Look I don't want any toast, and he doesn't want any toast. In fact, no one around here wants any toast. Not now. Not ever. No toast.
What about a muffin?
Or muffins. We don't like muffins round here. We want no muffins, no toast, no teacakes, no buns, baps, baguettes or bagels. No croissants, no crumpets, no pancakes, no potato cakes and no hot cross buns. And definitely, no smegging flapjacks
Ah, so you're a waffle man!*
Yes, Red Dwarf returns to British screens tonight, an old favourite that in its heyday was wonderful to watch and pretty damn successful to boot, but which has struggled to recreate those past glories of late other than in the odd sporadic moment. Tonight sees the latest attempt to recapture the old magic.
So then (and you may notice what I've done here) to Liverpool Football Club, who welcome Udinese to Anfield tonight in what should be one of the better ties in the Europa League group stage. The Italians, thanks to Antonio Di Natale, rescued a point from their opening game against Anzhi Makhachkhachkhachkala, while Liverpool took the larger share of eight goals in Switzerland against Young Boys, with Jonjo Shelvey scoring twice in the final 14 minutes in Berne to get Liverpool off to a winning start. What a guy!
Liverpool: Reina, Johnson, Coates, Carragher, Robinson, Henderson, Allen, Shelvey, Downing, Borini, Assaidi. Subs:
Queeg, Selby, Petersen, Chen Jones, Sahin, Suarez, Gerrard, Sterling, Skrtel, Wisdom.
Udinese: Brkic, Benatia, Danilo, Domizzi, Faraoni, Agyemang-Badu, Pinzi, Pasquale, Pereyra, Di Natale, Armero. Subs: Padelli, Ranegie, Coda, Lazzari, Fabbrini, Heurtaux, Willians.
Referee: Stefan Johannesson (Sweden)
So only Joe Allen, Glen Johnson and Jose Reina survive from the win over Norwich at the weekend. Fabio Borini, Oussama Assaidi, Shelvey and Jack Robinson are among the eight who come in.
*No, I didn't have to look that up.
The tactics truck
Udinese will play three at the back, with Faraoni and Pasquale pushing on as the wing-backs. You'd imagine Borini will play down the middle for Liverpool, with Assaidi and Downing either side. Downing and Henderson looking as much part of the Liverpool second XI as Carragher these days. But then Brendan Rodgers has shown his willingness to throw into the league team those who impress in Europe. It's [cliche alert] a chance for them to show what they can do.
Click-clack, click-clack … The players are in the tunnel.
Peep!!! Liverpool get things underway at Anfield. In other news, referee Stefan Johannesson has a very fine, very keenly shaped, beard.
1 min: Liverpool were brilliant at Carrow Road on Saturday, Gerrard, Suarez and Sahin particularly. Interesting though that Rodgers feels he cannot leave out Joe Allen. He's already completely fundamental to how this team play.
2 min: Shelvey lofts at aimless cross from the right behind the Udinese goal.
3 min: Faraoni's cross is deflected behind. Corner to Udinese …
4 min: … taken short to Pinzi. Cleared with ease by Coates.
5 min: After some (what is now becoming trademark) Liverpool pass, pass, passing, Assaidi shimmies and shuffles inside and lines up a shot but is smothered by the swarming defence.
7 min: FINE SAVE! Brkic denies Coates, who powers a header at goal from a corner. The ball drops somewhat fortuitously at the keeper's feet but Brkic scrambles it away before Borini can react.
9 min: "With the ITV commentary team seemingly uninterested in anything other than Stewart Downing tonight, I wonder whether his struggles at Liverpool were to be expected," wonders David Wall. "I'm struggling to think of many, or any, players who have been sold by Martin O'Neill and gone on to do better at the buying club. Is that perhaps the main trait that O'Neill learnt from Brian Clough, the ability to get good transfers fees from your rivals yet without actually helping them to strengthen?"
10 min: Johnson and Downing link up nicely down the right, but Johnson's ball is about as threatening as Rimmer's army in Meltdown.
12 min: Pinzi picks out the run of Faraoni with a lovely dinked ball into the box. The wing-back can't quite pull it back, however.
14 min: A QUITE BRILLIANT SAVE! Di Natale sends in a free-kick so vicious it eats raw wolf for breakfast, Benatia gets a near-perfect glancing flick on it, but Reina goes down superbly to make the stop. Somebody smoke him a kipper.
16 min: Borini wriggles past a defender or two, but his shot across goal goes well wide of Brkic's post.
