Peep! Peep! Peeeeeeeeeeep! Well, it's all over and Barnsley have been sent home with their tales between their legs. Man of the Match Carlos Tevez was the driving force behind an emphatic victory that sends the Premier League champions into the semi-finals of this season's FA Cup.
90 min: City take the second corner short and what looks like a well rehearsed training ground move ends with Joleon Lescott heading an Edin Dzeko cross over the bar.
89 min: Luke Steele tries and fails to prevent the ball going out for a corner, which James Milner takes on the left. His delivery is awoeful and fails to clear the first man, whose attempt to clear is even worse - he concedes another corner.
87 min: "I'm acting as a pundit on this match's broadcast on Indonesian national telly," writes Pangeran Siahaan. "I've stopped watching after the 4th goal to flirt with a dazzling assistant producer (imagine someone similar to The Newsroom's Mackenzie McHale) but she's nowhere to be seen. Don't worry about what I'm going to say after 90 minutes. Sky Sports pundits taught me that not watching the game shouldn't stop me from commenting."
85 min: James Milner unleashes a surface-to-air screamer from distance that hits the left upright and bounces back into play. Barnsley clear.
84 min: The camera cuts to Roberto Mancini and his assistant Bryan Kid on the Manchester City bench - the pair of them look thoroughly bored.
83 min: Marlon Harewood is flagged for offside while attempting to get on the end of an overhit cross from the left.
80 min: Although Edin Dzeko still looks dangerous and lively, the City collective appear to have downed tools for the evening, having decided Barnsley have suffered enough. They seem content to run down the clock until full-time, while Barnsley's players appear to have decided not to incur their wrath with further shows of impertinence.
78 min: "Poznan?" asks Nicholas Mbuguain Nairobi. It's a silly dance Manchester City fans appropriated from supporters of the Polish team Lech Poznań and think is hilarious. Here you go ...
76 min: Manchester City substitution: Carlos Tevez off, James Milner on. Tevez walks off to what seems like a fairly frosty reception from his gaffer, Bobby Manc.
73 min: Carlos Tevez, who appears to be limping, keeps looking across to the Manchester City bench telling them he wants to come off. He's had enough and I know how he feels. I can't help but feel that once a team goes 5-0 up, the match should automatically end, no matter how long is left. In the stands, bored Manchester City fans are trying to amuse themselves by doing The Poznan. That's all well and good for them, but if I do that, I will be unable to see the match or type.
71 min: Having shown signs of life in recent minutes, only to be cruelly slapped down by David Silva, Barnsley appear to have gone back into their collective shell a bit. Marlon Harewood tries a shot from distance but sends his effort well wide.
68 min: "Being born in Zagreb, and going to a lot of concerts at Maksimir, i can safely say that since they replaced the seats, and done some paint job the stadium is decent," writes Marin. "The U2 concert at the same stadium was one of the best regarding customer experience. Hope it helps. Also, everything is considerably cheaper than in UK, makes pre and after concert even better."
GOAL! Manchester City 5-0 Barnlsey (Silva 65) David Silva bundles the ball over the line after his initial shot from close range had been saved by Steele. The Spaniard had gone on a surging run from midfield, picked out Tevez to his right and kept running to pick up the perfectly placed return pass. If this was the Grand National, somebody would throw a blanket over Barnsley and erect green canvas screens around them before doing the humane thing.
64 min: Edin Dzeko's touch is excellent as he brings a long pass from deep under control and tries to chip Luke Steele. He fails.
60 min: Those substitutions have really shaken up this game - Ryan Tunnicliffe forces a good save out of Costel Pantillimon after rampaging from midfield into the Manchester City penalty area and shooting low and hard across the face of goal. The goalkeeper stuck out a foot and managed to keep the ball out, but it fell to Mellis who shot tamely.
57 min: After some excellent play around the edge of the Manchester City penalty area, Barnsley fashion their first chance of the match. It falls to Jacob Mellis the substitute, who brings a smart save out of Costel Pantillimon with a diagonal drive from about 18 yards. And yes, that's the same Jacob Mellis who was fired by Chelsea for letting off a smoke grenade at their training ground. He might have been kept on if he'd shot a work experience kid with an air rifle instead.
