One more chance for Liverpool. Zenit take a very long time over a throw-in. Reina hoofs the ball up the pitch but that's it. A magnificent effort from Liverpool but it was too much to ask after conceding that early goal. Suarez and Enrique were excellent.
90min+1: Liverpool have actually faded slightly in the last 10 minutes. Sterling wins a corner though. Reina is up for it. He nearly gets his head to it too.
90 min: Another handball claim, this one less certain than the one earlier in the half. Three minutes of added time.
88 min: Liverpool are running out of time at the rate of a second a second. Or 60 seconds a minute. Hubocan is stamped on by Suarez, semi-accidentally.
86 min: Free-kick to Liverpool and it's taken quickly - and cleared quickly. Agger deals with Hulk though.
84 min: Sterling is on for Downing. For Zenit Rodic replaces Semak.
82 min: Denisov's woeful pass gives Liverpool another chance to attack. The narrative says Liverpool win this but narrative doesn't always work out.
80 min: Hulk has a free-kick around 35-yards out. That's his range, although the shot was better served for something from the 100-yard range. "Jenny may be one of the more aggressive, but more svelte Humboldt Squid of the Pacific North West," says Mark Lunt. "That’s meant as a compliment." I know it's meant as a compliment, it just doesn't sound like one.
78 min: Lovely ball from Downing, and it eventually wins a corner after Gerrard is tackled. That's cleared but Liverpool get another – Agger's header goes wide though after a great leap.
75 min: The defender miscontrols and Shelvey roars in and leathers the ball just wide. "A squid!" cries Jenny Sofia. "I know I put on a couple of pounds during the Christmas over-eating period, but to compare me to a giant Pacific squid (63 mins) seems rather excessive and a touch mean-spirited, if you don't mind me saying."
73 min: A good few minutes for the keepers. Reina shows excellent reflexes and strong hands to turn away a Hulk howitzer.
72 min: Gerrard's volley hits the pitch and skips up: Malaffev has to make a very good save. "When I took off from Minnesota, we needed four," says jet setting's Matt Unwin. "Now cruising at 36000 ft towards home in Salt Lake City we only need one? Damn! Suarez for the hat trick!"
70 min: Pah! Suarez is rubbish at free-kicks. It was probably going wide but given events earlier this evening, Malafeev palms it away anyway.
69 min: Assaidi is hauled down by Neto and Liverpool have a free-kick on the edge of the area. Now, who should take this? Suarez has a bit of form ...
67 min: Hulk's free-kick flies just wide of the post. That's the first real scare since the Zenit opener.
66 min: Shelvey is booked for a lusty hack on Hulk. Sub news: it was Henderson who made way for Assaidi. You're not interested anymore, are you?
63 min: Corner to Liverpool but nothing comes of it. It's easy to forget Zenit are still going through on away goals. I forgot to say Assaidi is now on.
A letter from Mac Millings:
Dear Boundless Enthusiasm's Ryan Dunne
Ignore Housewives' Favourite, Tom Luzt. Keep using MBMs to try and pick up girls you've never met and who live half-way around the world, like a Hebridean fisherman casting his line and expecting to catch a Pacific Giant Squid. It really can happen. Despite my life's many, well-documented-on-these-very-pages missteps, I've ended up happily married, with three kids. Mind you, it's not all as ideal as it seems here in Millingstopia. Only yesterday, on my watch, the baby fell down the stairs. Fortunately, she appears to be a gifted acrobat.
60 min: It's fair to say Liverpool are back in this. What would they do without Suarez, that was his 25th of a magnificent season.
GOAL! Liverpool 3-1 Zenit (Suarez 58)
Suarez's first goal was excellent, that was several levels above. It curls ludicrously and slies in past Malafeev's left-hand. Wow.
58 min: Neto takes out Suarez and Liverpool have a free-kick 30 yards out in the centre of the pitch.
55 min: Downing nearly plays in Suarez in the area. "Never mind carthorse meat, I'd have thought that the Anfield faithful would have plans in place to put Carra out to stud this summer, considering they 'all dream of a team of Carraghers…'", says Justin Kavanagh.
53 min: Zenit were taking a battering but have managed to relieve the pressure slightly - they're even in the Liverpool half now. I don't want this match to end, partly because it's cold outside and I forgot my hat but mainly because this is an enthralling encounter.
51 min: Calls for handball and rightly so: Hubocan looked guilty. Suarez then has a shot well saved. "The Joeallen?" ventures Matt Dony.
50 min: The excellent Enrique sends in another cross to Downing (I think, I was typing) but it's cleared. "Re: working two jobs, Tom," says Matt Kemp. "Spare a thought for Chris Kamara, who, as well as working for a well known satellite TV company, also appears to be gearing up for some 'solo pleasure' (before being interrupted) in a creepy TV advert punctuating tonight's TV coverage." Well paid solo pleasure too, I imagine. It's past the watershe so we're allowed to call solo-pleasure what it really is: stamp collecting.
47 min: Downing cuts into the area but his shot is blocked by Criscito. "In a few weeks there may be evidence of traces of Carra being found in supermarket burgers," chortles Ian Copestake.
