Peep! Peep! Peep! It's all over and Chelsea have been well and truly thrashed. The 3-0 scoreline barely does the superiority of Juve justice. They took Chelsea to school in that second half and with Shakhtar Donetsk having seen off Nordsjaellend 5-2 in Denmark, Chelsea's fate is no longer in their own hands. Shakhtar are already through and a draw in Donetsk will be enough to send Juventus through to the knockout stages with them.
90+1 min: Giovinco gets booked for removing his shirt during his goal celebration.
GOAL! Juventus 3-0 Chelsea (Giovinco 90) Comedy goalkeeping from Petr Cech, who charges off his line and out of his penalty area in a bid to hack clear a through-ball from deep. What happens next? The substitute Giovinco beats him to the ball, prods it past him and wheels away in celebration as it rolls into the empty net.
88 min: Juventus substitution: Paul Pogba on, Fabio Quagliarella on. If Pogba's name rings a bell, it's because he's the player Sir Alex Ferguson poached from Le Havre, who then went to Juventus because he couldn't get a game ahead of Paul Scholes, prompting Sir Alex Ferguson to whinge about Juventus poaching him from Manchester United.
87 min: Chelsea win a free-kick wide on the left. Mata sends an up and under into the box, which Asamoah hacks clear.
85 min: Claudio Marchisio takes one for the team, picking up a yellow card for sticking out a foot and tripping Ramires when the Brazilian looked to be on the verge of advancing through midfield while Juve were short in numbers at the back.
84 min: Moses and Torres combine on the outside of the Juventus penalty area to tee up Oscar. He jinks right and left before running down a blind alley and squandering possession.
83 min: Fernando Torres wins a corner, which is played short to Oscar. His cross to the far post is lamentable, enabling Buffon to gather the ball and send his team away on the counter-attack. Nothing comes of it and it's time for Juventus to make a substitution: Mirko Vucinic off, Sebastian Giovinco on.
78 min: Pirlo has a pop and wins a corner when his effort is deflected wide. He sends his outswinger deep and when the ball's pinged back towards the mixer, BVonucci trips over his own feet and clatters into Gary Cahill, giving Chelsea a free-kick and the opportunity to clear their lines.
77 min: David Luiz tries a shot from distance. Do you really need me to tell you how that went?
76 min: "I suppose I shouldn't be surprised, but I don't think ITV's men are giving Juventus enough credit for how much of a hiding this is," writes Chris Burke. "If Chelsea were up against any other front two besides Quagliarella and Vucinic, who both combine that classic striker's selfishness without any of a classic striker's ability, the scoreline would probably be worse."
75 min: Yellow card for Ramires, whose name goes in the book for a foul on Chiellini.
74 min: Caceres squares the ball across the face of goal and from seven yards out and with the goal gaping, Mirko Vucinic somehow manages to spoon the ball high over the crossbar. That's a dreadful miss and a real let-off for Chelsea.
72 min: Juventus are playing with all the stress of somebody reclining on an armchair with their feet up, casually tossing playing cards into an upturned top hat. They're two goals up and lording it over Chelsea, whose players are largely chasing shadows.
70 min: Chelsea substitution: Fernando Torres on, John Obi Mikel off. This could probve to be an inspired substitution or it could be the managerial equivalent of Roberto Di Matteo climbing into his own coffin, pulling the lid after him and asking somebody to hammer it shut.
68 min: Chelsea try to launch an attack down the left flank, with Cole and Moses linking up before switching the play to Ivanovic on the right. To which of Chelsea's diminutive, teeny-weeny front men will he cross the ball?
67 min: Juventus substitution: Right-winger Stephan Lichsteiner off after a good showing, the more defensively minded Martin Caceres on.
67 min: Ivanovic wins a corner for Chelsea after some less than glamourous grunt-work down the right flank. Mata takes it and pings the ball straight into the hands of Gigi Buffon, who is a vision in pink.
GOAL! Juventus 2-0 Chelsea (Vidal 61) No sooner does Cesar Azpilicueta go off, than the man he was marking tees up Juve's second goal. Asamoah canters in from the left flank and pulls a diagonal pass behind him to Arturo Vidal. The Chilean midfielder's shot from distance takes a deflection on its way past Petr Cech and Juventus go 2-0 up. That's Arturo's fifth goal in six games, I believe.
60 min: Chelsea substitution: Victor Moses on, Cesar Azpilicueta off.