56 min: "I've seen Depeche Mode a few times but never anywhere more glamourous than Manchester Arena," writes Sean O'Keefe. "They're playing the San Siro this tour. I'd go there if I had the money. This reminds me that I once got chatting to a fan after a gig who had flown over from New Jersey. He said he was thinking of making a pilgrimage to their hometown of Basildon. I literally had nothing to say. I probably muttered something about concrete."
51 min: MAnchester City substitution: The lesser spotted Scott Sinclair on, Samir Nasri off. Barnsley triple substitution: Jason Scotland, Jim O'Brien and Jacob Mellis on, Kelvin Etuhu, Chris Dagnall and ... um, somebody else who I didn't spot off.
GOAL! Manchester City 4-0 Barnsley (Tevez 49) Tevez completes his hat-trick, sweeping the ball home from about 12 yards out after being picked out by an excellent cross through the penalty area from Samir Nasri. Once again, Barnsley's defence was found seriously wanting - they just stood and watched.
48 min: Now there's something you don't see every day - Aleksandar Kolarov gets penalised for a foul throw, with the eagle-eyed linesman spotting that he had one foot over the white line as he hoisted the ball over his head. Moments later, Kolarov gets clattered by Ryan Tunnicliffe, who gets booked for his troubles.
Second half: Well, I can confirm Barnsley haven't done a runner and are back out for the second half. They get the ball rolling for what promises to be another 45 minutes of pain; there are no changes on either side.
An email from Tom in London: "Derby's Stephen Pearson was given a straight red for dissent in a home game against Ipswich in 2010/11... just one of the many infuriating things us Rams fans have had to put up with over recent seasons," he fumes.
An email from Allan Castle: "This is a website with an international following," he points out. "Unrecognized by those who imagine that reference to 'Yaya's sensational dink' won't cause uncontrollable sniggering in the colonies." The thought hadn't crossed my mind, Allan, but now you've brought it to my attention I must confess to a minor fit of schoolboy sniggering.
An email from Gordon Pittendrigh: "As City have this sown up, can you ask if your other reader has ever been to see a concert in Zagreb," he says. "Am thinking about going there to see Depeche Mode, but not sure what stadium there is like." On the only night I ever spent in Zagreb, Iron Maiden were gigging there. Sadly, I couldn't get a ticket for love or money and didn't get to see the show. I'd go if I were you - Zagreb's a nice spot.
An email from Paul Ruffley: "Has anyone been sent off for two yellows both for dissent before?" he asks. I don't know off the top of my head, Paul, but I'd say it's likely. Yayya is certainly making a good fist of it today. He's being incredibly belligerent, which seems bewildering considering what a one-sided contest this has been thus far.
Half-time: Barnsley go in three goals down and could do worse than sneak on to their team-bus at half-time and hightail it back to Yorkshire. They're getting a hiding here and will struggle to keep the score down once the fatigue from all their largely futile first-half running sets in.
45+1 min: Ah, this is just unfair. Barnsley's defenders are left chasing shadows as Messrs Nasri, Dzeko and Silva pass their way through them with contemptuous ease. They go close again, but fail to trouble Luke Steele's goal.
44 min: "If you're not going to mention Yaya's sensational dink to set up Silva for Tevez's goal, I will," writes Philip Podolsky. It was indeed splendid, Philip and I meant no affront to Mr Toure by neglecting to mention it. He's playing like a man who's been seriously affronted - he's already been booked for dissent and has been moaning at the referee non-stop for the entire first half.
42 min: City go close again, with a rogue touch from Edin Dzeko preventing Carlos Tevez from completing a first-half hat-trick. The ball was squared and the Bosnian knocked it out of the path of Tevez, who had ghosted in behind him and was perfectly placed to tap in at post.
41 min: After 40 minutes, Barnsley finally launch an attack of note. After some neat build-up play, Scott Wiseman sends in a cross from deep on the right and Chris Dagnall heads high and wide. Prior to that, Edin Dzeko had brought two comfortable saves out of Luke Steele with shots from distance, the first at the end of a move comprising 20 or more passes.
38 min: Of course while I said Barnsley aren't playing particularly badly, some of their defending has been atrocious, not least for |City's third goal. Silva and Tevez were given far too much time and wriggle-room by defenders who appeared to be mesmerised into paralysis by their fluid passing play.
