Well where else to begin but with the news, brought to you expertly and exclusively by ITV that, sorry, we've got to go, Emmerdale's on. *The Mill, spotting a gap in the market, decides to fill the gap, swooping in to deliver the big news about the next destination of football's leading man, while also capturing the mood of the country*
José's coming home! José's coming home! José's coming home! José's coming home! José's coming home! José's coming home! José's coming home! José's coming home! José's coming home! José's coming home! José's coming home! José's coming home! José's coming home! José's coming home! José's coming home! José's coming home! José's coming home! José's coming home! José's coming home! José's come home! José's coming home! José's coming home! José's coming home! Daddy's come home! I mean José's coming home!
Yes, it would appear that José Mourinho is heading back to Chelsea following Real Madrid's defeat by Borussia Dortmund in their Champions League semi-final and everyone's very excited because he loves us and we love him apparently. The Mill gives it two weeks before he's wound everyone up with his antics; after all, his first port of call once he lands in London will be to purchase a tank, drive it up to the Emirates and hold his first press conference outside Arsenal's stadium. Obviously he'll still be in the tank. Then it's off to Anfield for a similar mission.
Luckily, though, he's going to get some toys from Roman Abramovich, who's planning to give Mourinho a £100m WARCHEST. With it, he will sign Everton's Marouane Fellaini, Porto's João Moutinho, Real Madrid's Angel di María, Bayer Leverkusen's André Schürrle, Atlético Madrid's Radamel Falcao and Partizan Belgrade's Lazar Markovic. Plus he might give Frank Lampard a new contract and let's not forget that tank. And the bazooka. And the nuclear missile.
You've got to make the most of a warchest. All of which means Manchester City are going to have to do some proper business this summer and finally give poor, put-upon Roberto Mancini some cash. About time, too. There's only so far diligent coaching and astute man-management can take you; sometimes you've just got to back your manager in the transfer market. City are closing in on Shakhtar Donetsk's Brazilian midfielder, Fernandinho, for £23m, are planning a £32m bid for Marco Reus after missing out on Mario Götze and will return with a bigger offer for Roma's Erik Lamela having seen their first one rebuffed.
Zinedine Zidane has headbutted Tottenham in the groin by telling them that Real won't be put off by Gareth Bale's £60m price tag. "Tottenham could command £40m, £50m, maybe even £60m for him," he said. "It is a lot of money – but there are maybe three or four teams in the world that can pay that sort of transfer fee – and it won't put them off. A player like Bale can be the difference between a big club winning the league or Champions League." Is he saying Tottenham aren't a big club? Why they oughta!
In other manager news, Málaga have held talks with Roberto Martínez, who could be tempted to leave Wigan if Manuel Pellegrini does one at the end of the season. All the Mill wants is for Martínez to take Shaun Maloney, Jean Beausejour, James McCarthy, Franco Di Santo and Arouna Koné with him.
Liverpool's big push for sixth place next season will be bolstered by the arrival of Reading's central defender, Alex Pearce, on a free transfer and Sporting Lisbon's Tiago Llori for £1.2m. They're also sniffing around Loïc Rémy, along with Arsenal and Tottenham, with the Queens Park Rangers exodus set to begin in earnest. Júlio César is off to Milan, it says here. Poor old Tony Icarus.