Morning! Now that everyone doesn't like cricket any more, it's incumbent on the world of football to step up to the plate and cheer the country up on this miserable Friday.
Unfortunately, today's rumours are uniformly dreadful. Sorry! Can't whisk confections out of the ether for the likes of you just because Jonathan Trott keeps shuffling too far across his wicket. Manchester United have been linked with Benfica defender Ezequiel Garay and Valencia midfielder Éver Banega. A steady enough start, you'd have thought. But you'd have thought wrong.
Chelsea are interested in Mario Balotelli, but he's not bothered, so they'll have to make do with Radamel Falcao of Monaco. OK, still time to regroup, but this is the Rumour Mill equivalent of Ian Bell coming in to bat.
West Ham United are interested in buying Diego Forlán and Jermain Defoe. Ian Bell and Matt Prior, like we say.
Everton are in for Spartak Moscow winger Aiden McGeady again. Six wickets!
Internazionale and Napoli are interested in Southampton's Gastón Ramírez. In 25 balls!
Vancouver Whitecaps striker Kenny Miller is thinking about rejoining Rangers. For nine runs!
Luckily, that's stumps!