So we bring you the 2010 Champions League final, part two except without the Champions League trophy for the winner. And José Mourinho. And loads of fireworks at the end. And, I'm sorry to say, Sulley Muntari. When Sunderland calls, you've just got to go.
A few months ago both these sides were struggling horribly in their domestic leagues, but Inter have cur Milan's lead at the top of Serie A from 13 points to eight and Bayern have scored 22 goals in their last seven games. Eat that Peterborough.
Anyway, your teams are out:
Inter: 1-Julio Cesar; 13-Maicon, 15-Andrea Ranocchia, 6-Lucio, 26-Cristian Chivu; 4-Javier Zanetti, 19-Esteban Cambiasso, 8-Thiago Motta; 10-Wesley Sneijder, 5-Dejan Stankovic; 9-Samuel Eto'o
Bayern Munich: 35-Thomas Kraft; 21-Philipp Lahm, 44-Anatoliy Tymoshchuk, 28-Holger Badstuber, 23-Danijel Pranjic; 31-Bastian Schweinsteiger, 30-Luiz Gustavo; 10-Arjen Robben, 25-Thomas Mueller, 7-Franck Ribery; 33-Mario Gomez.
Referee: Viktor Kassai (Hungary)
Anyone out there actually think that Inter can retain the trophy? The bookies obviously don't: they've got them at 25-1, just behind Spurs, Arsenal and the cast of the Golden Girls (and I believe the tall one, who had a good touch for a tall, old lady is no longer with us).
1 min: And we're off. Bayern kick off. "Don't knock the Golden Girls," says John Shameson. I wasn't – they're one of the favourites for the Champions League. "The grandmother, or great grandmother. The oldest one anyway. Had the kind of terrier like qualities that would make Gattuso quiver." Sorry to tell you this, John, but I think she's dead too.
2 min: Badstuber brings down Eto'o who sprawls on the floor having a wee cry. The free-kick is swept intot he box and Ranocchia, on his Champions League debut, volleys wide. He is a centre-half in his defence. Then again a centre-half is always in his defence etc and so on.
5 min: Little Pippy Lahm rakes a long ball down the right-hand flank for Robben to chase. Robben is quick but not that quick and it goes out for a goal kick.
7 min: Lahm plays a more successful (three-yard) ball to Robben who then finds Ribery in the box. Ribery is so skilful, he beats himself and Inter clear.
9 min: Both sides are happy to play low-risk football in the early stages and feel their way into the game.
12 min: Sneijder's studs, meet Lahm's shoulder. Lahm's shoulder, meet Sneijder's studs. Pippy gets up after a bit of grumbling and Sneijder escapes a booking.
15 min: A corner for Inter. It's definitely in the top 2% of Worst Corners Ever and Bayern are soon on the counter-attack but their final ball can't unlock the Inter defence.
21 min: Gustavo finds himself on his own around 35 yards out and gives the ball aan almighty thump. It's a fine effort and flies just wide of the post. At the other end, Eto'o's shout for a penalty is turned down. Unjustly. Just as well we have extra officials to pick these things up. Zanetti is booked for a foul and dissent.
18 min: I'm pretty sure neither keeper has touched it yet. Actually Kraft just tips a a cross away for a corner. Here's Ted Akers: "I'm fairly sure Blanche, the flirtatious southern belle from the Golden Girls is alive, she could distract the refs while the others scor... Oh. No. She's dead too. Sorry."
23 min: Cambiasso has only Kraft to beat from five yards out but the keeper closes him down superbly and blocks the shot. Great keeping.
25 min: Hey, this is turning into a good game. Robben curls a beautiful ball into the box, Ribery and Gomez, are tucked in amongst a pocket of Inter defenders. It's Ribery who gets his head to the ball and his shot smacks against the bar with Julio Cesar rooted to the spot.
28 min: Bayern exchange a dozen or so posses as they work their way to goal. Robben and Lahm combine well on the right again before Lahm slides a simple pass to Gomez. Gomez may want to forget what happens next. Suffice to say it doesn't go in.
30 min: Unsurprisingly, given their ridiculous scoring run of late – more than three a game – Bayern have been far more attacking.
33 min: Free-kick to Inter on the right-hand side of the area. Gomez heads clear for a corner that eventually comes to Eto'o around eight yards out. Kraft, who has been excellent so far, plunges low to his left and palms the ball away. Terrific reactions: he had almost no time to see that.
36 min: "Seemed to me like Eto'o basically lost his footing in the 'penalty' incident," says Francis Lee. "The contact with the Bayern defender didn't look decisive." Look, I can spell accurately, or I can call the game accurately. I can't do both. Or either.
38 min: A rare expedition down the left for Bayern, most of their attacks have been down the right. Ribery's cross is blocked though. Breno is on for Pranjic, who picked up an injury. Badstuber goes to left-back.
40 min: Ribery wins a corner after his shot is semi-blocked. Tymoshchuk's shot eventually finds Motta's face. Ouch.
