Right. Let's deal with the big one straightaway. Arsenal are about to nab Luis Suárez. We know this transfer is going to happen because bookies in Spain have received so much money from people betting on it that they are refusing to take any more and, as one analyst explained to the Daily Mirror this morning, that "would suggest they have heard something substantial".
By that logic, all those women burned by frothing mobs in the Middle Ages were actually witches and we should all head to Mumbai to take a swig of the filthy polluted water of Mahim Creek in order to benefit from its magical healing properties and, on our way back, stop off in whichever Irish village is hosting a moving statute today. Or we could venture that anyone who cites mass hysteria as evidence of something substantial is a dunce, a spoofer or both.
Yes, let's go with that. What's more, let's prove how easy it is to trigger mass hysteria: on the count of three, everyone tweet that Harry Redknapp has been appointed a judge on Britain's Got Talent. Go! (It seems so plausible, Redknapp running the eye over acts before declaring: "I think you're a top, top street dancer. I'd be mad not to want to pair you up with Gene Pitney but the chairman deals with all that sort of thing these days, I'm just the manager. A mark? Let's see now, I can't really read or count, you know, but what the hell, you were 'triffic so here, have D out of 10.)
Meanwhile, here's a stone cold fact: Chelsea like the look of Daniele De Rossi and Roma are prepared to sell him for the right price, which may or may not be around £10m. They're also still hot on Hulk.
Manchester City have got rid of Mario Balotelli and Carlos Tevez but are left with one big problem: a dearth of striker. They plan to resolve that by luring Alvaro Negredo from Sevilla. Or perhaps Oscar Cardozo from Benfica. Or Mario Gómez from Bayern Munich, even though he's in a state of advanced nattering with Fiorentina.
Galatasaray, Roma and Monaco are all willing to solve a problem for Manchester United – but to which of them will Nani go? And why exactly is Nani considered a problem? The Mill doesn't know.
Milan and Shinsuke Honda, up a tree.
Finally, now that Stoke City are about to get all Barcelona on us, they have no need for Peter Crouch or Wilson Palacios. Actually, they never had any need for Palacios, which is why signing him was so odd. So Hull City will take the Honduran and, naturally, Redknapp will bring Crouch to QPR.