Always fearful of being accused of lazy journalism, the Mill thought it would do some research this morning and, as it was clicking its way through something called "Wikipedia", uncovered something quite sensational which has never previously been reported by the media. That's right, stand by for a MILL EXCLUSIVE!!! OK, here goes.

Sit down.

This is pretty big.

Mill Exclusive: in 2005, Harry Redknapp got Southampton relegated from the Premier League. Completely true. No messing and the fact that everyone has been so quiet about this for the past eight years suggests a conspiracy that goes right to the top. Heads will roll. Helping Redknapp relegate the Saints back then was Peter Crouch and for his next trick, Harry Houdini is thinking about bringing in his lovely assistant to make QPR disappear from the top flight. Redknapp, having scoured the globe for top talent to get QPR out of their hilarious predicament, is ready to make a move for the Stoke striker, having already signed him four times in his career. The Mill can't imagine what would make Crouch swap mid-table safety at Stoke for the lunacy at Loftus Road. Redknapp's also after Social Networking Disaster Peter Odemwingie, Porto typo Rolando, Toulouse's Etienne Capoue and Montpellier's Younès Belhanda.

Sunday: Tottenham's manager André Villas-Boas says he doesn't want to sign a striker this month. Tuesday: Tottenham are after the Sevilla striker Alvaro Negredo, theirs for £15m, and are also interested in Internacional's Leandro Damião and Celtic's Gary Hooper. Never believe a transfer story unless it has quotes, though. They're really important, according to journalism experts on Twitter.

It turns out the theory that Pep Guardiola joined Bayern Munich because they both share some kind of highbrow footballing philosophy is total pap. Apparently he's going to be given £240m – such an exact figure, almost enough to raise suspicions – this summer, prompting Roman Abramovich to wonder just where he went wrong in his pursuit of the former Chelsea manager. Oh well, he's got Rotatin' Rafa instead. Guardiola, it seems, is on one long mission to endlessly troll Chelsea. Having convinced them to hire The Interim seeing as they assumed he'd be on his way in the summer, now he wants to steal Atlético Madrid's Radamel Falcao from under their noses and plans to partner him with Luis Suárez, who refused to jump the shark on Sunday by tickling a ballboy to death at Oldham. Shame.

Mario Balotelli is going to Milan. Or Juventus. Or Zippo's Circus. Or maybe staying at Manchester City. Only two more days of this. Unless he stays put, in which case it's another six months of this. And then possibly another year of it. And then another two years of it. And then another three years of it. Four. Five. Six. Seven. Eight! Nine! Ten! Never let it be said that the Mill can't count or fill up its word count with mindless piffle and non-football related banter.

Sunderland are close to completing the £5.5m transfer of Danny Graham from Swansea, a move that will only become interesting if the striker, who supports Newcastle, does a Lee Clark. Fulham, who could sign Jamie Mackie from QPR for £3m, look set to pip Everton in the race for the Borussia Mönchengladbach striker Igor de Camargo. The Brazilian-born striker is a naturalised Belgian and these days you're no one on the hipster scene if you don't have a Belgian in your squad. Reading want the Sheffield United striker Nick Blackman, while Norwich want the MK Dons forward Dean Bowditch, who started his career at Ipswich. That's bound to end well. Just like this. Bye! The end!