43 min: Bayern have been camped in Inter's half for the last five minutes or so but their final ball has been woeful. That said, Inter's attempts to stop them playing the ball in the first place has been similarly woeful.
45 min: Sneijder has plenty of space to run at Bayern and unleashes from 30 yards as the opening bars of A Rush Of Blood To The Head ring out. Maicon then has a flash at goal himself. And that's half-time.
Half-time: A nice, open first-half. Both sides were composed going forward until they got within 30 yards of goal at which point they started thrashing like a particularly angry 19th-century headmaster. And that's why it's 0-0.
46 min: We're off again, but you'd guessed that. "I'm astonished, given his fluency in Dutch, that Steve McClaren – indulging in some punditry on Sky – calls the Bayern coach 'Van Garl' instead of 'Van Haal'," says Richard Watkins. "Is he now trying to put himself in the frame for a Premier League job by adopting a cod English accent?" Oddly he does now sound like he's doing a fake English accent. Like an Englishman doing an impression of a Dutchman doing an impression of an Englishman.
47 min: Robben delivers another great cross, straight on to Muller's head. Muller's header is so subtle it might not actually have taken place and it goes wide. He was four or five-yards out.
50 min: Ranocchia is very, very lucky to get away with a terrible pass straight to Gomez around 30-yards from goal. Gomez can't control it though, otherwise he would have been clean through. "At 45 mins you say 'Maicon then has a flash at goal himself'", says Robin Hazelhurst. "Is that, y'know, allowed? Has he been getting tips from [SNIP!] It would make an interesting You Are The Ref at some point."
53 min: Robben rattles the post. He's forced wider and wider by Chivu and by the time he gets the shot in, he's at a tight angle. He's still good enough to nearly open the scoring though.
55 min: I've enjoyed watching Bayern tonight – they're willing to bomb forward at any opportunity. They've been 3.43 times better than they were in the Champions League final, then again Inter have been around 3.43 times worse [sits back and waits for Inter to score].
58 min: Right. Inter nearly score. Eto'o forces Kraft into another good save and Cambiasso picks up the ball with the keeper still sprawled on the floor. He misses the target. Robben then shoots this far over. Fantastic stuff. Apart from the finishing.
60 min: "That linguistic chameleon McClaren also rapidly went native in Germany during his shortlived stint at Wolfsburg," says Francis Lee. "Just check his interviews if you don't believe me. Yes - they're in English." An Englishman doing an impression of a Dutchman doing an impression of an Englishman doing an impression of a German. Interesting.
62 min: We haven't had shot in 30 seconds. I'm getting impatient. "Inter can retain the Champions League," says Raul Parolari. "Anyone who stands up to Berlusconi like Leonardo did at Milan (to the point of being fired) is an interesting chap. If things don't work out, he could always go to England (and train Nick Clegg on a couple of things)." Leonardo the future of English democracy.
64 min: Schweinsteiger has a shot from distance. It skips up in front of Julio Cesar, who does well to handle it safely.
66 min: Gomez almost flicks the ball into the net. On one hand, he's been getting in good positions tonight. On the other hand, he's effed every single one of his chances up.
69 min: Bayern Munich continue to pour forward. With their red and white shirts and inability to finish, it's like watching this season's Sheffield United. Except they are keeping a clean sheet.
72 min: Stankovic thinks it's a good idea to Robben. It's not though, and Inter are lucky Muller wastes the resulting cross.
74 min: Ranocchia goes down in some distress. He's stretchered off and Kharja comes on in his place.
76 min: That break for Ranocchia's injury appears to have broken Bayern's rhythm and Inter are able to keep possession and slow the game down.
79 min: Yup, a few more injuries and Bayern's attacking bursts are petering out. It's almost like Inter are doing this deliberately.
81 min: Kharja squares the ball across goal but there's no Inter players there to slot the ball in and Kraft clears. 70th minute-era Bayern then return with a spot of cavaliering, if that's a word, which I suspect it's not. Which I know it's not.
84 min: Free-kick from Snijder, around 35-yards out and a little to the left of the goal. It's deflected and bounced on to the top of the net: a corner. Motta's header arrives with terrifying force but it's straight at Kraft who palms away.
87 min: Another free-kick for Inter. This time on the right-hand side of the area. Players jostle nervously in the box. Eto'o picks up the ball after it's headed clear and it's deflected just wide.
88 min: Eto'o's shot was going in if it hadn't been deflected.
89 min: Inter have been far more positive as the game ebbs away. Possibly because they realise they're the home team.
GOAL!!!!!!!!! (Inter 0-1 Bayern, Gomez 90)Cesar fumbles a shot and fumbles it at Gomez's feet to boot. He's been off-key all night but he doesn't miss this time (which would have been tough).
90 min +2: In Gomez's defence he has been excellent for the rest of the season. And his goal has won the first-leg too because that's full-time.
Postamble: Bayern thoroughly deserved their win. Both sides were willing to attack in the first half but it was Bayern who dominated for a 30 minute period in the second. It's always reassuring when the side that take the risks win. Inter have got a huge task in the second-leg if they're to hang on to their title.