After a day of rumour, counter-rumour and double-bluffs, Wayne Rooney remains angry, confused and a Manchester United player. All that briefing and spinning and nose-tapping and nudge-nudge-wink-winking and for what?

Nothing, that's for what. Here we are, still speculating about when these bunch of clowns masquerading as our top football clubs are going to pull their collective finger out and actually do something worthwhile, rather than whispering in eager journalists' ears about all these bids they're definitely going to make, but only on a Tuesday and only between the hours of 11am and 12pm because that's when the fax machine works. Sometimes you wonder if they're really taking us seriously.

So Mr Angry & Confused is still under contract at United, then. But maybe not for long. Chelsea's head mischief-maker, José Mourinho, has confirmed that it is "Rooney or bust" for his side but it seems unlikely that Juan Mata or David Luiz will be heading north as part of the deal, contrary to earlier excitable club briefings. Having had a bid of £20m rejected, Chelsea will return with £30m but they might face competition from Arsenal, who could probably do with spending some of that lottery money that Ivan Gazidis won back in May, otherwise people might start talking. Arsène Wenger says Arsenal can pay Rooney's wages, no problem at all – heck, maybe they'll double them and then we'll look silly.

United, desperate to give off the impression that it's not all falling apart at the seams with Sir Alex Ferguson no longer around to hold everyone's hands, are already planning for a post-Wayne World. Their new CEO, Ed "Chopper" Woodward, has flown home from Sydney in order to conduct transfer business and he's been busy already. United are going to return to Barcelona with a bigger offer for Cesc Fábregas, they're going to chuck £60m at Tottenham to secure Gareth Bale and, while they're at it, they might as well jauntily stride over to Real Madrid and make off with Cristiano Ronaldo and Luka Modric. They're definitely not making it up as they go along, are they.

Arsenal are also sniffing around Fábregas, although it's unlikely he'll return to the Emirates with his tail firmly wedged between his legs, and they're still after that elusive new striker. Their hopes of signing Gonzalo Higuain or Luis Suárez are fading fast though. Madrid are thinking of using Higuain as bait to tempt Liverpool to give them Suárez, while Rafa Benítez's Napoli, flush with cash after selling Edinson Cavani, are weighing up a £37m bid for Higuain as well. Napoli also want Internacional's Leandro Damiao, though they'll soon come to realise that he doesn't exist but is merely a product of the Mill's vivid imagination.

Liverpool will get over losing Suárez by heading off to Paris-Saint Germain and Bayern Munich with a bag of loot. They plan to return with Kevin Gameiro and Xherdan Shaqiri. Then they'll sell Oussama Assaidi to Feyenoord. No, us neither.

Manchester City might be about to sign Alvaro Negredo and Stevan Jovetic, but they could be about to lose two strikers too. Madrid are planning a raid for Sergio Agüero, while Sunderland and Feyenoord both want John Guidetti. Sunderland are also after Fenerbahce's Raul Meireles, presumably to give Paolo Di Canio someone to compare tattoos with.

Swansea will swoop for Espanyol's winger Wakaso and Southampton fancy a bit of the Catania striker Gonzalo Bergessio. And Newcastle are going to sell Papiss Cissé because he doesn't want to wear a shirt with Wonga emblazoned on the front. Borussia Dortmund or Anzhi Makhachkala are possible destinations. That'll show him.