17 min: A defensive error allows Downing to find Borini in the box, but the Italian air-kicks, the ball thumps again his standing leg, and the chance is gone.
18 min: The impressive Faraoni looks in trouble. He's picked up an injury, possible hamstring knack.
20 min: Assaidi does well to make space for a cross, but the cross itself isn't much to write home about. Meanwhile, Faraoni looks OK to continue.
GOAL!!! Liverpool 1-0 Udinese (Shelvey 23) And a very good goal it is too. Shelvey finds Downing down the right, Downing produces a peach of a cross with his right foot that finds the meaty forehead of his team-mate and the header is buried past Brkic.
24 min: Faraoni drills in a super cross from the right with the outside of his right foot, but neither on his onrushing team-mates can connect.
26 min: Downing does well to halt Pasquale as the Udinese left wing-back surges forward.
28 min: Pereyra slides forward and plays in Di Natale, who from the right curls a quite remarkable effort at goal with the outside of his right boot. That was ludicrous. And almost sensational. It zips a yard over Reina's crossbar.
30 min: More pass, pass, pass than Liverpool – they really are becoming a nice team to watch – and Downing is away. He cuts inside, but sees his shot blocked by the massing ranks in the Udinese defence.
32 min: Udinese look dangerous on the break here, but Liverpool are probably edging it still.
33 min: Robinson hoiks a cross in. Cleared.
35 min: Udinese's fans are currently singing something along the line of "Ally, ally, ally! Ally, ally, ally! Ally, ally, ally!" Sounds a bit like Drive by REM.
37 min: Shelvey shimmies himself a yard of space on the edge of the box. Deflected wide. Corner …
38 min: … nodded away. "Downing is playing well?" writes a bemused Dave Heffernan. "Will I have to redirect my schadenfreude elsewhere?"
40 min: Downing drops a shoulder and goes past one, then repeats the trick past Danilo only to find himself sent tumbling. Dangerous free-kick this …
41 min: … curled into the top of the wall by Downing. From the resultant corner Udinese scramble it away.
43 min: "Having watched all of Liverpool's games this season, despite all the plaudits (deservedly) being aimed at our attacking youngsters, the player who's quietly impressed me whenever he gets a game is Coates," writes Phil Sawyer. "Good reading of the game and good timing, two essentials for a quality centre back. He must be pressing for a first team place soon. Of course, now that I've thoroughly jinxed him expect an absolute howler of Keystone Cops awesomeness to gift Udinese a goal." Keystone Coates?
45 min: "I think that might have been a foul there you know" screams Carragher at the assistant referee. I'm paraphrasing.
Peep!!! A very satisfactory half for Liverpool comes to a close.
Half-time email dept
"I've been desperately trying to shoehorn some Red Dwarf comparisons into the match but all I've come up with is that Downing is like Kryten; dependable but without imagination or flair, if you exclude the groinal attachments. Brendan Rodgers as Holly guiding a big red metaphorical craft through space?" – Dave Nottingham
Peep! Udinese, having replaced Armero with Flavio Lazzani, kick off the second half.
GOAL! Liverpool 1-1 Udinese (Di Natale 46) Just 33 seconds into the second half Udinese have the equaliser. The substitute Lazzani gets free down the right. His pull-back is met sweetly by Di Natale, whose shot goes flying past Reina.
48 min: It was Glen Johnson's poor touch that set Udinese away for that goal. A minor mistake in the grand scheme of things, but one that was punished ruthlessly.
49 min: Elsewhere in the Europa League (and apologies to anyone trying Likely Lads-style to avoid this result (although if you are then a football website is not really the right place to be)) Newcastle have gone 3-0 up against Bordeaux. You can follow that match with Paul Doyle here.
50 min: "I think we can lay the blame for that goal squarely at the feet of whichever genius decided to send Liverpool back out to the strains of Oasis," writes Phil Sawyer. "The whole stadium was so stunned Udinese caught them napping. There's a DJ who's seriously misjudged his listening audience." Don't mention that to Stev … no, let's not go there.
52 min: Borini brings down Pasquale, who I hope (entirely forlornly) is nicknamed Joe by his team-mates.
54 min: "Suarez has a bit of the Dwayne Dibleys about him," suggests Ben Dunn.
56 min: Di Natale runs straight into Coates on the edge of the area and hits the deck like an old roll of carpet being thrown out of a van. He looks optimistically at the referee, who quite rightly waves play on.