46 min: We're off again. We've got a treat on our hands, mark my misspelled words. Criscito and Fayzulin are on for Danny and Lombaerts."In the half-time chat Alan Curbishleywas consistently referring to 'The Hulk'," writes Michael Brown. "Are there any other players who've regularly had definite articles attached to their names? The Popov? The Batistuta?" The-o Walcott?
"Re: Twix choice. Perhaps it's code for gay or straight, with taking right *and* left swinging both ways," says Ryan Dunne. "That said, I like the cut of Jenny's jib. She sounds like my kinda gal!" Ryan Dunne, the only man to attempt to pick up on minute-by-minutes.
"Uefa Cup/Europa League match against Eastern European opposition requiring an against-all-the-odds comeback," asks Chris Bannister. "Step aside, Stevie - Stewie's got this."
Half-time emails: "Left Twix or right Twix, Tom," asks Jenny Sofia. Both Twixes. "Surely the most moronic premise for a TV advert ever, although there's a new Peugeot advert with a man, a cat, an unrelated young couple and some weather, which makes absolutely NO sense whatsoever. Sadly I must have seen it about twenty times and haven't got the foggiest as to what's going on. Anyone?"
"So is Nath Jones (42nd min) saying that Joe Allen can't play the 60 yard Hollywood ball into Row Z a la Gerrard," wonders Don Rett.
Half-time: Suarez is fouled by Neto and they have a free-kick on the left of the area. Gerrard takes ... he goes for the cross and Malafeev fumbles but gathers at the second attempt. What a half, I'm nipping off for a Twix, see you in a 15 minutes.
45min +1: Corner to Liverpool. Downing's header cannons off Carragher. Henderson is called for a foul on the keeper anyway.
45 min: Two minutes of added time. "I've always rated Joe Allen," mea-culpas Matt Kemp.
GOAL! Liverpool 2-1 Zenit (Allen 43)
You know when we were having a go at Allen? Well ... Enrique finds space again, crosses for Allen. His header is saved but he follows up with a stabbed shot into the net.
42 min: Zenit are containing Liverpool who have slowed down a little since the Suarez goal. Nath Jones on Joe Allen: "At Swansea City, Joe Allen's pass completion was about 95%. His job was to sit deep, take the ball from the centre-backs and use it quickly. When he moved to Liverpool he did the same thing and was excellent. Then everyone said he needed to take more chances and play some Gerrard-style Hollywood passes. Now he does that, and isn't as good."
40 min: Enrique has been very lively on the left. His cross is too long for his team-mates though."The real question tonight is what would Brendan Rogers' Saturday job be, if he wasn't busy plotting these 'almost perfect' performances in Europe?" wonders Justin Kavanagh. "Faith healer? Helicopter tour operator?" I bet he gets paid more than I did for his Saturday job. And he doesn't even work some Saturdays.
37 min: Enrique nearly finds Suarez with a lovely, sneaky through-ball but a Zenit boot clears. "Seems like Jose Enrique has let his normally meticulously geometric grooming go to pot in your photo," says James Debens. "The other lad was great in Amelie." Everyone was great in Amelie. Even the gnome.
34 min: Carragher wins the battle with Hulk this time, getting between him and the ball and allowing his team-mates to clear. Danny flashes a volley wide. "As a Liverpool fan, I've spent the last few months trying to figure out what a 'Joe Allen' is how it works. It appears to be broken," says Matt Kemp. "It comes to something when I'm slightly miffed he's playing instead of Shelvey."
32 min: It's Reina's turn to eff-up a backpass, airkicking to his heart's content. He does recover though but Zenit go on to win a free-kick. Hulk takes an 83-yard run-up but the wall holds. This is exciting. I may watch football again, it it played most weeks?
30 min: The comeback is on. The atmosphere is terrific now and Liverpool have another free-kick. Anyukov has to head away under some pressure. "Hope your MBM-double heading is appreciated by management Tom," says Ryan Dunne. "Similarly, I'm sure I can't be the only one wondering why Fiver regulars (who can read the Fiver in five minutes and spaff off emails in less) get awarded with free scarfs, while us MBM regulars - who put in the hours - get hee haw prizes?! Hell, Simon "Da Man" McMahon has a full-blown real life wife, and he's still here all the time! Can you have a word with your bosses about prizes for the best/most frequent MBMers? I'll take free Soul Mates membership and a Glorious Glasgow Rangers scarf ta!" There's a napkin on my desk. It may be used.
GOAL! Liverpool 1-1 Zenit (Suarez 27)
Free-kick to Liverpool just outside the area. Suarez will take. And he'll score! Thumped into the bottom-right hand corner. "But the pundits said Liverpool's recent resurgence (sic) was all down to the return of Carragher. Are you now going to tell me the likes of Andy Townsend are...wrong?," says Steve Waterhouse.
25 min: On the positive side, Liverpool are panicking and continue to build slowly. On the negative side they need to score four. "My first Saturday job was as Mr Whippy in a kiosk on the beach front of St Annes-on-Sea," says Phil Sawyer. "You were locked in there all morning by yourself and were crossed legged with desperation for the loo by the time someone came to give you a break at lunchtime. My apologies to anyone who bought an orange crush in the mid eighties while on a visit to the resort that was curiously flat and warm and oddly tangy." Oh you're that Phil Sawyer.