58 min: A beautifully timed run from Quagliarella, who sprints down the inside-right channel and latches on to a through-ball. Petr Cech scampers along the byline and narrows the angle, refusing to commit himself so the striker is unable to take the ball around him and try a shot from a narrow angle.
57 min: Selfish play from Quagliarella, who turns a defender and tries a shot from a narrow angle, when he should have squared the ball across the face of goal for the unmarked Lichsteiner to tap home.
55 min: Elsewhere in Group E, it's now Nordsjaellend 2-4 Shakhtar Donetsk. Shakhtar winning and Chelsea losing is the worst-case scenario for the European Champions this evening.
51 min: Juan Mata takes the free-kick, but shoots straight into the Juventus wall and the Italian champions clear with an agricultural welly down the field. It would have been a grave injustice if Chelsea had scored from that free-kick, when Juventus were unjustly denied a penalty just seconds previously.
50 min: Chelsea break down the other end of the pitch, where Juan Mata wins a free-kick just to the right of the D on the edge of the Juventus penalty area, after a foul from Chiellini.
49 min: Mirko Vucinic appeals for a penalty after being blatantly yanked off the ball by Gary Cahill as he tried to skip around the defender and unleash a shot on goal. In the ITV commentary box, Andy Townsend insists it wasn't a penalty, because Cahill didn't foul him enough. Because that's how it works, see. Good grief.
47 min: That's a comically poor cross from the right from Mirko Vucinici. In a great position to stand the ball up for Claudio Marchisio, he tried to beat Petr Cech with a shot from a preposterous angle and succeeded only in blasting the ball out over the far touchline.
Second half: Juventus get the second half started and Ashley cole is immediately pressed into service to head clear another piercing Kwaddwo Asamoah cross from the left.
Not that you'd know it from reading this drivel, Juventus have had 10 shots, eight of which have been on target. Chelsea, by comparison, have had seven shots, just two of which have been on target. Juve's pass success has been 84%, compared to Chelsea's 81%. Juventus have also picked up the only booking of the night, with Leonardo Bonucci being shown a yellow card just before half-time.
Half-time:After a decent first half display in which they created at least two clear scoring chances, Chelsea go in a goal down at the break. They can consider themselves rather unlucky, as replays show that Petr Cech was completely wrong-footed when Quagliarella diverted that long-range Pirlo effort past him. It was rather harsh of me to suggest it was the Chelsea goalkeeper's fault before I'd seen a replay.
44 min: Chelsea go forward again, with Eden Hazard crossing from the left in a bid to try to pick out his pint-sized team-mates Juan Mata or Oscar. Giorgio Chiellini clears. Elsewhere in Group E, it's now Nordsjælland 2-2 Shakhtar Donetsk.
41 min: Juventus almost go two up, but Ashley Cole clears what appears to be a goal-bound effort off the line. Chelsea break on the counter-attack and Buffon has to be quick off his line to deny Jaun Mata in a one-on-one.
GOAL! Juventus 1-0 Chelsea (Quagliarella 38) Andrea Pirlo has a shot from distance, Qualiarella sticks out a boot to help it along its way and Petr Cech gets a hand to the ball. His wrist is limp and he can only divert the ball into the bottom right-hand corner.
35 min: Another searing burst of pace from Oscar, who zooms into the Juventus penalty area after sprinting down the inside left channel. He's forced to check his run before shooting when Barzagli gets in his way and the Italian defender ends up blocking his shot more by accident than design when the Brazilian eventually pulls the trigger.
30 min: Ramires shanks the ball wide from the edge of the area after being set up nicely by Oscar.
29 min: For Juve, Stephan Lichsteiner sends a delightful cross in from the right corner and Branislav Ivanovic completely misjudges the header at the far post. Perhaps caught unawares because he wasn't expecting to get a free header, Kwadwo Asamoah makes a complete dog's breakfast of what should have been a very straightforward attempt on goal.
28 min: "I realise that strength and aerial prowess aren't what his game is about, but Hazard isn't even challenging for headers, rendering Cech's long punts upfield completely ineffective," writes Matt Dony. "Torres would at least be jumping for it." I'd jump for it too, Matt, but it doesn't mean I should be playing either.
26 min: Free-kick for Chelsea, out by the right touchline, halfway inside the Juventus half. David Luiz and Gary Cahill lumber up from the back to take their places in the penalty area, but Gianluigi Buffon dashes off his line and leaps into to the air to gather Juan Mata's looping delivery without any problems.
26 min: Elsewhere in this group, Shakhtar Donetsk have fallen behind to Nordsjaelland in Denmark. There's a turn-up for the books, eh?
