The transfer window is currently six days old and so far it's been nothing short of an unmitigated, egregious waste of time. Nothing's happened. West Ham haven't signed a striker, or anyone actually, despite the Twitter promises of Jack Sullivan – the fact a 13-year-old seems to wield so much influence at the club might explain a few things, come to think of it.
Arsenal haven't signed a striker either, even though Nicklas Bendtner is injured. And Manchester United haven't even dispatched Lionel Hutz, attorney at law, to Spain in order to conduct the latest round of negotiations with Athletic Bilbao for Ander Herrera. They really should get Hutz on the case. Or maybe Saul Goodman. He'd get them Herrera.
But things could be about to hot up. They really could! For one, Arsène Wenger has hinted that Arsenal might be in the market for Bayern Munich's Mario Mandzukic, especially now that Theo Walcott is out injured for four weeks. Something about having that smug smirk surgically and forcibly removed from his face by a crack team of doctors. It's a really annoying smirk! That smirk's gotta go! It's really gotta go! However a move for Mandzukic, who will find his options limited now that Bayern have Robert Lewandowski signed, sealed and delivered, may have to wait for the summer.
Sam Allardyce, more suited to managing at Internazionale or Real Madrid apparently, has noticed that West Ham don't have any defenders, or strikers, or clue. Quite the oversight there, Sam, especially by the greatest manager of all time. Luckily Allardyce is about to remedy that; he's off begging to Manchester City to let him have Joleon Lescott, please let him have Joleon Lescott, he'll treat him really well and he'll play with him every day and oh please, please, please, please, he'll do anything, he'll even change his name to Arsène Benítez Allardyce, just let him have Lescott.
Not that Allardyce is desperate or anything. Oh, and he'd also like 1920s New York gangster John Guidetti too, though he's also wanted by Aston Villa, Stoke City and Sunderland.
Luis Suárez has a £70m release clause if Liverpool don't make the Champions League but we'll deal with that when the time comes. And let's face it, they are going to make the Champions League. That's a Guardian Rumour Mill cast-iron guarantee and it's worth absolutely zilch!
Wayne Rooney will also be worth absolutely zilch to Manchester United if he doesn't put pen to paper on that new contract absolutely sharpish, but he has no intention of putting pen to paper on that new contract absolutely sharpish, which is why Chelsea are hoving into view with a £30m bid and a smug look on their face. Wilfried Zaha is also on his way out of United, with Ole Gunnar Solskjaer hoping to bring the winger on loan to Cardiff City.
Newcastle and Stoke are having a look at the Borussia Mönchengladbach striker Luuk de Jong. Queens Park Rangers want Everton to give them Nikica Jelavic. Crystal Palace are after the Wolves keeper Wayne Hennessey. And Monaco are the surprise frontrunners to sign Blackpool's Tom Ince, whose contract is up at the end of the season. Yep, transfer window 2014 (part one) sure is getting sizzling hot!