It turns out that Luis Suárez wasn't crying when he pulled his shirt over his head during that match against Crystal Palace, he was secretly communicating with Real Madrid. That blighter! After all that redemption. Liverpool fans won't be so fond of him now that he's off to sunny Spain for a cool £70m and they'll be even more worried if Luis Alberto and Iago Aspas are also allowed to leave Anfield. It's all falling apart! It's all starting to slip!

Madrid plan to fund a move for Suárez, who famously made everyone forget his previous bad behaviour by doing some goals, by selling Karim Benzema. Having worked out that Olivier Giroud, Yaya Sanogo and Nicklas Bendtner aren't quite the standard required at the highest level, Arsenal are interested and while they're at it in Spain, they'll also look to bring Real Sociedad's Carlos Vela back with them. However Napoli are rivalling them for the signing of Southampton's Morgan Schneiderlin, while Tottenham and Everton reckon they can beat Arsenal to Loic Remy.

Liverpool will console themselves over losing Suárez by signing Sevilla's Europa League-winning left-back Alberto Moreno, although they're starting to fret that Tottenham will pip them to Southampton's Adam Lallana, while Napoli and Manchester United are eyeing up Javier Mascherano.

Pep Guardiola wants to improve his defence by signing another defender who doesn't defend, so Bayern Munich will sign David Luiz for £25m. Having left West Ham after his contract ran out, Joe Cole could be off to America.

And Newcastle United have decided that they cannot be bothered any more after announcing that there's no point winning the cups. Too dangerous, people might start getting ideas, they might start getting giddy and expect even more success, and Big Mike Ashley can't be having that.