Full-time: Juventus 1-0 Milan
That's your lot! Bye!
90 min+2: Asamoah off, Peluso on. Expert time-wasting from Juventus.
90 min: Two minutes of stoppage time will be played.
89 min: Montolivo tries to hammer one goalwards. It ricochets through to Mexes, whose shot is deflected wide, but the flag was already up for offside against Pazzini. That's the cue for Fabio Quagliarella to replace Mirko Vucinic.
88 min: Milan have a free-kick around 35 yards out after a foul by Bonucci on Pazzini.
86 min: Montilvo's howitzer from 25 yards moves a bit in the air but Buffon still has time to read its flight.
85 min: I'm going to put my neck on the line and say Milan aren't going to score.
81 min: Constant does well to evade two challenges and then sends his cross behind. Simone Padoin replaces Lichsteiner.
79 min: It seems that football is better when there's biting.
76 min: Milan's crossing has deteriorated. "Very pleased to see Mr Shane's email," says Robin Hazlehurst. "Must say I was a bit disappointed in the first half, far too much football and not enough random chat. But now that the great Mr Shane has given us a decent riff we can have a proper MBM."
75 min: Muntari shoots from 20 yards out. Again it's straight at Buffon, as most of Milan's efforts have been unfortunately.
74 min: Boateng, who hasn't done enough tonight, skips past Chiellini on the right but he can't find Pazzini inside the six-yard box.
72 min: "So is Pogba any good?" says Chris Greenwood. "As a Man U fan I felt he had promise but always wanted to see a bit more of him." He's not done a lot tonight but has apparently had a fantastic first season for Juventus and also did well on his debut for France, although he did get a late red card.
71 min: Bojan is on for Robinho, while Mexes is booked for clattering Vucinic. He doesn't complain.
70 min: Pirlo's corner is hung up all the way to the far post where Bonucci doesn't quite catch his volley right as it drops, hitting it straight at Amelia.
69 min: Pirlo swings in another cross and after a scramble in the Milan area it's hacked behind for another corner. Juve are piling on the pressure now.
68 min: Milan are being torn apart on the counter. Pirlo sprays a beautiful pass out to the left for Pogba. He drifts inside and finds Vucinic in the area but he takes a fraction too long to get his shot away and Mexes deflects it behind for an inconsequential corner.
66 min: Zapata is booked for bumping Vucinic over on the left after being beaten in a battle of wits.
65 min: Milan haven't done much since going behind.
63 min: Another corner from Pirlo, another header over the bar, this time from Pogba.
61 min: "You should look on the bright side," says JR in Illinois. "At least you haven't been called a biased retard yet in this MBM. And anyway, that's why you get paid the big bucks, right? Also, very tricky the way Mr. McDermott expressed his desire for sobriety yet still managed to stick to today's theme and get in a clever Suarez related "biting" crack. Impressive." Hoist by his own petard! I said petard.
59 min: "Can't people concentrate on the nice things in life, like free decent journalism, the Glorious Glasgow Rangers, Natalie Portman, puppies, and mascots dressed as Iron Man?" says Ryan Dunne. "Hell, all my hundreds of published MBM emails have yet to secure me a girlfriend/groupies, and you don't see me complaining!"
58 min: It really was bad defending from Abate. There wasn't enough pace on the ball for it to run back to Amelia.
GOAL! Juventus 1-0 Milan (Vidal, 57 min)
Arturo Vidal steps up and what a penalty this is. He sidefoots it high into the top-left corner, giving Amelia no chance even though he went the right way.
PENALTY TO JUVENTUS!
56 min: Abate lets a long ball for Pirlo bounce, allowing Asamoah to break in behind him. He gets there before Amelia, who sends him sprawling! The goalkeeper is booked as Asamoah was going away from goal.
56 min: "Of more pressing importance is considering how Craig Gardner and Constant can be convinced to play together so film references suggested by their surnames can be more easily brought into play," says Ian Copestake.
55 min: "I thought the point of the MBM was that the Guardian journos stayed sober while everybody else got slowly pished," says Simon McMahon. "Thanks to the Guardian, already today I've drunk three different types of lager, Prosecco, limoncello liqueur, and pale ale. Cheers." We can't come to work drunk, we're not pilots.
