Groucho Marx famously didn't want to belong to any club that would accept him as a member and, employing a sort of similar logic, Newcastle surely must be relieved that they are not going to get Loïc Rémy, on the grounds that they should not accept anyone who would rather belong to Queens Park Rangers. Alan Pardew should ask QPR to bid for all of his targets as a test of a potential signings' credentials, the Loftus Road club being the pea under a vast pile of Premier League mattresses.

On that basis, Newcastle may well be hoping that Harry Redknapp makes a move for the Ajax captain Siem de Jong, who, as the Daily Mail points out, "can also play as an old-fashioned No10", possibly by growing sideburns, rolling his socks down around his ankles and dispatching raking passes from one patch of mud to another while smoking three cigarettes.

Newcastle also want QPR to test St-Etienne's Gabon striker Pierre-Emerick Aubameyang, and would rather Redknapp stopped pestering Peter Odemwingie, as would West Brom unless QPR are actually going to make a decent offer.

Djibril Cissé is going dancing.

Tim Krul is going nowhere, hopes Pardew. But Milan have other plans and can think of 10 million ways to get Mike Ashley on board.

Arsène Wenger thinks he may just have found someone who can improve Arsenal's squad. It wasn't easy, but after a long and pain-staking exploration of the transfer market and consultation with his vast global network of uncommonly canny scouts, Wenger has unearthed a Senegal international named Mohamed Diamé. Arsenal could now make a multi-million pound bid for the player whom West Ham managed to pick up for free last summer from far-flung Wigan Athletic.

José Mourinho keeps himself entertained by continually fluttering his eyelids in the direction of England but Milan can think of 14 million ways to lure him back to their city instead. Meanwhile, the second-hottest managerial property on the European market, Pep Guardiola, has revealed that he has been spending his sabbatical in New York not simply refining his school uniform look, but also watching Downton Abbey on loop, which is why he has this antiquated view of England: "Latin people will support you when you are playing and when you lose, they kill you. In England, I'm always surprised people always support everything and that is nice. That's why I hope to have the challenge to train there." Steve Kean was not available for comment.

Tottenham "Spurs" Hotspur know they need another striker, that knowledge being pretty much all that Emmanuel Adebayor has given them this season. Palermo's Josip Ilicic is the man they've got their eye on.

Liverpool hope they can convince Victor Valdés to leave Barcelona.

Manchester United hope they will succeed because word is that Barcelona will seek to replace Valdés with David de Gea.

Fulham want rid of John Arne Riise and think they can replace him with Stephen Warnock, what with Aston Villa not having any requirement for experienced defenders at the moment. But Paul Lambert does want to sign Toulouse's Moussa Sissoko, who has Martin O'Neill in his other ear. Just imagine.

Fulham also want Jores Okore of Nordsjaelland. Chelsea are also interested, having been impressed by the 20-year-old's performances against them during their sorry defence of their Champions League crown.

Shakhtar Donetsk will sell Willian to anyone who stumps up £20m.

Chelsea and Tottenham are mulling that over.

Last and possibly least, Charlton want Bolton's Sunderland-slayer, Marvin Sordell.