL! Monaco 3-0 Tottenham (Falcao, 49 min)

Monaco break up the other end and immediately punish Kane's profligacy. And Falcao, who had done very little up to this point, has his obligatory goal. Having scored one, Ocampos got clear on the right and with Spurs all over the place, he rolled the ball into the six-yard box, where Falcao crunched a finish high past Lloris.

49 min: This is appalling. Suddenly Harry Kane is clean through on goal but he overruns the ball with an absolutely appalling touch, allowing Subasic to smother it. He's supposed to be a professional footballer. And from there...

GOAL! Monaco 2-0 Tottenham (Ocampos, 47 min)

That didn't take Ocampos long. He's made an instant impact. From the right, Moutinho whips a free-kick to the near post and Ocampos darts in front of Kane to glance a header high past the helpless Lloris.

46 min: Here we go again. Monaco have made three changes, bringing on Mirin, Fabinho and Ocampos. "I think Mark Falco was underrated, actually," says Russell Hope. He would occasionally resemble a lumbering carthorse, but was also capable of sublime moments such as this – my favourite ever Tottenham goal, believe it or not!"

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Half-time: Monaco 1-0 Tottenham

See you in 15 minutes.

45 min+1: James Rodriguez curls a free-kick into the wall.

45 min: "She just read that and she's FURIOUS!" says Steve Waterhouse. "Anyway, 70's party? Just grow a 'tash..." I've ruined a stranger's honeymoon all the way from London. A strong day's work.

44 min: This isn't England v Algeria bad but some pigeons have started to gather on one side of the pitch.

42 min: A free-kick to Spurs around 25 yards out. Walker hits it, it takes a deflection off the wall and Subasic spoons the ball wide. The corner comes to nothing.

41 min: Chadli has been quiet so far. Sell him now. "You could print off some seventies documents and carry them around. Something from Watergate?" says Michael Butler. "Or take your tie off/remain un-tied and pose as a Joy Division member (but not Hooky)."

40 min: "I'm on my honeymoon, so please advertise the fact that I love my wife Lucy," lies Steve Waterhouse. "Anyway, our team selection is quite poor today and our bench is worse. And Arsenal have equalised. Please don't go, Gareth..."

37 min: Kane plucks the ball out of the sky and then thumps one wide from 25 yards out. "Any mixture of corduroy, flannel, and denim will do just fine," says Dan Schulwolf. "However, as the 1970s is a very broad theme, you have a number of other options. I suggest dressing as if its a 70s funk party. Anything that can channel this song and those outfits is bound to be a success, particularly with the ladies."

You misunderstand - I have no time to procure any of these items.

35 min: Monaco are dangerous on the right, where Raggi is rampaging to good effect. His first cross is cut out but he gets another chance to find Falcao. He does and Falcao then rolls it to the left for Kurzawa, who slices his shot well wide under pressure.

33 min: "Go as a streaker," says Mark Turner. Was this a big feature of the 70s?

32 min: Really, though, what is Harry Kane doing in Tottenham's squad?

30 min: I'm off to a party later - I know, how very very - but I've only recently been told it's seventies-themed. Aside from the fact that fancy dress is the worst invention of all time, apart from reality TV, I have no costume. How can I rectify this at short notice? Take into account that I'm heading there straight from work.

27 min: See? The bidding for this signed Mark Falco photograph starts at a cool £10,

26 min: Monaco are playing some very neat one-touch football in midfield at times, although we haven't seen much of Falcao yet. Tottenham had a Falco once.

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24 min: It was James Rodriguez with the assist for Raggi by the by.

22 min: "I'm beginning to think that it is only you covering games for The Guardian these days," says Boba Fettz. "Its no bad thing but I hope they aren't over working you." This is my pre-season too.

20 min: "Was Huiguan among the scorers at the Emirates, with Wenger, in full-lemon-sucking-face, looking on trying to look impassive," says David Wall. "Not to get too literary but I wonder if he's become like Esther Greenwood in the Bell Jar, unsure which of the ripening figs before her on the tree while they inevitably become rotten as he prevaricates."

No, he only came on at half-time and, get this, was booed by the Arsenal fans. Because Real Madrid didn't accept Arsenal's offer, which fell below the asking price.

19 min: Steven Mills wants me to tell you that Clint Dempsey has gone to Seattle Sounders. Now Steven is happy, for this oversight was threatening to ruin his Saturday evening.

