Endlessly, compulsively romantic, Chelsea will this week compound their catastrophic bank balance by re-buying Systematic, Hydromatic, Ultramatic, Nemanja Matic from Benfica. After accepting £3m for him just three years ago, his return will cost in the region of £22m – but, luckily, they have a financial genius of an owner, skilled in the art of persuasion, likewise his underlings. As such, a fee of £18m will be cajoled from Wolfsburg for the quivering lump of flesh and nappy rash also known as Kevin De Bruyne, sold to them for just £7m just a year ago. And, most importantly, we now know the value of a few months humiliation by José Mourinho – expect him to be contacted by a plethora of kinky rich folk in the next few days.

Meanwhile, following a summer of unparalleled assertiveness in which he attempted to sign Cristiano Ronaldo, Gareth Bale and Cesc Fábregas, before ending up with Marouane Fellaini and Guillermo Varela, David Moyes has visited Turin. There, he informed Juventus that he'd be buying Paul Pogba and Arturo Vidal thanks very much, if it was all the same to them. It was not. Even the presence of Jimmy Lumsden failed to convince; neither is for sale, though agreement was reached for Vidal to string United along through the summer to the benefit of all parties. In the meantime, they will return to Everton to be upsold a lawnmower.

But, back in Manchester, Moyes's clearout gathers momentum. After busting the dam by finally forcing out Anderson in an epic and torturous procedure, he's now hoping to ease out Nani. The pair are something of an Old Trafford curiosity, being possessed of what might be identified as obvious talent – and as such, the appallingness of their attitude can, in its different guises, only be applauded. Juventus and Sporting Lisbon are the latest to show an interest in Luís Carlos Almeida da Complete Cunha, but Fulham are also keen.

And upon whom else might you want to rely in a relegation battle? Not Bryan Ruiz, that's for sure, who will be forcibly packing up his lank hair and heading to Eindhoven on loan. Talking of which, the luscious locks – and appetising cheeks – of Fábio da Silva may soon be leaving Manchester. Now, David Moyes is nothing if not subtle, but it has eventually been deduced that a preference for the slapstick hilarity of Alexander Büttner does not a future suggest. Ole Gunnar Solskjaer is interested in bringing him to Cardiff.

Elsewhere, the lovable suits at Manchester City fancy making Xavi the "marquee signing" of their MLS "franchise", New York City. There are but two flaws in the ruse: no one has consulted the player, who is a player, not a circus tent. But the club remain bullish, in particular, Claudio Reyna, their "sporting director" – a position created, no doubt, to ensure the protection of Corinthian spirit and fair play. "We have to be very aggressive and active in an offensive mode with player recruitment and the player search," he said, unintelligible and telling at the same time. Then everyone cried.