Who knew that somewhere in the belly of the Emirates there was a high-tech suite in which a crack team with fancy touch screens and headsets analysed footage and stats for every single player in the world, 24 hours a day? All this time we were thinking there was one intern sat in a broom cupboard with a well-thumbed copy of the Yellow Pages, but no, says Arsène Wenger, Arsenal "are there to spend money." Money plus one pound, even. "People say: 'Buy players, buy players, buy players,' but who?" Wenger asked, licking the tip of his pencil and peering expectantly over his jotter pad. Good news, Arsenal fans! It says here that Gareth Barry is available. It's all going to be fine.

Today's back pages and centre spreads are spattered with Mourinho-lovin'. Not only did the returned Chelsea manager notch up an opening day win against Hull – swoon! – but he's still banging on about signing Wayne Rooney, legitimising yet more gum-flapping – our hero! Apparently there's another £28m bid coming in the next 48 hours, and if that fails the world will slowly stop turning and crumble in to space Mourinho will be back in January.

Willian will need to decide much sooner than that if he wants to join Liverpool, who thought they had this one in the bag, or Tottenham, who've come in with a late £27m bid and promised to do a really good song to the tune of The Smiths' William, It Was Really Nothing, even including that high ooh-ey bit. Spurs are also being linked with the latest 17-year-old attacking midfielder to be lumbered with the "new Modric" tag, Alen Halilovic, and this may or may not precipitate the sale of Gylfi Sigurdsson. The Fábio Coentrão rumours persist, too, but since that would necessitate mentioning Gareth Bale in an article that already contains Wayne Rooney, the Mill refuses to speculate. And the Mill is a strong-willed customer: if we're sick of talking about Bale and Rooney and Suárez, and of everyone else talking about Bale and Rooney and Suárez, we'll think nothing of taking a stand.

Oh.

Signs are that Newcastle United can persuade Lille to hand over the midfielder Florian Thauvin for £8m, while Stoke City are interested in the Rennes forward Mevlut Erding. In Marseille, meanwhile, an email has just appeared from West Bromwich Albion, subject: So, about Morgan Amalfitano

Norwich City are apparently in the bidding for Brescia's Andrea Caracciolo, and are also being linked with Johan Elmander. Bolton Wanderers want to sign Chris Baird from Fulham, who are unlikely to put up much of a fight. Neither are Leeds United, who could do with the money raised by selling Ross McCormack to Middlesbrough and seemingly aren't at all worried that his departure might cost them more in the long run. It's all going to be fine.