54 min: Vidal curves a brilliant pass round the Milan defence and through to Vucinic, but he can't get the ball out of his feet and Zapata ushers it back to Amelia.
53 min: Obviously, you all want to know what's going on in the game, so here it is:
51 min: "Wait I'm not the only one reading these things?" says Oliver Lewis. I'm as surprised as you. But I suppose we have to cater for everyone and with that in mind, anyone who doesn't like it can always go here.
50 min: Apparently Luis Suarez has apologised for biting Branislav Ivanovic. And in Turin, Boateng is apologising after shooting miles over from 25 yards out.
49 min: Sorry, just realised he only replies to Mister Shane now. Power's gone to his head.
48 min: Marchisio has a go from 25 yards out but Amelia is down to his right to save. "If you do indeed decide to "just follow the match" could you also perhaps let us know how it is going, or is that not allowed now?" asks Ian Copestake.
Shane? SHANE?!?! SHANE?!?!?!?!?!?
47 min: Vucinic runs down the right. He's tackled by Constant, who concedes a corner. Chiellini heads Pirlo's corner over the bar.
46 min: Milan start the second half with a "kick-off". They'll be hoping to score a football goal so they win the football match but Juventus will do everything in their power to stop them!
Milan are making a substitution. Sulley Muntari replaces Massimo Ambrosini.
Oh oh. Shane McDermott has just been appointed as The Guardian's new sport editor so I'll have to write this MBM in the way he wants from now on.
"Why do all Guardian match commentators feel the need to emulate stand up comics?Just follow the match," says SHANE MCDERMOTT. "It's about the game, not you. A certain level of sobriety woudn't hurt. Do you think people read this stuff and admire your biting wit? Just follow the match. It's about the game, not you. No need to reply......"
The pomposity of some of our readers is quite something. As if we actually want your editorial direction. A tip for you, Shane - stop acting like you speak for everyone and maybe lighten up a bit.
I don't quite know how this just happened but I just ended up watching the full video of B*witched's hit song "C'est La Vie". Easy to forget how bad they were.
Half-time: Juventus 0-0 Milan
Onwards and upwards. Hit it!
45 min: There will be two more minutes.
42 min: Pazzini makes a mug out of Bonucci, who tried to run the ball out of play for a goal-kick. The Milan striker nips round him and breaks into the area but eventually runs out of space after being ushered into a cul-de-sac by Chiellini.
39 min: Now Ambrosini is off getting his right ankle strapped. Sulley Muntari might come on for Milan.
38 min: It could still be better.
36 min: This could be better.
32 min: "A fight?" says William Heffernan. "I'm afraid im a slapper - in the fighting sense of the word. How about a game of chess?"
31 min: Pirlo whips in a free-kick from the right and Vucinic heads over. He might have done better there.
29 min: "Amid all the predictable and obvious condemnation (not that it isn't correct), is nobody else a bit concerned for Suarez's mental health?" says Tom Atkins. "I mean, thugs and cowards will use elbows, fists or over the top challenges, but biting someone is not the behaviour of someone whose brain is wired properly. I think he needs to see a professional."
Yeah, it's more than a bit odd. What do parents do with children who bite? Here's some advice from SuperNanny.
28 min: Another Pirlo free-kick is deflected by the wall but it goes straight into Amelia's arms.
27 min: Milan are the superior side at the moment. They're attacking with pace and intent, and Juve are struggling to get any sort of rhythm going. On the right, Abate runs at Asamoah and drills a low cross into the near post. Robinho darts across his marker to meet it but can only flick it sharply into the side-netting. It was quite a difficult chance.
24 min: "As a Milan fan please dont call Boateng impressive," says William Heffernan. "He is not. He often goes missing, doesnt track back and generally doesnt get his head up.That goes double for Robinho. he is terrible. absolutely grade a terrible. Nice haircut though. I'm relying on Monty, Pazzo and El Shar to give Milan any hope in this game. And on Vidal, Pirlo marchisio to get injured at the same time. Here has anyone used the nickname Handball Lecter yet for Suarez? well even if they have I just came up with there so im claiming it."
I DISAGREE I THINK BOATENG IS GREAT IF INCONSISTENT WANNA FIGHT ABOUT IT?
23 min: Now El Shaawary decides to have a pop from distance. He'll have to do better than this tame effort if he wants to beat Buffon though.