22 min: I suppose Liverpool have nothing to do but attack now – and plenty of time to do it. Zenit have slowed down already. All they need to do now is not collapse horribly. Henderson's shot is charged down.
21 min: Nope, Carragher's backpass wasn't deflected, just defective. A terrible moment in what looks like being his last ever European appearance for Liverpool.
GOAL! Liverpool 0-1 Zenit (Hulk 18)
A terrible backpass from Carragher, it may have deflected slightly off Hulk, who chases it down and then slides the ball past Reina. This may be over.
18 min: Gerrard who has been busy so far, finds some space but his cross for Henderson is more of a cross for Malafeev. "It's Thursday evening in the UK," says Dan Schulwolf. " Your colleagues and friends are getting ready to hit the pubs. Unfortunately, the man has declared that you must work a Europa League double shift, culminating in Liverpool's laughable attempts to overturn a 2-0 deficit against a team whose fans recently released an (allegedly) racist manifesto. Surely the Thursday night shift should be handled by an older colleague, one who's youth is essentially over, perhaps a Glendenning or Smyth? You are wasting the last vestiges of your youth sitting behind a desk, when you should be out on the town getting your 'kicks,' Kerouac style. You should shut down this MBM now! iViva la Revolution!" I'm 85 though.
16 min: Johnson gets in the way of a Gerrard pass just as Liverpool mount a nice attack down the right. "Pshaw, a fishmonger and a pet store?," scoffs Daniel Strauss. "My second job during my misspent youth was fetching softballs under a batting cage in Austin, TX one summer (think scorching, brain-melting heat). I lasted an entire afternoon until one well-struck fastball split the alleged 'safety netting' and caught me square in the stomach. Once I was able to stand again, I just left. I still don't remember if they paid me for that day or not." I would have imagined your six-pack deflected said fastball.
14 min: Downing is all on his own just outside the Zenit area. But that's because he's offside. "Ah, the Saturday job," sighs Paul Tovey. I still remember my first one, in a newsagent. I was raking in £3 an hour." £3?! I was on £1.75, although I did get a pay rise to £3.50 once I joined the Guardian full-time.
11 min: Gerrard has a free-kick 35-yards out. As a clearance it would have been excellent, as an attempt on goal, it's lacking. "So Liverpool need to score three goals in what would be a famous European comeback," says Matt Dony. "Olympiakos, Milan, then Zenit. It is on!" I'd rate the Milan one slightly higher.
9 min: It's been a lively start to the game, Zenit aren't satisfied to sit back and let Liverpool chase the game. Liverpool are sharp too and Neto has to act quickly to clear.
7 min: Witsel strides forward and finds Danny on the right. His through ball is excellent. Provided he was trying to find Reina.
5 min: Henderson's volley goes out for a throw-in. That's how good it was. "Pah! You may be doing a MBM double header but I had two Saturday jobs as a youngster," says Andy Wright. "In a fishmongers and then a pet shop. Not a good smell combination."
3 min: Early shot for Zenit. Semak's effort slithers wide. Suarez then attempts to bring a long ball down but can't quite control it in the area. The opposition area, don't worry.
1 min: Zenit kick off, they're in white and, in a revolutionary move, Liverpool are in red. I'm just in from the Newcastle minute-by-minute so apologies for the lack of big match build up. If you want some feel free to stick the Final Countdown on your stereo and crank the volume all the way to 3.
The teams are in
They line up as follows:
Liverpool: Reina, Johnson, Carragher, Agger, José Enrique, Lucas, Allen, Downing, Gerrard, Henderson, Suarez. Subs: Gulacsi, Assaidi, Coates, Fernandez Saez, Sterling, Shelvey, Wisdom.
Zenit St Petersburg: Malafeev, Aniukov, Luis Neto, Lombaerts, Hubocan, Witsel, Denisov, Shirokov, Danny, Hulk, Semak. Subs: Zhevnov, Bruno Alves, Criscito, Bukharov, Kerzhakov, Faitzulin, Rodic.
Referee: Bjorn Kuipers (Holland)
Well, Liverpool are 2-0 down from the first leg so at a rough guess, I'd say Liverpool … will attack tonight. Don't expect Liverpool to be too aggressive though, Brendan Rodgers is happy to play the waiting game: “It is not a game where we need the first five or 10 minutes to be chaotic,” he said before the game. “We have to be aggressive in attack and to have intensity in our pressing. The first goal is important. If that comes after 40, 55 or 70 minutes, I still think we have the power of the crowd and the players to get the result."
Two of Liverpool's better players of late, Sturridge and Coutinho are ineligible, while Borini and Skrtel are injured. Apologies for the brevity of the preamble – which in no way is padded out by quotes I copied and pasted – but as you read this I'm probably just finishing off the Newcastle game. Or describing their exciting 14-13 penalty shootout victory, in which case we're already in the middle of the first-half at Anfield. What's the score?