Rafael Benítez had better buy himself a new baseball cap sharpish. Forget Napoli, Rafa, because you're going to Stoke, who are eyeing up the Spaniard after parting company with Tony Pulis, everyone's favourite entertainer. Sure, Benítez has spent the past few months working with Eden Hazard and Juan Mata, but could he really turn down the chance to work with Ryan Shotton and Andy Wilkinson? If he does, though, the foolish man, Stoke will turn to Wigan's Roberto Martínez, who will hopefully spend his time trying to turn Robert Huth into a ball-playing centre-half, Glenn Whelan into a playmaker and Cameron Jerome into a False Nine. Although some might say Jerome has already mastered that art. Also on Stoke's radar are Gus Poyet and Mark Hughes.
One man who's definitely not off to the Britannia Stadium is José Mourinho, who's close to sealing his move to Chelsea. His arrival at Stamford Bridge could be bad news for David Luiz, with Mourinho not convinced that the Brazilian defender has fully outgrown his clown shoes. Barcelona and Real Madrid are waiting in the wings in case Mourinho decides to get rid. So it's not really bad news, just a minor inconvenience. Sideshow Dave can go for £25m and Mourinho is looking at Schalke's Kyriakos Papadopoulos as a replacement, which would really put Liverpool's nose out of joint and that's essentially Mourinho's reason for living.
Liverpool will replace Barcelona-bound Pepe Reina with Hannover's Ron-Robert Zieler, who could strike an alliance over double-barrelled first names with Jonjo Shelvey. Reina isn't the only player heading out of Anfield. Liverpool have agreed to sell Andy Carroll to West Ham for £15m and the move is now dependent on the striker, who's still angling for a romantic return to Newcastle. If he does choose West Ham, though, he could find himself partnered by Romelu Lukaku, who could arrive on loan from Chelsea to form a twin battering-ram strike-force with Carroll. It's set to be a busy summer for West Ham; they've completed the signing of Razvan Rat from Shakhtar Donetsk but still want Maynor Figueroa from Wigan.
Real Madrid are apparently ready to "blow Tottenham out of the water" to sign Gareth Bale. That's probably a bit excessive. Can't they just fax them an offer? Why do they have to act like pirates who have just been given a new cannon? Honestly, there's a right way to behave in the transfer market, and it does not involve blowing your rivals to smithereens.
Arsenal, still trying to get the hang of actually spending money on proper footballers, are baulking at Fiorentina's £30m demands for Stevan Jovetic and are looking to see if they can strike a deal for Real Madrid's Gonzalo Higuaín instead. Suddenly the Mill expects them to end up with neither player and that Arsène Wenger will be talking about the great quality possessed by Gervinho come September. They are after a new goalkeeper, though, with a move for QPR's Júlio César on the cards.
David Moyes wants to make Southampton's excellent left-back Luke Shaw his first signing at Manchester United, although he faces competition for the youngster from Chelsea, while Manchester City are closing in on Napoli's Edinson Cavani and Málaga's Isco. No word on whether they want Pulis to manage them though.