17 min: Monaco have the ball in the net again but the flag is belatedly up for offside against Falcao. It's so tight. He was played in by Moutinho and although Lloris stopped him going round him, the ball broke to Carrasco, who couldn't miss. That may well be an incorrect decision.

GOAL! Monaco 1-0 Tottenham (Raggi, 15 min)

Hugo Lloris will be extremely disappointed with this. Rodriguez turned 30 yards from goal and chipped a pass over Rose, who had let Raggi get away from him. The angle was quite tight but the right-back - the right-back - struck the ball cleanly on the volley first-time and it somehow squirmed underneath Lloris at his near post. Raggi's technique was superb but Lloris really should have saved that.

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12 min: Walker swings in a cross from the right. It should be dealt with easily by Subasic but he only succeeds in patting it straight to Chadli. He feints to shoot, dropping the shoulder, but Carvalho isn't buying it.

10 min: This is a worrying sight for Tottenham. Jermain Defoe has just limped off clutching his left hamstring and Harry Kane is on.

8 min: How did you spend your Friday night? I somehow managed to end up watching Partick Thistle v Dundee United. It finished 0-0.

7 min: This is being played at the pace of a pre-season friendly.

6 min: An update on the referee's name.

5 min: Is anybody out there?

3 min: Raggi escapes down the right and inevitably looks for Falcao in the middle. Livermore steps in to deny the Colombian.

2 min: The referee's surname is Bouquet. Here's hoping his first name is Hyacinth.

Peepity peep! We're off! Tottenham, kicking from left to right, get the game underway.

Here come the teams, striding out into the sparsely-populated Stade Louis II. Maybe everyone's stuck in the car park underneath the ground. Monaco are in their red and white kit, Tottenham are in their all-blue away strip.

Apparently he's struggling a little bit. With Jan Vertonghen and Michael Dawson also out, Tottenham are lacking in central defence, which makes the sale of Steven Caulker of Cardiff even more of a noodle-scratcher.

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Gus Poyet is in the ITV studio. That's pretty brave of him given how his last appearance as a pundit went.

Here's something to cheer up any Tottenham fans: Arsenal are 2-0 down against Napoli at half-time in the Emirates Cup. Remember when they were banging on about how much money they were going to spend this summer?

Here are the teams. That's something of a makeshift Tottenham defence - let's hope Zeki Fryers fares better against Falcao than he did against a ghost - and there's no sign of Paulinho or Roberto Soldado.

Monaco: Subasic; Raggi, Kurzawa, Carvalho, Abidal; Toulalan, Obbadi, Moutinho; James Rodriguez, Falcao, Carrasco.

Tottenham: Lloris; Walker, Fryers, Livermore, Rose; Dembele, Parker; Lennon, Sigurdsson, Chadli; Defoe. Subs: Friedel, Naughton, Stewart, Bentaleb, Carroll, Huddlestone, Townsend, Kane.

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Preamble

Afternoon. It's been Gareth Bale this and Gareth Bale that this week but there's no Gareth Bale in Monaco this afternoon so Tottenham will have to play Claudio Ranieri's new-money side without Gareth Bale and, thinking about it, they'll probably have to do without Gareth Bale for good if Gareth Bale gets his move to Real Madrid, who would quite like to sign Gareth Bale for the princely sum of £86m. So this is a good chance for us to see what life without Gareth Bale might be like for Tottenham. It might not be too bad, actually: they've signed Paulinho, a Brazilian midfielder who looked mighty impressive during the Confederations Cup, Nacer Chadli, a hugely promising Belgian winger and Roberto Soldado, a striker - an actual striker. The side has been strengthened. There might be more strengthening. They look strong. Even without Gareth Bale.

Mind you, they haven't strengthened as much as Monaco, who've been spending as crazily as a teenage girl who's nicked her dad's credit card. Thanks to their billionaire Russian owner, Dmitry Rybolovlev, they've been busy redefining European football's landscape, signing Radamel Falcao, Joao Moutinho, James Rodriguez and several other big names after their promotion to Ligue 1. They don't seem especially bothered by Financial Fair Play and while they're not in Europe and might not have quite enough to topple PSG, France's other emerging power, there's bound to be more to come. Maybe they'll sign Gareth Bale. Interesting times. But spare a thought for their manager, Claudio Ranieri, who's probably a little bit wary of Russian owners.

Kick-off: 5.30pm.

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