57 min: "We should be blaming the visitors to Liverpool's web site for Oasis as each week we get to vote on pre match and half time play lists submitted by fans!" writes Kate Hall. You learn something everyday. Surely we should be hearing nothing but the Beatles, Echo And The Bunnymen and the Lightning Seeds at Anfield then? With perhaps the occasional blast of Cast.
59 min: This is a lull. But it won't hurt you.
60 min: Downing and Borini play a one-two to get the winger surging towards the six-yard box. A vital touch from Danilo ends a promising attack.
61 min: Johnson does very well down the left, beats Pasquale and picks out Henderson on the edge of the box. He attempts to place the ball firmly home but his shot is blocked.
63 min: "This was a big game for Borini in his effort to show his value in his favoured position," writes Ian Copestake. "Has it not worked for the small lad?" Not especially, but he hasn't been bad - just a fairly nondescript seven out of 10. Shelvey has pressed his claim for a place in the first XI, but with Sahin, Gerrard and Allen looking so good in midfield it's hard to see that trio being broken up. Until Lucas comes back to fitness, at which point team selection will be very interesting.
64 min: Gerrard and Suarez replace Assaidi and Henderson, neither of whom have particularly stood out this evening.
66 min: "Would it be too impolite to compare Hicks and Gillet to the Psirens from one of the best episodes of Red Dwarf?" wonders David Wall. "It didn't take much more than half an hour for their alluring facade to dissolve in a similar way, and they were potentially as deadly." Potentially as deadly? That's pushing it. I can't remember them ever wanting to slurp out anyone's brains with a metal straw.
67 min: Suarez gets hacked to the ground and, from the resulting free-kick, wrestled to the ground in the area.
68 min: Pinzi hilariously drags Downing to the turf as the winger escapes down the right, a challenge so professional it has it's own business cards. He's deservedly booked.
69 min: How did that stay out? Suarez shoots at goal. It might be going in, but Shelvey in attempting to finish it off somehow manages to clear it off the line. Crikey!
GOAL! Liverpool 1-2 Udinese (Coates 71og) This is borderline bizarre. Udinese swings in a free-kick, Coates buries a bullet header past Reina. Rodgers' Liverpool, for all their improvement, have a very worrying tendency to not just shoot themselves in the foot but to hack their entire lower leg off with an axe.
GOAL! Liverpool 1-3 Udinese (Pasquale 72) Brilliant from Di Natale. Just mindbogglingly good stuff. He collects the ball inside the area and juggles three, four, five, six times, before laying it off to Pasquale who is charging in like a bullet in the back end of a bat out of hell. He catches it sweetly leaving Reina with no chance.
GOAL! Liverpool 2-3 Udinese (Suarez 75) Gordon Bennett! From a free-kick Suarez swirls his shot over the wall and past Brkic. What an astonishing five minutes at Anfield.
76 min: And breathe.
77 min: What a chance for Suarez to equalise! But his back post header thunks into the midriff of Brkic, and no one can get to the rebound. This is madcap stuff now.
78 min: "A certain Mr Sawyer needs to take a long hard look at himself," writes Ian Copestake. "Erm, I'd just like to apologise to my fellow Liverpool supporters for my part in the Coates own goal," writes Phil Sawyer.
80 min: Sterling replaces Borini as Liverpool press for an equaliser.
82 min: Gerrard hooks a shot at goal, but can only find the wide expanses of Danilo's back.
84 min: Suarez beats Domizzi then fires a shot low at goal. Brkic gets down well at the near post to make a decent stop. Corner …
85 min: … half-cleared but worked back in to Sterling, whose first-time effort is deflected over. Liverpool pushing hard now.
87 min: Gifs – they're the coming thing aren't they? Here's one of Suarez's goal.
88 min: Udinese tear away on the break, with Ranégie and Pereyra to the fore. The former goes down very optimistically in the box. And Liverpool get back on the attack again …
90 min: Suarez and Sterling combine on the edge of the box, before the youngster flicks a brilliant effort just over the bar. Four minutes added time for Liverpool to rescue this.
90+1 min: Robinson tumbles in the area this time. Suarez rages at the referee, but it didn't look a foul on first viewing.
90+3 min: Downing has the chance to be the hero of the evening, but he slaps a decent chance straight at Brkic from the edge of the box.
PEEP! PEEP!! PEEEEEEEEP!!! All over at Anfield.
Well, well, well. A strange old game that, one that says much about the progress and problems of Rodgers' Liverpool.
Right, that it from me. Thanks for your company. Stick around on site for all the reports and reaction from today's games. But from me, cheerio!