OH NO. You know, the Mill does some crazy things for you, dear reader. OHMYGOD. The Mill goes above and beyond. NONOJUSTLEAVEMEHERE. The Mill spent last night with some top-level football executives and high-flying agents. PLEASEMAKEITSTOP. These guys knew everything. They knew that Gareth Bale was going before Gareth Bale knew that Gareth Bale was going. They had the skinny on Mesut OOOOOOOOOOOOOzil months ago. These guys and gals were on the inside of every deal.
The Mill had it all. It would've been the Milll to end all Mills. Transfer titilation so hot it would've been illegal in 45 countries. And frowned upon in Switzerland. But ... then ... one thing led to another ... and the Mill ended up singing a karaoke Losing My OHHHHHH NOOOOOOReligion at 2am to a varied and bemused selection of tourists and barflys in a pub so dicey it had 21 dots on its walls. The whole evening might have been WERRR WERRRRR WERRRRR wasted. But the Mill remembers one thing. There were stunning revelations. There were tales that could bring down an empire. But the Mill stayed true to its ROOOO ROOOOOO ROOOOOOOO roots. All we wanted was the goss. And here it is. As far as we can remember it.
That Player Who You Really Rate? He's signing for That Club You Don't Think Are Quite Good Enough For Him. Yes, we were as shocked as you, especially as That Club You Don't Think Are Quite Good Enough For Him have That Player Who He Didn't Seem To Click With At That Previous Club He Was With in their ranks. There'll be fireworks, you ISTHEREANYIBUPROFEN? mark our words.
It was a wild night. The POOORGGHH PPOOOORRRRGGHHH PORRGH point is: the Mill knows stuff, yeah? We know people on the inside. We just need time to rediscover it in our brain. Because it's there. It's definitely there. There was definitely PLEASEPLEASESWITCHTHELIGHTOFFPLEASE something about That Winger Who Isn't As Good As Everybody Thinks He Is going to That Club Who Everybody Seems To Have A Soft Spot For. He's definitely signing. It's a done deal.
Sadly the details are lost in the haze, so we are left to rely on our old friends, the tabloids. In paper-based news, Manchester United are ready to spend £25m on Southampton defender Luke Shaw, Derby County want Aston Villa midfielder Marc Albrighton, and Manchester City will give Gil Vicente £5m for Cape Verde defender Pecks.
Now leave us alone until midday. At least.