37 min: I feel for Barnsley here - they're not playing particularly badly, they're just not being given a sniff of the ball by a Manchester City side they've caught on a particularly good day. Or bad, depending on your point of view. Thery're up for this and showing no signs of easing off on their forlorn looking opposition.
33 min: The movement and positional awareness of the City players was a joy to behold there - it was one of those fluid, lightning fast pass-and-move attacks that are the bane of us minute-by-minute reporter's lives: like the ball-bearing in a pinball machine, the football was sent pinging into the penalty area, where David Silva combined with Dzeko to pick out Carlos Tevez., who turned and slotted the ball home from close range despite apparently being surrounded by defenders.
GOAL! Manchester City 3-0 Barnsley (Tevez 31) If Carlos Tevez is stressed out about his alleged driving misadventures, he's hiding it well. He starts and finishes another splendid passage of play, poking the ball home from close range after beginning the attack on the halfway line.
29 min: The build-up to that goal was sublime. Dzeko won the ball from Chris Dagnall on the halfway line and after neat interplay between Silva and Tevez, the Argentinian was sent motoring up the inside right flank with the ball at his feet. Raising his head and having a good look around, he spotted the run of Kolarov and picked his team-mate out with a splendid pass.
GOAL! Manchester City 2-0 Barnlsey (Kolarov 27): At the end of a surging run from deep, Manchester City's left-back is picked out by a wonderfully timed and weighted pull-back across the face of goal from Carlos Tevez and slots the ball into the bottom right-hand corner from 15 yards or so for his fourth goal of the season.
23 min: City win a corner and the ball's sent in from the left. With Stephen Foster holding a handful of his shirt, Edin Dzeko tries to leap and head the ball goalwards. His movement is impaired by the close attention of Foster and the ball hits his back and goes wide.
22 min: Barnsley embark on a rare sortie into the Manchester City half, courtesy of Chris Dagnall. He's fouled by Yaya Toure near the halfway line and the Ivorian reacts petulantly to the shrill blast of the referee's whistle. The official, Anthony Taylor, riffs, be-bops and scats all over Toure's pain by showing him a yellow card.
20 min: From just inside the Barnlsey penalty area, Carlos Tevez picks out David Silva with an audacious dink over a couple of defenders. The Spaniard sticks out a foot to control the ball, but succeeds only in hooking it into his own face: splat! Again, those are the kind of silky and close control I'd expect to see from ... me.
18 min: Another cross-field pass from Silva to Nasri on the left flank and he plays the ball forward to Aleksandar Kolarov, who's up on the overlap. The City left-back crosses and Carlos Tevez heads over.
17 min: A little over quarter of an hour in and the atmosphere at the Etihad seems to be a bit flat. It's one of those games City fans and players might struggle to get enthused about, not least because they're expected to steamroller these upstarts from the Championship.
14 min: Samir Nasri plays a pass out wide to Edin Dzeko on the touchline but the No10 actually steps off the pitch to control the ball and concedes a throw0in deep in Barnsley territory. That's the kind of silky touch and close control I'd expect to see from ... me.
12 min: Tevez gives the ball to Nasri just outside the Barnsley penalty area, puts his foot down and accelerates towards the edge of the six-yard box for the return pass over the top. When it comes, there's too much welly on it - the ball carries through to Luke Steele.
GOAL! Manchester City 1-0 Barnsley (Tevez 10) Carlos Tevez puts City in the driving seat, steering the ball into an empty goal from three yards out after Luke Steele had done well to divert a diagonal David Silva drive onto the upright. The ricochet was kind to Tevez, who was first to react. Manchester City are motoring.
8 min: Lovely stuff from David Silva, who opens up the play with a wonderful pass from right to left, out wide to Samir Nasri. The Frenchman sends in a cross towards Edin Dzeko, who puts it over the bar.
6 min: Edin Dzeko wins the ball down by the by-line and is forced out towards the corner flag by Scott Wiseman. The big Bosnian tries to dribble his way out of the cul de sac, but is unable to get past the full-back.
4 min: From the left flank, Aleksandr Kolarov tries to cross the ball low and hard into the Barnsley penalty area, but it's cut out by Scott Wiseman. City continue probing and win a corner, from which nothing comes. This is a very assured start by City, who are already turning the screw.
