Never let it be said that the Mill does not move with the times. It's not only GCHQ who set up fake internet cafes to gather information. The Mill has a couple of pretend swanky eateries with superfast broadband strategically placed around the land's training grounds in order to pick up odd nuggets of news from agents, of the football rather than secret variety, who happen to pop in for a macchiato and a muffin. Although, when we say "swanky eateries with superfast broadband" we of course mean "greasy spoons with an old Atari 800 in the corner". And when we say "macchiato and a muffin" we of course mean "tea with eight sugars and a dubious sausage".

And it's thanks to one of the many missives intercepted by our team of crack operatives that we can bring the news that Bayern Munich and Barcelona are set to slug it out for Arsenal's Laurent Koscielny. "Laurent is part of a shortlist of three or four players for both clubs," according to Koscielny's Mr 12.5%. "Yes, I'm as surprised as you are," he didn't add.

Arsenal, though, have grown weary of Newcastle's Francophile transformation into the old Arsenal and have decided to become the new Newcastle. But without Joe Kinnear. The Gunners are keen on lil' Lille winger Dimitri Payet and are ready to splash £8m on Guingamp midfielder Gilbert Imbula. Also hoping to swap Ligue 1 for N5 is Marseille's Andre Ayew, although the French side will have to persuade Arsène Wenger to part with Gervinho in exchange.

Manchester United and Chelsea exchanged a long email chain in an attempt to come up with a Rhyming With Sprinkle XI (kids today, huh?). Norwich's Ricky van Wolfswinkel, former Celtic man Andreas Hinkel, Simpson phone prank mainstay Ivana Tinkle, deceased Austrian chess grandmaster Adolf Zinkl, the WWF ring announcer Howard Finkel and 20-year-old Vitesse Arnhem midfielder Marco van Ginkel were all mentioned before they decided to give it up as a bad lot, although both clubs have decided to make £15m bids for Van Ginkel (and Chelsea are considering a move for Tinkle).

PSG are planning to offer £85m for Gareth Bzzzzzzz … PSG are to offer Andre Villaszzzzzzzz … PSG want to spend £25m on David Luizzzzzzz …

Hidden in a 34,000-word 67-page email from Brendan Rodgers to Real Madrid, which mostly consisted of management-speak and percentages plucked from nowhere but also featured, intriguingly, a chapter on 13th-century Nepalese pottery, was the suggestion that Luis Suàrez's move to the Bernabéu is dependent on Liverpool getting a little sweetener in return. A little sweetener by the name of Spain Under-21 international Alvaro Morata. The Reds are also edging closer to Sunderland goalkeeper Simon Mignolet, who they've poked on Facebook, while Pepe Reina has changed his status to "It's complicated".

Aston Villa's Paul Lambert keeps googling "bargain buys from Europe" and the latest name to pop up is Sevilla defender Antonio Luca.

Steve Bruce's regular visits to whotobuywhenyourebackinthepremierleague.co.uk have seen Hull put Villa's Darren Bent, Sunderland's Phil Bardsley and Besiktas's Allan McGregor in their sights. His trip to goodgoalieswhodontplaythatoften.net suggested a £5m move for Manchester City's Costel Pantilimon.

Joe Kinnear popped in for a cheese bap on Sunday and opened a file entitled: "MY TO DO LIST". Our ciphers discovered the top few entries to read: "1) Look up journalists to swear at. 2) Find World's Best Football Manager mug left in canteen four years ago. 3) Sign 17-year-old striker Olivier Kemen from Metz."

Roberto Martínez has started following Victor Moses on Twitter, Spurs have checked out the MySpace page of Botafogo defender Doria and Roma's Erik Lamela has been all over Zoopla ahead of a prospective move to north London.

And finally, from the tiny fake rusty burgervan in a lay-by that passes for the hangout for those in English football existing outside the Greatest League In The World, we've discovered, thanks to a series of carrier pigeons ensnared with fake bird seed and a wire tap on the string between two plastic cups, that Barnsley want to bring Dale Jennings back from Bayern Munich and that Middlesbrough and Birmingham City are keen on the Norway Under-21 central defender Thomas Rogne.