22 min: A mistake by Pirlo - yep - in his own half, as he wantonly flicks the ball straight to Ambrosini, who drills one wide from 20 yards out.
21 min: Asamoah's volley has just flown through the window in Kings Cross.
20 min: Lichsteiner wins a corner off Constant on the right. It's cleared as far as Asamoah who sends a volley into orbit.
19 min: "This match is boring," says JR in Illinois. "You know why? Not enough biting. Who do you think are the most likely biters and bitees in this game? Betting is not legal here in the U.S. but if I was able I'd put my money on Lichsteiner to get bitten. You know, because of all his grabbing and holding and whatnot. Since Balotelli is suspended figuring out the biter is much more difficult. I think I'd go with Mexes. He just looks like he's got it in him." I reckon Chiellini has it in him.
17 min: Oof! Lichsteiner cuts on to his left foot and sends in a cross. It's not a particularly good one but Pogba almost makes something of it with an acrobatic bicycle kick which flies a few yards wide.
15 min: Abbiati injured himself making that save from the Pirlo free-kick and he's replaced by Marco Amelia.
13 min: "Not sure what to make of Juventus this year, the are running at a canter in the league but never really looked comfortable in Europe," says Seamus Scullion. "Is this a sign of the times for Serie A, a question over Juventus' ability to get back into a game once they have conceded or a problem of experience?"
Didn't they? They had some good results in some difficult games until they were defenestrated by Bayern. Clearly they're not quite there yet though. They know they need better strikers, for a start.
12 min: Ambrosini sends a skidder wide from 30 yards out. Not sure what he expected to happen.
11 min: Pogba is black, French and a midfielder, which has led many pundits to erroneously compare him to Christian Basilla.
10 min: Now Abbiati is having his knee strapped. It's been an eventful few minutes for him, although he's able to stand and watch as a shot from Pogba whizzes well over from distance.
9 min: That is just an outstanding save. Abbiati did so well to spring to his left after the free-kick hit Ambrosini.
7 min: What a save from Abbiati! This is an incredible piece of goalkeeping. Juventus had won a free-kick after a handball from Robinho 25 yards out. Of course Pirlo stepped up to take it and his right-footed effort looked harmless enough until it took an almighty deflection off the wall and spun towards the left corner. Somehow Abbiati, who had already gone to his right, managed to change direction and push the ball wide.
6 min: The wonderful Boateng strides through the middle, before finding El Sharaawy on the left. He cuts inside and fires a shot straight at Buffon, who holds.
5 min: Emails please!
4 min: Milan have seen a lot of the ball, although it's been quite a slow start, most of their possession coming in their own half. Juventus are sitting back and letting them stroke the ball around at the back.
2 min: Milan are on the front foot in these early stages, ignoring the whistles that greet their every touch. Robinho decides to have a go from 25 yards out. No dice.
Peep! Off we go, Juventus kicking off and attacking from right to left. They're in their black and white stripes, Milan are in their red and black.
The two mascots are dressed as Iron Man. And why not?
Here come the teams. No one appears to have bitten anyone yet.
Your teams. Enjoy.
Juventus: Buffon; Barzagli, Bonucci, Chiellini; Lichtsteiner, Vidal, Pirlo, Pogba, Asamoah; Marchisio; Vucinic.
Milan: Abbiati; Abate, Zapata, Mexes, Constant; Montolivo, Ambrosini, Boateng; Robinho, Pazzini, El Shaarawy.
Evening. Right, after yet more abject nonsense from the disgraceful Luis Suarez this afternoon, here's hoping that Juventus and Milan can restore our faith in football. This is, it goes without saying, one of the most glamorous fixtures in Europe and there's plenty riding on it for both sides. For Juventus, the chance to move closer to retaining their title by moving 11 points clear of Napoli; for Milan, currently a point above Fiorentina, the chance to solidify their place in the top three.
Juve will obviously be the favourites, especially as Milan are without the suspended Mario Balotelli, and come into this match having won their last five. They're an impressive side, although Bayern Munich showed them how far behind the elite they are, and Milan will have to play very well to get anything from this. But after a dodgy start to the season, Max Allegri is putting together a promising young side and they'll be confident enough even without Balotelli.