Bang! Blood dribbles down. We're on a submarine. Two sailors sit down and have a game of chess. Then the cups start wobbling and then a man who used to be in The Onedin Line comes in and goes: "Why are the cups wobbling? What's going on?" And then he peers down the periscope thing and looks through it and goes: "Oh my God. The submarine's being eaten by a giant tanker." And then we cut to Moscow. And there's a man there and he's Russian – he's got eyebrows, you know – and he's on the phone going: "What, a whole submarine? You're joking! I'm gonna have to tell some other Russians. See ya!" Right, and then, and then, it cuts to James – Roger Moore – and er, yes, he's with a lady. Yeah. Yeah. He's, he's necking with her. And he's being chased by these Russians in black jumpsuits with lemon piping. And, er, he's just skiing along like that, and they start shooting at him, and he goes: "Right! I've had enough of that! Just stop it!" And he turns round with his gun and then he does a backward somersault off this ramp, and he, he lands on his feet – I'm not sure why, but he's not showing off. And then, then he goes over a cliff and he's falling and you think, oh God, James Bond's going to die! He's going to die! But then at the last minute …

The Mill, as you may have guessed, can't wait to clock off and hotfoot it down to the local picture house for a big fat dose of Daniel Craig striding out of crystal blue water, pecs glistening under the beating sun. The Mill has already watched the 22 Bonds back-to-back in anticipation, sat on the couch with endless pizza boxes scattered across the room, pausing only for the occasional scratch or sprint to the toilet.

A Russian oligarch may have already conquered Europe last season, but the world is not enough (bows head) for a man who wants the Premier League title to return to west London. Chelsea will have to secure the title without Radamel Falcao, however, with the Blues willing to stump up only £40m for the Colombian striker. Falcao, who scored a hat-trick against Chelsea in the Super Cup at the start of the campaign, has a reported minimum fee release clause of £48m at Porto.

One player who will not be leaving Stamford Bridge, yet anyway, is Florent Malouda. The Frenchman had been linked with a move to Santos after being forced to train with the kids at Chelsea, but the Brazilian club's vice-president Odílio Rodrigues insisted there was no interest in the midfielder.

Rio Ferdinand could make a surprise return to one of his former clubs. Sam Allardyce has admitted he would love to bring the centre-half back to West Ham when his Manchester United contract expires next summer. "If it's the end of the season and he hasn't got a new contract, we would be interested," said Allardyce. "Of course, we have to sustain our Premier League status first."

United are facing a MASS EXODUS after mega-rich Russian club Anzhi Makhachkala targeted Wayne Rooney as an ideal partner for Samuel Eto'o. When their team director, the former Brazil left-back Roberto Carlos, was quizzed on a possible move for Rooney, he said: "Why not? He's one of the best players in the world and any team would be happy to have him in their squad. He's still a very young player.

"Of course I could not say when, and if, it will happen. It's not only Anzhi who can want to buy him. There are plenty of teams in Italy and Spain, all over the world, who are eager to have a player like Rooney. If the owner of Anzhi has a wish to buy somebody, he will go and do it. But we are trying to change the image of the club. It's not just about money."

In less sensational news, Cameron Jerome is set to join Blackburn Rovers from Stoke City on a three-month loan. The striker has been left on the periphery of the first-team at the Britannia Stadium and is in need of game-time.

Finally, Liverpool could step up their interest in Celtic's Gary Hooper, with Brendan Rodgers desperately seeking an addition to his forward line during the January window.

One camera, one hero; every pass, every run, everything Heskey does on the pitch, you'll see it first with the Heskey Cam, the dedicated broadcast providing a rare insight into what makes Heskey so good.