25 min: Pirlo shoots low and hard along the ground, underneath the leaping members of the defensive wall. Petr Cech gets down to block his decidedly feeble shot.
23 min: Arturo Vidal goes down under a challenge from Ivanovic and the referee awards Juventus a free-kick right on the edge of the Chelsea penalty area, a couple of yards to the left of the D. Over to you, Mr Pirlo ...
20 min: With nearly a quarter of the match gone, Juventus are very much in control. Andrea Pirlo, as expected is running proceedings from midfield and being given plenty of time to pick out runners from midfield. Many of his passes are being sprayed towards Asamoah on the left wing, but he's yet to provide much in the way of service for Quagliarella or Vucinic. Having said that, Chelsea aren't being completely dominated - they're giving Juventus plenty to think about and have had one great chance of their own.
18 min: Personally, I think the most direct and honest response to the question: 'Why have you decided to drop Fernando Torres?' that Roberto Di Matteo could have given would have been something along the lines of "Have you seen him play recently?" or "Because he's not very good at the moment."
17 min: "In fairness, 'point of reference' does (to me at least) suggest something staid and predictable, a logical opposite to the 'unplayable' player, which would surely be an apt characterisation of Torres," writes Ryan Dunne. "Given that the cliche is that Torres doesn't score but (supposedly) has splendid, defence-shreading off-the-ball movement, it sounds like Di Matteo is being pretty direct and honest."
15 min: Another corner for Juventus, which Pirlo swings in towards the near post from the left. With his back to goal, Vucinic plays the ball back to Marchisio, who forces Petr Cech into a theatrical save with a low drive from about 18 yards. Another corner for Juventus, but Quagliarella is penalised for a foul on Cesar Azpilicueta as the ball comes in from the quadrant.
14 min: Juventus win a corner from which nothing comes.
12 min: Oooh ... Chelsea should have gone one up there. On the breakaway, Oscar went on a slaloming gallop up the field, took on and beat Andrea Barzagli and then played the ball into the path of Eden Hazard, who was up in support. The Belgian was unable to slot the ball past Gianluigi Buffon when he probably should have done better and the Italian goalkeeper turns the ball out for a corner. It was close ... so close that ITV commentator Clive Tyldesley mistakenly awarded Chelsea a goal.
8 min: Bonucci steals the ball from Mata in midfield and advances up the field. The ball is worked to the left touchline, where Asamoah tries to get around Cesar Azpilicueta. He does exactly that, but his cross is poor and Chelsea break on the counter.
6 min: Juventus win a corner. Pirlo sends it into the penalty area with a swish of his foot and Vucinic sends a flick-on over the bar.
4 min: Superb save from Petr Cech, who flings himself to his right to block a Lichsteiner shot from close range, turn it on to the right upright. Juventus should have taken the lead there, but Chelsea's marking is abysmal.
2 min: Ashley Cole only half-clears a Kwadwo Asamoah cross from the left, allowing Claudio Marchisio to head towards goal. His effort is very weak and causes Petr Cech no problem.
1 min: To a cacophony of jeers,Chelsea kick off, playing from right to left in the Juventus Stadium.
The teams make their way down the tunnel and out on to the pitch, with both sets of players wearing the home colours with which they're most readily associated, which is a rare treat in an era when the marketing men have no problem sending the England rugby team out to face the Wallabies at Twickenham wearing skintight mauve, or forcing Tottenham to turn up for a north London derby wearing body-hugging grey and black.
Robbie Di Matteo has just told ITV that Fernando Torres is not playing because he doesn't want to give Juve's defenders a point of reference. I wonder if that's what he told the player himself? I've never heard such cobblers.
In a 3-5-2, with Andrea Barzaghli, Leonardo Bonucci and Giorgio Chiellini making up the back three, Stephan Lichsteiner and Kwadwo Asamoah book-ending a central trio of Arturo Vidal, Andrea Pirlo and Claudio Marchisio, and Mirko Vucinic and Fabio Quagliarella up front.
I'm not afraid to make the big calls, so here goes ... Eden Hazard will play alone up front, with Juan Mata behind him and Oscar and Azpilicueta to the Spaniard's right and left. John Obi Mikel and Ramires will play in the centre of midfield, with Ivanovic at right-back, Gary Cahill and David Luiz at centre-back and Ashley Cole at left-back. Petr Cech will probably be in goals. If you disagree with me, please keep your thoughts to yourself - I genuinely don't want to hear them and can't think of a more boring topic for debate.