2 min: Manchester City probe down the right flank, with Pablo Zabaleta picking out Edin Dzeko with a speculative long diagonal pass. Martin Cranie clatters into the City striker and concedes the first free-kick of the match. The ball's swung into the mixer and Barnsley goalkeeper Luke Steele punches clear.
1 min: Manchester City kick off, with Tevez playing alongside rather than behind Edin Dzeko up front and, in an unusual turn of events, Samir Nasri on the left of midfield and David Silva on the right.
How Barnsley line up ...
Barnsley will play a 4-4-1-1, with Kelvin Etuhu (right) and Tomasz Cywka (left) bookending a central midfield pairing of Ryan Tunnicliffe and David Perkins. Chris Dagnell will play in the hold behind lone frontman Marlon Harewood.
Not long now ...
The teams march down the tunnel and on to the pitch, with Barnsley manager David Flitcroft's children included in the squad of Barnsley mascots and those of his brother Garry among the Manchester City mascots.
Betting corner with Sean Ingle
The 22,000-1 FA Cup fourfold flagged up by my colleague Sean Ingle on Thursday's Football Weekly ... Extra is up and running, with Wigan having seen off Everton earlier today. Seanie suggested a bet on all four away sides in the quarter-finals and ... em, just needs Barnsley, Chelsea and Blackburn to oblige for a tidy collect.
ESPN get obligatory Dickie Bird interview out of the way
The retired international cricket umpire and professional Barnsley native doesn't seem to confident of his side's chances and says he'll be depressed if they lose. Elsewhere, Roberto Mancini says that games such as these are "very dangerous" and assured us that despite his arrest on suspicion of driving while disqualified on Thursday night, Carlos Tevez is in the right frame of mind to play. "We are down to two strikers and I pick Edin and Carlos because we need to score."
Pre-match niceties ...
On ESPN, Barnsley manager David Flitcroft explains the secret of his success. "I listen, I learn, I want to be part of the group. I want to lead the group from within." His team were invited to train at Carrington by Sir Alex Ferguson this week, presumably as pay-back for Manchester City letting Real Madrid train at the Etihad stadium ahead of their win over United in the Champions League.
"Whatever has been thrown at us in the League or Cup, we have been able to compete, and that is the intention today," said Flitcroft. "City are elite in every aspect, so it will be a challenge. In fact, we watched them against Chelsea and they are breathtaking. It is a fixture that will hit you with fear if you let it, but we aim to give it a go."
Manchester City v Barnsley line-ups ...
Man City: Pantilimon, Zabaleta, Toure, Lescott, Kolarov, Nasri,
Toure, Barry, Silva, Dzeko, Tevez.
Subs: Hart, Milner, Sinclair, Javi Garcia, Clichy, Nastasic, Razak.
Barnsley: Steele, Wiseman, Cranie, Kennedy, Foster, Etuhu,
Tunnicliffe, Perkins, Cywka, Dagnall, Harewood.
Subs: Lidakevicius, Hassell, Delap, O'Brien, Scotland, Mellis, Rose.
Referee: Anthony Taylor (Cheshire)
The lowest ranked side left in this season's FA Cup, Barnsley, sit third from bottom of the Championship and can be backed at odds as long as 25-1 to win this afternoon's quarter-final against the Premier League champions in 90 minutes. It's a tall order; in their previous three encounters against Manchester City, David Flitcroft's team have shipped 15 goals and the Tykes will be hoping their top scorer Chris Dagnall has a good day at the office and bring his tally for the season into double figures. In trouble with the law after having had his collar felt for driving while disqualified on Thursday night, Carlos Tevez might be asked to sit this one out, while his compatriot Sergio Aguero is out with a knee injury.
• Man City have won both previous FA Cup meetings between the teams, in 1947-48 and 1992-93
• Barnsley have won just two of their past 11 FA Cup games against Premier League sides
• Man City have scored 39 goals in their past 18 FA Cup games, failing to score on just one occasion
• This is Barnsley's seventh quarter-final appearance, they have lost all of them apart from eliminating Chelsea in 2007/8
• Man City have won their past three matches against Barnsley, scoring 15 goals