Take a wander over to Zonal Marking's Twitter feed right now as he fields questions from a load of disciples about False Nines, holders, inverted sevens and inside-out two-and-a-halves,. I'm a big fan of that Michael Cox, not least because we share an impeccable taste for purple woolen pullovers, but he has a hell of a lot to answer for.
Is this a brave call from Roberto Di Matteo, a complete no-brainer or a mixture of both? Considering how poor the Spaniard's form has been in a season where every dog and devil agrees he's been more of a hindrance than a help to his team-mates, it would surely have been more strange to see him selected than left out. His performance against West Brom on Saturday was woeful and his Chelsea jig must surely be nearly up.
What's far more intriguing is the kind of formation Chelsea are going to line up in tonight - a number of football writers are currently trying to figure it out on Twitter, but very few of them seem to agree.
Juventus (3-5-2): Buffon, Barzagli, Bonucci, Chiellini, Lichtsteiner,
Vidal, Pirlo, Marchisio, Asamoah, Quagliarella, Vucinic.
Subs: Storari, Caceres, Pogba, Pepe, Giovinco, Giaccherini, Matri.
Chelsea (3-2-2-2-1) or (5-2-2-1) or (5-5-0) or (3-4-2-1)*: Cech, Azpilicueta, Luiz, Cahill, Ivanovic, Cole, Ramires, Mikel, Hazard, Mata, Oscar.
Subs: Turnbull, Romeu, Torres, Moses, Marin, Bertrand, Piazon.
Referee: Cuneyt Cakir (Turkey)
* This nonsense really needs to stop.
Don't forget, Juve's manager is still serving a four-month suspension from match-day activity for his part in the Scommessopoli scandal and will be absent from the Juve dug-out until 8 December. The 43-year-old was banned after being found guilty of failing to report attempts to influence the outcome of a Serie B matches in the 2010-11 season, when he was in charge of Siena. It is a ban the Juventus manager went totally berserk over in quite spectacular fashion, albeit to no avail - his place in the dug-out tonight will be taken by his No2, Angelo Alessio. You don't have to understand Italian to get the jist of Conte's rant in the video clip below, although it probably helps.
Greetings everybody and welcome to this evening's coverage of what should be a fascinating - or potentially snooze-inducing - Group E contest between Juventus and Chelsea. Just one point separates the top three in this group, with Shakhtar Donetsk and Roberto Di Matteo's side first and second on seven points each (the Ukrainian side have the edge on head-to-heads) and Juventus in third place on six points. With whipping boys FC Nordsjaelland already out of contention, this group could throw up all sorts of complicated permutations and combinations over the next two rounds of matches, but as things stand a win would leave Chelsea in the box-seat to qualify (or through to the last 16 with a match to spare if Shakhtar win in Denmark), a draw would suit them just fine and defeat would leave them in all sorts of bother and in danger of becoming the first defending champions in tournament history to exit at the group stage.
In their previous Group E encounter at Stamford Bridge in September, Chelsea carelessly threw away a two-goal lead, with silly mistakes allowing Juve to return to Turin with a point they scarcely could have hoped for after finding themselves a brace behind away from home. With Chelsea's Premier League form anything but inspiring, their defence ludicrously porous and their clownish owner rumoured to be suffering from an itchy trigger-finger again, it would take a brave man to bet confidently on them escaping from the Juventus Stadium with all three points tonight, but their hosts have suffered a bit of a wobble of their own in recent weeks. A scoreless draw at home to Lazio was the best they could muster last weekend, having had their their bid to notch up a half-century of Serie A matches unbeaten ended on the 49-mark by Inter earlier this month. For all that, they still managed to hammer FC Nordsjaelland (4-0) and Pescara (6-1) in the interim, so their decline is hardly the stuff of nightmares.
Roberto Di Matteo and Gary Cahill fronted up for Chelsea's press conference in Turin yesterday – you can read what they had to say in this report from Dominic Fifield. Once you're all clued up on the party line coming out of Stamford Bridge, why not immerse yourself in this Richard Williams comment piece about the likely influence of Juve's bearded orchestra conductor on tonight's match. For anyone who's forgotten what he's capable of, here's a reminder. I remember wondering at the time if, in the build-up to this penalty, Joe Hart's risible, nervously half-hearted and self-conscious attempt to put the Italian off as he waited to take his spot-kick (sadly isn't in the clip), played any part in Pirlo's decision to make the England goalkeeper look a fool. Anyway, I'll be back with the team news and build-up from 7pm.